DeRay Davis – Don’t Call Mom – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– I’m like, “I don’t want to go
sell these rocks,” but I knew a crackhead lady, and she was like, “Uh, I’ll do
whatever you want me to do for it,” and I ain’t want her
to do nothing for me. I ain’t even have no hair. I was like, “You can’t do
nothing for me yet.”[dark electronic music]– Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” I’m Roy Wood Jr. We all come from somewhere,
from someone, who nurtures us, protects us, and teaches us. – Ah! [silverware clattering] – Some are better at it
than others.♪ ♪[girl giggling]♪ ♪– Ow![cheers and applause] He is one of the most
hilarious and genuine brothers in this game. I’m happy to be his friend. He is DeRay Davis. [cheers and applause]♪ ♪– Got a lot of brothers
and sisters. About–a lot of us. My dad just–his dick just
didn’t stop. But we all live close
to each other. You know, different moms, dads. We called them
“different dads,” my mom, my sisters, moms,
my mom type shit. So we were sharing things,
shoes and everything. Everybody shared shit. If you live in a hand-me-down
place, but–except it wasn’t even
completely done, where, like, you shared shit
that you needed that day. So I was–
[laughs] so I had a track meet, right, and I was like, “Yo,”
I was running track, and my mom used to always make
excuses why I didn’t have shoes. She’d be like, “You run faster
in your socks.” Which was true; I was, like,
aerodynamic. I was faster in my socks, but
you gotta have on shoes, because you might get stomped
with some cleats, and we ain’t had no insurance
type shit, right? So I was like, yo, so one day I
ran with my track shoes I did real good, but my shoes
was all fucked up, because it’s my
brother’s shoes, and they was real fucked up. So this girl came up, she was
like, “You did so– you’re so good, killed it.” And I was like–I’m, like, 11
years old, like, “Yeah, I was fast.” And then this kid is like
probably 13, 14 walked up, “He ain’t even race
nobody!” And I was like, “It was people
running.” He go, “He ain’t even race
nobody with them wack-ass shoes.” And I was like, “Damn, I
just motherfuckin’ won. These some winter shoes, right? So, like, yo, I’m determined to
get my own shoes. I said, I need to get my own
shoes. I went to my mom; I was like,
“Mom, I need to have– Ma, Ma, can I have–
Ma”– ‘Cause that’s how you ask
in a black house. You never get it out.
‘Cause your mama cut you off. “You want some shoes?
Go get some goddamn shoes!” And I was like–you mumble it.
“I will.” But you don’t know how
you’re gonna get ’em. So I said, “Okay,
I’ma get some shoes.” So my boy said, “How are we
gonna get shoes?” ‘Cause I ain’t have no job
to make money. I used to babysit my little
nieces and them, my–you know, that’s ghetto– my nieces was like close to the
same age as me. But one of my uncles,
I babysit for him, he wouldn’t never pay me
in money; he always paid me in crack.
Real simple. I’m not making it up;
he wanted me to hustle. See, “But I’ma give you
three rocks. Go sell these three rocks.”
I’m like, “Three rocks?” He’s like, “That’s $30,
my boy.” Like, “Oh, you might be able
to get 20 for ’em if we sell ’em.” I’m like, “I don’t want to go
sell these rocks,” but I knew a crackhead lady, and she was like, “Uh, I’ll do
whatever you want me to do for it,” and I ain’t want her
to do nothing for me. I ain’t even have no hair. I was like, “You can’t do
nothing for me yet. It hasn’t reached its full
potential.” So my boy said,
“Well, what we could do”– Her name was Esse.
He said, “What we could do is, “we could get Esse;
Esse could take us to Kmart. We can just give her a rock,”
he said, “‘Cause my cousin is working
security, and he said we could steal
whatever we want to steal.” And I said, “Man, I don’t want
to get caught stealing.” I was like, “Just wait your
mama go to sleep. “You know, she got to work
early any way. Wait your mama go to sleep ’cause we was gonna go steal
some stuff.” And I said, oh, man, I don’t
know. So it’s myself, my boy Rock,
and Danny. So we said, “All right,
we gonna go steal.” I said, “Let’s just take
the bus.” Like, “You got some bus money?” I was like, “We ain’t got no
bus money. Well, Esse got to take us.”
I said, “Fine.” So we paid her a rock.
She like, “I want all of them at once.” I was like, “No, we gotta wait” ’cause a crackhead will
pull off. So we go into Kmart. And I was like,
“Where the shoe section?” We tried to act like we was
supposed to be in there. We was like, “Where
the shoe section at? [laughs]
We here for some shoes.” So–so Danny cousin was like,
“Yo, for real, “you can–you can go on
get you some shit, but just get some
fuckin’ shoes.” What he didn’t tell us,
that we–I get my shoes, I put ’em on. The fuckin thing in
the middle, so I’m trying to walk out
with the little security thing in the middle of it, right, but I got a nice little
cool walk. It look like they not even
attached. He’s like, “No,” he says– so then he was like, “No, steal
whatever you want.” So my boy Rock like, “Man, we
really need some shit.” So he’s saying big shit like,
“We can leave with a microwave out the back.” I’m like, “Man, we can’t no
microwave. Like, let’s just get our shoes
and get outta here. I feel real fast already.
Right? So as we leaving,
as we’re leaving, security walks up.
He says, “One of y’all stole a Snicker.” Swear to God. I’m standing
still with the shoes on. He like, “One of y’all stole
a Snicker.” So he’s like, “No, we didn’t.
No, we didn’t.” Rock like, “No, we didn’t!
We didn’t steal no fuckin’ Snickers!”
He’s cursing. Fuck, 12 years old, cursing. Give a fuck! He starts saying stuff.
“I kill everybody!” We like, “You can’t kill
nobody.” So he take us to the back.
Now I’m nervous. I’m like, if they wake up my
mom, it’s like, you got two choices: You going to jail or your
parents gotta come get you. So Danny like, “I’ma say Esse
my mama.” I’m like, “You can’t get the
rock outside in time to make her come in.” So I’m like, “We stuck in
there.” He’s like, “No, my mama
gonna come get me, but she gonna mess–
she gonna”– So he calls,
he calls his mom. His mom comes and get him. He’s getting fucked up
in there. When I tell you,
she was beating him– I was like–beating him to
the point where I was like “Don’t call my mama.” So I said, “I’m not gonna call
my mama.” So I said, “I’m gonna call
my dad,” but I hadn’t talked to my dad
in forever. I mean, I had to call
my dad’s sister to get my dad’s new girlfriend
number to get my dad’s number. So finally Tony answers,
which he wanted me to call him, ’cause he didn’t me to call him
“dad” in front of his new
girlfriends. So he was like–
[laughs] That messed up his “game.”
All right. So Tony answered,
and Tony was like, “What? What’s wrong?”
I said, “Come get me.” I was like, “It’s Boots.”
That’s my nigga. I said, “Boots. Come get me.”
He’s like, “Where you at?” I was like, “They said we’re
stealing in the Kmart, but, Dad, I ain’t steal
nothing.” I was like, “I wasn’t
stealing nothing.” He’s like, “I don’t care.” He said, “Why you ain’t
tell your mama?” And I said, “Okay, I’ma tell
her to come get me, but I’ma give her
your new number.” He was like, “I’m on my way,” ’cause they ain’t want
her know that number. So I said–I’m sitting there,
right? So it’s just me– this is when it’s just me
and Rock sitting there. My dad came in in the worst
fucking robe ever. His robe is all raggedy. He got his curl all dried out. And he going all, “What you
doing stealing anyway? I work for the city.”
But I don’t know that, ’cause you don’t pay
child support, so I don’t know you work
for the city. I don’t know where you work. He’s saying stuff I don’t even
know. “I work for the city,
I work these hours.” I’m like, “I ain’t know
none of this till right now.” So I’m sitting there
looking at him, and my dad–my dad goes,
“Let’s get out of here.” And he walks over to Rock
and says, “Come on.”
I said, “Nigga, I’m your son.”
He tried– [laughs] And Rock tried to get up. I was like, “No, you wait on
your daddy you don’t know,” right? But I ended up leaving. The cool part is,
I had the shoes. So I walked outta there. And I cut the wire.
That’s all right. There you go. All right.
And that’s the story. Thank y’all for listening. [cheers and applause] – DeRay Davis, everybody.

