Earlier this year I faced a lot of hardship,
a lot of loss. First with the bathtub electrocution double suicide of my parents. And when I asked
you guys to be at the memorial, none of you showed up. I mean, Daniel, you left me that
heartfelt status update that you tagged me in. That was nice. That was nice. And then
about a month later when I got laid off from work for crying during meetings, I couldn’t
find any of you. Come to find out, you’re on a wine tasting trip in Napa, again, without
me. So, I gotta ask you guys, are you retarded? Goddammit Daniel, you got them all worked
up. People, sshh! I’m sorry I shot Daniel. Before I shot Daniel, I asked you guys a question.
Are you retarded? And the answer? Yes, yes you are. Because when it comes to maintaining
and nurturing your friendship with me, you guys are slow. You’re downright downsie. After
you, and you, and you, and you shacked up, I got snubbed for everything. I wasn’t even
good enough to by your guys’ fifth wheel. “It was a couples’ thing, it was a couples’
thing. We didn’t think to invite you because it was a…” I don’t care. I just, I just
wanted to hang out with you guys. I want to laugh and have fun. So tonight, we’re having
a dinner party. I’m hosting. And that was the end of cocktail hour. Thanks for ruining
it Daniel. Am I right? Let’s eat! So my sister flies the door open, no knocking, no nothing.
And I’m like, putting it away really quick. And and I’m like acting like I’m reading the
Playboy just for the articles, right, cause I’m so debonaire. And she’s like, “you have
Vaseline all over your hand.” And I’m like, “Yeah, cause it gets rough sometimes.” And
she goes, “Well, dinner’s ready… when you are.” Fucking bitch. Oh! Does anybody want
Daniel’s crescent roll? See guys, this was all I ever wanted.