EMO PHILIPS – Comedian and Mammal (1990) | SUB ITA


oh thank you oh it’s great to be in doors what a beautiful theater here at the Playhouse in London I tell you they they don’t make theater is like this anymore because of the child labor laws oh I can’t get over how proper everyone here is in England I was at the customs at the Heathrow Airport and the guy says what’s that toilet paper doing on your cheek I said well I cut myself shaving on the plane and I you know what a little toilet paper on him he says well most people use a fresh piece When in Rome you know I’ll play along I was in Trafalgar Square today ripping out nose hairs who go sleeping winos hate that but I need the incentive to job you know we’re just an eg here either this cop says look young man if you want to go jogging do it in a park not a graveyard so I’m thinking obviously he’s not our hurdle man you know I ran three miles the other day finally I said lady keep your purse you know no I guess not easy I tried doing that Ironman Triathlon you know that’s where you swim for six miles right then you you bicycle for a hundred and twelve then you run for 26.2 you know so I’m doing the swimming part first and after five minutes this is stupid you know I’m getting the bike all rusty nobody’s sister hates this women on my uncle’s boat off the coast of Florida I said to her you got it on the water it’s wonderful she said I told you I’m having my period she takes all the fun out of shark fishing just Allura you know I wouldn’t want a murder I love to fish once I caught a 30-pound the sea bass I was dying to about it you know but people were around oh my brother says hello so hooray for speech therapy no you know the other third day I was walking down this street for some gum and I was finding quite a bit you know is there some celebrity in England that looks like me the people were shouting at me is there someone named wanker I think it’s a chat show host I’m not sure boy I don’t think I’m on that famous although I’ve been doing a lot of stuff since I got here I posed naked for a magazine well the guy gave me some candy as well minam Oh guess what I am never gonna argue sports with anyone in England again I was at a pub the other night nursing a beer my nipple was quite soggy and the guy next to me said I think Ireland has the best team in football I said you’re nuts and he punches me so that’s the last time I’ll warn someone that his balls are on fire it was drunk now my nephew had a birthday and I said what do you want for your birthday and he said I want a Batmobile well unbeknownst to me one of them was still alive when I hung it over his bed I should have known better because I went to see Batman last summer you know and I turned around to tell the people behind me to shut up and it’s Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton then I realized that I’ve been sitting backwards do you like crying babies at the movies I like to sit behind them you figure they’re gonna cry anyway right so yeah you flick him in the head no now my sister just had a baby and she loves the little critter we can have company over and she’ll be in front of everyone with her breasts though feeding him cereal or what happened the other day I was pushing the baby through the park and he’s crying cuz I forgot the pram oh yes I need dress for the ladies great lover I bet oh yes I’ve tried my hand at sex I’ve been having problems with my girlfriend I know it she’s mad at me because I told her she look sexy with black fingernails and now she thinks I purposely slammed the car door on plus I think she might also be upset because I accidentally threw up on her grandmother I was leaning over to kiss her grandma goodbye and I got a whiff of her stale perfume and I accidentally threw up all over her luckily I was one of the last mourners and money could have been a lot worse against me people come up to me concerned I’ll recruit I think I’m a good with kids for instance my nephew was scared of the dark and I boys thought the best way that you chick kid not to be scared of the dark is to Phyllis Daniel 8 hours with as much horror as your friends were the darkness that comes he’s our bread I’m at a picnic with the mission of Kali ma there’s a bug in my eye do something you moron so I get the insecticide changes his mind you know I think kids are a lot of fun and I like animals as well I have a love for animals that’s almost illegal I the monkey when I was a kid cute little monkey used to do a cute little dance on his hind legs every time I would hold the leash up high enough you know it’s nice to be here in England because the economy is going very well we know it’s I’m glad for you I’m from America and the economy’s having problems we have a 200 billion dollar a year budget deficit and my advice to President Bush don’t worry about it what’s gonna happen is Japan gonna come over and say you know Sam we want the money we’ll say we don’t have don’t say you don’t have it what did you spend the 200 million on and we’ll say well these nuclear warheads don’t say well we don’t need it right away our country is making nuclear weapons like there is no my problem is I have to learn to discipline myself I was having this large Dutch woman do it sorry I did it now looks like Karen Carpenter is the Elephant Man this reminds me of the time I was on my aunt’s farm and she