– I walk into the studio, and
I see that Daily Show globe. It’s so blue, I can’t
tell you how blue it is. And now I’m like sweating through my suit. The Prince’s like, “Hey,
man, just sit down with me. “We’ll run it a few times.” And I sit down, and I get to the desk, and sitting presidents
have sat on that desk. I sit down, and we’re
running it the first time, and I’m nervous. He goes, “Hey man, “just slow down, all right?” We run it a second time. Now I’m stuttering. And he goes, “Hey man, relax. “You’re funny.”
(audience laughs) Which is a telltale sign
of someone being like, “Hey man,you’re not funny. (audience laughs) “You probably shouldn’t relax.” And now, I could feel it, I’m choking. We’ve all been there. Everyone’s gonna be like,
“Hey man, how’d it go?” And you’re gonna be like, “Prayer hands, “positive thoughts, IA.” No, it’s not happening. You’re not. You are choking. MPAT, DAT, you’re going to the Caribbean. It’s a wrap. You choked.
(audience laughs) Right? Too real? It’s real, we’ve all been there. And I’m like, “Fuck.” I can feel this turtle
head coming out of my butt. I’m really nervous. I’m pooping my pants. I’m like, “No!” We’re about to run it for a third time. Then I hear, (hums) And I know that voice. It’s Jewish Yoda. It’s Jon. But, he’s walking through the tunnel where all the guests come. So he’s just backlit. So, I just see a giant shadow walking towards me.
(audience laughs) And I can hear he’s
accomplishments in each step, just like, “Boom, I am Jon Stewart.” (audience laughs) “Boom, 22 time Emmy Award
winning Jon Steward.” “Boom, I redefine political
satire in comedy.” “What have you done?” I’m like, “I don’t know.
Have you heard of Pizza Hut?” (audience laughs) (audience cheers) Then, he steps into the light, and he’s shorter than I thought. (audience laughs) And, he has all this scruff on his face. And I look at him, and I’m like, “Dad?” Like, he had Jewish Najmi vibes. He shakes my hand, I could feel it. I felt like he had slapped
me in a previous life. I was like, “I know this hand!” We’re sitting there. He starts riffing, I start riffing. He starts swearing, I start riffing. The prompter guy’s like, “I don’t know what the
fuck you guys are doing.” I’m like, “I got this prompter guy.” I had it all memorized in my head: one shot, mom spaghetti, Eight Mile. And I stuck my landing like a
motherfucking Russian gymnast. And I was like, “Thank you sir, “thank you for the opportunity.” And I tuck that turtle
head back in my butt. We’re going home. I walk out the door, but then
I hear a voice behind me. “Hey man, where’re you going?” And it’s Jon. And I was like, “Oh, I live in LA. “I gotta go back to LA.” “Oh, well I’ll see you Monday, right?” And I was like, “Why?” (audience laughs) “Well, you work here, “so I’ll see you Monday, right?” (audience cheers) I couldn’t believe it. I said, “The Oscars means go! “You gotta say what you gotta say.” What I wanted to say was, “Jon, this is one of the only things “that I’ve gotten in my entire career, “that my dad actually knows.” (audience laughs) “So, thank you.” But what I said was, “Jon! “My dad “knows you!”