Comedians That MADE SIMON COWELL LAUGH! | Top Talent


My name is Alex Hooper from Los Angeles, California and Tell me why events to show this year. I just want to inspire the world through happiness positivity and comedy Hi Alex, we’ll look you’ve got about two minutes. So good luck. Thank you Before I begin I’d like to acknowledge your host Tyra Banks Tyro I truly admire your courage It must be so difficult to host a show like this and still find a way to make it about you Somebody get his ass. Oh That was just an appetizer Howie Mandel yeah a Canadian Judging America’s Got Talent. What happened? Did they already find all three talented Canadians? I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve always wanted to know what a big toe would look like if it were a person With Bobby’s world let’s move on to spice world be Scary spice. Hey, the only thing scary about you is your solo career Heidi klum, you are Magical for children and your body looks as though you haven’t paid attention to any of them Hi dear, you are a natural beauty. Why does it look like your face went through a Sephora? Sample sale? Oh my god Getting to him I’m confused didn’t we form this country to get away from Brits like you? Peasants But Simon from all of us thank you for fixing your British teeth those things are so straight and white They were just awkward positions and Trump’s cabinet Good evening. Good evening. What’s your name? I’m Mickey Mickey. Yeah, where you from darling? I’m from the beautiful city of Leeds How old do you Mickey I’m 36, do you have a day job or is this your full-time job? I am a part-time primary school teacher Enjoying your food Yeah, you got away, you know The stage is yours Mickey go for it. Thank you very much Cheers This is called the absolutely amazing song. Yes about travelling around Europe Oh… that rhymes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Like I’m off to Paris in a Yaris this next song I know this is supposed to be a comedy routine, but I’ve suffered loss recently So I just want to get this off my chest I am Joel I’ll play the song so that I’ve got a bit emotional talking about it dude. I Can’t believe I’ve lost you Can’t believe you’ve gone I Need you to know that You did nothing wrong First time I saw you Just hanging there the checkout lady said you want to buy one of these And I said All right, don’t You were my bags Carry bags And Apprise You cost almost 10 cents and I only used you twice The other bags I use compared to you were slack Always feel that the handle strap is gonna Happen to you a lot as well Thank you very much Well done Vicki Simon, what did you make that out? It was silly but it was fun. I like the first song in particular Oh, thanks. I’m a quick one, but very very very funny very observational and I was particularly choked up but the beggar Phalanx man, yeah, I know. It’s off my controller What was really funny was seeing him and having to explain to Simon? What a bad life 1981 I got it in the end Hi Becky, hello Simon, we really really enjoyed your first audition of all the comedians We had you were the one I remembered now. I know you nervous what’s going through your head? Well, you know, just hope the jokes turn out good. The audience likes it There’s four dollars in it for every one of you who laughs You Viki I always ask this question million dollars, what would you do with the money? I’d buy a trailer in Malibu so I could be closer to you That’s a good answer. Okay. Well can’t wait to see what’s gonna happen next. Good luck. Thank you so much Thank you so much I got a new outfit do you like it? Thank you feel like it. Thank you Thank you. I shop local I did I found this at the hospice thrift store of Beverly Hills My daughter she’s like mom, that’d sound grounds Hospice. Yeah, what if somebody died in it? At least she died sexy I mean, I’m kind of clueless, you know, but it seems to me kids today are a little bit entitled. Am I right, right? Okay So my daughter turns 16 and she says mom, I want to go to Coachella and I want you to get me a hotel room Listen to yourself a hotel room. I mean if you can’t find a guy who can afford a van by now I grew up my mom and her friends. They partied 24/7, you know, they always always brought flasks on field trips Okay, right. So I go on my daughter’s first field trip. I take my flask, right? I’m not gonna get on a bus full of first grader sober not not on ever. Okay. I Take on my flask, you know, I’m a little sip And all the other field trip moms. They just go ballistic. They’re like, she’s got a flat. She’s got a flat You know like I’m some kind of terrorist, right? when we calm down the odds I’m not driving this bus But I feel bad few young moms, I wouldn’t want to be a young mom today not for anything The pressure is unbelievable, right? You got to teach your baby to read My baby Vincent Aniston today what your stupid little baby read My baby to read I don’t want my baby crawling around going what’s past do Shut up baby shut your little baby face Thank you guys for dollars What’s your name? My name is Samuel Jake AMRO. I’m a stand-up comedian. Oh wow How long? I’ve been doing comedy for 10 years. Now. Do you do it full-time? Yeah do it full-time Okay Are you nervous? No, I I have Tourette syndrome. So I switch the lab I’m blink real fast my head flops around if you see that it’s kind of cute Thank you What does this mean to you coming to AGT now this means everything I’ve worked my entire life for a moment like this They don’t come very often. I’m really grateful. It. Just had a baby girl, and this is a beautiful opportunity Wow and your family is all supportive of this career, yes, since I started they’ve been 100% behind me so very thankful Well, you know what? It’s scary enough doing whatever you do to hit that X and I just want the best for you I really do. Thanks so much. Go ahead I WANT TO EAT YOY ALIVE LOL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY It’s like I said, I have Tourette syndrome, it’s why my hair flops around I blink real fast, it’s weird It always looks like I’m trying to tell you a secret This switch gets me in trouble. My roommate came home from work I was like, doh our neighbor died He said did you kill him Yo, this is a true story when I was 10 years old my parents sent me to tourettes camp Yeah, that’s where the joke should end It’s a real place and I didn’t realize it till this moment But I found out that when other people twitch it makes me twitch more So on the first day they put us in a circle with a hundred kids The kid next to me did a shoulder roll and my Tourette’s saw that and took that as a challenge And I threw him a head flop The girl next to him did a full body twitch and everybody saw that in all hell broke loose Kids were rolling on the ground. I was in the corner like why they send us here our Parents were on top of the hill like all their breakdancing I’m saying LJ camera. Thank you Hello, my name is Robert III I just turned 30 11 years ago, so If it’s your job would you have a normal job I teach tiny little primary school channel to music as well So I do that which isn’t this Okay best of luck All right so um wait Basically, I’ve written a song specifically for for you which makes me nervous and also I’m slightly nervous because got something called. Dyslexia