… on the left.
That’s the sister, right? Yeah. From That ’70s Show? Yeah.
They were all like that. Whoa look at this shot. Is that her now? No, that’s not true. It says Eric’s sister from
That ’70s Show is still not doing well. Why does she have
Mac and Me eyes? Yeah, what the fuck? I thought she died.
I’m pretty sure she died. Ah man.
Did she die? No.
What happened? It looks like she got exposed
to the atmosphere of Mars. Yeah, come on …
you have to do the three We weren’t able to get
to the reactor in time. She looks like as the reactor, before the air is let in,
right before. Yeah, right before.
Aw they found her. Look at her. Oh yeah, she died in 2013. Finally.
Aw man. What happened to her? They said she couldn’t
be stopped. I brought some Colorado pot. I got some back to New York.
I’ll just say that. How’s your butthole doing?
Is it recovering all right? It’s still open. You had a barrel of weed
up there. Yeah, I took it,
I emptied out a giant dildo and filled it full of weed. Yeah, they offered it to him in
something that had a point on it so it could go in. And Dan said no, I want blunt.
I want a blunt force. You want to stretch
around a flat surface. I believe what I said
is I want to Wylie Coyote it and just sit in on it
in a Wylie Coyote fashion. You got home and you know
the barrel they put around
a St. Bernard’s neck? One of those. Got it up his ass.
No point, no point at all. No lube. Blunt side. Set it straight up
and down, fucking breathed into it,
squatted down. Give you the name of the guy that does the seminar
in San Diego. Teaches you to breathe
open your asshole. His name is Jordan something. Sweetheart, sweetheart of a man. Can get you to fit
anything up your butt. We were saying coke earlier.
Your eighties coke phase that we were imagining
you going through. I saw this weekend,
I was outside smoking a cigarette
at my hotel in Buffalo. Lovely Buffalo, New York. And a guy was out there, he looked like a 90s
Latino drug dealer. He was wearing a giant oversized
leather Pelle Pelle jacket. He had the winter hat on. His jacket matched his jeans,
they were very tan. Everything was tan on him
and his boots. And he’s walking around upset
because he says this hotel man, I had confirmation they had
a hot tub room for me man, a hot tub.
I go K. Which by the way
I had a hot tub room. It had a fireplace. Wait you had a hot tub
and a fireplace in your room? The fireplace was awesome. Wait, but you had a hot tub. Yeah. Not like a big bath tub like a
hot tub filled with water. Not a hot tub, no.
A jacuzzi tub. A jacuzzi tub. Yeah, I think that’s
what he was saying too. He’s saying they don’t have it
for him and he’s outside. He’s upset and he goes,
I ain’t even worried about me, I’m worried about this pig
I got in the car which I thought was
an interesting way to put it. Oh, real romantic. I’m worried about this pig
I got in the car. And then I see him
pull a bag out of his pocket. There is security around.
There is hotel staff around. And he goes,
yo you want a bump. To you? He goes you want to do bumps. To you? Yeah to me.
He goes you want to do bumps. I went ha no, no,
I’m okay man. Thank you. And he goes well
I’m gonna man, don’t mind me, he goes I’m having fun
this night no matter what. And I’ve never seen this before. I told Christine,
I was so blown away by this. He reached with three fingers
into a pretty big bag of cocaine and grabbed cocaine
with his fingers. And then just sloppily
put it under his nose and just started snorting up.
And it was all over his face- That’s the coke version
of putting water in your hands and drinking it? Dude. He’s just like … It was so obvious.
He almost made the … He did the LeBron chalk throw
at the beginning of the game. It also sounds like the way
a child would do coke. If we were like
how do you do coke. And they’re like you just
grab it and put it in your face. You have to shove it
into your nose with your hands. There’s a certain thing
with coke, if I ever did coke I’d want the ring that opens up
and you just go … Oh yeah? Just fucking get yacked
and just like …. Not me. I want a fucking- Fang necklace- I’d want a diamond necklace
with a little spoon on it. Ew. And then at one point- And I’m gonna grow a fucking
sick ass fingernail. Like a vampire fingernail. Oh absolutely. Just a real Lestat and just
get in there and fucking … Doing gummers. Blast it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah for sure. I’m lucky I wasn’t
living in 1972 because I’d be dead by 1981? Last night me and Christine
dropped Isabella at home in Long Island.
We were driving home. We were having such
a good time in the car. We’re listening …. you know,
we’re not in our car a ton. Yeah, jamming out. Playing music- Sunday night drive. Yeah.
