Dave Landau – Wolf Master – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– So now this dude’s
on top of me,
trying to bite my face off, which didn’t bother me,
’cause dude was naked. So the whole time I could feel
his cock and balls slamming against my thighs.[dark electronic music]♪ ♪– Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” [chatter]
– [burps] – I’m your host, Roy Wood, Jr. Hey, there you go, boys.
Drink up. Nobody’s gonna remember what
the hell’s happening tonight. That dude’s trying
to get my couch pregnant. He peeing out the window. – [retches] – C’mon, man. John Legend
bought me that piano. [crowd cheers] Who brought a ball pit? – [screams] [crowd gasps] – [groans triumphantly] [crowd cheers]♪ ♪– You know this man
from his movie, “The King.” Please give it up
for Dave Landau.[electronic music][cheers and applause] – Uh, so I was arrested
13 times. All for alcohol convictions. And, uh, this story’s
about my sixth arrest. Uh– When I was 17 years old,
I was at a house party. And I was
a really insecure kid, so I would do anything to
get people to like me. So it’s shocking
that I became a comic. And when I was a kid,
I was at this house party. And my friend Nick goes, hey, Dave,
you should bong a fifth. And I was like,
you’re right. So, my friend Anthony
held out a beer bong, and my friend Nick poured in
and entire fifth of Absolut Vodka. And then Nick goes,
dude, this is really stupid. Poured in some Sprite. And goes, now you’re good. Now, I don’t know if you know
what happens when you bong a fifth, uh, besides become a legend. I will tell you. You tap dance for four minutes. You tell your girlfriend, who you love more
than life itself, that she has
orangutan titties. You light a cigarette
by the filter. And you pass out
through a glass table. You wake up the next day
to the police, and they know you. They’ve seen you many times. And they’re like,
hey, Dave. And I’m just getting back
consciousness. ‘Cause all my friends
just took off, you know. The party dispersed,
the parents came home, and were like, there’s a dead
kid in my living room. So they walk in
and they’re like, hey, Dave. And I’m like,
hey, hey, fellas. How are you? And they go, Dave,
you’re gonna go to real jail. And you’re a teenager. Like, this is your sixth
arrest, the judge hates you, you’re gonna go
to actual prison. So we’re gonna give you one get-out-of-jail-free card
right now. If you agree to go to a rehab
and change your life, we will drive you there. And we will let you do that. We will call your parents, figure out how you’re gonna pay
for it, but that’s it. Right now, what’s your choice,
jail or rehab? And I was like, uh… He goes, are you seriously
thinking about it? I was like, okay, uh– do they
butt-fuck you in rehab? He goes, no. And I was like,
well, then, let’s do that one. So they handcuff me to
the inside of an ambulance, and they drove me to a rehab. But on the way there,
they found out there were
no beds available. So I had to be detoured
to a mental hospital, which was their
sister hospital, until a bed opened up. So we get to this hospital. I’m getting walked in
by three cops, handcuffed, and they take me
to meet my counselor, and then my counselor
takes me to meet my roommate. I’m like,
roommates and counselors. This is gonna be like camp.
This is incredible. So we walked to this back room.
There’s two beds. And on one bed, this kid’s just
kinda sitting there staring. Counselor goes, Dave,
this is Reese. Reese, Dave.
Get to know each other. You’re gonna be roommates. And Reese goes,
what’re you in for? I go, uh… I bonged a fifth? I think I’m an alcoholic
of some kind. I’m like, what about you?
He goes, who, me? I’m a werewolf. Is he for real? I go, you don’t look
like a werewolf, man. He goes, yeah, I’m not
a werewolf right now. There’s not a full moon. If there was a full moon,
I’d transform into a werewolf. And I attack people. I don’t remember it. Last week, I blacked out, and they told me
I almost killed my dad. Neat. Uh, hey, counselor,
I’m gonna need my own room. This dude thinks
he’s a werewolf. And he goes,
oh, he’s not a werewolf, you’re gonna be fine. Okay, uh, I think he doesn’t
know he’s not a werewolf. I’m kind of all set on that. And he goes, I don’t know
what you’re not getting. He’s not a werewolf, okay? He’s a delusional schizophrenic
with rage issues. Okay, well, that’s good.
But, um– I just bonged a fifth.
I’m not a crazy person. So if I could just get my
own room till I go to rehab– He goes, you got
brought in by cops, handcuffed. You’re probably
more dangerous than him. Everybody gets a roommate. That’s your roommate. And he just walked away. Now, being in a mental hospital
is not that bad. I’m there two days. You get to wear pajamas. You watch a lot of TV. You can’t eat anything
with a knife, ’cause people get shanky. And they take your shoelaces
on account of the hangings. But other than that,
totally normal hospital. And one night I’m going to bed, and all of a sudden,
from the next bunk, I just hear, [distorted moaning] [grunts] [imitates wolf howling] Good night, Reese. This dude stands up,
rips all of his clothes off, walks to the edge of the bed,
and starts barking at me. Just going,