Which is which was very good for music because when I was young I taught myself the piano Although it’s not so good as I’m older. I recently tried to book tickets for Rihanna my book tickets for Ryanair Thank you, I’ve got something called Asperger syndrome, which means I’m a genius No, it’s nice to be here I’ve had a bit of a rough week I’ve actually moved into a flat with was my boyfriend yes boyfriend gay And and autistic two ways. I can’t think straight and When I do I swear a lot so I’ve got to be PC I’ve done a song which is literally be see because it’s about computers and I have done it three times and each time people have laughed. So if you don’t you’re wrong Thank you George for me working in a computer shop I Work in the computer shop maker Kabuto bright and clean So much crumbs and vomit and don’t ask what’s on the screen. I do half the work judge Double the time you would want a job like mine. If you would find the things I find I’m cleaning of Microsoft Windows David Walliams wanted to update his content reminder. He brought me a massive ring binder, but when I looked all the contacts were from Grindr Was another case she said the picture of his Office was to lovely Amanda Holden was the only one who’s in scrum was on the mark. She said her outfits have so much spark I said I’m just jealous. I’ll never dress like you because I don’t shop Simon Cowell’s Facebook was round the bend. He brought it to me to try to mend. It wasn’t broken. He’s just got no friends Cleaning Oh Hello, hey Doc, what’s your name, please? My name is Preeti Lawson. I love that and how old are you? I’m 25, I turn 26 in two hours Are you single married? I have a girlfriend you have a girlfriend she’s dope. Yeah And what do you do for a living? I’m a stand-up comedian, which means I’m unemployed and I do stand-up on the side All right best of luck All right, I Got a motorcycle I don’t like telling people I have a motorcycle cause every time I tell someone they always gotta tell me a story about how the friends crashed on a motorcycle You know, like why do people have to be so negative? I don’t go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left So annoying so annoying I walked at my apartment one time right? I walked in my apartment and my neighbor walked up to me She’s like, oh my god. You got a motorcycle. Are you Cyrus? Are you sorry you better be careful I got in a car wreck the other day. My car flipped eight times. I’m looking to be laughs Blitzie black by the way Around this is like, you know those that is crazy. This your car flip eight times you alive You are blessed, you know, and now I’m over here thinking who the heck counted right like Who’s that called when their cars flipping in it? My name is Bridget, thank you so much. I appreciate it. That’s that Preacher can I have just one more joke Aha All right. I don’t feel safe driving with my grandma because she’s rid of spiritual She loved the Lord to the poor, but she’s not afraid of dying. So I don’t like that. All right, I Don’t like beating Karla someone that’s not afraid of death Okay, like here she got that attitude like if I’m going to heaven so I don’t matter Like it does matter cuz I’m in the car, okay This our spiritual my crown is if I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times instead of calling the ambulance She would get on her knees praying like please Lord Jesus I get these demons. I sign my grandbaby’s chest We left our borders rise up and part ways from his chest black mode to do the Rammstein Justice Wayne Lil John 3:16 Hello, my name is Lee and for obvious reasons, I’m also known as the Lost Boys guy Okay, and how long have you lost your voice? I? Just knew you were going to ask something that I hadn’t thought about beforehand So, please excuse the awkward silence while I type out my answer I’ve been speechless for 37 years. Well, tell me why you decide to enter the show the ship I Think I entered Britain’s Got Talent for the same reason everyone does to meet Ant & Dec This is all going so well up until that point the stage League is yours Hello ladies and gentlemen as You may be able to tell I’m a struggling stand-up comedian who also struggles to stand up To be honest, I’m not sure how good I am I’ll leave that for you to decide but Just so you know, if you don’t laugh but the disabled guy you are going to help Well, I realized I’d never be able to talk again I was speechless I Have lived in Newcastle all my life Yes, but for some reason I still hadn’t picked up the accent. I Can see that some of you are trying to figure out where you know me from Maybe it would help if I started saying phrases such as the next train to arrive as background Where is the tone? Box And from my time at the post office, please go to cashier number day I Got the train here today, I Always like to sit in those seats for disabled people. I was about half way here when another disabled person got on and asked me to move I Didn’t realize I’d be playing disabled Top Trumps when I got on or I would have dress more special Needless to say I didn’t give up my seat Who cares if he was both blind and deaf I? Was there first? It was very awkward. He couldn’t see that I was still there and I couldn’t tell him I wasn’t moving because I can’t Before I leave you I have one more thing to say I Hate that we have so many politically correct words to describe disabled people now It’s all special needs special schools special olympics, I Don’t know. What is so special about me That is why it always alarms me when I hear about special forces going to war You’ve been a fantastic audience Goodbye Hi Hi, welcome to America’s Got Talent Thank you. How are you feeling today? I’m Okay Okay, what’s your name? Where you from? I’m Oliver graves, and I’m from Santa Rosa, California How old are you? I’m 32 and What are you gonna be doing for us? I am a stand-up comedian Is that what you do? Yeah Are you in a relationship or married? um No, I’m not I’m single. I think this guy’s perfect for you Why? I think we should just that Oliver do what he’s gonna do Okay, go for it They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day well not if you’re poisoned Then the antidote becomes the most important meal I’m trying to find the woman of my dreams, but it’s a struggle because I’m an insomniac I Tried online dating under be people that say must love dogs. I didn’t understand why Like I want to love a person But it all made sense once I looked at the faces of the people that were saying that Dating is really hard for me like compatibility wise like like I’m a Virgo so that means Yeah That means I’m only compatible with people that are really naive and believe in horoscopes. I Traded in my car to get my interest rates lowered it worked women are less interested in me. I Once had my identity stolen It’s okay they gave it right back Thank you You’re so different you’re humble and real and dark is everything that I absolutely love From the moment, you walked out your visual your your and your cadence and everything and you’re smart and you’re bright I think you didn’t get the reaction you expected. So you’re not used to this are you know, that is that what you’re crying. I Don’t get booked on a lot of shows You know enjoy your free time right now because you are gonna be a busy man

