John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN —
JOHN MULANEY. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT’S GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
“SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.” I’M JOHN MULANEY.
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME EVER TUNING IN, I HOST EVERY WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ] I’M FULLY KIDDING.
THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I’VE HOSTED.
I ACTUALLY HOSTED THE SHOW LAST APRIL.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THAT.
RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. IT WAS APRIL.
IT’S GREAT TO BE IN NEW YORK CITY, BECAUSE I LIVE IN
NEW YORK CITY. AND IT’S ALWAYS CONVENIENT TO BE
WHERE YOU LIVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS WALKING DOWN WEST 13th STREET THE OTHER DAY.
I WAS COMING DOWN WEST 13th AND THIS COUPLE WAS WALKING TOWARDS
ME. AND AS I WALKED PASSED THEM, THE
BOYFRIEND SAID TO ME, “HEY, COOL GUY.”
AND THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND GOES, “THAT’S MEAN.”
AND I EXPERIENCED A COMPLIMENT AND THE INSULT IN REAL TIME.
HE WAS LIKE, “HEY COOL GUY.” I WAS LIKE, “HEY.”
SHE WAS LIKE, “THAT’S MEAN.” I WAS LIKE, “RIGHT.”
[ LAUGHTER ] I WAS A COOL PERSON AT ONE TIME.
I USED TO DO COCAINE. THAT’S TRUE.
THE PERSON YOU’RE LOOKING AT. I USED TO SMELL IT INTO MY NOSE.
I GET A HIGH FROM IT. HEY, QUICK TIP FROM MY
EXPERIENCE, DOING COCAINE WILL NOT MAKE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND GET
BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU, BUT IT WILL MAKE HER WORRY ABOUT YOU.
AND IN THE END, WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I’M MARRIED NOW.
I’M VERY HAPPILY MARRIED. MY WIFE IS JEWISH.
I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC WHICH YOU ALL KNEW FROM THE MOMENT I
WALKED OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. A JEWISH PERSON MARRYING A
CATHOLIC CHILDREN. ONLY, LIKE, TWO PEOPLE ASKED
ABOUT IT. AND THOSE PEOPLE WERE MY
PARENTS. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, MY MOM
ASKED ME IF MY WIFE WAS GOING TO CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU’RE RIGHT TO LAUGH.
IT’S A STUPID QUESTION. OH, I DON’T KNOW, MOM.
LET ME GO ASK A 29-YEAR-OLD JEWISH WOMAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE
ANY OF MY SUGGESTIONS IF SHE WOULD CONVERT TO, WHAT WAS IT
AGAIN? ROMAN CATHOLICISM?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] HOW WOULD I EVEN HAVE THAT
CONVERSATION? WHAT DO I COME HOME WITH A
BROCHURE? AND I’M LIKE, “HEY HONEY, ALLOW
ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING NOT NEW ORGANIZATION.
[ LAUGHTER ] DON’T GOOGLE US.”
YOU KNOW THAT STRANGE LOOK OF SHAME AND UNHAPPINESS I HAVE IN
MY EYES AT ALL TIMES ESPECIALLY AFTER SEX AND IT WAS ALL FORCED
ON ME AT BIRTH? WHAT IF YOU VOLUNTARILY SIGNED
UP FOR IT? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MY WIFE AND I HAVE A FRENCH
BULLDOG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HER NAME IS PETUNIA. SHE’S GREAT.
SHE’S GREAT. SHE CANNOT BREATHE BY DESIGN.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO WE PUSH HER IN A STROLLER.
THAT’S ABSOLUTELY TRUE. MY WIFE WAS PUSHING HER DOWN
7th AVENUE SOUTH. THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE
STORY. SHE WAS PUSHING THE BULLDOG DOWN
7th AVENUE SOUTH. SHE GETS TO 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND
LEROY STREET. AT 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND LEROY
STREET, A CAR PULLS UP. OUT OF THE CAR AND STEPS
WOODY ALLEN AND SOON YI PREVIN. MY WIFE STARES AT WOODY AND
SOON YI. WOODY AND SOON YI STARE AT A
WOMAN PUSHING A BULLDOG IN A STROLLER.
THE FOUR OF THEM STARE AT EACH OTHER.
AND THEN THEY ALL KIND OF NOD AS IF TO SAY NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT.
AND THEN THEY WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I TAKE THE SUBWAY A LOT IN
NEW YORK. I PREFER THE SUBWAY, BECAUSE YOU
HAVE THE MAN AND WOMAN NARRATING THE SUBWAY RIDE.
THE WOMAN THAT TELLS YOU THE SUBWAY STOPS IN A NICE GENTLE
VOICE AND HER WAY TOO LOUD HUSBAND.
YOU KNOW THE ONE WHO IS LIKE, “THE NEXT STOP IS
CHRISTOPHER STREET.” “STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING
DOOR, PLEASE!” [ LAUGHTER ]
STOP SHOUTING. WHAT ARE YOU, IN THE NEXT ROOM?
I ACTUALLY ASKED SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR THE CITY, WHY IS IT A
MALE AND A FEMALE VOICE? HE TOLD ME THAT —
THEY THINK THAT PEOPLE WILL TAKE INFORMATION FROM A FEMALE VOICE,
BUT THEY WILL ONLY WARNINGS FROM A MALE VOICE.
NOW THAT’S IT’S OWN AMERICAN GENDER NIGHTMARE THAT WE DON’T
HAVE TIME TO GET INTO. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I TRUST THAT WOMAN MORE. I LIKE THAT SHE SAYS EVERY
SUBWAY STOP LIKE IT’S A SECRET. SHE’S ALWAYS LIKE, “THE NEXT
STOP IS — CHAMBERS STREET.”
>>ASSAULTING AN MTA WORKER! I WASN’T GOING DO THAT.
THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THAT. MURDERING A TAXI DRIVER WILL GET
YOU 25 YEARS IN PRISON. OKAY, I GUESS I WON’T DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU DON’T SEE THAT IN OTHER
BUSINESSES. RESTAURANTS ARE NEVER LIKE,
“HEY, YOUR SERVER WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, MURDERING A WAITER IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK
IS A CLASS A FELONY. I’M GOING TO GET YOU SOME
BREAD.” [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE IS A LOT OF — I HEAR A LOT OF SIRENS IN NEW YORK.
THERE IS A NEW TYPE OF SIREN. YOU KNOW THE NEW SIREN THEY’VE
HAD FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS THAT HAS, LIKE, A FUN AND FUNKY
BEAT? THEY LIKE TO USE IT MORE BECAUSE
IT SOUNDS FUN AND FUNKY. YOU KNOW THE SIREN THAT IS
LIKE — [ SOUNDS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE THERE’S A D.J. IN THE BACK
OF THE PATROL CAR. IT SOUNDS LIKE TWO SIRENS
TALKING TO EACH OTHER. [ SOUNDS ]
IT’S TOO FAST. SIRENS USED TO BE SO SLOW AND
BEAUTIFUL. I WAS WATCHING THIS OLD MOVIE ON
TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES, BECAUSE I WAS NOT AN ATHLETIC CHILD.
AND IT WAS AN ALFRED HITCHCOCK MOVIE AND THERE’S A GUNSHOT.
BANG. AND THEN YOU HEAR THIS OLD
FASHIONED SIREN. AND IT WAS SLOW AND LOVELY.
IT WAS LIKE — [ SOUNDS ]
IT WAS LIKE AN OLD, GAY CAT WAS DYING.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT NOT A SAD DEATH.
NOT A SAD DEATH. HE’S LIVED A FULL LIFE AND HE’S
SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES AND HE’S IN HOSPICE.
HE’S IN CAT HOSPICE. AND HE’S HOLDING HANDS WITH A
RABBI AND HE’S JUST KIND OF — [ MEOWS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW THOMAS RHETT IS HERE.
STICK AROUND WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK

100 Replies to “John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue – SNL”

  1. "I used to do cocaine. I would smell it up into my nose and i'd get a high from it"
    -John Mulaney

  2. I've noticed with Mulaney's performances that at the very start it takes him a second to "get into it" but once he finds it he hits the ground running and it's hilarious 😂😂😂

  3. I had never heard of John Mulaney before today (before you start, I'm not American and he's not big in the UK) but I've just spent my whole afternoon watching YouTube clips of him when I should have been working. Now I'm waaayyyyyy behind !

  4. Doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you and in the end what's the difference

    -John Mulaney

  5. I've heard the sirens John Mulaney talked about. I noticed them when I visited NYC last year on Independence Day.

  6. You telling me this guy gets on stage and talks for almost 10 minutes.
    Yeah Ice it's a monologue. Hosts do them on the show. You're going to have to get used to that.

  7. Watching this months later, listening to the part about the cat in cat hospice holding the rabbi's hand, and now I can't stop wondering if his tenure and Julio Torres' overlapped at all. They come up with the most amazing concepts.

  8. I love seeing the musicians in the back enjoying themselves both while playing and during his jokes. Those guys deserve more recognition.

  9. It's rare that you see the SNL band reacting to and clearly enjoying the monologue so much. Not easily impressed, I'm sure, and Mulaney completely draws them in. Bravo, John.

  10. I laughed so hard at the police siren bit that not only did my sides hurt, but my mom came in and checked to make sure I was okay.

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