James Acaster – The 2015 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala


Cheers. My name’s James. When I was a little kid I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be an undercover cop. But I didn’t tell anyone. *crowd laughs* Kept it a secret. If I said I want to grow up and become an undercover cop. First day on the job, I’ve already blown my cover. Running my mouth off all around town as
a child. *crowd laughs* So I was smart. Whenever an adult asked me what do you
want to be when you grow up? I thought long term; I said drug dealer. *crowd laughs* Every time. So I can grow up, become an undercover cop infiltrate the gang of drug dealers. If any of them gets suspicious like hey, do you think James might be an undercover cop? The others would be like pfft no way, this is his lifelong dream. *crowd laughs* Don’t you ever say that again. That was a messed-up question to ask a kid by the way. What do you want to be when you grow up? Isn’t it? What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don’t know? Secure enough in myself, that I’m not putting this kind of pressure on six year olds. *crowd laughs* Is that how you get your kicks mate? I’m a grown-up now, proudly. Recently
single. I miss her. So what? You don’t realise how much you need something until it’s gone, do you? Like your fingernails. *crowd laughs* You don’t realise how much you need your
fingernails until your cut your fingernails. Then that’s the day you’ve got to put
four new keys on a keyring. *crowd laughs* I miss her. Started drinking on my own, who cares. I love it. I lock the door to my flat,
get myself a glass of punch. Is that weird? I drink punch on my own. Is that..?
I drink it from a punch bowl with a ladle in it, in the corner of my bedroom. Is that… I don’t know what other people do. *crowd laughs* I don’t get hammered on my own. I don’t
get hammered. I just get tipsy. Tipsy is the best thing you can be in life, is
tipsy. There are four things you can be in life. Sober, tipsy, drunk, hungover. Tipsy’s the
only one out of the four, where you don’t cry during it. *crowd laughs* Saddest joke you’ll hear all night. You’ve been lovely. See you later. Have a
nice time.

8 Replies to “James Acaster – The 2015 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala”

  1. Isn't he lovely omfg I laughed so hard he's a comedic genius he's the type of guy who would do well on The Office

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