– I want my “goigel” removed. – First of all, we never…
– Marina, what does that mean? – …got to the things
that Andrew and I want removed. – Oh yeah, what do you
want to remove? – I want all my body hair gone.
All of it. – You don’t even have
a lot of body hair. – Eyebrows down, gone.
I wanna look like a dolphin, and I want my goigel removed,
this thing right here– – Oh, I have that.
– I want that gone– – Ahri, that is such
an easy fix. Andrew, what would you have?
– For Ahri? – No, what would get done?
– Fix me, everyone fix me. – I can fix you.
I have big nips… – Oh yeah? Your–
– I have thick hips. – Yeah, but you’re not–
you’re not insecure about your thick hips,
you show those off all the time. Your nips you are very inse–
– I don’t love my nips. – Yeah. You can get
new nips, dude. – I know, The Rock did.
– He got new nips? – The Rock–
– That’s what Andrew claims. – It’s a thing.
We Googled it, remember? – Oh yeah, yeah, he got the fat
taken out of his nips. – Yeah, because– yeah,
he worked out too hard or– – Yeah, you could just… $5,000 probably,
to get new nips? – Is it is just–
oh, that– it’s 5,000?
– He has puffy nipples. – I still have–
– (Marina) You really have– – Feel mine. Andrew, feel mine.
– You wanna see ’em? – Yeah!
– Yes, yes, we wanna see them. – They look great.
– They’re not bad. ♪♪ Great show for you today,
let’s just go around the horn
and introduce everyone. Andrew Collin’s here.
– Good morning out there, everybody, good mornin’.
– Good morning. Host of the “Puddles” podcast. The new “Puddles” podcast,
subscribe and rate on iTunes. The “Puddles” podcast by
Andrew “Puddle Boy” Collin. – Yes.
– Congrats, man. – Oh, it’s wet out there, folks. – It dropped yesterday,
people are loving it. – Yep.
– And my dad sings the theme song.
– He does. He did a great job.
– Very psyched about that. – It wasn’t an inside job,
he did the best out of four people that applied.
– It wasn’t nepotism? – It was a little bit.
– A– a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– I’m not gonna lie, there was three other ones
that were better. – Were there really?
– Out of the four. Yea– no, no.
He was the best. – That seemed sincere.
– He nailed it. – Ok– he really did,
it’s great. Are people loving it?
Is that– people are just stopping after they hear that?
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love the song,
they heard two minutes, they heard a lisp,
and then they’re like “You know what?
Let’s give it five stars ’cause we feel bad for him.”
– My dad gave it a listen and said he liked it a lot.
– Oh really? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He couldn’t last the whole time–
– Oh, that’s good. – Because he goes
“It’s 56 minutes, I mean–” And I go Dad, that’s what
podcasts are. And he was like
“It’s just a lot.” And I’m like but you listen
to “This American Life.” He goes “but those
have chapters! I mean, that’s different–”
– (laughter) – And he doesn’t know
with comedy podcasts. He doesn’t understand.
– No, I get it. – But he’s a fan. He was like
“It was really funny.” – That one minute.
– Um, who knows how l– he said “he jumped around”,
that’s not a good sign. – Someone told me
they loved it and they listened
to the first five minutes. And I was like–
“but I wasn’t into sports.” I was like, I brought up sports
for two seconds. – Oh God, yeah.
– Someone else said– – People always
have to say that. – The one stars.
Someone gave me a one star before the pod
even was released. – Yeah.
– Which I thought was personal. – It definitely was.
– Yeah. – I’m sorry about that,
I was just having a bad moment on the plane–
– I’m sure you slept. – I bought the WiFi
just so I could do that. 19 bucks, worth it.
– You know what? It shows you care.
– Let’s keep– thank you. I do, and– I really do and
I wanted to give it something. You know?
– (laughter) Anything helps.
– And a return to the show, Ahri Findling is here.
– How you doing? – Comedian Ahri Findling.
I’m great, how are you? Welcome back.
– I’m good. I’m very, very sweaty, so…
– Yeah, it’s a sweaty one out there, right?