100 Replies to “Comedians That MADE SIMON COWELL LAUGH! | Top Talent”

  1. Robert White (41)- “Simon Cowells Facebook
    was around the bout he brought it to me to try to bend,
    it wasn’t broken, he just got no friends”

    …LOL

  2. Second dude was a douche. First guy killed it. This show is why America beat the fuck out of you and then saved your ass twice.

  3. Uh did anyone else have the captions on?

    "I WANT TO EAT YOY ALIVE LOL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY"

    just slightly terrifying

  4. Lord Farquad……Fiona I think you missed out he’s quite….interesting…… Just kidding the first guys hilarious…

  5. Maybe the first guy would have actually been funny of he actually told jokes, it must feel really horrible to be insulted in front of the whole of America and on worldwide TV

  6. Only People with really fragile ego can’t take being roasted. Roasting is such a funny and quick wit comedy. Those 3 judges and Tyra could have easily laughed them off coz honestly the jokes were not even THAT offensive. Seriously, I kinda lost respect for them for being such sore 🤡

  7. I don’t think people understand the first dudes comedy. Its offensive humor, its an actual thing and a lot of people enjoy it! Its actually funny and died watching him, he’s funny to me!

    calm dOwn pEasAnTs caLm dOwn
    😂😂

  8. Me: * See’s Simon eat the candy bar *

    Also me: *Bursts out into tears for no reason *

    Also the first guy when Simon starts laughing.. I’m not surprised that Simon takes jokes as sarcasm and roasts, because he does roast and maybe he can be sarcastic too, it’s so funny.

  9. The last guy, the one that looks like 'death warmed up', but was funny nonetheless, funnier still that his surname is Graves.

  10. It's funny that the judges laugh at the insults the retarded guy says but not the first guy. Sure he's special but hes just as human as the first guy.

  11. “I just want to inspire the world through happiness positivity and comedy”….
    “CALM DOWN PEASANTS CALM DOWN”

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