[barks]. And I’m like, help! Werewolf!
There’s a werewolf! Were–this dude lunges at me
butt naked. I grab a lamp
to hit him with it, and it’s fucking glued down. So now this dude’s on top of
me, trying to bite my face off, which didn’t bother me,
’cause dude was naked. So the whole time I could feel
his cock and balls slamming against my thighs, while I yelled,
“Werewolf, werewolf,” over and over again. Two counselors
bust in the door, see him naked on top of me,
and I swear to God, one looks at the other one
and goes, uh, do we let ’em finish? Like, I don’t know
what you wanna do. I’m like, we’re not having sex,
he wants to murder me. Please.
He thinks he’s a wolf, please. They hit him in the ass
with a syringe. It’s filled with something
called “booty juice,” which they–swear to God–they
give it to mental patients when they go violent. And this dude goes limp.
All of him, instantaneously. They pull him off.
I stood up, I’m in tears. I’m like,
I don’t wanna be here! I’m an alcoholic. I’m so scared. You have me rooming
with monsters. I would’ve rather
gone to prison. I don’t want–I’m–
I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna be–oh, my God.
Take me home. Please, no more roommates. Oh, my, there’s a wolf dick
mushroom print on my thigh. No more roommates.
No! So then I go to bed. With the help
of anti-psychotics. And after a kind of a still
tossy-turny night sleep, I wake up.
Next day. And they bring in
my new roommate. They’re like,
hey, Dave, this is Keith. Keith, Dave,
get to know each other. You’re gonna be roommates– [screaming]
Yeah, hi, Keith. Whoa, dude,
what’s your problem? What’s my problem? Last night, I got attacked by a goddamned werewolf. And then Keith looks at
the counselor and goes, hey, man,
I’m gonna need my own room. And that’s how
they make crazy people. [cheers and applause] And I tell you that story
to tell you this one. I was not a good student,
if you can believe it. I spent five years
in high school, which I’m told is too many. And I always–like, again–
I always wanted attention. I always wanted people
to like me. And I had a class
called Humanities. I don’t know if
you ever had it. I don’t know
what the fuck it is. But I had the class. And one day, I came into class
and the teacher wasn’t there. And there’s a blank chalkboard, so I’m like, well, I should,
you know, draw a dick. So I just drew a dick,
you know. And the teacher comes in,
and she’s like, ugh, fuck, just– The next day I come in,
there’s no teacher, so I’m like,
yeah, I’ll draw a dick. Day number three, I’m like,
is this a miracle? More dick. Now, this goes on
for three months. And I’m not just drawing it
on the chalkboard. I’m hiding it in books. I’m putting it on,
like, the door. Balls on the knob. Like, it’s just ridiculous. And I’m putting it,
like, on her desk. Just drawing dicks.
Dicks, dicks, dicks. And this goes on
for three months. Then one day
she comes into class, and there’s
an overhead projector set up. She walks up, and expecting
a dick–no dick. She breathes a sigh of relief. And then, she turns around
and pulls down the screen. Boom.
Permanent marker dick. Two different colors.
I even had purple for the vein. Here’s a thing, though.
She loses her fucking mind. She goes,
who is doing this? Which one of you
are doing this? Who is doing this? Which one of you
are the penis master? Who is the penis master? Where is the penis master? I wanna meet the penis master. At this point, there’s people
coming out other classrooms, like, “someone’s yelling
penis master.” There’s janitors going by, like,
I’ll be your penis master. I don’t give a– Who is the penis master? She is on her knees crying,
mascara running down her face. I felt so horrible. I finally stood up,
and I’m like, I am the penis master. She goes,
all hail the penis master. I’m like,
this is fucking weird. She goes, come down to
the office with me right now. We go into
the principal’s office. She walks me in.
She goes, tell him. Tell him who you are. I, uh, I’m the penis master. He goes,
that’s great, Dave. So she tells him what happened, and he writes down on
a suspension slip, “Dave is suspended for one week “because he likes drawing
male genitalia all over his classroom.” He hands it to me. He goes, don’t come back until
your parents sign it. And I am suspended. When I come back,
I get suspended again. Because when I handed in
the slip, I did not have
my parents sign it. Instead, I drew a dick. I come back a week later, and I finally go back
to the class, and the teacher’s gone. And I’m like,
whoa, this is weird. Like, What happened? And they’re like, yeah,
Dave, she’s–she went insane. I’m like, wait, what do you
mean she went, like– They’re like, dude, she didn’t
think you acted alone. There were so many dicks.
Like, she thought– She thought there was another
gunner on the grassy knoll. She just started asking kids
if they were the penis master. And they had to let her go
to get psychiatric care. Like, you drove her nuts
with dicks. Which means,
that at some point, in a mental hospital,
in Michigan, in the late ’90s, my teacher could’ve walked up
to a kid, and said, are you the penis master? And he was like,
who, me? Nah. I’m a werewolf. Thank you guys very much.– Dave Landau.