– Yeah. – Yeah, I was drenched
in the subway. I just like,
looked like I was in a sauna. And then– do you know that
sweat doesn’t stink, it’s your body’s bacteria
eating the sweat that stinks? – Really?
– So if you have a sweaty shirt and you sweat, and you
take off the shirt quick and don’t let your body’s
bacteria get on it, it’s not gonna smell later. – Then I’m just shirtless
on the subway? – That’s it, that’s it.
– Okay, I’m in. – That’s a good look for you. And comedian, friend
Marina Franklin is here. – Hello.
– Welcome to the show, Marina. – Thank you for having me.
– Have you been on before? – I’ve never been here.
– Oh my gosh, that seems criminal to me. I’m so excited to have you here,
you’re one of my faves– – You’re one of my faves too. – Oh, w– look at us.
You have a new special out. – I do. “Single Black Female”,
July 23rd. – Tuesday, this coming Tuesday,
“Single Black Female”. You can find all the information
on where to find this, ’cause it’s going
to be everywhere, at MarinaFranklin.com. Um, is this your first hour–
big hour special? – You sound angry.
– I am. Why? Is this your first?
– (laughing) I love you. I love you, thank you.
You’re like… (angrily)
“Is this your first one?” – It doesn’t make sense.
I’m doing the math, and I’m like no–
– It is my first. – Okay, well,
it’s a long time coming. – I kn– we’ve talked
about it before. But– and you actually
were helpi– you were like “Marina, you gotta do it.
Just do it. They’ve set…” you know, it’s hard because you do these little sets,
you do 15-minute sets. And then when you get
to the hour and thinking about
doing the hour, it’s a difficult thing
to wanna launch out there and then present it. And hopefully they’ll say yes. – Oh, like when you’re
presenting it to be bought? – Yes.
– Ok– – Or when they’re
presenting it to be on. ‘Cause no one’s ever
offered me one. – Right.
– And– I did try. – So you just go “I’m gonna
shoot this thing myself and then take it out”?
– Well, in the beginning, I would shoot like,
a half hour. Or they would say, you know,
just tape like, 40 minutes and then submit to–
– Who’s they? – Comedy Central.
– Your people. – Thank you.
Um, or… whoever is–
yeah, it was– at that time it was
Comedy Central, and I did it. I did twice, I would
tape at the Comic Strip. I taped at the New York Comedy
Club, but I didn’t get it. – But then how did this one
come about then? – So this came about because
Comedy Dynamics approached me. – And they were like
“We’ll produce it, and then put it out”?
– Absolutely. – Thank God. Good.
– And I-I debated still, though. I still thought– I was like
do I want to do it this way, or do I wanna do it
all on my own? Put my own money in it,
do some creative stuff? – But they’re gonna
do all for you. – Yes.
– And you don’t wanna do all that, just do–
tell jokes. – That’s what someone told me.
– It’s just like if someone gives you
the opportunity, don’t act like– I think
we all get in our head like “I’m gonna make it my own,
I’m gonna do all these different things with it
if I do it myself.” We don’t do things ourselves.
– You just start the walk a little earlier at
the beginning of the– “I’m gonna walk down
two streets.” – Yeah.
– Like before the festival starts. It’s like nothing like,
is gonna be that different. – We– we just– it’s so hard
to do anything. I’ve only been able to
accomplish anything in my life outside of showing up
for a standup set at the Comedy Cellar,
or Gotham, or wherever– the onl– I just show up
at live sets. Anything beyond that,
it has taken other people to be like “Hey,
do you wanna do this?” Like, it’s really hard
to do something, spearhead something yourself.
– Yes, it is. – We’re just not
as capable as we think. – But then I watch people
like Judah Friedlander and he’s so good at it.
– Yes, there are some people that are naturally goo–
– I’m so jealous of him. – It’s exhausting.
– It’s so much work. – You put so much effort
and so many years into just trying to be funny
and then you’re like “Well, I also have
to know how to edit, and produce, and book,”
and it’s like– – You have to get a website.
