Jay Corcoran ‘The War on Dairy’ Stand-up Comedy


okay so here’s the thing guys I recently
quit drinking (Mixed response from audience) Thanks for your support It’s been hard though, I will say It’s been difficult I’ve had to practice a lot of self-control a little bit of
mindfulness Sacks of weed I mean, I won’t lie, it’s largely been weed now guys
I’m aware that what I’ve done basically is just swap one vice for another but here’s
the thing I think everyone should be allowed one legal vice, right? Right?! so, like, for me ’cause I don’t drink alcohol, I should be allowed to smoke a sack of weed the same way that if you don’t smoke cigarettes you should be allowed a little bit of crack now here’s the thing, guys, I know weed is
not legal and that’s problematic for me because with my sobriety
weed is more than just a recreational vice it’s like a daily essential now, so it’s
a little bit like imagine the government decided they were going to outlaw milk are you gonna stop drinking milk? Black tea? eugh! fuck no! you’re gonna find the guy who
sells milk right? or a guy who knows a guy so I don’t know, maybe,
maybe your brother-in-law just got back from the stag do in Jersey. Jersey, of course, famous for its lax dairy laws and prostitution but you’ve been round his flat
seen the cereal boxes you’ve seen tea spoons. You know this guys using so you chat and you score a number and after a fairly awkward but surprisingly straightforward
phone call you’re in your local park in the dead of night meeting a teenage hooded milkman paying £5 for what you’ve been promised will be a full pint of
milk but you can see at the time it’s at best a half a pint and it’s fucking red top but what are you going to do, people? the guy with the milk makes the rules there’s no trading standards for the illegal
milk trade so you go back you keep buying off this guy knowing you’re being ripped off, unhappy the whole time until this one day, one glorious day, ladies
and gentlemen your man talks about having some of that full fat yeah, some of that ‘sweet creamy’ He’s got a friend in Holland now Jersey cows It’s going to cost you a little bit
more you know at the time, it’s probably not from Holland Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s probably not even fucking milk but fuck it, you’re thinking about my hot chocolates now, so you buy a gallon! and it’s good! you’re drinking hot chocolates, your eating cereal at tea time lattes son! Lattes! and then you start experimenting
with the ‘harder dairys’ you start innocently enough some mild Cheddar
maybe you’re at a dinner party someone bakes a fucking Camembert it happens, people then before you know it someone slips some fucking Roquefort on your cracker you’re in over your head! you owe this kid more money than you can ever afford and you’ve got an insatiable Parmesan habit The point of that bit is that milk should be legal

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