Dan St. Germain – Bad Vibes – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

– He runs after me, grabs me,and he goes,
“What the fuck are you doing?” And I go, “Living, bro,”
and I punch him in the face and run away. Like, there’s happy drunk.
There’s sad drunk. I was run-away drunk. [police siren blaring
in the distance][dark electronic music][coughs]Ha! Yes!
[laughs] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [truck horn honks][cheers and applause]– Very, very funny man, he’s got his own podcast
called “My Dumb Friends.” Give it up for Dan St. Germain,
everybody.[cheers and applause]– Drugs and alcohol have
affected every area of my life. It’s affected my relationship
with women and my relationship with sex. Small aside– I spent $1,500 to have a escort come over
one night, and I couldn’t get it up, so I just spend all night
holding her hand… like it was the first date. I’m like, “Hey, if I pay extra, can we do that animal-cracker
scene from ‘Armageddon’?” It’s affected my relationship
with my family. Once I was naked in my parents’ living room
doing lines. Naked’s the official uniform
of cocaine, by the way. That’s like Superman’s cape. And they came home early, and the only thing
that I could think to say was, “Uh, uh, don’t come in.
I’m masturbating.” You know your life’s
in a sad place if masturbation’s
the safe option with your parents. And then when they turned
their back, I took the rest of the cocaine,
put it in a bag, and shoved it up my ass so I could do the cocaine
in the basement while they were asleep before they got up
for work at 6:00 a.m. I did coke
the same way Gollum eats. The biggest area
of my life it’s affected are my relationships
with my friends, my friendships. When I was 20 years old, I was actually a janitor
at a middle school, which at the time didn’t fit. Now… now it looks like it fits. Like, now… [laughter] Now I look like
the guy who’s like, “Hey, if you kids want
to miss dodgeball, I’ll tell you how I got
this hook,” you know? But… At the time, it didn’t fit.
I was very clean…face. And my friend called me up, and he said, “Hey, I got tickets
to the Gathering of the Vibes.” It’s this jam-band festival
in Upstate New York. Yeah, I had a really–
I went there in high school. I had a really fun time there
in high school. Did a lot of drugs.
I met a chick. It was fucking great, right? And I’m 20. At this point,
I’m getting way more– like, my fucked-up times
are getting way more dark, but I’m excited, because I’m,
like, working the shitty job, my life’s in a shitty place. I’m like, “All right, I have
something to look forward to on one of these
janitor weekends. That sounds like
the worst buddy comedy ever. [imitating announcer]
Get ready for “Janitor Weekend,” starring Zach Braff
and another Zach. [normal voice] There’s just
a lot of Zachs in that movie. Anyway, my friend picks me up,
my friend John. He picks me up.
We stop at the liquor store. He already should’ve known there was gonna be a problem
that weekend, ’cause he got
a 12-pack of beer, and I bought, like, a handle
of Black Velvet whiskey. Oh, my God, there’s, like– That’s, like, what you drink in, like, a baby shower
on “Deadwood,” you know? So… We get in the car. I’m getting, like,
fucking hammered the whole trip to this– And I’m just getting drunker
and drunker. I’m, like, starting to argue
with him. Like, it’s not making
any sense. And we get
to the Gathering of the Vibes, and at this– Like, Gathering of the Vibes
has changed. Like, last time I was there, it was, like, peace, love,
and understanding. Now there’s,
like, one good vibe, and all the other vibes are, “I wonder how much ecstasy
I can get if I steal that guy’s iPod,”
you know? And, like, we’re in the car. We’re arguing,
and then all of a sudden, like, we’re on line. We’re, like, in a car line, waiting to go
into this festival, and the back door opens, and I swear to God, this old man walks in and sit–
He looked like– Imagine if, like, Burt’s Bees
had, like, a cousin, but instead
of selling bee shit, he just sold the milk
he squeezed from possums, you know? [chuckles]
And he sits down, and we look at him,
and he just goes, “Don’t mind me.
Passing through.” And he passes out
in the back… like it was a bonus round
on “Oregon Trail.” But I’m such a drunk. My friend
doesn’t even notice that, because I’m already fucking– Like, I’m already yelling
at him. He’s like, “Stop fucking
with the air conditioner.” And I’m like,
“Your mom’s an air conditioner.” He’s like,
“That doesn’t make any sense. Stop playing
Stevie Nicks’ ‘Landslide.'” I’m like, “It’s a good song.
Go fuck yourself.” We’re fighting back and forth. We’re fighting so much
that in the middle of it, the old guy just wakes up,
and he goes, “Okay.” And he leaves. Like, I was so annoying, I made
a hobo turn down shelter. That’s how annoying I was. He’s like,
“I’d rather die in the cold “than deal with this shit. I’m going back to Hobo Island.” But we’re fighting
more and more. You know, we’re coming down
to the tent area. He’s like, “Fuck you, Dan.”
I’m like, “Fuck you.” He’s like,
“What’s your problem?” “Man, the Iraq War was wrong.” He’s like,
“You’re not making any sense.” I jump out of the car
as it’s driving. Now this sounds, like,
very “Lethal Weapon”-y and impressive, but the car was only going
10 miles an hour. So it just looked like the most low-stakes
hostage situation ever. So he stops the car. He runs after me, grabs me, and he goes,
“What the fuck are you doing?” And I go, “Living, bro,”
and I punch him in the face and run away. Like, there’s happy drunk.
There’s sad drunk. I was run-away drunk. I don’t remember much
of the night. What I do remember is I remember I had taken
two hits of acid, and I was nervous,
because I had drank so much, that I was gonna pass out
and not experience the acid. So I bought a gram of cocaine that I immediately did
to my dome. And I remember I turned to
the guy who sold me the cocaine, and I’m like,
“Oh, you want to talk now?” And he goes, “I’m cool,”
and he walks away. He’s probably a doctor now. And that’s all I remember. I remember I pass out,
and then I woke up the next day, and I was in my friend’s trunk,
and the trunk was open. And my friend is, like, sitting
in the corner. Like, he’s, like, sitting on one
of those, like, camp chairs, and he’s smoking a cigarette, and he’s looking off
into the distance. And it’s just
that palpable feeling of “I fucked up,” you know? And I turn to him,
and I’m like… [meekly]
“Hey, John. [normal voice]
He goes, “What?” I go, “I’m sorry.” And he goes,
“Sorry for what?” “For punching you
in the face.” And then he goes, “The first time
or the second time?” Apparently later in the night,
I punched him in the face again. So it wasn’t a good scene. I walked away. I found, like,
this little creek near the– Not a creek, it was, like,
just kind of a ditch. And I started, like, puking,
’cause I was fucking hungover. The whole thing was, like, the most white-trash
Ansel Adams photo ever. And then this dude comes up
in back of me, and then I just hear, “Rico?” And I’m like, “No, no,”
and I start pu– I’m, like, forcing myself
to puke. And he’s like, “Rico?” I’m like, “I’m not Rico.
I’m not Rico.” And then he goes,
“No, you’re Rico.” I’m like,
“I’m fucking not Ri”– And then he takes out
his digital camera, and he shows the pictures, and I had been partying
with that guy the night before and told him my name was Rico. [chuckles] And, like, I’m like,
“I’m so sorry. He goes, “No, don’t worry, man.
You were fucking hilarious. “You told great stories. “You helped my friend Mike
through a breakup. You, like, played him this
Bob Dylan song that helped.” And then he goes,
“How’s law school going?” I told him I was going
to law school. “Yeah, it’s good.
It’s good.” And then he goes, “Dude, dude,
come here. Come here.” And then he, like, puts a fucking clump of mushrooms
in my hand. And I look at it, and I’m like, “Well, when
in Upstate New York…” And I eat the mushrooms. Cut to, like, a half hour later. At this point, I’m, like,
starting to feel the body buzz, and he goes, “Hey, dance for us
like you did last night.” And I’m like, “What?” So I start dancing,
and they think it’s hilarious, but I think it’s sexy,
’cause I’m tripping. Like, it looked like if Jabba
danced for Leia, you know? It was, like, the opposite
of what it normally is, so… And then I start dancing
away from them, but then they follow me, and we’re all dancing
in this line through the festival. And in the distance,
I see my friend John, and he looks at us and goes,
“What the fuck, Dan?” And then the guy
in back of me goes, “It’s not Dan.
It’s Rico.” And then he goes,
“It’s fucking Dan!” He’s like, “No, it’s Rico!” And then John’s like,
“It’s Dan.” And then the guy reaches
into his pocket, pulls out some more mushrooms,
goes up to my friend John, puts it in his hand, and my friend John looks
at the mushrooms. He goes, “You know… “you know,
Dan was rude, obnoxious, “violent, and drunk
last night, but… “this guy Rico, well… he seems pretty cool.” And he ate the mushrooms,
and we all partied together. It was–Two rehabs later,
I’m still dancing. Guys, thank you so much.
Have a good night. [cheers and applause]

100 Replies to “Dan St. Germain – Bad Vibes – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. Ari's intros are the best. They actually fit the episode, not like that new guy where they all seem like sober insane thoughts hes had. So Obnoxious.

  2. Love the show and this is a great episode but the intro where he shoots up and starts to overdose is not okay. I'm in recovery and I have shit 75 days clean from heroin and coke and that was really triggering to see, especially without expecting to see something like that

  3. This guy could be a lot funnier with his material…. His presentation, approach and delivery is shit. Guess he’s a pathetic slob with his comedy and work ethic as is apparent with other possible areas of his life. Fat ugly vagina…

  4. Yes! Black Velvet! I'm from Montana from the Blackfeet Indian reservation, and up there they call BV Blackfoot violence!

  5. That was a long story and not a great ending. Needs better delivery and less boring details. I honestly lost interest and didn't care about the ending by the time it came around. Good thing I started doing other things.

  6. once my aunt finished a handle of black velvet in less than 24 hours and now she is not allowed at my house

  7. Should take the intro money and give to comics. I wanna see comics become the 1% because that would make things awesome and super weird 🙂

  8. Watching Ari OD on smack and go on a meth rage is very satisfying. However as a former addict giving someone a bump of coke or meth when they OD won't do shit you need narcan js.

  9. Do you know what Wubba Lubba Dub Dub? means? It means "I am in great pain, please help me."

  10. OH MY FUCKIN GOD!! DUDE… THAT WAS SO REAL IN THE BEGINNING I'm fuckin certain dude main lines that shit for REAL…. Oh ya. Dude boots it.

  11. When I was 20 I had 30 thousand Canadian dollars and spent it all on blow. I was afraid to crawl back home and admit defeat. But it was the best stuff! No regrets. And why? A bit late now isn't it?

  12. I mean damn that night was turned up and he didn't even know it! WOW! #DDD. Don't. Do. Drugs. Great story though….👍

  13. Sober 4 years now. Hearing someone's drug stories is about as lame as it gets. This shit isn't funny, it's pathetic. Chris Farley was a huge addict, but he never joked about it, why? Because it isn't funny. It's lame.

  14. Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8

  15. "Stop playing Stevie Nick's Landslide" "Fuck you its a great song" Bruh that had my dying cuz it is a great song😂😂

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