– I don’t know what to do. – And I have to
have photoshoots, and I have to–
and pick an outfit, and pick a set,
and pick graphics for the thing. Like, it is so–
there’s like, seven emails that
went back and forth about an apostrophe. The design of an apostrophe
on my special. – Can I just say, I think
you picked the wrong one. – (laughter)
I feared that. – It’s too long.
It’s a long apostrophe, and it’s w– it’s a wei–
– Honestly, Ahri, that was the issue,
and I’m taking it personally. – Which one did you do?
– Don’t worry about it. – She did Helvet–
Helvetica. Obviously Helvetica.
– But that’s the thing is I was going back and forth
about this apostrophe. And there was another thing
I was going back and forth about about um… oh, like if I would
ever get ass injections. ‘Cause I’m like,
really thinking about it. ‘Cause like, why not?
I can just get an ass. – What do they inject it with? – Your own fat.
– More ass. – Sick.
– Ass. Ass. – Wait, ass injections…
– Ass-ass. – …before the special? – No, no, no, no.
Like, I just like– I-I’m thinking about it
in the coming… in my– coming years.
I’m like, oh, I could do that. I don’t have a problem wi–
– Has Keith made you feel like you need a bigger ass?
– No… – I feel like Keith Robinson
is responsible for this. – I-I just always…
– You look great. – Um, I know, but I just–
like– like anything. Like, if you wanna lose weight,
you do something about it. The only way for me
to gain an ass is to get injections,
and I want an ass. – I got a good doctor
if you need a guy. – Really?
– Yeah, great doctor. – Are you serious?
– I swear to God. – Okay. How do you know
an ass doctor? – He’s a Jew.
– First of all, I’m a Jew. We have connections in–
– He’d know an ENT. – We all know, we all know. – Uh, no, he’s like
a world-renowned, uh, plastic surgeon
in Nashville. He’s one of my wife’s
best friends. He’s got a– you can
check out his Instagram. – Great.
– He posts everything on there. – Yeah, I love those Instagrams.
– It does sound when someone says
“I wanna get ass injections”, and then a weird guy says
“I got a guy”. – (laughter) In Nashville?
– It sounds like it’s made up. Listen, he’s in Charleston–
– He’s outside Nashville. He’s outside Nashville.
– But he’s good. I’ll give him to you.
– Well, I keep strugglin– – You gotta bring your
own scalpel, actually. – Oh, he doesn’t take
insurance, but… – Yeah, he’s cool though. – Good ones never do.
– I just feel like… it’s just– like
I’ve said it about when I got my lips done,
I was like I’ve never had lips and I just wanted some lips,
and they went away. Ass would not go away
so I’d go very slow and build it up. Um, but– but why not? Like, I-I just–
but anyway, I’ve been thinking about it,
and then I’ve been thinking, is this– wh–
is that the thing that’s gonna get me
what I want in life? Is someone gonna be like
“Oh, she has “an extra six millimeters
on her backside. “Fina– we’re gonna
give her ‘The Tonight Show’. “And you know what?
I love you, Nikki “and I wanna marry you because
of that little bit of your ass that is now there.”
If someo– if someone were to now love me because
I have an ass, I don’t even wanna be
with that person. So what is–
what is it all for? – So wait, squats
never work for you? – They do a little bit, but
it’s not– it’s not what I want. I want like a fat ass.
– Like wh– who’s ass? – I’m like–
I’m so offended. Did you see my face?
I was like, “No, you don’t, Nikki.”
– It hurts to sit, Marina. I have a–
– Do you feel bones? – Yes, Marina.
It’s not gre– I mean, it’s fine.
– You put a pillow. – Whose ass do you want?
Like, a celeb– – Mine.
– Mine or Andrew’s? – Okay, you have an ass.
You ha– how does it feel? – Yeah, she does, in fact,
have an ass, Andrew. That’s an astute observation.
– You’re sitting next to someone with an ass–
– Well, mine is no– – I’m sitting next
to everyone who has an ass. I have no ass.
– I know, but so, as someone with an ass?
– With an ass. I thought you wanted a real
like, black woman’s ass. Which I don’t have.
