COMEDIC PERFORMANCE | Joanna Hausmann | 2018 OFF in NY

Hello. I am incredibly, incredibly excited to be here with you guys today. I’m also very honored honestly to share the stage with such extraordinary people. Unfortunately, for you guys I’m probably the least extraordinary person today, but I have a story I want to tell you guys. A real true story from my actual life. But before we get into my story I want to address perhaps some assumptions about me. This is me. Hello. I know what I look like. You know what I mean? I know I look like a Karen. Or I don’t know I feel like I look like someone that perhaps went to a B-level prep school or I played a fake sport like field hockey and wore fleece vests year round, you know. This could be me. This easily could be me. No doubt. I also know I look and sound
like someone who would like angrily ask to see your manager at a JC Penney. But all those assumptions are false because I am actually from Caracas, Venezuela. Thank you, oh my God. That is not usually the reaction I get. Usually the reaction I get is as if I was like David Blaine and I just pulled off the most insane magic trick. So kind of like this. I’m from Caracas, Venezuela. Oh my God, what? Replayed over and over again. The other type of reaction I get when I say I’m from Caracas is the like well meaning ignorant reaction. You know what I mean? It’s the ones that go kind of like “Oh my God, Venezuela. Like it must be so beautiful
down there and gorgeous.” Another type of those reactions are maybe like “Oh my God. I just went to Cancun last year. And I loved it, your culture is gorgeous.” Thank you, thank you Karen. I’m sure the culture at your Hard Rock Hotel and Casino was astounding. But I don’t have to tell you guys as a learned, this learned audience that Venezuela is currently in complete turmoil and that the country is basically taken hostage by its president. I look at the audience while I quote so that they understand I mean dictator. Nicolás Maduro. But, I don’t like to call him Nicolás Maduro, I like to call him the love child between Saddam Hussein and a Mr. Potato Head. It’s just, it’s truly astounding. It looks like it’s his parents. But much like many Venezuelans, I had to leave my country several years ago and as of four years ago
I became a US citizen. Thank you so much. I was very excited. I was very excited and actually I was so excited that people would ask me “Hey girl what’s the thing you’re most excited about about being an American?” Is it the liberty? Is it the freedom? Is it the swearing frozen yogurt is healthy? Is it the voting? And I always say you must be joking, Americans don’t really vote. Social commentary. But I was really really excited about was the passport itself. Now I’m not talking about the Visa. Like the Visas I wouldn’t need to go places or the excitement of pretending to be from Canada when I traveled abroad. It was the actual passport. Like the act of getting a passport. Because to get my US passport
it took me exactly 90 minutes. Nine zero, that’s it. To get my Venezuelan passport, however it took me nine months, three hackers a thousand dollars in bribes, suddenly smuggling myself into a government building smuggling myself out because
I was going to get in trouble texting with a former drug dealer who now started dealing passports because it was more lucrative and after all that all I got was an appointment. So for me bureaucracy was
always like a Liam Neeson movie. You know. But here in the States, bureaucracy is like a Katherine Heigl movie. I know it’s boring, I know. But the best thing about it is
that it’s over in 90 minutes. And sometimes when you come
from a country like Venezuela. You want your life to be as
boring as the romantic comedy you would only willingly
watch on an airplane. So after I went through the plot points of Taken One, Two, and Three I get my appointment
with a government agent. Okay, for my passport. Now let me paint the picture for you guys. The stakes are pretty freaking high, okay. Because if I don’t get this passport now I can’t go to college in the states, okay. So after a seven hour line I
finally sit in front of Victor the government agent
whatever that was basically in charge of my entire destiny and who was also wearing a shirt three sizes too small for his body. I’m sitting in front of him and I’m doing everything I can to just not piss him off, you know. He’s the final barrier for my freedom. So I’m like smiling like the Cheshire Cat and like trying not to breathe because maybe my breathing
will piss him off. And I see that he’s looking really confused as he’s looking at my documents. He’s looking perplexed. And I interject really quickly and I’m like “Victor, hey Victor hey. I see that you’re looking at my documents you’re looking at them over there. Yeah, I know I was born in Europe but I just want you to know I am Venezuelan, it’s the only passport I have. I just want to let you know. I know you’re confused but don’t be confused. Okay, anyway if you have any questions you let me know.” Okay, great then. I go back to my Cheshire Cat stance and his face of perplexion transforms into a face of anger. And suddenly he asks me. Which sort of translates to “Do you think I’m a fucking idiot?” And after a brief moment of me just staring at him he reiterates with “Do you seriously think I’m a fucking idiot?” Now in this moment I’m not really sure what to do so I just stare. And then he proceeds to point at some of the documents and say “Here it says you were born in England. Here it says you were born in Great Britain. Here is says you were born in the United Kingdom. So tell me something little girl, tell me something right now. How can one person be born in three different places?” So, I didn’t know what to do because maybe if I was in the States I would be like “I want to talk to your manager,” you know what I mean. But this is Venezuela, okay. I have less rights in any place in Venezuela than the jewelry section of a JC Penney. So I just take a deep breath and I do what I think any of
you would do in that situation and I look him straight in the face and I say “Victor, let me explain this to you. I have 20 dollars in my pocket. If I just slide this over to you can you please make this work?” And it worked! I got my passport. I got my passport, I got on a plane I arrived to Boston, Massachusetts where I wore fleece vests year round and played fake sports like field hockey. I even joined the campus Hillel so I was able to go on their annual trip to Rwanda which I was very very excited about. Now this is the part in the Taken movies where you think everything is fine like in the third act but the producers wanted to make a sequel so they made it a little bit more difficult for you. So I take several planes. Boston, DC; DC, Italy; Italy, Ethiopia; Ethiopia, Uganda; Uganda, Rwanda. So excited. I’m so excited to just spend the summer there. Passing by immigration all my American friends go phew phew right through immigration phew. I’m standing there with my Venezuelan passport, I’m so excited, I’m going to make it in there. Give my passport to the agent and he asks me, “Hey where’s your Visa?” Fun fact, I didn’t know I needed one. So I’m like, “You know, I didn’t think I need one. I had no idea.” He was like well we’re going to need you to get deported pretty much immediately. So they were setting up my flight to get back home. I was crying, I was freaking out. Three people, I guess his manager, the other manager came by and they were basically looking at my passport. And they’re looking at a particular part in my passport. A particular place on my passport. I want to take you guys back briefly to my meeting with Victor. Where I gave him the three options of where I was born. What do you think Victor chose? Let’s take a look at my passport. Please ignore the fact that I look like Lindsay Lohan circa 2011. Place of birth, let’s take a closer look. Royal Leamington Spa! What the fuck? That is the tiny, tiny town I was born in. It has like 5,000 people in it. No one knows what that is. Thankfully… because as the immigration agents in Rwanda were looking at my passport they kept on staring at this particular place. I see them whispering to each other and then one of them looks at me and he’s like “Royal Leamington Spa are you royal?” And I did what any of you would do in that very moment. And I looked at him right in the face and I took a deep breath and I said and I explained to him “Yes.” And I made it in. Thank you. You know, a lot of people ask me what made you become a comedian? Like why would you do that to yourself? And I always look back to these stories because in the moment they were the most traumatic and perhaps depressing moments of my life. But in hindsight they were the most fertile ground for comedy. Thank you guys so much.