100 Replies to “Dave Landau – Wolf Master – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. Now this was well done. I started off with chuckles then started laughing but by the end i was rolling

  2. From now on when people ask me what it was like in a mental hospital, this is where I'll send them. Booty juice, roommates, and the making of an even crazier person are all true.

  3. Sadly this shit is spot-on. Orderlies couldn't give a jack shit fuck about you once you're in a mental institute and have that little bracelet around your arm.

    I had to stay in a mental hospital for a week because I had a psychotic breakdown and I soon and very quickly realized that my issues didn't mean a goddamn thing compared to these people.
    You reevaluate your problems and your issues when the kid who was on his way to graduating early from high school now has conversations with celebrities who you cannot see or the lawyer who now believes everyone is trying to kill him and can only turn on the air conditioner by pissing on it or you're having a conversation with someone who just runs away randomly because they're about to burst into flames…. you realize that those anger issues with your mom or dad …not so bad anymore

  4. HAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAGAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA

  5. Lots of shit talking from people who have never written a joke. Comics don’t talk shit. We know. Dave is a monster. Also one of the only comedians other comics never have a bad word to say about. On or off stage. Appreciate greatness.

  6. Yeah, loved sitting on the bed in my room, staring at all the knife marks in the wall. Crazy people and not crazy people really shouldn't be put in the same room. Funny thing is, I used Jesus and talked my way out of there. Christisns are about as weird as those crazies that were in there.

  7. Damnit, that was really well done. Excellent ending too, I didn’t see it connecting! Way to bring the stories around.

  8. I am Pretty Sure, if the Werewolf guy jumped on her like he did you, She knows he is the penis master….. And Also a Werewolf….

  9. Double story in one episode,,sweet
    Like Brendan's episode, sirisley 30 stories in one episode,,Nice..love it..+ #BringBackAri 🍻GangGang🐁

  10. My favorite "this is not happening" yet. The bootyjuice comment showed that he actually went… Cuz patients are the only ones who call it that

  11. I had a similar experience in school. Weak willed teachers were such a great target for emotionally broken students

  12. Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8

  13. Watched on the train, in the quiet car, laughed so hard, crying, nose running, tried to stay quiet…sweet jesus, he is hilarious

  14. So, a dorky white guy in his 40's who thinks he can recapture his youth via a supercuts mohawk tells a made up story, and it's comedy?

    I guess I see the comedy, the guy is a pathetic loser telling childish stories he made up to sound edgy, and people are laughing at him.

  15. I physically shuddered when he said “poured in a fifth of Absolut vodka.” I’ve been sober for over a year and I could still taste it.

  16. The most absolutely without a doubt the most hilarious bit I've heard so far. I cried laughing from the start to finish. I now have abs in my fucking cheeks… oh my fucking god!!! Thank you. Thank you so very much for the laughs!

  17. Won tickets to see this dude at Goodnights in Raleigh NC, never heard of him until I won the tickets, and if his stand up is like this its gonna be funny

  18. All of the other stories on here seem like they're real and totally plausible, but your teacher "went insane" because you drew penises? Sounds like something a 13 year old would come up with.

  19. I was in a mental hospital for 15 days. You get knives when you eat. And they don't take your shoelaces. I guess because they absolutely couldn't take your weight if you tried to hang yourself with them. They also don't introduce you to your roommate. You get your own room the first night, then you get a room number from then on. They just don't introduce you to anyone except your doctor. I had a guy who talked about ghosts non-stop and a woman who didn't talk and just stared at you in such a way that your soul freezes. The other 20-odd people that were there, were just as normal as you or me, they're just having a really crap time and their life is going so badly they want to die and have tried to make that happen.

    There's so much stigma attached to mental hospitals but the reality is, unless you KNOW they're suicidal, you'd never guess the patients are actually sectioned and can't leave. It's mostly just really, really sad people who can't see a way forward. Not people who think they're werewolves. The extreme patients get transferred to the secure wing immediately because believe it or not, doctors can spot a genuinely disturbed individual; and an alcoholic would 100% NEVER be in with the really disturbed patients. Not ever. So this guy is either lying about why he was sectioned, or he's lying about the whole thing.

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