– (Andrew) Okay. – I would love to have but–
– Oh, so you want a bigger ass? – I don’t need to know what
it’s like to have an ass, because I don’t–
I don’t even understand what that experience
would be like. What I do know, my only
experience I can have is that I don’t have an ass,
and I feel it. And I know that
I would feel se– when I have had an ass
or when I’m wearing something that makes it like,
look like I have one, I like, feel so much
more confident. Just like girls when
they get breast implants and they’re like
“It’s the best thing I ever did. I’ve always wanted boobs,
I had a flat chest.” And you don’t go
“Why would you do that?” We’ve kind of accepted
that that’s a way that girls can feel
better about themselves, that they don’t
a lot of times regret. So why can’t asses
be the same thing? I’ve had a flat ass
my whole life. Girls with flat chestses–
chests, they get to go and get breast implants
and no one goes “No, don’t do that
to your perfect chest!” – Except for the women
who have big breasts and have always wanted
to get rid of ’em. – But they don’t say that
to girls that are just going up to like–
I’m not– I don’t want a double G ass, I just want like,
a C-cup ass. Like, I just want
a very subtle, you wouldn’t
even be able to tell. – Do asses use the same scale
as breasts? It’s G and C and D…
– Maybe? – Goddamn.
– I want a ver– like, the ass I’m gonna have
is still gonna be no ass. – Are there any side effects
to growing the ass? – Yeah, too many dicks. – (laughter) – Just bombarded with dick.
– I like that answer. – Yeah, that’s the problem.
– I have to imagine it’s harder to shit
when you have a new ass. – It’s ten days of recovery.
– Ten days? – Nikki’s got
all of this ready. – You can’t sit on
your ass anyway, so you might as well–
– (Nikki) What do you mean? – ‘Cause it hurts already
with the bone, you might as we– – Yeah, I mean,
I sleep on my stomach, I never– I’ll be fine.
– But here’s the thing. Y– you never–
when you work out, you tend to run?
– Yeah. – You don’t do squats that much.
Have you ever li– – Andrew, I run on a 1– I run on the most incline on–
– That’s a good point. – I run on a 15 incline. The most the treadmill can go,
I run on that. – Yeah, that’s true.
That should build an ass. – I used to go to a trainer,
and I did squats all the time. – Nothing?
– My go– I went to this trainer and I go my goal is I’m going
to see you four times a week, I want an ass, and he was like
“We’ll get you one.” And I– it was a little bit,
but it was so much work. – Yeah, yeah.
– When I can really just go get some shots in my ass…
– Go get an ass. – …and lay on my stomach
for ten days, and boom. – I love it.
I think get an ass. Go get an ass.
– You could do the radio show on your stomach,
that would be fun. Just laying face dow–
– Just laying on a stretcher? – Ass up.
Would you do more pictures on Instagram
of your ass? Would you show off your ass?
– No, honestly, it would probably make me
be more insecure. – That’s what I’m saying.
– But eventually, it would all die down
and I’d embrace it and I’d be fine with it.
– I’ll be there for you. – Thank you, Marina. What do you feel
about all of this stuff? Like, is there any procedure
that you would have? If a plastic surgeon was like “We’ll give you anything
you want on the house, it’s gonna be done the best way,
and you won’t– no complications”,
what would you have done? Would you?
– Hmm. That’s a hard one–
I mean, usually– – I pose the same question
to you good sirs. – Oh, I got a list.
– (Marina) Usually it’s my breasts, it’s my–
I’ve always wanted a breast reduction, yeah.
– Okay. – But I know that
because I love to run, but running is harder when you
have big breasts, you know? I’ve seen the women
with bad sports bras, and it’s not pretty.
– Dude, running with huge tits is– that’s gotta be so… – Hot?
– Yeah, it’s really hot? Do you mean erotic?
Erotic, yeah. – Sure. It depends on which way
the breasts are going. – My wife has huge breasts, and she has to wear
two sports bras sometimes because there’s just–
she struggles to find a sports bra
that really keeps ’em tight. – Yeah, I-I even resent
when I see men running, and they’re just
like– they don’t have any fucking– any extra stuff
flopping around. – Yeah, so it’s fast.