100 Replies to “COMEDIC PERFORMANCE | Joanna Hausmann | 2018 OFF in NY”

  1. Esto es vergonzoso, triste, pero excesivamente gracioso! Una vez más hiciste que mis vecinos de oficina se preguntaran porque Nadia pega gritos. Jajajajajajajajaja asi suena mi risa excesiva con pipí incluido. Gracias una vez mal por darle explicación a momentos cotidianamente estresantes de los venezolanos

  2. ¡Buenísimo, Joanna!. Mi pasaporte se vence en 3 años y ya tengo pesadillas de que antes de renovarlo se me pierde o…se me acaban las páginas 😭

  3. People need to stop shitting on field hockey! It's not just a basic white people support. It was invented in Punjab, India. It has a long history of being a Punjabi sport. It was just appropriated by white people.

  4. It takes 90 minutes to fill out the form but 4-8 weeks for you to actual get it and if you pay extra it's 2-4 weeks. I don't know where you got your passport in 90 minutes but please let all of us know 😂

  5. Honestly I'm Portuguese from Portugal and I can say we understand Brazilian Portuguese….. And has nothing to do with ours, as long as we understand each other that's what matters….. Love you girl….. You're awesome

  6. Guys I swear to God I'm not Victor and I mean no harm to the passport of anyone but how come she was born in England and is considered to be Venezuelan can someone help me

  7. "Personalidades

    Leamington es la villa natal de:

    – Ernest Belfort Bax, escritor, periodista y pensador de la segunda mitad del s. XIX y principios del s. XX.

    – Aleister Crowley – ocultista y alquimista de finales del s. XIX y la primera mitad del s. XX.

    – Robert Simpson, músico y compositor del s. XX.

    – Joanna Hausmann, comediante, escritora y actriz venezolano-estadounidense"
    Representando chaaamaa, quesloquéee jajajajajaj

  8. I simply don't like her… I've watched several of her videos so far and didn't smile, even once. She's basically like: "look at me, I'm from Venezuela and I'm white and have blue eyes! If you don't laugh at my jokes, you're not intelligent enough!"

  9. I moved to Venezuela april 2009, my dad is venezuelan and worked there, still I only got my cedula(ID) januar 2011, 7 months before I moved to germany.
    Had to leave the contry every 3 months because I didnt get my visa let alone a citizenship.

