Back in Black – Osama bin Laden’s Last Wishes: The Daily Show


When a new story falls
through the cracks, Lewis Black hatches it in a
segment we call “Back in Black.” (applause and cheering) Osama bin Laden! We all know
he was the scum of the earth and deserves to rot in hell. But did you also know how much
he loved the written word? The CIA releases new documentsuncovered in the raid
on Osama bin Laden.
A second release
now to the public… WOMAN:…providing
some interesting insights
into the terrorist’s mind.MAN:
And they shed new light
on what he was thinking,
reading
and writing in his final days.That’s right. Bin Laden was reading
and thinking. While we were spending all
that money trying to find him, he was trying to find himself. (laughter) When SEAL Team Six kicked in
the door, he was nestlednext to the fire
with a glass of wine
and a copy ofEat, Pray, Love.(laughter) Yes, it turns out the guy
trying to blow up the world had his own concerns about what
would happen once he was gone. You see an Osama bin Laden
who was obsessed, you might say,
with his own death. He had a last will
and testament in there. That’s right. Bin Laden had
a last will and testament. The first line read,
“Stop sharing!” (laughter) And to my loved ones,
I leave you this. He says he has $29 million stashed in the African country
of Sudan.Let me quote from this:Sorry, bin Laden, you may have been
a feared terrorist, but no grandkid spends
their inheritance money how you want them to. They’ll just buy one
of those flammable hoverboards -and a bunch of bitcoin.
-(laughter) Although I do respect a man
who asks his grandkids (chuckles):
to kill themselves, I don’t know
you could do that in a will. I need to call my lawyer. Listen, schmuck,
have the following people kill themselves,
starting with you! (laughter) But don’t be surprised that
Osama was tough on his family. Last year we found out how
he treated potential employees. NEWSWOMAN:One of the more
stunning documents–
a job application for those
seeking to join al-Qaeda,
asking about hobbies,
special skills,
and instructions
to write legibly,
-(laughter)
-You’re telling me you get a guy who’s willing
to blow himself up but you’re gonna turn him down because you can’t read
his handwriting?! That’s like
turning an organ donor down because he chews
with his mouth open. NEWSWOMAN:
And then this…
-(laughter)
-Emergency martyr contact?! That’s the stupidest (bleep)
thing I’ve ever heard of! BLACK:Does every job involve
bureaucratic nonsense?
The one perk of being
a suicide bomber should be no paperwork! You just say, “Yes, I’m all in!” (laughter) But there’s a lot
about bin Laden in these new documents
that you wouldn’t expect. Osama bin Laden was
an environmentalist. In letters discovered
in his compound in Pakistan, bin Laden worried
about the dangers of “catastrophic climate change.” President Obama
had an unlikely allyin the fight to slow climate
change– Osama bin Laden.
Who knew that President Obama
had such a infamous ally? NEWSMAN: He jumped
on that bandwagon, didn’t he? -(laughs): Yes, he did.
-So to speak. Oh, of course. Obama and bin Laden
were friends. That’s why Obama
hunted him down, shot him in the face, then
threw his corpse into the ocean. You know– friend stuff. (laughter, applause, whooping) Listen… listen, you numbnuts, just because Obama and bin Laden both wanted
to stop climate change, that doesn’t make them buddies. Guess what.
I’m a (bleep) painter. But that doesn’t make me friends
with Hitler. (laughter) You know,
this whole climate change issue makes one thing very clear– bin Laden wasn’t just
any old douche bag terrorist. He was a douche bag
terrorist mastermind. He knew if he stood up
for fixing climate change, then Americans would be
anti-climate change, and then climate change
would destroy America. It’s his final plot against us! Nice try, bin Laden. You think we’re that stupid? So listen to me,
climate change deniers, either get on board
with fixing this,

100 Replies to “Back in Black – Osama bin Laden’s Last Wishes: The Daily Show”

  1. Aren't THE ONLY PEOPLE in the USA, who still reject the claim of Global Warming and want to ratify the INTERNATIONAL TREATY to curb pollution, FROM THE REPUBLICAN SECT?

  2. Osama's concerns about climate change were kind of pointless seeing how all the war and destruction he's caused has released greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere, poisoned the environment and has created a massive hurdle for 100% green energy in the area.

  3. Damn, Lewis. You've fucking age, man. You always sounded like a crazy old man, now you sound like a crazy old man on his last breath!

    So… can you and Stephen call up the rest of the gang and revive Harvey Birdman? Though many animated adult-aimed shows are shit these days, Harvey Birdman was, too but it was good shit, na mean?

  4. Inconvenient truth all Republican Senators are global warming deniers. Koch brothers will cut them of the cash spigot if they try to even ask normal questions from Scientists.

  5. Ben Laden Died in a Dubai, US ,Hospital in 2001,From Kidney failure?His CIA code name was Ken Osmond.Still love you Louis,Just Step up your education on the 911 bs!Ty73s

  6. Personally I don't find flag offencive or really think it stands for pro-slavery it's the mentality of the people who do display it that offends me

  7. Dear Lewis of 2016, you asked americans if we were stupid, well Trump is president now, so yes, we were that stupid, are you surprised?

