Jacqueline Novak Stand-Up

-“The Tonight Show”!
“The Tonight Show”! This is no joke.
Guys, I did it. [ Cheers and applause ] Hi. Okay, guys, are you ready? I only have a few minutes
and it’s very important what I have to say, to me. Um… I want to feel you though. You know what I mean?
I want to feel you. [ Cheers ]
Yes, okay. Okay, but — yes, thank you. So I want to talk to you guys
about french fries for a few minutes. And I humbly request that you
sort of settle into the topic, because it will be filling
the rest of my time here. [ Light laughter ] So, I love fries.
Okay? [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. I love fries. What I don’t love is the way people
behave around them. I’ve noticed the tendency
for people go like this — They go,
“Can I steal a few fries?” [ Light laughter ] “Can I steal a couple fries?” It’s wrong. It’s like, no! Excuse me, I had the courage
when the waiter was here. [ Laughter ] When reputations
were on the line, I spoke up for my desires. I said, “Yes,
make my burger deluxe.” You did not have such courage. Here’s what it is,
I ordered a dream come true, and you ordered a Greek salad. [ Laughter ] You made your bed our lettuce
and you need to live in it and lie in it, hungry. You need to suffer
for your choices. [ Inhales, exhales deeply ] The issue is this, okay? People have all sorts
of sinister tactics that they use when they’re
coming for your fries. Okay, this is a classic. Sometimes during
the ordering process, a friend will go like this.
They’ll go, “I think I’m going to get
the Greek salad as long as I can steal
a few of your fries.” Boom — they close the menu. They try to sneak
it in really fast. Little caveat. They think you won’t
have the courage to do what you must do,
which is to say, “Looks like we’re not
ready to order.” [ Laughter ] And reopen the menu. Looks like you need
to take a minute to think about what you
really desire and, frankly, what kind of person you
really want to be in this life. [ Light laughter ] And I have to go back in,
because I have to order some compensatory items,
because it’s clear that you’ll be coming
for my harvest later. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Thank you. My real problem —
my real problem is these people, they always use the word steal.
Okay? They go, “can I steal a fry?” It’s always steal,
and what they’re doing, it is sick and manipulative. [ Light laughter ] What they’re doing
is they’re overexaggerating the scope of the crime, so that you look like
the monster if you refuse. How can you respond? “Can I steal a few fries?” “No, theft is wrong.” [ Laughter ] It’s a real —
it’s a real problem. I’ll tell you that any time
anyone steals a curly fry, somehow it always ends up being
the longest one in the bunch. [ Light laughter ] And they act innocent.
I know the excuses. I’ve used them myself
in darker days. “In that tangle of curls?
I had no idea. I just grabbed an end
and pulled.” Exactly. If you can’t see both ends
of a curly fry, it doesn’t belong to you. [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you. Some people are surprised.
No, they are. They’re surprised,
given my militancy around fries, to find out that I love to see
a rogue onion ring end up on my plate. I do. I do, because it suggests to me
the right kind of spirit happening back in the kitchen.
Okay? [ Light laughter ] When they’re getting my fries,
you know, the chef’s kind of — this is
what I imagine, at least. This kind of thing — Hey. Hey. you know, kind of a lose,
generous basket-work that I appreciate. [ Laughter ] Do you guys want to know
my absolute favorite way to get fries? [ Laughs ] It’s alone. [ Laughter and applause ] I like to —
I like to go to the diner and I like to sit in the booth
with the busted seat spring, so I’m unnaturally low,
peering impossibly at the plate. And I get a big plate
of fries and just a soda. What I’m trying to say — I like to eat fries
like I’m a little kid that’s being held
at the police station. [ Light laughter ] Because my parents
were found slaughtered by a serial killer
earlier that day. [ Laughter ] I’d been there for hours,
you know? And finally someone was like, “Someone’s gotta get the kid
something to eat.” And they were like, “Delillo,
fries and a sodie pop, handle it!” You know? [ Light laughter ] So I like to eat them with a
kind of traumatized innocence. You know — [ Laughter ] Just kind of dazed. I like to eat my fries
inscrutably. So if the detective
were to peer in at me, he might remark to his partner
something like, “You think he even knows
his life’s about to change?” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] I’m a little boy in the fantasy
and I don’t know why. It’s — [ Laughter ] And you know, he comes in
to take my statement. Right? You know, he wants to —
he has questions. And I’ll tell you, folks, that’s actually
when I lose my innocence. Not earlier that day
when I found mother in three separate hat boxes. [ Laughter ] But right then, when he tries
to bond with me. “Hey, buddy.
Can I steal a fry?” [ Laughter ] That’s when I know he’s dirty. That’s when I know this thing
goes all the way to the top. [ Light laughter ] I don’t know. That’s — That’s how I like my fries — With a sense of injustice. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, you’d be a fool to say
I wasn’t wonderful. Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ] -You’d be fool,
an absolute fool. Jacqueline Novak! You can follow Jacqueline on
twitter @Jacquelinenovak.

