Friends | stand-up comedy by Kjeld Sreshth

People have called me such weird names my entire life. People have called me ‘kjelled’ ‘jeldy’ ‘kettle’ my best friends call me ‘cunt’. No, they’re assholes! they spell cunt ‘K, J, U, N, T’ with a silent ‘j’! Dude, I hate my best friends! I spent new year’s eve with my best friends. you know, new year’s eve right? “Happy new year bro! Cheers!” and then, by around 1 O’clock I went to the balcony, we live on the 4th flour and it’s new year’s eve, so there are a lot of drunk people on the road and this one drunk guy was crossing my house in a bike. He was just screaming, he was like “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah” I immediately heard my best friend in the background shout “Macha! I think Kjeld jumped” My best friends thought I committed suicide on new year’s eve! They confused that dude going “aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaahhh” with me going “AAAaaaaaaaahhh” There is a clear difference in those two sound effects! The second one is way shorter. worst part is, no one came to check! I’m just standing there for 5 minutes, inside they’re cheering, they’re like “Wow! what a resolution bro! Wow! He’s in a better place now.” My friends are assholes man. All of them, all of them. The other day, I was just watching some animated show on netflix on my laptop. and this one guy just comes into my room, watches me watching the show and then comes to me, as if he’s telling a secret, and he’s like “Bro! Whenever you’re using the internet, you should use this app called obot man! It keeps your IP address hidden! They won’t find you! No one will ever find you! I was like “Motherfucker, I’m trying to become famous!” I have enough trouble as it is with my name. One dude got up and left! Do you know how hard (it is already)? It’s just that my friends are really cool at pretending to be cool. No matter what boring shit they do, they will always make it sound awesome by using these cool catchphrases that don’t make much sense like “Hey bro! you should have been at this party last night. Chill scenes!” they always have this other cool guy to back them up “hey bro, tell him bro! Tell him!” This dude pops out of nowhere he’s like “Bro! that party! Next level bro!” I’m like “I didn’t know there were multiple levels to partying! What do you mean by chill scenes? Who’s directing your movie? Why am i a part of it?” Then the guy comes up with his own cool catchphrase He’s like, “No man!” My friends, They’re very creative, They’re like, “No dude. The songs that were playing at that party They were Chill balls man!” I look at him and I’m like “Dude, What the fuck does that even mean?” The guy looks at me, the fuckin retard explains “You know bro? that good feeling bro? When your balls are like chill bro?” I was like, “Wow! this guy has such an intimate relationship with his balls I did not expect that. No matter what they do, they think they’re cool My friend Alois came to class one day, when i was in school, with red hair and a tattoo! It didn’t even suit him. I was like “What a fuckin retard!” but nobody said anything man. They just accepted him, they were like “Woah bro! you’re with us. You’re cool!” I was pissed. I went home and I told my mom “Mom, Alois got red hair and a tattoo, so I want red hair and a tattoo!” My mom was like, “Don’t listen to Alois, he’s a fuckin retard!” I felt so good because I didn’t even want red hair and a tattoo I just wanted someone to call Alois a fuckin retard! I’m so grateful I have a supportive mother. I just hate my friends man. They say shit to me that hurts me emotionally on purpose. All the time. My best friends, they come to me and they’re like “Kjeld, you have a small dick man! you have a small dick!” They’ve never seen it. But they still sound so convinced when they say it, that now, I have doubts. But I don’t want to compare, Even if I go on the internet and I’m like “What is the average size of a penis?” Everybody’s just boasting! One guy’s like “10 inches!” I’m like, “Who gave internet connection to a fuckin horse?” How is Bojack here even typing on the keyboard? Dude, if i ever see a horse moving a mouse right-clicking, left clicking it would blow my mind! But dude, men, we’re very emotional about this. I don’t want to bullshit and all, I was very scared! Always, always! Like two weeks ago, I went on a date with this girl. We had a good time, night was going well, towards the end of the night, you know, I went to her place, we both got naked, She was like, “Hey, you’re actually pretty big!” I had tears in my eyes! Dude, I felt so emotionally satisfied, I didn’t even want to have sex anymore. I’m like “I’m done! you also!” It’s a tough life man. I’m glad so many of you guys empathise. Ok, so this is the only educational bit I have, because, guys, I’m very paranoid, I was always paranoid. Because of my friends, alright. But then I found this one article. So apparently, research has shown, I don’t know who is doing this research. I don’t know who is subscribing to be researched. but apparently, if your penis has a slight 10 to 15 degree curve It’s probably above average in size! I don’t even care if you guys don’t laugh, that article changed my life! Dude, I was so excited it was the first time in years i was using a protractor and shit. I was like, “Is this 10 degrees? Is this 15?” How do I tell? Who wants a protractor? who? It will change your life! This is me doing public service. you want? alright! Also, that’s not the one I used, I can prove it! I have another one. Do you also? I’ll help the brothers out. come on, man! I will sleep at home, better tonight. I helped people! I helped!

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