No traffic, it was nice. No traffic, we’re just cruising. Daughter’s back at home
with mom, you two are back
on the prowl. Ripping butts. In the car?
Yeah man. Aw man. So fucking funny.
The week they got that car and we came to your house
to watch Joey Lagano take it all. They’re like dude,
no we’re not smoking in there. You’ll never,
ever smell it buddy. I am all over
that car, meticulous. It just didn’t feel like our car
until we smoked in it. You fucking … Stopped smoking all around. But while we are,
car’s best place. Car’s the best place
to smoke in the world. In the world. It’s the place
I miss smoking the most. When we were in the car
for the first day we got it and we were in it for seven
hours on the way to Philly, I think we only smoked
one cigarette. But how good does that one feel when you go like you guys
want to smoke one, you want to split one
and you’re like oh. We’re like leaning out
the window. In a snow storm. Oh, smoking. Hey good job evil people
who made it. So we were driving,
smoking cigarettes, literally singing along.
Me and Christine are going 18, I get confused every day.
Put that on in the background. This is bert kreischer-esq
story. Me and Christine are having
such a good time singing along with this. And then I get interrupted by,
it’s Bluetooth to the car. So the song gets interrupted by,
says Jacob Battat
calling. And me and Christine
are feeling good. And we go hey
Jacob sort of thing. Windows are down
so we’re smoking, it’s very windy and loud. And we push the button,
answer the call, and we go Jacob what’s up? We’re gonna really fly this week
aren’t we buddy. I mean legit. I go Jacob’s
what’s up. Christine goes this better be
good, you’re interrupting Alice Cooper.
And Jacob, it’s funny … bad reception for whatever
reason, we’re not getting. He goes, yeah I was just,
email came and I don’t know. And I go wait Jacob wait
what’s going on. He’s like, you tell me. We can’t really hear you
very well, I’m going Jacob. Now me and Christine
are both thinking, we found out later,
we were both thinking. I go is Jacob OD-ing?
Jacob’s on drugs. Jacob’s on drugs and he doesn’t
know what’s going on. It was like he must have
had a dream or … He had a weird mix
and he’s calling us. It also sounds
so discombobulated. Gotta get me out of the mud man. The mud man’s coming for me.
We’re all falling. The mud man. We’re all falling
and everyone’s sleeping. And I ain’t ready
to go to sleep. I don’t want to sleep forever. I want to wake up.
Please help me wake up. You need to drive
over here right now. Wake me up. Bring me a Red Bull,
shoot me to space. I need wings baby. JB needs wings. JB. JB needs his wings baby. He goes, very disturbing
email I got. Still it’s kinda loud
with the car and I go disturbing email
you got? I go what’s wrong. He goes- Well he called me too.
So I’m like from me? Is my email …
I’m going through my emails. No the way he said it,
please why does no one trust that I can just tell
this story the best. I am looking at you listening. I know but this one jumps ahead,
that’s what she does. She’s a momentum killer. Let’s kiss.
Get in here, nothing that two tongues
knocking around won’t change. It’s just ridiculous. So- It was a tempo changer. He goes, I got a very disturbing
email. I go disturbing email? I go well wait
a second from who? It was like a horror movie.
I go from who? He goes from you. And I went what? I go, Christine bail
these cigarettes we gotta roll the windows up
and hear what this is happening. Now pause the story right there. Now I want to go
to Jacob’s perspective. When you called Jay, and I’m not
gonna say what happened. When you called Jay and you know
it’s a dire situation and you hear
Jay acting so … His tone couldn’t have
been happier. It was the greatest day
of his life. And so was this
making you feel crazy? Yeah. Dude, it was Sunday.
We were eating shit all day. I said what did you do … but I don’t want
to get in the story but how could you be
in such a good mood? I went to a Sixer’s game. Eagles lost but that was
a hell of a season. Hell of a season. Good job Eagles getting back
in the playoffs after losing. Yeah, I’ll give an official
Nick Foles send off, fucking memorial
at some point. But overall just yeah, spent
the whole day with Isabella. We had fun. We dropped her off
back in Long Island. Good time listening
to music with her. It’s a good day, yeah,
that’s the emotion he got. From you. I go wait,
bail these cigarettes, roll these windows up,
now I gotta hear. The call is coming
from inside the house. Yes. That’s the weirdest,
when he said that I go … I started thinking back-
It’s you. Now by the way, right away
I was going through my head I go if I sent
something weird or something. Like a voice memo accidentally
in your phone gets sent. Yes, now I’m like was something
sent accidentally that’s like weird or something.
I’ve definitely … I mean I don’t sent
Christine dick pics, or send dick pics around. You know what I mean?