82 Replies to “Jacqueline Novak Stand-Up”

  1. Wasted a whole minute psyching herself up before actually introducing the topic, laughs at her own joke, twirls several times, pauses too long, talks about one topic, then takes it to a really dark place that is grossly out of place, thumbs down x9000.

  2. I applaud having different genre of comedy shown. Her comedy was cerebral and I felt the audience was at fault for not being able to comprehend her manner of delivery. I also enjoyed her attire and command of the stage even during dry spells during her set.

  3. At the risk of sounding sexist….most women aren't that funny anyway…so if you go off that scale she was pretty decent.

  4. this was good, idk what people in these comments are raging about. it's like nobody here has eaten fries before

  5. Excellent writing. Delivery a little stilted, maybe due to nervousness, or maybe this is really a McSweeney's article and not a tight five.

  6. How the FUKK did she get on this show?? That was HORRIBLE, AWKWARD, and VERY UNFUNNY. did not laugh once. Women are just Not funny in this profession. Sorry.. This lady should find a new profession cuz she is a HORRIBLE stand up comic. HORRIBLE i say… wow.. brutal.

  7. I was impressed with her material. I always think it's impressive if a comedian is able to make one boring subject funny. It's equally impressive to have funny one-liners. However her delivery wasn't the best. But she seems like she was nervous.

  8. Idk…it was dancing the line between cringey and refreshing, for me. Her quirkiness is straight-up natural…hope to see more of her^^

  9. maybe she should've had more than one topic but it wasn't that bad and im really shocked by how negative the comments are?? i noticed they're all from men too. what's up with that

  10. I understand why people didn't connect. Her jokes were out there for sure. But I love her as a comedian. Even when her material didn't land she never lost her stage presence.

  11. Good material, original expressions of an everyday premise. It did wear thin by the end but you can see she'd be a good TV writer perhaps.

  12. this was lovely. also everything she said about the fries is true, and I really like a comedian that tells truth. also you don't share curly fries, they're a one-per-customer food. sharing them can only end in unsatisfaction and regret over not getting enough, regardless of whether you originally ordered them or just took some from another.

  13. At the very least I love how she believed in her set, and made fun of herself at the end "you'd be a fool" Lol. Short term memory, maybe next time

  14. I loved it! Found her quirky delivery and odd subject matter endearing. That being said, it was kind of a bold move to go after one weird topic, having limited time, especially with the audience at hand. But, kudos to her for going for it!

  15. What is with the twirl? Also, the number of morons that think this shit is funny is astounding. Awesomely terrible..

  16. Try creole seasoning on fries; pretend it's the Colonels Secret Recipe and you signed a NDA & contractually have to kill anyone who finds out with clemency: clandestine.

  17. she dresses the way a little boy would assume a girl would dress with only his relatives old antique doll collection for reference.

  18. I liked her, it takes guts to talk about fries for 6 minutes, and it was relatable. You salad ordering bitches have to live with your bad decisions. You made your bed of lettuce, now lie in it. She's funny. 604 people ordered green salad.

  19. I'm pretty sure this bit is stolen. I have heard the whole thing before, including the police bit… this sounds very familiar

  20. Horrible at best. And that's being generous. Imagine a fat ugly dude with the same materiel & delivery, would anyone laugh at all?! There you have it.

  21. I am thoroughly bored of men who comment the same thing from time immemorial (something to the effect of):

    “Oh, was she funny, the delivery just wasn’t there for me”

    Yawn neeeeeeext

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *