Can You Handle Hannibal Buress’s Food Jokes?


I do shows at colleges sometimes,
and when I do a college show, I do an interview
with the school paper, and the result could be
a horrible article. And so I wanted to share
with y’all this article from a gig I did
at Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois. This is a real, and in print,
a human being wrote this, and then they sent it
to a higher ranker human being, an editor, and that person said,
“Yeah, let’s go with that.” Hannibal Buress:
“Quick witted Buress set for laughs. Comedian helps
bring diversity to campus.” Wait, wait, wait. I’m responsible for bringing
diversity to your campus, because you realize
the type of diversity I bring is very temporary. Because I’m leaving as soon as
I get my check, this town sucks. Actually pay me before the show.
It was a phone interview, and sometimes
when I do phone interviews, and the journalist is boring, I just start saying crazy stuff
to make it fun for me, and make the most
out of my time. And she said, “What do you
talk about in your comedy?” I said, “I talk
about the streets.” And she put that in the paper,
for real? Here’s it. “His performances include
comedic jokes where they…” Wait, wait, wait.
Comedic jokes? As opposed to all
the other types of jokes that are out there. Am I missing out
on a genre of jokes? I’d hate for that to be the
reason I don’t make it big. Yeah, Hannibal Buress
could have been huge, but he focused all his energy
on comedic jokes, when there was so many
other types of jokes out there. He really pigeonholed himself. And I’m some bitter old man comedian,
“Yeah, these young comedians, they focus on all types
of jokes, esoteric jokes, and jokes about hash. We the purists,
we only did comedic jokes. These young dudes, man.” “His performances
include comedic jokes related to personal stories,
current events, the streets.” You know what?
I take the blame for that, I said that on the record.
I take the blame. “His performances
include comedic jokes related to personal stories,
current events, the streets, and even food, he said.”
What? Even food! Who else is talking about food
in the comedy game right now? Nobody just Hannibal Buress,
that’s all. He has cornered
that subject matter. He is the Lenny Bruce
of grocery store humor. He is so edgy,
you should have saw when he was in Dallas, Texas.
Half the crowd walked out when he did his new bit
about lettuce, it was crazy. He was too edgy
for that town. “[Matt Caponera], of the University
Comedy Forwarder said, ‘Buress was picked because he stood out more
than other choices. He stands out like
an exclamation point,’ Caponera said.” I don’t know if that’s weird
or borderline racist. Let’s go with weird. It’s easy to go,
let’s go with weird. Because I think it’s weird to
compare people to punctuation. Nah, I think he’s more like
a semicolon comedian, very semicolon like in delivery,
and how he paces. I don’t even know how to use
a semicolon to this day. I use a comma every time.
And you know what? If I email somebody
and they get upset about me using a comma
instead of a semicolon, that’s not a person
I want to work with anyway. And that’s how you weed people
out of your life. “Buress was the most popular comedian in Caponera’s
price range of $2000.” It was a couple years ago.
Two things about that. One, you God damn right I was.
Hell yeah. I was ruling that price range
in the Midwest, two years ago. Two, how tacky is that,
did she go to her editor, “Hey I want to make this article
more tacky, you have any ideas?” “Well maybe you could mention
the amount of money he’s making from the show. That adds nothing
to the article at all. Plus we get the added bonus of
putting his business out there, and making it harder for him to charge more than that
in the future. So I think if we’re going for
word count, that’s your move.” “Caponera said he also picked Buress
because he is African-American, which added more diversity to the comedic lineup
this semester. ‘He’s a black comedian, so it
makes our crowd more diverse, and everyone gets
what they want,’ Caponera said.”
Everyone gets what they want? That’s a weird,
proud thing to say. And even people
that didn’t attend the show, “Hey did you book
Hannibal Buress?” “Yeah, we booked.
Why you coming to the show?” “Nah, I’m not coming
to the show. But I got what I wanted.” Because everybody gets what
they want when I come to town. Town morale peeks at an all time
high, everybody’s happy. They go to the local grocery
store, just juggling items, no intention on buying them,
just in the aisles yelling, “Even four, he’s coming
to town y’all. Hell yeah.” “You think he’s going
to do the lettuce bit?” “I don’t know.
I’m not even going to the show. I’m just happy he’s here.”

20 Replies to “Can You Handle Hannibal Buress’s Food Jokes?”

  1. I can handle these jokes while keeping my poopy hole shut when reactive diarrhea hits me during my 45 minutes long commute to work…

  2. Title should change to 'evil landlord trys to be funny but has a hard to understand annoying nasally voice that makes people laugh, for which he pretends his jokes are funny', but it would be too long of a title and would only fit 'evil landlord trys to be funny'.

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