  8. It's scary to think that Osama bin Laden was far more well-read and better informed than the current President of the United States.

  9. We should confirm with Seal Team 6 that they realy got Bin Laden.
    Wait, they all mysterious died in a suspicious helicopter crash? Damn.
    Oh well, at least we have photos of his body as proof. No photos? Damn.
    No worries. People apparently will believe whatever their government tells them, so no proof is required. Phew.

  10. Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler both believed in wearing clothes. Wearing clothes must be evil! Nudity from now on!
    Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler both believed in gravity. Belief in gravity must be evil! Gravity denial from now on!
    Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler both walked on two legs. Walking on two legs must be evil! Everybody crawl from now on!
    Osama Bin Laden and Adolf Hitler both believed that printed words could contain meaning. Omigosh! Reading and writing must be evil! oimsdfposdftpohi

  11. America create ISIS and OSAMA but Osama started to help Palestine and Lebanon then America says he is America enerme and I don't believe America killed Osama because if they did it they who show his body but they didn't that why they never show his body I believe Osama died him self because he was suffer from kidney sickness and America hear that Osama died so they report that they kill him and throw his body to the sea even a baby cannot believe that

  12. Barack Obama and seal team six spirited the body of Osama bin Laden out of the compound and allegedly disposed of it in the ocean. I actually think Osama bin Laden was given a new identity and is living next door to Elvis Pressley, Amelia Erhardt, and Pres. John F. Kennedy because we all know that Barack Obama was secretly a supporter of Osama bin Laden just as Donald Trump is in the pocket of Russian Pres. Putin. One of these claims is true. And that would be the last one about Donald Trump all the rest are lies.

  13. Random fun fact: John "Legend" once dated his niece, Wafah Dufour (born in Los Angeles, California as Wafah bin Laden)

  14. When Bin Laden believes in Climate Change and Republicans are in denial….That worries me. Because that means Bin Laden is smarter than half of Republican Senators.

  15. As for the commercial to sign a petition to impeach President Trump,
    you spineless liberal traitors to America can take your petition and shove it up your spineless traitoring ass.
    He's the best President we've had in my 60-year lifetime.
    I was proud to vote for him in the last election and I'll be even prouder to vote for him again in the next election.

  16. I just realized I don't have an emergency martyr contact. Fuck me: I don't know what that shit is. Better go call up Captain BinBin (too soon?) and see if he can get me a couple tickets to the cloud show. I don't wanna die without all the right forms. Gorsh. I don't want the goddamn forms. DIANE. You wanna explain this shit to somebody. You know, before I have a heartattack cockintheback running me off a cliff before I find out grind out my emergency martyr contact, forgetting how human anatomy works and blasting the cleanest (cleanest) ass bomb from me rectum and going to heaven for a crispy afternoon.

    ______ <—-This is just an empty line.

  17. Every one, listen up, relax! You no longer have to worry about climate change. Why? Because it's too late, the damage has been done. Even if we stopped all pollution today, what's in the air now will continue to have an effect for decades to come. So stop agonizing over it, there's nothing you can do… now.

  18. Geez this is starting to sound like Satire and will surely confuse the masses. I know that is the point but it's not funny when it's about a serious point.

  19. Oh boy! Something else for Republicans to blame Obama for…. Caring for the environment makes him a terrorist!

  20. Wait let's see If Osama Bin Laden likes the ecology then if you like it you're a dirty killing scum bag. I get . Wow a twofor. We can demonize the people we're been bombing and stealing from for a hundred years and spit on environmental concern that interferes with business at the same time. Brilliant! Corney ,but brilliant.

  21. the quran & supporting texts = the bible & supporting texts = THE CREATORS, the torah – talmud & supporting texts, seem equally unappealing to #civilized. riddled, #SEE the UNADORNED by GOLD & $10k SUITS OF PARASITE CAMOUFLAGE of LUSTFUL. CAN YOU?

  22. So bin laden was nore educated than trump?!?!?!?
    For gods sake what are americans doing to our world ?😢

  23. With CIA anything is possible. I believe all this is Bs and he was a puppet getting instructions from Washington.

  24. Who else thinks Osama’s reverse psychology is working since Trump is in office? I mean, he is literally the worst thing to happen to the environment in America at least since the BP spill

  25. the document with arabic handwriting… is not written in an Arabian Gulf Style of writing. This is fake. moreover bin laden died in 1990. We really need to wake up … And climate change is real.

  26. So the FBI's most wanted was a bureaucrat. Huh. What a shock.

    Also, leaving politics aside, while it is true that America has supported dictators and despots for their own gain, even if 9/11 had been nothing more than Hideo Kojima's draft for MGS 2 (google it, true story. It was changed after the tragedy); even in that case the US STILL WOULD NEVER SUPPORT Bin Laden. Not because they disagree with him morally, but because they would never accept anyone concerned with climate change!

    What do you think? Too dark…? 😉

  27. Osama bin laden wasn’t the problem because in order to have a problem something has to be wrong or go wrong………which is America and Americans who steal land and get mad when “their” land is bombed or approached by different people and/or countries dumbass

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