That’s why, you know, the less you have on you–
like when I lose weight, I run faster, it feels
better when you run. I love running.
It’s bad on your knees when you got all that weight.
– Yeah. – And I know women–
I’ve always been curious why women want big boobs. I’m like do you know
what you’re gonna go through? This is– like, I used
to run in high school, and the whole football team
would be laughing at me– – Aww.
– Oh man. – ‘Cause that was before
good bras came out. – Oh, babe.
– So and– no one told me. And I’d just– they’d be
swinging and stuff. My boyfriend was like, upset
’cause they were making fu– so they made my boyfriend
and the head like, football guy fight over…
– (Andrew) What? – Over your swinging tits?
– …my swinging tits. – It’s cool though, you could
do two events at once. You can do like,
the hundred-meter dash and the discus thing,
that could be fun. – So wait, who won the fight?
– My boyfriend, yeah. – Really? He beat up
the football guy? – But it was the most
embarrassing thing to find– I had to find out.
– It made you a little, uh, turned on? No?
To watch him fight– – No, I was just embarrassed. It was– I just didn’t und–
– That’s Andrew’s fantasy is fighting for
his girlfriend’s breasts. – Yeah.
– On the football field. In high school.
– You have no idea. – That is everything
you’ve ever wanted. – Yes, everything.
That’s my dream. – Andrew wants to go back
to high school so bad. – Ugh, he would kill
to go back. – Oh man, I would do great.
– I would love to see– if I had to pitch
a TV show for you– – Okay.
– It would be you going back to high school where
you look the way that you do, but you think you’re
a high school kid. – Oh, okay. I-I think
that’s my real life anyway. – Yeah, I mean, you dress
a little bit like you’re sti– – So like “Billy Madison”.
– Yes, yes, that would be good. – Yeah, but really well-written. – Can we talk about that
face-aging app? – Sure.
– Gosh. – I’m furious about it.
– It’s ins– – I’m furious.
– Did I see yours? Do you do it?
– No. And guess what,
you won’t see it. And if anyone does it,
you will be blocked and I will never, ever
let you back in. – Oh boy.
– It’s such an ageist thing– – It is such an agei–
all the guys are doing it ’cause guess what,
every guy is allowed to fucking age in this world. Women– the brave women who are doing that app
to their face, I wanna give a salute to you
because you are better than me. And I will not e–
I don’t ever wanna see that. I’m scared I’ll see it
and I’ll go well, I guess
I have to kill myself because I’m not gonna r–
I don’t wanna reach that age. Because as a woman,
seeing yourself old is seeing yourself–
what society tells you irrelevant, not important, no one wants to hear
what you have to say unless you’re Diane Keaton. – (laughter)
– And like, there’s few examples of women that are that old
that people are like “Oh, we still like her, phew!” So I don’t mean to say
that I don’t respect women who are that old,
because I do, but women are not– every guy
that does this face app looks like Harrison Ford,
or looks distinguished, looks like the Most Interesting
Man in the World. Every woman that does it…
(stammering) it looks sad, and there’s
a sadness to it of like “I’m still gonna be okay,
right, guys?” That’s what–
that’s what the gist is. I hate it. If you do it to
my face– that’s why I didn’t– I had so many tweets drafted
yesterday, funny shit. I was sayin’ funny–
I had so many tweets to talk about this face app
’cause I have a lot of opinions about it…
– (Andrew) But you th– – …but I was scared that
someone would do it to my face. So I stayed silent all day.
I was– I was so mad yesterday. I was like this is a sexist app,
it’s so funny for the guys, it’s mean for the girls,
and I don’t like it. And I don’t wanna see it,
and I hate that technology, and I resent that I’m alive
to see this technology in force. I don’t like it. Marina, did you
do it to yourself? – I-I couldn’t.
‘Cause I was angry like you. I saw a lot of it
this morning. I mean, I di–
I’m not always on Instagram, but I saw it this morning.
I saw all the comics making fun of it,
which made it good. Like, I saw some people
do the age app and they hadn’t changed at all.
– Or it’s like a gravestone. – Yeah.
