HIV Positive – (Stand Up Comedy)


…Next to the stage James Tison!! Hello! How are you? Do we have any heterosexual men in this audience tonight? [heterosexual male cheering] Oof. God bless. You must be exhausted. No, but thank you for coming out, straight
men. It’s very brave of you. It’s such a scary time for your people… You know… Um, I do want to address the elephant in the room: This is one piece. Yeah, right? Yeah, not a joke I just need you to know. So we’re having a good time! I want you to
hold on to that feeling.. as I go into the bulk of my set. Remember that, right? And
I’ll just tell you – spoiler alert – that, before I go into it: I’m fine! Okay? I’m…I’m healthy, I have… nice skin. Things, I’m good! I’m good. Having said that… two years ago I tested positive for HIV. [silence] Ooh…Killed. The. Room. Yeah, um, that’s nerve-wracking to talk about because… I don’t know y’all. On the one hand… you might be totally up to date with the
science. You know it’s not a death sentence. On the other hand you might be
stuck in 1985. Definitely, someone in this room is looking at me freaking out right now. Being like, “Whoa, fuck! You guys! Fuck!” It’s one of the straight dudes. Just like, “You could, no, it’s, that’s not, that’s not funny.” “That’s not… go back, go back to the
the trans person, that’s, he, that was jokes!” “I’m trying to be an ally but this
is too much!” “You know, there’s like two bathrooms here…” “He’s touching the mic! Like, am I about to get HIV from this fucking gay guy!?!?” You know… And I’m sorry
but, uh… Yeah probably…. I’m sorry…. Chances are good you all ALREADY got it! So I hope you like the “Rent” Soundtrack and being told how brave you are… Because….. That’s your life now. No, look, I mean, it was hard. It was very hard. When I first found out, you know…. Just after all that time to find out that… I’m… I don’t know… That I’m a Samantha. …I always thought I was a Carrie… with Miranda rising, you know??? But no, I’m a Samantha… No, so if you don’t know,
HIV is is very manageable now. Science caught up. When I found out I started taking one pill a day… Within a month I was what’s called “undetectable.” It means I’ll never get AIDS I’ll never look like Tom Hanks at the end of “Philadelphia.” Or Mary Louise Parker at the end of “Boys on the Side.” And if you don’t get that joke that’s YOUR fault, alright? YOU need to see “Boys on the Side.” That’s not that joke’s fault. But no, I’m “Undetectable.” It means you can’t detect the virus in my system. I can’t give it to anybody, even. I can ejaculate inside
each and every one of you! And you wouldn’t catch anything more than a good time! [cheering] Yes! And herpes. Yes, science is still chasing
after herpes… I’ll say this people get judgmental. Uh,
heterosexuals with kids who have judgments about it can truly suck my dong. Over 50% of pregnancies in this country are unplanned which means all these
straight folks are churning out their little jizz goblins in the same way that
I got HIV, right? With some unprotected foolish fun, but I guarantee you that my
HIV is less of a social strain than their fucking kids. Okay? I’ve never ever
been at a brunch and had my HIV ruined the restaurant – or – the meal of the table next to me! Thank you, that’s my time!!

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