Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAVE CHAPPELLE! ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, BEEN A LONG TIME. IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME.
SO PLEASE BE PATIENT. YOU KNOW, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN THE ELECTION.
I DID SUSPECT IT. SEEMED LIKE HILLARY WAS DOING
WELL IN THE POLLS AND YET — I KNOW THE WHITES.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GUYS AREN’T AS SURPRISED AS
YOU USED TO BE. AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF
BLACK AMERICA WHEN I SAY THAT WE ARE ALL PRAYING FOR AMEROSA.
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING IN THE NEWS.
BUT AMERICA’S DONE IT. WE’VE ACTUALLY ELECTED AN
INTERNET TROLL AS OUR PRESIDENT. THE WHITES ARE SERIOUS.
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. HAVEN’T SEEN WHITES THIS MAD
SINCE O.J. SCREAMING WHITE PEOPLE ON BOTH
SIDES, AAHHH! I’M NOT SAYING I’M ENJOYING IT,
I’M JUST SAYING I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE.
I WATCHED A WHITE RIOT IN PORTLAND, OREGON, ON TELEVISION
THE OTHER NIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEWS SAID THEY DID A MILLION DOLLARS’ WORTH OF DAMAGE.
EVERY BLACK PERSON WATCHING WAS LIKE, AMATEURS.
I’M STAYING OUT OF IT. IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE KAEPERNICK
AND LET THE WHITES FIGURE THIS OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WE’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, WE’VE
BEEN HERE BEFORE. HOW MANY OF YOU THINK IT’S THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING WE’RE DEALING WITH?
DON’T FORGET. DON’T FORGET ALL THE THINGS THAT
ARE GOING ON. SHOOTINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? ALL THESE SHOOTINGS THE LAST
YEAR. THE WORST MASS SHOOTINGS IN THE
HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. PULSE NIGHTCLUB WHICH SHE SAID
ISIS DID. TURNED OUT THAT WASN’T EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED, THEN ISIS
IS SCARIER THAN I THOUGHT, BECAUSE THEY HAVE VERY DEEP
COVER OPERATIVES. GOING OUT DEEP FOR THIS ONE, I
MIGHT HAVE TO GET A GRINDER ACCOUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUMP A FEW GUYS OFF TO THROW
THEM OFF THE TRAIL. WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE LEDGED
ALLEGIANCE TO ISIS BEFORE HE DID WHAT HE DID.
WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING IN ISIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE I WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL, RIGHT BEFORE I DID
I SCREAMED OUT WUTANG. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M IN THE
WU-TANG CLAN. THAT JUST MEANS I’M SHOUTING
WUTANG OUT. MORE SHOOTINGS THAN I CAN
LITERALLY COUNT. YOU CAN’T EVEN GO TO THE GODDAMN
ZOO WITHOUT SEEING SHOOTING OUT THERE.
THEY SHOT A GORILLA AT MY LOCAL ZOO.
THE CINCINNATI POLICE SAID SHOOTING THAT GORILLA WAS THE
TOUGHEST DECISION ITS DEPARTMENT EVER HAD TO MAKE.
I SAID, YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE A LOT OF N — IN GORILLA COSTUMES
THEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT BLACK LIVES MATTER?
NOW I ADMIT THAT IS NOT THE BEST SLOGAN.
BUT McDONALD’S ALREADY TOOK, YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I GUESS IT’S KIND OF CATCHY
BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BITING IT.
EVEN THE POLICE BITE IT. BLUE LIVES MATTER.
WHAT, WAS YOU BORN A POLICE? THAT IS NOT A BLUE LIFE, IT’S A
BLUE SUIT. YOU DON’T LIKE IT?
TAKE THAT BLUE SUIT OFF, FIND A NEW JOB.
IF I COULD QUIT BEING BLACK TODAY, I’D BE OUT OF THE GAME.
THAT IS THE NEXT BEST THING, I BECAME A RICH BLACK PERSON.
WHICH IS HARDER THAN YOU’D THINK.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. YOUR LIFE BECOMES GENTRIFIED.
LIKE BROOKLYN. ALL YOUR BLACK FRIENDS START
MOVING OUT, ALL THESE NEW WHITE FRIENDS START MOVING IN.
YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING THINGS TO FRIENDS YOU GREW UP WITH THAT
YOU NEVER DREAMED YOU’D SAY. SORRY, YOU CAN’T COME WITH US,
ONLY ENOUGH ROOM IN THE BALLOON BASKET FOR FOUR.
[ LAUGHTER ] DONALD TRUMP, HE DID IT.
HE’S OUR PRESIDENT. I FEEL BAD SAYING IT.
I’M STAYING AT THE TRUMP HOTEL RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON’T KNOW IF HE’S GOING TO
MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT BUT HE MAKES A SWELL HOTEL SUITE, I
TELL YOU THAT. HOUSEKEEPING COMES IN IN THE
MORNING, CLEANS MY ROOM. GOOD MORNING, HOUSEKEEPING.
GRAB A BIG HANDFUL OF PUSSY. BOSS SAID IT WAS OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] SORRY ABOUT THAT, LORNE.
ALL MY BLACK FRIENDS WHO HAVE MONEY SAID THE SAME THING WHEN
TRUMP GOT ELECTED. THAT’S IT, BRO, I’M OUT.
I’M LEAVING THE COUNTRY. I DO COMING WITH US?
NO, I’M GOOD, I’M GOING TO GET THIS TAX BREAK, SEE HOW IT WORKS
OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S HOW IT IS BEING DAVE CHAPPELLE.
FIRST TIME I GOT SOME MONEY, DIDN’T WORK OUT LIKE THIS.
MOST UNLIKELY THING HAPPENED EVER, A BLACK PRESIDENT CAME OUT
OF NOWHERE. COME ON EVERYBODY, LET’S START
THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST GOT THIS MONEY!
I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE! TRUMP WENT TO GO SEE OBAMA LAST
WEEK, SEE THAT? YEAH.
YOU SEE TRUMP’S FACE WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE MEETING?
TRUMP GOT SONNED. HE LOOKED SHOOK.
LOOKED LIKE HE GOT SHOOK. PROBABLY CAME IN THERE, HOW ARE
YOU, MR. PRESIDENT? GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HELLO, DONALD. HOW YOU FEELING?
OH, GOD. GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS JOB LOOKS
LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
REALLY? IT’S NOT THAT HARD, AT LEAST YOU
GET TO BE WHITE WHILE YOU’RE DOING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I’M JUST SAYING, I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
NERVOUS? COME ON MAN, RELAX, YOU HAVEN’T
EVEN MET THE ALIENS YET, IT’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S GOING TO DO.
BUT I KNOW OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB. I THINK WE’LL ALL MISS HIM WHEN
HE’S GONE. DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THANK GOD HE LIVED TO TELL
ABOUT IT. THIS IS THE FIRST BLACK DUDE
THAT EVER HEARD AMERICA’S SECRETS.
AND I’M HAPPY HE LIVED. IF — IF SOMEONE THREATENED OUR
PRESIDENT, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME THAT I’D WANT HIM TO BE STEREO
TYPICALLY BLACK. HE’D BE ON THE NEWS LIKE, AN
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT WAS CARRIED OUT TODAY ON THE
PRESIDENT. IN A BIZARRE SERIES OF EVENTS,
THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF WAS ARMED. [ LAUGHTER ]
FIRED BACK. KILLING FOUR PEOPLE THAT HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INCIDENT. HE THEN RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT,
SCREAMED OUT “CHI-TOWN” FOR SOME REASON.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, BEFORE I GO, I DO WANT
TO SAY ONE THING. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
BUT I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT THAT I SAY THIS.
BECAUSE THEY’RE MARCHING UP THE STREET RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A PARTY.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I’VE BEEN THERE IN MANY YEARS.
AND IT WAS VERY EXCITING. AND B.E.T. SPONSORED THE PARTY.
SO EVERYONE THERE WAS BLACK. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I WALKED THROUGH THE GATES. I’M FROM WASHINGTON, SO I SAW
THE BUS STOP, THE CORNER WHERE THE BUS STOP USED TO BE.
WHERE I USED TO CATCH THE BUS TO SCHOOL AND DREAM ABOUT NIGHTS
LIKE TONIGHT. IT WAS A REALLY, REALLY
BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE
WENT INTO THE WEST WING OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND IT WAS A HUGE
PARTY. AND EVERYBODY IN THERE WAS
BLACK. EXCEPT FOR BRADLEY COOPER, FOR
SOME REASON. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND ON THE WALLS WERE PICTURES OF ALL THE PRESIDENTS.
OF THE PAST. NOW, I’M NOT SURE IF THIS IS
TRUE, BUT TO MY KNOWLEDGE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT THAT WAS
OFFICIALLY INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE WAS FREDERICK DOUGLASS.
THEY STOPPED HIM AT THE GATES. ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TO WALK OUT
HIMSELF AND ESCORT FREDERICK DOUGLASS INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT DIDN’T HAPPEN AGAIN AS FAR AS I KNOW UNTIL ROOSEVELT WAS
PRESIDENT. ROOSEVELT WAS PRESIDENT, HE HAD
A BLACK GUY OVER. AND GOT SO MUCH FLACK FROM THE
MEDIA THAT HE LITERALLY SAID, I WILL NEVER HAVE A N — IN THIS
HOUSE AGAIN. I THOUGH ABOUT THAT, LOOKED AT
THAT BLACK ROOM, SAY ALL THOSE BLACK FACES AND BRADLEY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I SAW HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY
WAS. THESE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED. IT MADE ME FEEL HOPEFUL AND IT
MADE ME FEEL PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN AND IT MADE ME VERY
HAPPY ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF OUR COUNTRY.
SO, IN THAT SPIRIT, I’M WISHING DONALD TRUMP LUCK.
AND I’M GOING TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
AND WE, THE HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED, DEMAND THAT HE
GIVE US ONE TOO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A TRIBE CALLED QUEST IS IN THE BUILDING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] DON’T GO ANYWHERE, WE WILL BE
RIGHT BACK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪

100 Replies to “Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue – SNL”

  1. 7:28 The look on his face when the audience doesn't get it…you can see him coming to a realization …and then continuing with his act. Brilliant

  2. What did OBAMA DO ??
    DEPORTED ILLEGAL ALIEN & CRIMINALS.
    BUILT CAGES FOR CHILDREN OF ILLEGAL ALIENS.
    BUILT SOME WALL.
    PUT HILLARY INTO STATE DEPT.
    CORRUPTED THE DOJ, FBI, AND CONGRESS.
    OBAMA WAS A FRAUD OF BONA FIDES.
    OBAMA AND HIS DNC IS NAUGHT OF SOLA FIDES.
    ISLAMO-COMMUNISM IS REJECTED.
    PACT OF UMAR IS REJECTED.
    FUCK OFF ISLAM, AND MOHAMMED, AND ABU BAKR.
    1400 YEARS OF PLUNDERING IS PROVENANCE.
    CONSTITUTION OF YATHRIB IS PROVENANCE.
    CONSTITUTION OF PUNTLAND IS PROVENANCE.
    OPEN, NOTORIOUS, AND TRANSPARENT BLASPHEMES.
    KEEP THE 10&7…. TIS MINDFUL MEEKNESS
    SHALOM.

  3. One of things I appreciate about his comedy is that he tackles uncomfortable issues with race, but this bit relies too heavily on it. Like adding gratuitous sex scenes to a movie just because you can.

  4. Listen to all the sheep cheering that Obama did a good job while also booing Trump for the same shit they ignored when Obama did it

  5. Here we are 2019, the MSM full of hate for Trump and the other half of America who supported him.
    Dave was one of the Few who said lets give our new president a chance.

  6. did your staff writers write most of these jokes? way to take one of the funniest and reverent comedians in the country and turn him into a political clown. thanks snl.

  7. Sorry Dave you didn't get your wish, instead America 🇺🇸 now has the worst Racist to ever stain that office, and the Demonic Orange Creature has proved to the world throughout his presence, actions and words in the White House that the Devil 😈 Exists.

  8. Final comments show's how Intelligent Dave is… an American Patriot.
    Does not matter left or right…
    Respect for Our Republic is what matters.

  9. I think instead of a musical guest, SNL should once in a while run a comic during that time. Let some comic come out and do a short monologue

  10. Came back to this and watched it again.
    I REEEEEEAAAAALLLLYY hope that blacks America gives him a chance, I would say that the lowest black employment in history means that he has kept his word to you.

  11. Well, there goes Dave Chappelle's reputation with smart people…. "Obama did a good job….." WTF???? Obama was one of the most incompetent and unqualified and corrupt Presidents we've ever had. That fucker was the worst President of the 20th and so far, 21st Centuries. The ONLY reason he said Obama did a good job was because Obama was fuckin black. Fuck that! Trump on the other hand has been the best President this country has seen in at least 150 years if not longer.