– Amy did like, a seal. That was really funny.
– Yes, that was funny. – Yes, those are–
– Beth Stelling had her body, her regular, perfect body,
I thought, it was really nice. – Yeah, she looked amazing. Beth Stelling,
go check out that one. – Actually, that annoyed me
a little bit too ’cause she looked really good.
– She looked great. And then her face was old.
– Then her face was old. – And then she was talking
about dating younger guys. Which I was like…
– (both) Get it, get it, get it. – So there are some good things.
– You like– but I just– we’re gonna get
to younger guys in a second too. – (laughter)
– In closing on the face thing, I hate it.
I hate it so much. I, um… I just don’t know
what else to say about it. Don’t do it to my face.
I really do– oh God, someone said some
really hurtful thing yesterday about me on someone else’s
old face app. Like, they– it made me
cry on a plane. I hate it, I think
it’s trolling people, and I think it’s–
it’s just– it just proved to me that women
aren’t allowed to age. If you see the people
posting that, 90% are men posting–
doing that to their face. Because it’s okay
for men to do it. And 10% are women that are
brave enough to their own. – Different things happen
when women g– – And by “brave”,
I mean in their 20s. – And 5% “I did it
to my girlfriend.” – Yeah, that was so shitty.
How did she handle that? – Oh, she hated it,
but she loved it too. – She’s in her 20s,
it doesn’t matter. Girls in their 20s are like
“I’ll never get old. This is hilarious.”
– She didn’t like it. – When you’re 35,
you see– you see it, you just see your grandmother. You’re like well, I’m just
gonna be my grandmother. And I just can’t h–
I can’t have it. – Can’t you go in r–
can’t you do it where you look like, younger?
– Yeah, you can do a baby face. But I don’t want that either,
I don’t wanna be reminded of the past, Ahri.
– Mmm, you only want to live in the moment.
So just, you know, just take pictures of
yourself and look at that. – I-I hate it all. I really was angry yesterday,
and I felt silenced. I felt like I couldn’t even
say anything ’cause I thought oh, someone– as soon as
I weigh in on this and say I don’t like it,
someone’s gonna do it to me and then I’m gonna
have to see it. – So they can do it to you?
– Yes, this is wh– – That’s what
I didn’t understand. – Yeah, people can just
take your picture and plug it in the app.
– Oh, see, that’s not cool at all.
– And if you do it, I swear to you
you will be blocked. You will be blocked
and you will ne– you will never be let i–
I will find a way that you can’t even listen
to this goddamn show anymore. I will come to your house–
– Nikki has a vein popping through
her head right now. – I’m serious.
– You’re making everyone wanna do it right now.
– I know, but do– go see what it looks like,
but do not show it to me because here’s another thing. You remember Amanda Bynes,
uh, went kinda nuts? – Yes.
– Yeah. – And this relates to when
I played Kurt Cobain, as well. And that’s why I did not
wanna play Kurt Cobain ’cause I didn’t wanna
see myself as what I fear–
as like, as a man. I feel like me old is something I fear,
I don’t wanna see it. Me as a man,
it’s something I fear, I don’t wanna see it. Amanda Bynes claims that she went spiraling
after she played a man in the movie
“She’s the Man”. Once she saw herself
in the footage of it and she realized that she–
she had a loss of identity, she didn’t know who she was,
and that made her go cuckoo. And I’m not kidding you,
this face app, if you do it to my face, you will do something
to me psychologically that I do not appreciate. So I will sue you…
– (laughter) – …for psychological damage if you do the face app
to my face and you tweet it at me. And I might just like,
quit Twitter. I don’t wanna see it.
That’s how vehemently I believe that I think that
this app is sexist and makes women feel sad. I’m fragile. – (laughter) I di–
– Lynn, did you do it to your face? No?
– I haven’t seen a passionate speech
like this– – Your friends
did it to you? – Nikki’s– Nikki’s gonna
– (Noa) I have been up since 2:30 in the morning
with anxiety because my friends did it to me.
– Thank you! Thank you! – It’s the meanest tha–
I’ll cry right now. – It’s m– okay, you really
were affected by it? – Because I looked
just like my mother– – Exactly, it’s–
– And I’ve been looking at plastic surgery.
