John Mulaney Got Cheated Out of $120K | Netflix Is A Joke

– I went to college, for the whole time. (audience laughing)
Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun, ’cause mail, you know? (audience laughing) So I open up the letter and they said, hey John, it’s college, you remember? (audience laughing) I say, yes of course.
(audience laughing) And then they said,
how did they phrase it, then they said, give us some money! (audience laughing) As a gift! We want a gift!
(audience laughing) But only if it’s money! (audience laughing)
I found this peculiar. ‘Cause you see, what
had happened New York, was that when I was a student you see, I had paid them a tuition money. (audience laughing) Every semester, two semesters
a year for four years. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars, it was about $15,000 a semester. Two semesters a year for four years. So it was about $30,000
a year for four years. So it was about $120,000, okay? So roughly speaking, I gave my
college about $120,000, okay? So you might say that I
already gave them $120,000 and now you have the audacity
to ask me for more money? What kind of a coke-head relative? (audience cheering) What kind of a coke-head
relative is my college? You spent it already? (audience laughing) I gave you more money
than the Civil War cost and you fuckin’ spent it already? (audience laughing)
Where’s my money? I felt like Jimmy Stewart
in “It’s a Wonderful Life” when he’s screaming at his Uncle Billy I was like, where’s the money? Where’s that money you fat motherfucker? Where’s my money? Stay down on the ground, stay down on the ground you motherfucker! That’s not the dialogue, but
do y’all remember that scene from “It’s a Wonderful Life”? (audience laughing)
Great movie. Frank Capra, 1946. $120,000. And I have friends I went to
college with and they’re like, oh, you should donate
and be a good alumnus. And they wear shirts that say
school and it’s like, look. If you’re an adult still
giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who
fell in love with her. She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done.
(audience cheering) In their letter they were like, hey, it’s been a while
since you’ve given us money. I was like, hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. (audience laughing) I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me like, a weird cinder block room
with a “Reservoir Dogs” poster on it and the first
real heartbreak of my life, and probably HPV and
then we called it a day. Probably.
(audience laughing) Also, what did I get for my money? What is college? (stuttering)
(audience laughing) Stop going! Till we figure it out. ‘Cause I went to college. I have no idea what it was. I went to college. I was 18 years old. I looked like I was 11. (audience laughing) I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. (audience laughing) I didn’t drink water the entire time. (audience laughing) I lived on cigarettes,
and alcohol and Adderall. College was like a
four-year game show called, Do My Friends Hate Me or Do
I Just Need to go to Sleep? (audience laughing)
But instead of winning money you lose $120,000. By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000 when I was 17 years old. With no attorney present. (audience laughing)
That’s illegal. They tricked me. They tricked me like Brendan
Dassey on Making a Murderer. They tricked me like poor Brendan. They pulled me out of high school. I was in sweatpants all confused. (audience laughing) Two guys in clip-on ties were like, come on son, do the right thing. Sign here and you’ll be an English major. I was like, okay.
(audience laughing) Yes you heard me. An English major. I paid $120,000.
(audience clapping) How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the
worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read “Jane Austen”
and then I didn’t. (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

100 Replies to “John Mulaney Got Cheated Out of $120K | Netflix Is A Joke”

  1. Borrowing money for college was no sweat. 18 year old with no life experience? Yeah, sign here.

    Years later in my 30s. Oh, borrow 50k to start a business? Nah. Sorry, cant finance you.

  2. "i agreed to give them 120000 dollars when I was 17 years old, with no attourney present…. THAT IS ILLEGAL" I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

  3. I think hes got some really good stuff and have no doubt he'll wind up great, but he's gotten too big too fast. He's not funny enough yet for where he is. But he'll get there.

  4. THIS will be MY point about the IDIOCY of life
    The BIGGEST investments in OUR life the most money we spend ON ANYTHING THOSE expenses DO NOT come with any WARRANTY..
    It should go like this
    If within a YEAR I am NOT making at least TWICE of what I spent in my education FUCK OFF the school HAS to wipe out the debt AND pay me the money I SHOULD BE MAKING if the the school had been any good
    If I receive ANY MEDICAL TREATMENT and I am NOT fully cured and symptoms begin again
    the Doctor/Hospital will keep treating me for LIFE FREE. and I do not mean "Talk to flunky" I mean come to my house and CURE ME.
    If I buy a HOUSE and ANYTHING goes wrong (Boiler, foundation, smart bell, kitchen appliance , fixtures)
    first 5 years – 100% covered
    next 5 years = 70%
    next 5 years = 40%
    next 5 years = 10%
    REST = 0%

  5. See, this is why I wanna take classes on line because I won’t get fucked out of more money than I could ever hope to even look at.

  6. Says that was the worst financial decision of his life, but then he goes and gets married?! Baahahahahahahahaaa!! Just wait bro, just wait, give it a little time, you'll see that singin up for college will come in a distant second place compared to gettin married…. (If you ever really wanna be someone, or own anything significant, never get married….NEVER)

  7. Agreed STOP GOING TO COLLEGE until they learn to spend money better. If im paying 100k+ they had better have a private tutor for me that spoon feeds me the knowledge i need. AND I WANT A PRIVATE PARKING SPACE!! WHO SELLS PARKING PASSES AND HAS NO PARKING?!! Instead it was "read the book" I COULD HAVE READ IT FOR FREE AT A LIBRARY!

  8. And just like that, Alumni funding plummeted to the ground. And universities far and wide wondered why they were getting this YouTube link as a one line response from their alumni.

  9. This is great because he’s an English major too and I’m not gonna have the resources to pay my electric bill for the next 5 decades

  10. What's worse for me is when I just made my kids' college tuition payment and I get a call from their same college asking for a donation. I already gave you one thank you very much!

  11. "Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?"……- for the uninitiated that's the ADHD meds talking telling you it's ok to be up for 3 days in a row with no food

  12. I paid 120k to look at slides of artwork in darkened auditoriums and then write papers about it…would you like fries with that?

  13. This is a genius bit however didn't you use your English degree to like… Get a job writing at snl… And like… Do this

  14. Cristine Simply Nailogical is screaming
    Stay in school, kids.
    He paid 120k to college and now he's John Mulaney

  15. Peoples respond to this, so I’ll have to watch this again. Pls I really want to watch this again next week.

  16. I know its a bit, but there is a purpose to teaching English. Case in point, someone had to get a degree in English to teach him how to correctly put that bit together. I am currently in college to be a middle school English teacher, so I guess I am a bit bias. Still love the bit.

  17. here’s a fun drinking game, every time John says “120 thousand dollars”, take a shot

    falls down the stairs

  18. "I paid a 120 thousand dollars for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen

    And then I didn't"


  19. lol lol 😝 he told all the facts about college. Signing loan papers without an attorney at 17 is exactly what happened.

  20. Student loans are money market super bubble. Unlike home and auto loans that banks can repo, student loan debt will never be forgiven and can even passed on to your children if unpaid at death.

    Think about, why else would we have been sold this story about making more money by taking on student loans for degrees that turn out to be worthless?

    I’m sitting in a dump truck on a job site watching guys with bachelors degrees make 90k base salary to hold shovels by a hole. We were told these were dead end jobs- these guys are retiring in 20 years with paid off houses and pensions.

    Yeah seems like a real dead end 🤦🏼‍♂️

  21. Lmao I forgot how shitty american tuition was, $30,000 per year?! My Canadian tuition was about $8,000 per year, and that’s CANADIAN DOLLARS. 15 YEARS LATER.

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