-“The Tonight Show”!
“The Tonight Show”! This is no joke.
Guys, I did it. [ Cheers and applause ] Hi. Okay, guys, are you ready? I only have a few minutes
and it’s very important what I have to say, to me. Um… I want to feel you though. You know what I mean?
I want to feel you. [ Cheers ]
Yes, okay. Okay, but — yes, thank you. So I want to talk to you guys
about french fries for a few minutes. And I humbly request that you
sort of settle into the topic, because it will be filling
the rest of my time here. [ Light laughter ] So, I love fries.
Okay? [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. I love fries. What I don’t love is the way people
behave around them. I’ve noticed the tendency
for people go like this — They go,
“Can I steal a few fries?” [ Light laughter ] “Can I steal a couple fries?” It’s wrong. It’s like, no! Excuse me, I had the courage
when the waiter was here. [ Laughter ] When reputations
were on the line, I spoke up for my desires. I said, “Yes,
make my burger deluxe.” You did not have such courage. Here’s what it is,
I ordered a dream come true, and you ordered a Greek salad. [ Laughter ] You made your bed our lettuce
and you need to live in it and lie in it, hungry. You need to suffer
for your choices. [ Inhales, exhales deeply ] The issue is this, okay? People have all sorts
of sinister tactics that they use when they’re
coming for your fries. Okay, this is a classic. Sometimes during
the ordering process, a friend will go like this.
They’ll go, “I think I’m going to get
the Greek salad as long as I can steal
a few of your fries.” Boom — they close the menu. They try to sneak
it in really fast. Little caveat. They think you won’t
have the courage to do what you must do,
which is to say, “Looks like we’re not
ready to order.” [ Laughter ] And reopen the menu. Looks like you need
to take a minute to think about what you
really desire and, frankly, what kind of person you
really want to be in this life. [ Light laughter ] And I have to go back in,
because I have to order some compensatory items,
because it’s clear that you’ll be coming
for my harvest later. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Thank you. My real problem —
my real problem is these people, they always use the word steal.
Okay? They go, “can I steal a fry?” It’s always steal,
and what they’re doing, it is sick and manipulative. [ Light laughter ] What they’re doing
is they’re overexaggerating the scope of the crime, so that you look like
the monster if you refuse. How can you respond? “Can I steal a few fries?” “No, theft is wrong.” [ Laughter ] It’s a real —
it’s a real problem. I’ll tell you that any time
anyone steals a curly fry, somehow it always ends up being
the longest one in the bunch. [ Light laughter ] And they act innocent.
I know the excuses. I’ve used them myself
in darker days. “In that tangle of curls?
I had no idea. I just grabbed an end
and pulled.” Exactly. If you can’t see both ends
of a curly fry, it doesn’t belong to you. [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you. Some people are surprised.
No, they are. They’re surprised,
given my militancy around fries, to find out that I love to see
a rogue onion ring end up on my plate. I do. I do, because it suggests to me
the right kind of spirit happening back in the kitchen.
Okay? [ Light laughter ] When they’re getting my fries,
you know, the chef’s kind of — this is
what I imagine, at least. This kind of thing — Hey. Hey. you know, kind of a lose,
generous basket-work that I appreciate. [ Laughter ] Do you guys want to know
my absolute favorite way to get fries? [ Laughs ] It’s alone. [ Laughter and applause ] I like to —
I like to go to the diner and I like to sit in the booth
with the busted seat spring, so I’m unnaturally low,
peering impossibly at the plate. And I get a big plate
of fries and just a soda. What I’m trying to say — I like to eat fries
like I’m a little kid that’s being held
at the police station. [ Light laughter ] Because my parents
were found slaughtered by a serial killer
earlier that day. [ Laughter ] I’d been there for hours,
you know? And finally someone was like, “Someone’s gotta get the kid
something to eat.” And they were like, “Delillo,
fries and a sodie pop, handle it!” You know? [ Light laughter ] So I like to eat them with a
kind of traumatized innocence. You know — [ Laughter ] Just kind of dazed. I like to eat my fries
inscrutably. So if the detective
were to peer in at me, he might remark to his partner
something like, “You think he even knows
his life’s about to change?” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] I’m a little boy in the fantasy
and I don’t know why. It’s — [ Laughter ] And you know, he comes in
to take my statement. Right? You know, he wants to —
he has questions. And I’ll tell you, folks, that’s actually
when I lose my innocence. Not earlier that day
when I found mother in three separate hat boxes. [ Laughter ] But right then, when he tries
to bond with me. “Hey, buddy.
Can I steal a fry?” [ Laughter ] That’s when I know he’s dirty. That’s when I know this thing
goes all the way to the top. [ Light laughter ] I don’t know. That’s — That’s how I like my fries — With a sense of injustice. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, you’d be a fool to say
I wasn’t wonderful. Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ] -You’d be fool,
an absolute fool. Jacqueline Novak! You can follow Jacqueline on