– Exactly, it’s too true. – I got a guy
in Nashville if you… – (laughter) – It’s outside Nashville.
– I look like my mother too. – Yeah? You look like
your mother? – Yeah.
– I mean, I don’t wanna see the man app,
I don’t wanna see any of that. I hate that stuff.
The technology is too dead-on, that is what everyone’s
gonna look like when they get older.
– Yeah, it’s too good. – Not me.
– Not me. – That’s the one thing
I will say, that’s the only thing
in life that I have is that I’ve aged well.
– Oh my God. You’ve aged so incredibly,
it’s insane. – Look, she’s angry!
– Your 63– – “It’s your first hour?!” – First hour at
63 years of age, yes. – I mean, Marina–
– And you look 50. – Like, it’s annoying,
it’s disarming, I bet you blow people’s minds…
– All the time, I usually– – Look, she needs
smaller breasts, okay, Nikki? – Well, I usually tell
cab drivers that I am– I tell them my age
just to see their reaction. And a lot of times
they’ll look through the rearview mirror first,
and then they’ll look back and they’ll go “No!”
– God, that’s so fun– – But one time
they didn’t do that. – (laughter)
– And that was sad. – It will stop.
– I was like aren’t you gonna look back?
– You gotta do the look-back! – He goes “No, that checks out.”
– (laughter) – And we had a really good
laugh about it. I mean, no, that’s why I l– I, uh, I like her so much.
– Ooh… – You thought I was
gonna go there. – Someone almost said it. – I mean, I might love her,
’cause I farted in front of her. ♪♪ – Yeah, that’s… I mean,
that’s a huge deal. – You wanna know what I did?
– Yeah. – So you know that game
where you spell a word? – Mm-hmm.
– So I spelled– I went like this. (giggling) And then… – Yeah. “Fart”. – And then I go okay…
(laughing) …and I just let it rip.
– So you had to fart and you spelled it out?
– Yeah, yeah. I knew I had to fart,
so I spelled it out and… and then I farted so loud,
and then I had like nine other farts,
’cause sex– you know how the vagina air
gets into your penis and goes to your stomach? – No. You had just had sex,
and this whole theory that you have that it pumps
air back into your penis… – Yeah.
– …and then through your body and it makes you have
to fart a lot. – Uh-huh.
– It’s just not true. – No one has disclaimed it yet. – No, I’m disclaiming it now.
There’s no way– – Wh– why do you think
I have to fart so bad then? – Because I think you’ve been
holding them in all day and you didn’t wanna fart
during sex, and so there’s a lot
of like, motion going on that maybe causes gasses. But there’s no way that air
is being pushed through your– – Uh-huh.
– Your urethra, into your stomach,
through your system, and going out your butt,
there’s just– it doesn’t work that way, Andrew.
– How about this? Next time I have sex,
I’ll wear a condom. So we test it.
– No, you’ll still claim that air gets through.
– Oh, that’s true. She could poke a hole in it.
– Yeah. – So then I did
that fart thing and then I wrote “again please.” – So she goes “again please”?
– And then I farted again. And she’s like– and then
I farted last night in front– like I think now
it’s like funny, and I don’t think
it’s funny for her. – H– has she farted
in front of you? – No.
– Have you even– heard even a little bit?
– Mm-mmm. – Not even in her sleep.
– No, and I try. – Wow, she’s a pro.
– I f– yeah. – God.
– When did you fart in front of the person
you loved? – I’ve never farted
intentionally in front of my– the person that I loved,
ever ever ever. No, that’s not the t–
he’s just not the type of person
that would enjoy that. And that’s fine with me.
– Did you fart on accident? – Hell yes.
Yeah, I mean like– (stammering) you obviously haven’t seen my Comedy Central special
“Perfect.” Or my Netflix special
where I talk about farting in both of those. Um, yeah, I say that
when we broke up, the door shut, and then
I farted for six years. – (laughter) – I r– I used to–
dude, I used to– – You would wait?