I’m like what could this be and why would
that be disturbing anyway. Who could it be now? I’m in complete … I’m like
what is he talking about. This is a mistake. Christine’s
going through her phone looking. Did you get an email? No I didn’t get an email. He called me
so it was confusing. Then all of the sudden
I was like, I’m going into
Jay’s sent folder. You want me to read the email? No. Who do you want to read
the email? This is what Jacob
just says to me. He goes, from you. I go Jacob what are you talking,
I didn’t email you. I’ve never emailed you
I don’t think even. I text you. And he goes- That’s something
I wouldn’t say baby. And all I hear is he goes,
it’s an email saying that you had
a humongous fight with Jonas who’s a big dog
Comedy Central. Yeah, one of the top dogs. One of the top dogs. He goes you had
a big blow out with Jonas and in the split second
my mind went from … when he said that I was like
my thing got hacked, something terrible. And I swear to you
in a split second I went huh, and started
laughing hysterically. And I go oh,
it just took me back to half time of the Eagles game,
they’re up by four points. Yep 14-10. They’re up 14-10
and I’m like you know what,
they’re losing momentum but they’re gonna
fix it at half time. They’re gonna come back. I’m just alive
with hope and promise. Already had seen
the Sixer’s win live. And I go oh half time
of the game, I go still looking good,
we’re gonna be good. Hey Christine you want to go
outside and smoke a cigarette. She goes yeah. Ari Shaffir goes hey while
you guys are smoking a cigarette can I use your laptop
for a minute. So in my mind I go,
had a fight with … Ari. I go Ari completely … Jacob I don’t know
what that email says and I don’t want to know yet
but I’m just telling you that that’s definitely
Ari Shaffir went into my email. ‘Cause like an idiot
I gave him my computer thinking why would Ari go
through my personal email. Yeah, why would he do that? So this is fantastic. I want to explain, we’ll read
the email in a second. ‘Cause I have it still unopened
because he sent it. Great. Now let me tell you. He sent it to the wrong
email address for me. That’s hilarious. So he sent it to a throw away
one that I have. So you didn’t get a chance
to see it? So I didn’t see it. Well Jacob did see. You don’t know what it says
either, neither do I. Christine read it.
But this is the best I go watch, let’s go give him
his victory lap ’cause he left that grenade. I bet he himself forgot
about it already. This is the best part. I described what our night
was so far, spending time with Isabella
and everything all day. We call Ari and put him
on three-way with Jacob. And Ari just starts
laughing right away. I go dude, I just want you
to understand what you did worked wonderfully
because Jacob interrupted … then I described the whole thing
I just described to you. Amazing night,
we’re listening to music, and Jacob called and goes you
sent me the message. And he just starts cackling,
cackling laughing on the phone. And then he goes, yeah and also I made it
a real teaching moment. I went Isabella, you see
when someone hands you an opportunity
to do something like this. So Isabella completely aware,
didn’t say a word all day. Completely aware
that bomb’s laying out there that she’s gonna possibly
kill Jacob with anxiety. So funny, and possibly me.
And it was aimed at me too. I still don’t know
what the email says. We’re gonna read it
right now on air. So what and we have
guests coming. But they’re supposed
to be here at 7:00. What are you gonna do.
Stop panicking Jacob. I’m not panicking. You fucking nervous ass. I’m telling you. Guys let’s just flex it out. So yeah, who do you want
to read the email? Maybe Christine. I’m completely out of nowhere. Maybe Jacob, maybe Jacob’s voice
reading will be so good because he read it
and it shot fear into him. Yeah, and I can tell
by the first line, if it is the same email
I got. It is.
Oh it is. Okay, so it’s a group email.
Perfect. He sent it to both of you. That’s why when Christine
got on she panicked and started telling you. By the way then Christine’s
anxiety kicks in hard ’cause she starts
going into panic mode. She goes well
what if Dan sees it. I go what do you think
Dan’s gonna do call Comedy Central before he calls us
to be like what happened? Comedy Central, Dan Soder, I just got
a nasty little email. I heard of a disagreement
between … The only words I heard was got into a fight with Jonas
at Comedy Central. And I just have an email
that says bad fucking news. Bad fucking news. Is that the name of the email
Yeah. So Jacob’s gonna read it? So why don’t we read the email. He wrote it, I gotta say
give him credit, in your style. I could see you
writing like this. That’s hilarious. It’s just misspellings and
you spell like Corey Feldman. It’s like R is AR. Got to be kicking ass
all the … Wasn’t scared so much as anger ’cause I called
my brother before and I was like
what the fuck happened. I can’t do it.
