Artificial Insemination Stand Up Comedy


Alright, how about this rubber faced icon. Yes, alright. Alright everyone,
enjoy Brian Regan. Yeah, thank you, thank you guys. Yeah! Muchos gracias. Yes, so happy to be here. Denver, Monday night, you guys are
out making it happening, right? You guys were laughing at some no dad
jokes earlier so let’s go with that. Anyone here a result of artificial insemination? Anyone ever met anyone that is a result of artificial insemination? Yes. Yeah, a couple. Right, you stage walker, what’s your name? Aaron. Aaron, I am Pat, nice to meet you. What’s your name? Lindsay. Yeah, Lindsay, next
time someone asks you if you met someone who is a result of artificial
insemination you can say yes. You are welcome. That’s true; I am
a result of artificial insemination. Now, for those… yeah, really my mom should
be the one that gets the applause. I want to clear up a few misconceptions about my conception, based on numerous conversations;
these aren’t even jokes, okay. Number one, a turkey baster
is not a medical instrument. Number two, the term sperm donor is the
most prevalent term in the business, it is incorrect, my biological father
was paid for what he did, okay. My dad was a professional
masturbator, alright. number three, I am 36 years old, I tell people,
yeah, I am a result of artificial insemination, they say, wow Pat, we didn’t know
that technology existed that long ago. I was like, my DNA was taken from a dinosaur bone. It is incorrect, the technology has been around
for thousands of years, people just don’t know it because the first artificial insemination
wasn’t called artificial insemination, it was called the Immaculate Conception. There is not official documentation
as to what actually happened. But the term immaculate, a little generous, right. The definition of immaculate is free from
spot or stain or any imperfection. Alright, a one bedroom apartment, Nazareth
2000 years ago, free from spot or stain. You are right God, you are right. A few of you aren’t laughing,
okay, don’t worry, I am not comparing myself to the second
coming of Jesus Christ, alright I am a 36 year old dude with no job, a YouTube
channel; I look like Will Ferrell, right. Yeah! If anything I am the 10,000th
coming of my father. Let’s call him Bill everybody. Also Father’s Day is not such a bad day for me,
it is actually my favorite day to masturbate because I feel a lot closer to my dad. It is funny because it is true. So, yeah, I am Pat, I am born and
raised here in Colorado and I love it here and I actually am an idiot
and I moved to Chicago 2 years go. Alright, you guys from Chicago? Yeah. Are you from the city or are
you from one of the suburbs like 200 miles away but
you still say Chicago? Southside. Oh, ooh, I am going to save another joke for later. Southside, so you guys don’t know
like you meet people here and they will say, yeah, I am from
Chicago; you go, oh, that’s cool. I always thought people that lived in the city, no, it’d be like someone saying I am from
Denver but really they live in Parker. It is not that funny. So, the big city ate me up, I quit
my job in corporate America to pursue this dream of comedy. And there is a few differences between
corporate life and the life of a comic. Like for example in corporate life you
have to be censored about what you say, right, you can go into the office,
they say, hey, how was your weekend? Oh, you know, went out on a date on Saturday, relaxed on Sunday, not bad.
Acceptable answer. If I get up on stage and I say, yeah, I
went out on a date on Saturday and then I had like a relaxing Sunday, you are
like this guy sucks, like this guy is terrible. Like really like you want to hear like, oh,
I went on a Bumble date on Saturday night, we got so wasted
we forgot to dinner, we went back to her place, we had unprotected
sex, she is not on the pill, honestly Sunday was a nightmare of
a wreck for me and anxiety. She asked me if I was clean, I said yes. Right now I can’t think of
anything else right now, there is so much anxiety,
this is honestly killing me. I want to have kids someday but not today. That’s the one difference. Another difference I got
the light here so guys you know what, guys, Colorado
is the best, isn’t it? Huh? So lucky, like definitely I am coming back here after Chicago because Chicago honestly sucks, except for you, Southside. And anyways, I am just going to… I want to
leave one joke for you, it is a terrible one. Thanksgiving was not too long ago, Bill Cosby’s favorite holiday because he likes stuffing lifeless birds. That’s an international…

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