said he will milk the cows and I never done this before will I come back after an hour I said the big one with the horns almost killed me so that’s the wool now I don’t feel bad that I only got half a cup number one days you got me in bed with the chicken there was a gun my face I was in bed the other night and I heard my parents in the next room arguing about me you know parents will argue saying stuff like oh I told to eat live Eric kitters of Forks my mom said when I was born you’re away the mold Oh some of it grew back in nobody remember one day I’ll never forget I was about four years old then I was planning one day and I saw this cellar door open just a crack now my folks had always warned me more whatever you do don’t go near the cellar door but I didn’t see what was on the other side if it killed me and I went to the cellar door and I pushed it and walked through and I saw strange wonderful things things I had never seen before like trees rats the Sun that was nice yeah my folks are very productive out mad couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited in placing bets one night my dad was talking me into bed with the staple gun I said dad he told me a story he city boy I need my sleep I have to look for work in the morning that’s it come on tell me a longer one now when I was a little boy I hated school cuz you know a lot of stuff in school let’s face it you don’t appreciate till you get to be older you know little things like being spanked everyday by a middle-aged woman you know stuff you paid good money for later in life once our teacher said evil once 519 and four fifties when my brain started to bleed she said take it easy what’s our common denominator I said a fondness for little girls oh she was by and large but anyways she set me to the principal which is like your headmaster and I’m walking down the hall I thought oh this is horrible my friend Jimmy went to the principal last week and he’s still not able to sit down so I’m praying oh please don’t let him find me attractive I sit down he says emo emo emo I said I’m the one in the middle your drunkenness is that I can expel you I said you’ll have to catch and eat me first chasing me all over these it emo you to go to the school psychologist back said why do I have to go to the school psychologist so he shows me the petition I go to this psychologist he says what does this ink blot look like to you I say that’s kind of embarrassing he said everyone sees nothing silly just tell me what the ink blot looks like a few I said well to me it looks like standard pattern number three and the Rorschach series the test for obsessive compulsiveness you know but just me and he gets depressed that’s it okay it’s a butterfly then you know he says what is this st. cloud look like I said it looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation you said no think BOTS over there that’s a photo of my wife you’re looking I said oh was i far off he said No and he goes me a chocolate Easter Bunny and I eat the chocolate bunny and I think wait a second was this a test – he says yeah I said what does it mean he said well had you eaten the era’s first you’d be ambitious had to eatin the feet first you Devin inferiority complex had to even the tail off first you’d have late to the homosexual tendencies and had weaving the breasts first you’d have a latent oedipal complex hospital go on what does it mean when you fight out the eyes and scream stop staring at me he says it shows you a tendency towards self-destruction acid what do you recommend he says go for that Friday afternoon I’m walking home from school and I’m watching some men building a new house and the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo in Morse code as soon as the mail out for the day I saw there just poured wet cement for the basement floor so I I I jumped into the wet cement and then I slipped and I fell backwards and I hit the back of my head on a pump coming out of the floor when I came to early the next morning the pipe held my head about the surface while the rest of my body below the neck was completely covered by the now hardened cement I thought well this is bad I know I’m not going to fit into the new family’s decorating scheme unless of course they’ve chosen a last day of Pompeii motif so I’m lying there hour after hour after hour and then my friend Jimmy Peters and comes to the window he said anymore you stuck in that semantics I said no last night I didn’t finish my broccoli and my mom chopped my head off and tossed it here and he screams and runs away so the next morning I’m still lying there reflecting on how there’s a time and a place for sarcasm and it starts to rain and after several hours the basement begins flooding with water I’m yelling help help which I wish I would have thought of the day before and after a while the water starts seeping into my nostrils and just as the water starts seeping into my nostrils my dad jumps into the basement showing he was a complete stranger to our committees principle of liquid displacement so I’m trying desperately at this point to evolve a blowhole but my dad takes out a flashlight a torch you know and he puts the cylinder part into my mouth so I could breathe through it like a snorkel so now I’m choking on the batteries but my dad takes out a chisel and before you could translate the book of macabees