  10. ans she says chilean people dont speak spanish…….fuck that she sopunds like she has an egg at her throat i cant understand shit

  11. So, do you really think the daughter of Harvard Economist Ricardo Hausmann had to bribe someone to leave Venezuela. I do not think that she has even lived there. Also, is this really considered funny?

  12. I don't think everybody will laugh and cry at the same time cause the stressful thing that is getting a passport. It took me 4 months to get my appoiment and 11 months to get the actual passport, and only that short amount of time cause I PAID, FUCKING GOV, AGHH. Anyway, I loved it, I laughed, keep going with the sands up Joa

  13. BEFORE CHAVEZ: Venezuela, the third-largest producer in the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries cartel, has been wracked by unrest. Critics accuse the government of not distributing oil riches to the public, citing corruption as a cause. You have to go back to Joanna's father Ricardo Hausmann's neo-liberal polcies which impoverished Venezuela for most Venezuelans…

  14. It's pretty much reminds me my story. Born in Ukraine, the country probably with the most corrupt bureaucracy in the Europe, after have been living for over 13 years in Italy, I finally got my European citizenship last yeat. It was like a breath of fresh air for me. I love equality my both countries but I rather prefer to deal with Italian system rather than Ukrainian. Especially in this particular period of time.

  15. Joann, looking and judging from you think is comedian stuff, I believe deep in my heart of hearts that you would do much better as a politician.
    Antonio, the 18 wheeler

  16. It's worth noting that Joanna Hausmann has, as they say, skin in the game. She's the daughter of one of the leaders of the U.S. backed coup in Venezuela, Ricardo Hausmann, a neoliberal economist. Her harangue posted here, described as a "comedy performance", consists of a denunciation of the current President of Venezuela, its government and policies. At no point does her presentation diverge from the official line adopted by Messrs Bolton, Pompeo, Trump and their allies in the Democratic Party and corporate media- or, for that matter, her Dad. But there's perhaps a more interesting element at work here. This article explores the right wing origins and current orientation of the Oslo Freedom Forum (OFF) which stages this annual event, and its parent organisation, the Human Rights Foundation.
    It provides much needed background to the misinformation and misdirection characterising Ms Hausmann's performance on behalf of the Venezuelan oligarchy and U.S. government.

  17. And here was I thinking the 1 to 3 months wait (with no bribe but a hefty fee included) in Brazil were too much of a headache…

  18. From Caracas? I don't think so. I read that she was born in the U.K. and raised there and in the U.S.A. Look it up, and listen to her perfect English without an accent. Also read about her neoliberal father Ricardo Hausmann who crashed Venezuela's economy and relegated millions to harsh poverty when the oligarchs were in control, and who is now their chief economist again.

  19. This woman is a fraud,she is the daughter of Ricardo Hausmann,a person that used to torture people in Venezuela before Chavez came in to power.
    She is a propagandist who tells lies to the world,she isn,t even Venezuelan she was born in the UK,lives in the US and she has Jewish blood,her father wants to take over Venezuela by replacing a democratic chosen president.
    The most important thing is that she isn,t funny but bloody serious about whats she is saying,she is a devil in sheepclothes.

  20. Yes …….you forgot to tell the audience that your father was the finance minister in Venezuela and responsible for the disastrous policies that led to a coup placing Chávez in government.

  21. Her father is associated with Guaido, which is why she pivots from comedy to attacking Maduro. She’s uses this to foster support for the regime change efforts. I don’t know if she is genuine about it or not but she uses the Venezuelan card for this purpose. She may be funny, but imposing democracy on Venezuela from abroad is not. Why did the coup fail? Think about it.

  22. She is so full of herself, what’s all the hype about her? Not funny, not original. I’m from Caracas Venezuela…….then she goes on and on about how she was kicked out. Give us a break………get lost.

  23. A sad propagandist by an elite white venezuelan oligarch. Yes, she is descended from Germans, and is part of the Venezuelan 1% although she was born in England. She will say NOTHING about the social thrashing imposed by a brutal economic siege intended to starve Venezuelans into submission. Joanna is lying about Venezuela. Her father is a conservative economist who implemented neo liberal policy. It failed and brought ruin to Venezuela. She is a propaganda mouthpiece for the racist Venezuelan elites.

  24. Her father is the top Venezuelan Jewish professor at Harvard who engineered the regime change infiltration of Juan Guaido in his native Venezuela. You bet he can be found at executive meetings of NED (National Endowment of Democracy)

  25. Holy shit I’m from near Leamington but seriously Joanna y tf of all places in the uk would a Venezuelan family want their child to be born in Leamington? 😂😂

  26. Hoy hice mi trámite para la ciudadanía italiana y estoy tan emocionada por el pasaporte igual que tú 😍😁 fui a hacerla con terribles nervios y esperando me rechazaran varias veces y que me faltaran papeles pero no… Fue una tontería que hice en 1 hora, más me tarde en el banco😅 ps: vivo en Argentina

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