James Comey Admits His Crimes, Professes His Love In Shocking Interview (Satire)

james comey thanks for being here today at
Comey Unfiltered, an exclusive town hall where we’ll talk Obama, the FBI, and Russia
mr. Comey let’s get started do it lightly okay why did you decide to write
the book I was faced really yes what were you drunk off of Hillary Clinton
hmm weren’t we all what’s in the book 00:20
constant series of assertions any of 00:24
them backed by evidence no of course not 00:27
is there anything that you had to leave 00:28
out of the book and the facts don’t you 00:30
think that bothers the American people 00:32
that they’re worried that they’re being 00:33
lied to 00:34
yeah I I don’t think so you’re probably 00:37
right 00:38
some of your critics say that you’re 00:39
just trying to cash in that’s fair 00:41
criticism others defend you they say 00:43
you’re a man of integrity that’s just a 00:45
lie when you gave your memos to a friend 00:50
did you leak classified information yeah 00:53
how great is that I thought that was a 00:57
bad thing what’s your favorite book 00:59
still dosia how many times have you read 01:01
it a thousand times 01:03
Wow how does it make you feel when you 01:05
read it kind of hard mm sorry I asked 01:08
let’s talk about your book tour I hear 01:10
that you have something special planned 01:11
for the fans that come and see you what 01:13
will you be doing for them touching them 01:16
improperly you were recently interviewed 01:19
by Rachel Maddow what did you think of 01:21
Rachel he’s a good guy yeah Stephen 01:25
Colbert also recently interviewed you 01:27
she did all right mr. Comey now we’re 01:30
gonna do a little bit of 01:31
word-association I’m gonna say a word 01:33
and you say the first thing that pops 01:35
into mind stormy Daniels I would you 01:40
would what look at that okay stop stop 01:45
making that sound 01:46
please when you were head of the bureau 01:49
when you were head of the bureau what 01:51
was the FBI’s primary objective protect 01:53
Hillary Clinton why I love her 01:56
desperately what do you miss most about 01:59
the FBI people peeing on each other what 02:05
message do you have for the children of 02:07
America don’t you 02:09
don’t you dare move don’t even blink hmm 02:12
when you mess up at the FBI you get shot 02:16
what’s the nicest thing any of your 02:19
superiors ever told you while you were 02:20
working at the FBI you should be fired 02:23
because you’re incompetent did he 02:25
understand the question a lot of people 02:28
don’t realize that when the Clintons 02:29
were in the White House you investigated 02:31
the death of Vince Foster that’s right 02:33
did Vince Foster kill himself no really 02:38
who killed him 02:40
I think my wife and Bruce Willis okay 02:43
what do you remember the most about your 02:45
childhood home at the end of my driveway 02:48
was a whore definitely memorable as a 02:51
teenager you wrongly accused a man of 02:53
breaking into your home and holding you 02:55
and your brother at gunpoint correct do 02:57
you feel bad about that 02:58
yeah not at all are you a serial killer 03:02
possibly what’s your biggest weakness 03:05
President Obama’s eyebrow raises 03:09
don’t do that what’s something that 03:11
you’ve always wanted to do but have 03:13
never been able to knife somebody maybe 03:16
one day what’s your favorite hobby 03:18
tracking conversations finish this 03:21
sentence James Comey creeps in where do 03:25
you live a forest in the book you write 03:28
a lot about your wife where did you and 03:29
your wife meet at a u.s. prison in Iraq 03:32
called Abu Ghraib wait you met your wife 03:34
at Abu Ghraib yep did you work there yep 03:38
what was her job torture guy finish this 03:43
sentence at the end of a long hard day 03:45
you go home and you make your wife feel 03:47
beaten down after your book tour what 03:50
are you gonna try next marriage to a man 03:52
good luck 03:53
what do you never leave home without 03:55
ship and tanning goggles okay what’s 03:59
your favorite food paper mmm you’re 04:02
making me hungry you’re writing your 04:04
book about that moment in the Oval 04:05
Office when President Trump is about to 04:07
shake your hand and you’re trying to 04:09
avoid getting hugged what happened I get 04:12
something worse than a hug what you get 04:13
sexual assault was that your hashtag me 04:18
too moment yep what’s your nickname for 04:21
Jeff Sessions shrimp scampi hmm not bad 04:25
what question do you ask yourself at the 04:27
start of every day why am I alone if 04:30
Hillary Clinton were here right now what 04:32
would you say to her come out it’s so 04:36
free what was your routine like when you 04:38
were at the bureau what was the first 04:39
thing you did every morning sucked 04:41
what’s your favorite day of the year 04:43
Valentine’s Day which is the FBI’s 04:45
primary responsibility you speak highly 04:49
of President Obama in your book what is 04:51
his best quality President Obama has a 04:54
great butt it’s true it’s a little flat 04:58
tell us about your last meeting with 04:59
Obama in the Oval Office what did 05:02
President Obama say to you he said I 05:04
want to just tell you something and they 05:06
look me in the eye and he said just me 05:08
wait what yeah and then we totally screwed right huh we did it hard oh my god the Russians taped it the Russians taped it I’m done James Coney

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