-Every night here at the show, I deliver a monologue
like I just delivered. It’s comprised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, though, a lot
of jokes come across my desk that due to my being
a straight, white male would be difficult for me
to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them with
you now in a segment called “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause,
upbeat music plays ] [ Tape rips ] These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women! -And I’m not, so… I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. Starbucks has discontinued its
gluten-free breakfast sandwich. -“That’s the worst thing
Starbucks has ever done,” said white people. [ Laughter ] -A lesbian-led event
called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday
in New York City. -So if you see a bunch
of lesbians marching, that’s the Army. [ Laughter ] -Hey, can I go to the March? -Sure. Uh, it’s BYOB —
Bring your own Birkenstocks. [ Laughter ] -According to Bloomberg, the price of chicken wings
has fallen to a four-year low. -Said black people,
“It’s a trap!” [ Laughter ] -Oh, oh, “It’s a trap,”
like Admiral Ackbar. -Yeah, the way I do it,
it’s Admiral Blackbar. -[ Chuckles ] Okay. According to a new study, lesbians may be more likely
to develop type 2 diabetes than straight women. -Hmm.
I wonder what they’re eating. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
broke with tradition and served a lemon elderflower
cake at the royal wedding. -Yeah, that’s how
they broke with tradition. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Amber, would you ever want
to be a princess? -No.
-Why not? -Because I’m not interested
in a demotion from Queen. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, please… -[ Chuckles ] -Please,
please don’t encourage this. [ Laughter ] -Cut back to me. [ Laughter ] -No, hey! [ Laughter ] -A popular gay blog recently
published an article titled, “These are the best
lesbian sex positions.” -Coming in at number one, whatever lets you finish in time
to watch Rachel Maddow. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jenny, what is the best
position for lesbians? -Shortstop. [ Laughter ] -A white Ya– [ Chuckles ] A white Yale student recently
called the police when she found a black Yale student sleeping in
the common room of their dorm. -Said the black student, “Hey, college did prepare me
for real life.” [ Audience laughs, groans ] -Hey, Amber… [ Laughter ] -Where is the lie? [ Laughter ] -Hey, Amber, what do you think
is the hardest thing about a black student at Yale? -Being confused for the other
black student at Yale. -Oh, right, right, right. [ Laughter ] A lesbian press in Michigan recently won
four publishing awards. -A lesbian press is also
the technical term for a firm handshake. [ Laughter ] -So, Jenny, do lesbians
really have firm handshakes? [ Cracking ]
-Oh! Oh, Jenny. [ Laughter ] Ohh.
-Hey, Seth, why don’t you tell one? -Ohh, you guys know I couldn’t! -Oh, come on, buddy. Just one! -I feel like if I do one,
I’ll get in trouble. -Come on. Just do it. -You promise it will go okay? -Pinky swear.
-Okay. [ Cracking ]
-Oh! [ Laughter ] -Damn it!
-It’s a trap! -You’re a little — [ Laughter ] You’re a little late,
Admiral Blackbar. -Hey, Admiral Blackbar
is always late. [ Laughter ] That’s how you know
he’s Admiral Blackbar. [ Laughter ] -Seth, dang,
will you tell a joke?! -All right! Geez! [ Laughter ] The former CEO — [ Laughter ] The former CEO of J. C. Penney has been tapped to become
the new head of Lowe’s Home Improvement. So if you shop at J. C. Penney
and you shop at Lowe’s, you’re a lesbian. [ Laughter ]
-Seth, no! -Why?! That was exactly
what you were doing! -No!
-Very bad. -I’ll try again.
-Okay. Jennifer Aniston will play
a lesbian President in an upcoming Netflix movie. A lesbian President is like
a regular President except she takes her meetings
in the oral office. [ Laughter ] -Seth, how dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -How dare you?!
-How could you do that?! You black women
and you lesbians are liars! [ Upbeat music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ]