I am a vegan. And I am so sorry. In my experience, the hardest part
about being vegan is all of the apologizing. People ask me
if I miss meat or dairy. I mean, I miss being liked. I don’t miss cheese, but I do miss
getting asked to do things. I miss my friends
and I miss my family. I went to the doctor
and the doctor told me that I was very underweight. And I was like, “Stop it. Shut up.
You’re underweight.” He wasn’t. He was just, like,
an average-sized doctor. But I figured
he was being so nice that I should just throw him
a little something. I’m sorry if I seem
a little bit… distracted. I just got
my lab results back, and just as every doctor
suspected, I’m simply too much.