I can’t do this. You called your brother before? What could he have
possibly said to this guy? Oh I don’t know dude,
I have to hear this email. You’re getting ahead,
I don’t know what this thing is. Well the email goes … It starts off saying we just
into a massive fight with Jonas at Comedy Central. He’s threatening
to end the Bonfire. I’m dealing with it
all right now with Ed Brooke but if they call
you don’t say anything. Actually, don’t even
take the call until I get a chance
to talk to you. This is really fucking bad. So this weekend
I checked Instagram and I got a very long
DM that I was like … It was a request.
I never check the requests but I checked the requests
and I was like what the fuck. You know I check them
once in a while. I check them very rarely.
Let them build. Yeah, check them very rarely. So I’m checking it and I’m like
God this is fucking weird. What is this one?
It’s this long fucking thing. At first I’m like someone’s mad so you have that reaction
of like what are you mad about. It was mad for sure right away? Right away. How can you tell right away? Man. The exclamation
points are out of … ‘Cause the subject was you
really fucked me on this one. Oh dude. And it starts in such a way
that you’re like already I can tell I can mentally
beat you in an argument. So immediately you’re like
I understand they’re mad. They’re always like
some things aren’t funny. Yeah. A line like that will always
make you go … yeah, let’s have
this argument. It just started
a couple days ago … oh dude this is just great,
I’ll read the whole email. So then I’m like
this is fucking hilarious, I screen grab it.
I try to send it but it’s like six screen grabs
or I’d have to allow the message and I’m not allowing
the message. I’m not allowing this fucking
dork to get through. So then I check my email
and this lady emailed my website too with the same message,
just copy and pasted. So I was like beautiful.
Now I got it in one slick place where I can read it
on my radio show. Or as she calls it, my concert. So what it is is … Wait your concerts? I did a joke on Conan
and at Live at Gotham years ago about Russians being
the scariest white people. And then your world tour also. And my world tour called
You Think This Bad Neighborhood. Nate Bargatze always used
to joke around that it was my Free Bird.
It was like the only good joke I wrote
play Russian and you’re like I don’t fucking play
that song no more. But you know I did it … Can we only call our shows
concerts from now on? Well let me read the email and you’ll see
what she called a concert and it’s fucking hilarious. I was gonna say can we call them
all concerts though. He goes guys if you want
to see me live in concert, I’ll be … Dude I’m gonna be live
in concert, yeah. Tomorrow night we’re doing
a big concert where there’s a bunch of
different performers coming out. It’s gonna be a hell
of a concert. I’m going to do a concert
at Frantic. I’m gonna be playing
on that concert. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It’s a big concert. And then we’re gonna
have a thing at the Comedy Cellar Concert
Hall. Yeah, Comedy Cellar
Concert Hall. It’s a big deal.
It’s a real big deal. So I’ll just read
you the message. I won’t read you
her name or anything but this is fucking great. Let me get some Russian music
there Blue if you could. Dan Soder, couple of days ago my kids complained that somebody
mocked them scary Russian. I didn’t believe it. I live in Virginia
already about three years and we never ever had
this kind of problems. I think she’s definitely Russian
because this is written in the broken English of a
Russian, or are you making … Dude, I swear. No. Like you make big mistake. Dude, this is written. Okay. I’m intrigued. Listen, I’m a voice guy,
I love to joosh it up. I love to bring it
more closer to me. This is just straight
fucking farm to table bud. Love it. I’m just adding the accent. I’m just throwing
a little bit of parsley on it. F2T? F2T. Later I turn on the radio
in my car and understood
what the problem is. You created this problem. It was an advertising
of your concert on the radio with “Russians are scary.” My daughter was at the moment
in car with me. She started to cry
and ask me why am I scary? She is six.
How I have to explain it to her. How I have to explain
that we’re not scary to friends and classmates of kids
to my neighbors. To my coworkers? Question mark? Yeah. Now I feel terrible. It is insult based
on nationality. You are nationalist
Dan Soder. Stop it. You are nationalist?
Not a nationalist. You are nationalist. You’re nationalist. You are nationalist Dan Soder.
Stop it all caps. Wait when someone says
someone is a nationalist, does that mean
their racist condonations? Yeah, you can also call it Xenophobic, you can call it
a lot of things. But when they say
someone’s a nationalist isn’t that what the …
is that what they mean? Yeah, I think so. Like it’s the same ist
as racist? Or sexist? Yeah, it’s got an ist in it
so it’s … I’ve never put those things
together in my life. Maybe it’s the dumbest thing
I ever said out loud. No it’s okay.