from Hebrew to Lithuanian he frees me from the cement he said well li mo I had you already no time at all geologically perhaps you know and I guess the circumcision was an extra bonus they said no no no pain no gain I saw no rhymes no moronic generalizations and he grabs me by the throat there’s no air intake no smart comments buster I said no free hands no protection to the groin I don’t know if I was put on this earth for a purpose or not but I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it forward one night hours in bed and you know a howl you’re in bed at night all alone in the house and your house starts making noises you don’t hear her during the daytime weird noises scary noises like emo I’m gonna kill you I remember that song whenever I feel afraid I was so happy too and I felt a hand on my neck and a voice of thanks I thought I would never find you in the dark the light goes on and there’s this guy standing over me with the gun he says take advantage of my little sister will you I said sure where is she you know and he shows me this picture of a girl I said I don’t know her he said yes you do I said no I don’t he says yes you do when he gets nervous and his hands start shaking and the pictures start shaking I said oh now I remember I said look I’ll tell you a riddle and if you answer it you could kill me but if you don’t answer it you have to let me go he said what’s the riddle I said what is it that has four legs in the morning two legs in the afternoon and three legs at night he said the answer is mad or in the morning of his life crawls on four legs cause he’s a baby and the afternoon of his life he walks upright on two legs cause he’s an adult and leave him his life he’s an old man and his cane makes the third leg I said wrong it’s a donkey who’s four legs in the morning and in the afternoon you chop two of them off and the evening a glue one back on again goal Tom got out of that one all right I recently had the intense pleasure of seeing a wonderful opera called Einstein on the beach by Philip Glass and Robert Wilson the problem is Einstein never actually gets to the beach maybe that’s the point but I love the beach I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks they always have a sign at the beach no glass bottles I think that’s all the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers be that as it may I have written a modern dance piece called Einstein act the beach and with the kind permission of Philip Glass I would like to do it for you right now well you people have really stayed dry my clothing this reminds me of some things I I was at the doctor’s office and the guy across from me in the waiting room said watch you’re a problem I said I have the biggest hammer re you’ve ever seen he said is that wire is sitting on that beanbag chair I said look again you know it’s over you know I was at a computer shop and this little computer beats me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing I want to thank you all very very much for coming here and I just want to say in conclusion that if there’s any young ladies out there who want some emo action well I don’t want to blow my own horn that’s why I’m making this invitation I am quite fond d1 with the ladies oh yes I was with this girl the other night and I don’t wanna brag but from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you were this award that she was conscious from the tip of her head to the tag on her toes I guess wish I had this outlaw charisma back in college you know college are never satisfied with your appearance if you have blemishes or you need braces on your teeth I myself used to have a vestigial tail a 15 inch bone sticking out of my spinal column every night I’d prayed to God to please remove the best digial tail either that or turn my head around 180 degrees we never did you’re probably surprised that I pray oh I’m a very religious person well if by religious you mean that I go to church every Sunday I’m not religious in that strict sense what if by religious you mean that I love others I try to help them whenever I can again no I was raised Baptist once my grandpa said or do you believe in the Lord I said yes he said then stand up and shout hallelujah wouldn’t you know I fell out of the roller-coaster when I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle then I realized the Lord doesn’t work that way I just stole one and asked him to forgive me and let that be a lesson to you and let me just reiterate that this has been a dream come true for me to be here in London if someone would have told me 13 years ago that I’d be here on the West End I just would have stared at him because I was on medication at that time do you believe in dreams try this one out for size I’m on a tube train and it goes into a long dark tunnel and it stops panic-stricken I leave the train start writing down this corridor which turns out to be a sewer and I’m over my head in filthy stinking liquid and I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I got married there is my mother she said have some coleslaw emo and I passed out from exhaustion and here’s where I had the dream and the dream running through the park can I have a very bad asthmatic attack these three asthmatics jumped me I know I should have heard I’m hiding a lesson

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