  12. I don't understand how no one was racist when Obama won 2 terms but as soon as Trump wins, they're all racist again. what a joke

  13. And so it came to pass, Trump made black employment a priority, he identified ‘opportunity zones’ to overhaul black areas and divert huge sums of money into investment and even worked on the pensions to improve the lives of the older black folks. Well done Dave, he listened

  14. The underrated part of this is the house band genuinely laughing their asses off at the jokes.

    Usually, they have to fake clap and fake laugh. This time, they’re doubled over. 😂

  15. As if Trump has anything to do with the decline of blacks since the 1960s. Blame the democrats and the glorification of crime culture, and blame yourselves for remaining suckered by the democratic plantation. Remember that other blacks sold you into slavery, and remember that millions of whites gave their lives to free you from it. Don't blame Donald Trump, who in reality is the best thing that's happened for blacks since the Civil Rights Act in 1964. It is now 2019. Vote the democrats out, work hard and get a piece of that pie. You control your destiny.

  16. Used to be a mildly amusing, mildly annoying lefty. Now he's the best comedian on the planet. Not mere entertainment either. Deeply thought-provoking. Bravo for not jumping through all the hoops that these Hollywood monsters wanted him too. Hard not to admire this man. A real man and a genius.

  17. After sticks and stones this is even more funny. Who would have thought Dave would end up a poster child of the anti left movent? The man is a legend.

  18. Hey David Chappelle says that he will give Trump a chance, and we the historically disenfranchised Demand that Trump give us one (chance) to.

    Well Trump HAS come through for the Black Americans. He signed the First Step Act (Reauthorizing a Second Chance) by helping a whole lot of Black inmates get all the resources to re-enter society by having access to opportunity that they have never been able have in the past because of their criminal records.

    Trump Has and is Still building great opportunity for Black Americans to be self sufficient and prosperous.

  19. Mr David , one of the greatest Americans ever !!! MANY THANKS DAVE FOR MAKING US LAUGH OUR ASS'S OFF !!! THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR EYES WOULD BE A MUCH HAPPY PLACE , ALL BECAUSE YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH ! LOVE YOU BROTHER !!!

  20. Jees!! this guy hates being black!! The Irish were persecuted by the English for over 200 years!!! do we go on about it?!! Maybe if blacks stopped their moaning and committed less crime, they would be more accepted in the USA (they are very much accepted in most other countries).. All da niggas stickin together!! Barak Obama was possibly one of the worst Presidents America ever had! interesting fact is that Obama ADDED 9.27 TRILLION to Americas national dept before handing it over to Trump, Don't get me wrong her, personally speaking, I am like the vast majority of non Americans out there who literally couldn't care if the US sank in the morning, Its just that I can't stand a moany whingy minority twat with a stage and a mike….

  21. Now if we take everything he said and switch the words black and white (with a white comedian) it would be touted as racist. So how is this not?

  22. Man what a great closing line. This is what an American should be. Open minded and positive. It brought tears to my eyes. Chapelle is one deep brother.

  23. You want to know something, President Trump is giving African Americans a chance. There are more African Americans who are millionaires at this time because of this President than at any other time in our history.
    So Mr. Chappelle, what are you doing for your fellow man now that you are one of those millionaires?

  24. 😂😅😄Obama did a good job😂😂we are gonna miss him😂😂😂. I swear this motherfucker now knows the truth. That's why it's so funny today.

  25. I mean was any portion of Obama's job really that ground breaking? Hell half the black people I know admit the only reason they voted for him, was because of racial bias. And yet none of them know what he did for them. Shit was a joke and everybody knows it.

  26. They say Chapelle is a lone wolf – bullshit. There was an edict to bash Trump and dance for white liberals in this monologue … and he did it.

  27. Sad how this talented man is now a Nazi sympathizer according to the critics. Unhinged leftists have lost their minds! I bet SNL won't be inviting Dave to their shows in the future until he apologizes to the "protected" gays.

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  29. Obama didn’t do a good job. And he is half white and half black smh. But yeah everyone wants to run with he’s black. I like Dave but he was wrong on Obama. Terrible job.

  30. Is it me or are the audience not really into his jokes. And forced to laugh or clap. (?) As for Dave Chappelle his history is off. Another black person to be invited to the White House was with the 28th President Woodrow Wilson had civil-rights leader William Monroe Trotter. Of course that ended badly with Wilson throwing Trotter out of the Oval Office.

  31. It's funny how time shapes your perspective, Dave, now the crowd you tried to cater to has turned on you like ferocious lions. NOW you understand why that internet troll was elected.

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