But nationalist? Dude I call the receipt
a recipe. You know what then, if I could
take these gloves off I’d clap right now.
But they’re part of me. Yeah. I don’t know if you know,
I had them sewed into my skin. Well she goes on to explain what
she thinks a nationalist is. Hell yeah. You can’t insult
and blame people only because
of their nationality, only because they are Russian.
So according to you, Dan Soder, Russians are
the scariest white people. I’m Russian. I’ve got PhD degree
and I speak three languages. Not well. My husband was U.S. Navy
for many years. He is a submariner.
I mean that’s hilarious. Submariner. I’m Russian language professor
here in Virginia and I’m not scary. She’s certainly not
an English professor. Yeah. My daughter is six
and her classroom teacher said in her grade report
she is just sweet little girl. Like she’s writing
in the grade report against me. Wow. It’s like you stupid shit head, this is a joke that I did on
Conan fucking eight years ago. This is the best. She started
to play piano this year. She’s Russian
and she’s not scary. I want that to be
the new catchphrase. Russians playing piano is scary. It’s terrifying. It’s terrifying, yeah. Empty a house out
and just put a piano with a little Russian girl
playing piano. I won’t believe
she’s not a ghost. I’ll leave before I check. Yeah, oh you want
another ghost like scenario. How about this one. My son is 13.
He is trying his best to- He walks in circle in corner
of dimly lit room wearing school boy uniform
from many years ago. He sings song and when you try
to listen it turns to scream. Is he scary. He’s constantly shushing you and telling you if you
make noise it will get us. That’s scary to you? He turns his head backwards
and crawls like animal. Is he not scary to you? He’s stare you in eye while you
watch him choke dog to death. That strike you as terrify? He climb up side of wall,
right along ceiling. Is that scary to you? You watch him bite bullet
out of his own hand. You find that not to be
family boy but to be scary? So it says … Watch your back Dan Soder.
Anyways, what I’m saying is, you’ll never know
when I’ll strike. I’ll find you. Sleep well on your Sleep Number.
How does she know that? She must be
a consistent listener. We haven’t had them
as sponsors for years. Christine probably gave
your address out over the air. That’s his phone number
and his address. You got it all. This is Trish’s address. But thank goodness for security cameras.
You come for my mom you get got. You got to get got. So it ends like this. She’s talking about her son. Because English
is second language. He loves our dog. He is Russian
and he is not scary. Sometimes he love dog too much which is concerning
but not scary. Not scary. He says dog
is friend and lover? Anyways … Romantic, not scary. Not scary. Sensual, against
rules of society, not scary. Little off the grid,
you know off the reservation they say, but not scary. I say different strokes
for different folks. No scary. I have friends in Richmond.
I won’t call names. She’s a student in Richmond
University and he’s a doctor. Her name is Boris Yolchelsky. Her name is Olga … … that’s I don’t know,
she’s Swedish. He’s working at hospital
intensive therapy department. He’s saving people’s
lives every single day. They are Russian
and they are not scary. My friend from Portsmith
is an operationist at bank. She has very cute
little daughter. They are Russian
and they are not scary. They are not scary. Not scary, not Russian
are scary, you are scary. Dan Soder scary. You are the scariest white man. She said it so it’s
fucking cred right here. Wow. Yeah, guess what pinkies,
you got a new king and his name is Danny Sodes. If you don’t get the words
scary written across the top
of your back in crazy Gothic letters dude. Oh my God, yeah bro,
with knives. Like really Gothic,
the word scary. Oh dude, the eye is a knife. So the A’s in the middle,
you could make the A something. Anarchy because
you can’t hold me. Oh so the words, S and C
in old crazy block, crazy shadowing in them,
Gothic letters. And then the A
is an anarchy symbol. Fucking rad dude. And then the R and Y
are back to the Gothic shit. Oh man come get some.
Come get some of that. If you don’t get it
there’s a chance I might get it. Gosh I wish
I was the scariest white guy. Well you know what- She took it as a fucking insult but now I wish
I was dubbed with that. She told me
I should apologize. I’ve been told I’m the fattest
guy a girl would fuck. That’s pretty cool. But that’s …
You can’t even make an acronym that makes that work
across my back. Yeah you can. Yeah.
What? Cushion for the pushin’. Yeah, but where’s
the anarchy part? Where’s the anarchy sign go? One of the U’s? Cushion for the pushin’
across my back. Cushion number four, DA pushin’. And the four is also
an anarchy sign. We solve problems
at the Bonfire.