Growing up | stand-up comedy by Kjeld Sreshth


Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is the worst movie ever made Have you guys seen that movie? Shah Rukh Khan gets off a fuckin helicopter miles away and his mother is like “oh! my son is here!” That’s unrealistic expectations on family! dude! my mother once slapped me just because i was standing right in front her She was like, “Get the fuck out of the way! the water is boiling! I have to…” Dude! my mother dropped me as a baby it’s true! women have been letting me down since i was 6 months old! literally! (as in) not metaphorically Apparently she was crossing the road and i slipped out. traffic stopped and everyone was like, “what kind of a mother are you?” My mom didn’t give a shit! She just picked me up and continued crossing the road. And I only know this because my father told me. They were having an argument. My mom was like, “women are better parents than men!” I was like, “Yeah! maybe… yeah.” My dad immediately looks at me and goes, “That’s because you don’t know you’re mother dropped you as a baby!” I looked to my mom, I thought she would defend herself. She was like, “No… it’s true! It’s… err… sweaty palms!” Worst part is, my father isn’t really a better parent either. My dads idea of teaching me life is he would take me on all these long bike journeys where we’d talk about life and philosophy and whenever we”d want to take a pee We’d just stop by the side of the road and my dad would come up to me and go, “We are now going to baptize these plants!” I’m serious. My father was so serious about it he even taught me the words in Latin. Can you imagine father and son, on the side of the road, going, “In nomine Patris et Filii et spiritus Sancti, Amen!”? And then we’d point at the plant and go, “You shall be Jacob!” I have so many bastards growing all across south India. I feel very irresponsible. but it’s just that once in a while when I’m driving by, i see him and I go, “Oh! Jacob is a flower! I thought he was a tree but he’s a flower. I support that!” I’m very progressive. My mom was more ingenuitive with her ways of teaching me life. My entire childhood, She had me believing that she had a secret TV somewhere in the house where Jesus would show her what i was up to. Can you imagine how scared i was, my entire childhood? I was so traumatized the first time I masturbated I didn’t even know how it happened it just happened! I just ran to the bathroom and I stripped, I knelt down. I didn’t even know why i was doing this. It just felt like something I had to do. I was like, “God Please! I will do anything you want Just don’t show mom what I just did. Please. Please!” Because there was a picture of Jesus right opposite my bed. I know right! Thank you! More people understanding my pain! dude… because, you can’t… you can’t! But i wasn’t a very dumb kid I strategically would position myself away from Jesus. So that he couldn’t see what i was up to For the longest time! But then this one time, I accidentally looked back and as expected , he was watching. Our eyes met. Dude, i was so awkward. I was so scared. I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done while wanking off I smiled! dude, it’s very scary! I’m actually really glad I can do this joke because any other religion, I can’t. it’s too scary! even Christians, It’s not like the religion is better It’s just that, it’s one of the most core concepts of the prayers. It’s “Forgive my sins, as I forgive those who sin against me!” now, if you guys can’t forgive a joke, you guys are getting fucked! I’m talking to the Christians here everybody else is already like, “Yeah! Yeah! Fuck these Christians!” Dude! For me, honestly, religion is… I don’t know if I’m wrong, but for me religion is a bit like toothpaste. My entire childhood i was told, “Colgate is dentist ka no.1 brand! Colgate is dentist ka no.1 brand! So when i grew up, i was like “Oh! Colgate is the best! But then i grew up, and I see some people are using Pepsodent and their teeth are fine too! I’m like “What the fuck? I was lied to!” Dude! I see some people… They’re using even more… (weirder toothpastes) like “Dabur Red” with tulsi… They’re probably Buddhists because they’re kinky like that! Dude, there are some people who don’t even brush their teeth. Even their teeth are fine! Sure, their mouths stink a lot because they’re always like, “There is no God! There is no God! and I’m like, “Oh Get the fuck out of my face! no cares!”

92 Replies to “Growing up | stand-up comedy by Kjeld Sreshth”

  1. it's just wow how he explained concept of religion with the example of toothpaste… older generation won't understand this but i hope younger generation like us know about this. great kjeld!

  2. Man this is amazing the toothpaste part was just mind blowing it opened up a new door way for me the explain to everyone and anyone that religion has nothing to do with the way of life or the standard of it, It's the basic mindset and attitude one has for it.

  3. #3:18 just see his shadow 😂😂😂
    It seems like he is giving blow***b to invisible man😂😂😂 maybe imran hasmi frm mr X😂😂😂

  4. Footnote:
    As
    * eyewitness to his mom's dropping him as a baby
    * and perpetrator/instigator of the baptisms of plants

    i can vouchsafe the strictest veracity of the episodes described here

  5. You made me hit the subscribe button with that last line!
    'Some people might have bad teeth but toothpaste had nothing to do with it' ☺️

  6. i am so thankful (to myself) that i subscribed this channel when i first saw Kjeld's upload few months back! he has brilliant writing and fresh take on things!

    ahh and also.. i think too much toothpaste (as in obsessed) actually only makes the teeth develop issues, both on the enamel (outside) as also interior nerve endings.
    and yes, it is rather lame to just blindly shut oneself out except for one brand.
    you see, at the end of the day.. all toothpastes would've the same basic elements. baking powder or soda plus glycerine.
    yes, diff. 'brands' keep mixing and matching stuff all the time.. but for 'teeth' to evolve and reach eternal bliss and being healthy.. there is more to it then just the 'toothpaste'!

  7. Duuuuudeee….that was amazing …you are growing so damn well with the content and the humor….I am a fan from the first video….best of luck…

  8. You’re a legend! The fact that you managed to make people laugh on a topic as sensitive as religion makes you a great person already! I wish more people would be tolerant enough to understand and appreciate this intelligent piece of art!
    #RespectFromAPakistaniFan

  9. That moment when you brush twice daily but still have bad teeth….I think the metaphor was completely lost on me

  10. Great content man…the Colgate and pepsodent joke is out of the world bro…I died laughing 😂😂😂 it's great listening to you after more than a year…last I heard you was live in bangalore…

  11. Religion is not something to be made fun of. And no, I am not old. I am of your age and I don't appreciate it.

  12. Is it just me or some lady really said explain, after he said my mother dropped me as a child.
    And I was thinking at shows you go to enjoy performance, never knew they explain it also, next time will surely take a notepad.

  13. I can't comprehend the fact that you are still not viral buddy…. You deserve a whole lot more… I'll do my bit by sharing your videos as much as possible ✌️👍

  14. Never heard a better analogy than religion and toothpaste…!!! You have an amazing style Kjeld… Keep spreading happiness… !! 🙂

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