Like– I mean, that ha– that obviously
happened a lot in your rela– – Oh my God, when he lef–
yeah, when he would leave, it would just be like–
– So are women all over the country just–
like right when a date ends they’re just farting like,
the longest fart ever? – Yea, so many farts, yep.
– You think it’s from the dick wind? You think it’s from air
from his dick? – No. No, dude,
it’s just from like being a woman and not being able
to fart freely as men can. – So the door closes.
Do you do a countdown for how far away he is?
– Well, I would make sure that there wasn’t– I would
have to hear his engine start because I wouldn’t– I would
have to hear him pull away because I don’t want him
to forget something and then come back in.
– And then smell it? – Yeah.
– (laughter) – Dude, listen to this.
– The best would be his engine starts and then
he comes in and he’s like, “Oh yeah, I just wanted
to run it for a little–” – He would never
call it out though. That’s the thing,
he would never be someone to be like “Ugh!”
– Yeah. – There were definite times where I got just like,
a little too brave and I would, um–
you know, in bed, I would like find a way
to make it like, a silent one. And then like, I would try
to keep the covers very tight because we had
our own comforters. We each had our own comfort–
which I recommend couples do, because they’re always
fighting over things. Get your own comforter,
you have a lot of room. But I would just like move,
and it would like, spill out. And then I would hear him
like cough, you know? – Yeah.
– So he definitely knew. He– he knows I’m a farter,
for sure. And I feel like
my next relationship I will… – Right away?
– …want to be able to fart freely, but I–
that’s not something that is like required for me
in a relationship, and I also do think
there should be good boundaries with it,
and that it should be saved for really good times.
– Mm-hmm. – A really good joke fart.
Or, um, you know, I don’t w– – Did it turn you off
if he farts a lot? Would it make you not
wanna fuck him? – Yeah, yeah. And i– it would
make him not wanna fuck me, I would assume, it’s just–
it’s like a gross thing. – But in a way,
though, there is– it’s intimate to show
someone your like, complete vulnerability
like that. Because farting
in front of a guy is probably the scariest thing
you could do in front of him. – Yeah, it is.
– And if he’s okay with that– – When guys have farted
in front of me early on when we’re just like
hanging out because they’re just used to it
and they’re casual about it, it’s a turn-off for me. I’m just like, not yet.
I– once I love you, I’ll let you do anything. But I’m still
getting to know you and just– I don’t wanna hear
your– your asshole go (squeaks) Like, I don’t wanna–
– Mine doesn’t, though. ‘Cause it’s so wide.
– (groans) I just don’t wanna hear it, it’s gross.
– The, uh– – But one time…
– Yeah? – So do you know that the– the app on your phone,
like, Find My Friends, where you can track
your friends… – Oh yeah.
– …if they accept? You have to like,
send them an acceptance thing. This was years ago when
it first like came out. And I was at dinner with
my ex-boyfriend and a bunch of people. Um, and he was seated
at the other end of the table. And my friend told me about
this Find Your Friends thing. And she was like
“Yeah, you can follow anyone, they just have to accept it.” So I sent a request to him
just to be like “let’s try it”. And I go Chris– I go just
accept whatever I just sent you. And he’s like– he was like,
in the middle of a conversation. – Yeah, y– yeah.
– He was like “okay”. And he just like,
accepted it. So then I was tra–
he had no idea, but I was tracking him.
– Oh my God. – Anywhere he went,
I could see on the phone. And truly, I never–
– How much did you check it? Did it become addictive?
– Only– no. I only checked it ’cause
everyone was like “Are you gonna catch him
cheating on you?” And I’m like no,
this guy isn’t– that’s not my concern. I would literally,
’cause we worked togeth– – You put a chip in him. – Yeah, I could
track him anywhere. But he accepted it
but didn’t know. I only used it–
the only time I used it was when I was home
and he was still at work– – Oh, so you would fart or shit.
– And I would wanna know when– when I could stop– when I would have
to stop farting. – Or when you could
take a shit. – When he was like
seven minutes away, I would have to turn on the fan
and like, stop farting. And I could see–
I could track him home, and that was– that was
the best thing about that app.