100 Replies to “DeRay Davis – Don’t Call Mom – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. He should write a book, screwed up childhood, bad parents, poverty, excelled at sports, teen parent then worked his WAY UP to comedy, movies, polygamy, I NEED to know how he kept his JOY and Sanity.

  2. He gotta remember to work the stage though. There are people behind you!!!
    I would hate to look at the back of his head the entire time.

  3. โ€œWhy you stealing anyway, I work for the CITYโ€
    โ€œWell I donโ€™t know that because you donโ€™t pay child supportโ€๐Ÿ’€

  4. what is he saying don't call his mama crackhead cuz his mama was a crackhead and he was a crack baby DeRay what's a crack baby

  5. Pretty sure the store knew about the โ€œsneakers,โ€ but that the accusation came across as โ€œsnickers.โ€

  6. Come on De Ray i thought you said Rock mom was already there whooping his ass. How ya dad try to take Rock?? Lmao fumny as hell though.

  7. As a black person from London, that grew up on a council estate/rough area… And I say this with no hate. Damn American black people are fucked up. I've got no words… I swear you've grown up in the most fucked up situation imaginable. I don't mean vs famine or starvation or anything, I mean psychologically.

  8. He ainโ€™t lying. Being raised in Chicago, when you hear gunshots, we donโ€™t duck, we run. We call out โ€œbreak outโ€

    โ€œSoon as we heard shots, we broke outโ€

  9. God bless you man, I sincerely hope your career is excellent!
    Loved you in "the cleaner" Freakin'Hilarious!
    Shoot me in my ass!

  10. S T O P. R A P E I N G. B A B I E S
    See I get that // but …my stand point on the subject is probably different than most people's should be // // it's the rules ,// yeah you should have yo own shoes //

  11. why have a punchline right in the beginning. It ruins the setup and pacing of the rest of story. I always skip 30 seconds…

  12. DerRay sounds like my brother from another mother; if he ever catches up with me then he's got something to eat, something to drink and somewhere to stay. He sounds like my peeps. Done.

  13. Its really sad that black kids grow up so dysfunctional. Giving the poor free things and single mothers free things simply makes the problem worse.

  14. Nigga you waitin on the daddy u don't know ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  15. Think your family is messed up? Think again. Watch comedians share their most ridiculous family stories on โ€œThis Is Not Happening:โ€ https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pgIBSOJV-fL4uIWR-DZbfI

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