Jalen Sutcliffe (Winner) — 2016 Deadly Funny National Final & Showcase


MC: Keep your round of applause going for Jalen Sutcliffe, from Queensland. *crowd applauds* Woohoohoo! Hi! Hey mob how’re you going? You guys great? So my name’s Jalen Stucliffe, I suffer from a rare condition which is BBL. Big, brown and lovely. *crowd applauds* I just woke up one morning, and looked at myself in the mirror. And I was like ooooh, and I looked myself up and down, gee you’re big. Brown and lovely, of course. I diagnosed myself. I didn’t need a doctor, I thought, I looked smart enough. *crowd laughs* But coming from North Queensland, I’m from Townsville, represent, yeah! Us Murray’s are scared of frogs. I don’t know what it is but we are scared of green tree frogs. Like, we f*cking hate them. But, I like ’em, when they’re in a photo. So there was one time, we were young, young fellas running around in the backyard playing footy. And, we were doing normal things with the footy. Normal things that black kids would do I guess. Coz you don’t see white kids running around chucking rocks and sticks at one another. And throwing sand at each other’s eyes, and dirt. So, we were there playing footy, and I’m like yeah cuz pass me the ball! I catch it and I’ll be down to score that try and…*hits microphone on head* And they just be chucking them rocks out of nowhere. And I’m like… trying to dodge them. Get away from me, like they’re no good. One of them thought it was funny to come out of the bush with a frog. And he chucked it in the same direction that I was running. So he threw it, and he’s like, Jalen, Jalen catch this, and I turned around and look and that frog was in the air just… *crowd laughs And he came and he landed right on the back of my neck. So I’m like running and I’m like ah! Real dramatic like too. I’m like get this off! Mum! Mum! And they all scattered in the bush. They all disappeared ay! I’m there, Mum! Mum! And you know when you start getting scared, coz I thought it was going to kill me. It’s got these things, I don’t know if you’ve seen a frog before but it has these things on it’s hands. They’re very sticky and stuff. Like you know, they grab… I don’t know but if you ever see one don’t go near it. So I was on the ground, I’m like, Mum! Mum! And you know how you get scared, that voice change. So I’m there, Mum! Mum! Mummy there’s a frog! Mum! And this is how she comes from the back deck. She’s comes out… Jalen what the f*ck do you want? *crowd laughs* I’m like Mummy, look, there’s a frog on the back of my neck, get it off. She reckoned, wait there bub, I’ll grab the camera, take a photo. *crowd laughs* But, I always had, I don’t know, but everytime I get in the shower, I always think I’m a superstar. Do any of youse feel like that? Youse like yeah, youse get in there and you’re like ohhh man I’m so deadly. And like you got your whole choreographed routine and everything as soon as the water hits you. So I’m about to jump in the shower, turn the shower on and… *sings* Oh baby now, let’s get down tonight. I’m going to sing a section here. *sings* Baaaaabbyy, I’m so hot just like you love it. *sings* How I need your lovin’ *sings* Baaaaabyyy, I can’t hold you much longer. Always getting stronger, and stronger *sings* and when I get that feeling of
*audience sings* sexual healing. Yeah, and then I get out of the shower. Still wet, I dry myself but, you know what I mean. *crowd laughs* And anyway I’ve always had this thing like traditional Aboriginal models, like if we are proper proper traditional Aboriginal models. They were all like lap laps, spears, woomeras, shields. I feel like this is how they would do it. DJ hit the track! And this is how it goes: Thank you for having me, I’m Jalen Sutcliffe. *crowd applauds* MC: Ahhhh Jalen Sutcliffe! *crowd cheers* MC: Wooooo! Oh ho ho! Ahhhh, we now call him V cut Jalen. F*ck me that was awesome!

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