Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: National Be Late for Something Day, Lesbian Oral History Project


-Here at “Late Night,” every
night I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black. -And I’m gay. -And we’re both women. -And I am not. So, here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go! Today was National Be Late
for Something Day. -Yet another example
of white people appropriating black culture. [ Laughter ] [ Scattered applause ] -A lesbian horror film
recently premiered at the South by Southwest
festival. -It’s called “Home Depot
Is Closing in Five Minutes.” -Hey, Jenny,
what’s your favorite thing to get at Home Depot? -A phone number.
-Okay. 50 years ago, Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip
“Peanuts,” introduced his first
black character, Franklin. -It was the least he could do after letting Pigpen
walk around in blackface. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh! Oh, I’m glad I didn’t try
to tell that one. -I regret having done so. -A gallery in New York
is currently showing an exhibit of photographs of lesbians
from the ’60s and ’70s. -Or as they were known
back then, roommates. -Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter ] And what are they known as now? -NCAA basketball coaches. -Oh, right, right, right. In response to Serena Williams’
protest against an umpire during the U.S. Open,
tennis star Martina Navratilova published an op-ed titled
“What Serena Got Wrong.” -It’s like
the old saying goes — Behind every successful
black person, there’s a white person
who needs to shut up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Disney — Disney is facing
backlash after it was announced that its first-ever
openly gay major character will be played
by a straight actor. -But in their defense, it’s
really hard to find a gay actor. [ Laughter ] -Jenny, is it hard
to find gay actors? -No! 1/3 of the actors
at this desk are gay. At least. [ Laughter and applause ] -Two dozen white supremacists
held a rally recently outside the White House. -And when they were done, they went inside
and got back to work. -Amber! -It’s funny because the
president’s a white supremacist. [ Laughter ] -Oh, it is funny. -Those laws. -Alaska Airlines apologized
recently to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so a straight couple
could sit together. -Even worse, they asked
a lesbian couple, “How do you do it?” [ Laughter ] -Jenny, what’s the question
people ask lesbians the most? -Can you open this jar for me? And P.S.,
the answer is always yes. -Okay. According to Politico,
white men are a minority among this year’s
Democratic midterm candidates. -So from now on if you want to
see white men in the majority, you’ll have to go to Harvard,
Yale, Princeton, Stansford, a Cubs game, a research lab. -A TED conference,
a NASCAR race, Wall Street, NASA,
the Supreme Court. -A math department, a movie
studio, an engineering firm. -Or a comedy writers’ room. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Stansford. [ Laughter ] A lot of people go to Stansford. -I didn’t get into Stanford, but
I got wait-listed at Stansford. [ Laughter ] -A lot of people did. Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I couldn’t! -Oh, come on.
Just one. -I feel like if I do,
I’m going to get in trouble. -No way, dude.
-Okay, okay. Then I’ll do it with confidence.
-Okay. -The Denver Center
for the Performing Arts recently staged an all-black
performance of “Oklahoma!” Or as it’s called,
“Oak-la-homey.” -Seth, no! -What, what? Why? -Seth.
-No. -Well, I’ll do another one
and win you back. -Okay. -The University of Oregon is currently organizing
a lesbian oral history project. -Don’t do it.
-No, no, no, it’s good. [ Laughter ] -Do not do this. -No, no, it’s not going
where you think it is. Because if there’s one thing
every lesbian has, it’s an extensive oral history. -You did it.
-How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -You said Stansford!
-I did. -Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] We’ll be right back with
Mariska Hargitay and Ice-T.

100 Replies to “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: National Be Late for Something Day, Lesbian Oral History Project”

  1. Its much more offense to have a black woman making racial jokes about white men then a white man. Dumbfuck.

  2. Now days anyone is a white supremacist if they don't agree with the stupid SJW question. Fucking SJW racist dumbasses.

  3. The more off script and less serious they are the funnier it gets! (Although a balance must be achieved at all times ofc.)

    Can confirm the ‘roommate’ thing is true; had a relative who was always bringing her roommates to family gatherings. At 13 you just say ‘ok, hi. Can I go play now?’ and never know how weird the adults are being.

  4. Yes being late is an appropriation of black culture by white folks. Cept for the Spaniards and south Europeans. But they aren't really white anyway. They are swarthy. They are the "Swarths". And with the help of their Swarthberries they managed to take over the world.

  5. I thought Disney made a big deal about its "first openly gay character" back when the Beauty and the Beast remake came out?

  6. Where can I get a Lesbian to open my jars? Anything that works better then the five assistance devices I have now. If they can also hang pictures I'll let them stay rent free.

  7. Sorry Im late, just saw this so couldnt comment before now. It is obvious that these 'comedy writers' are working with very outdated stereotypes in regards to women in research labs. While I am not sure of the number of women in Tenured positions, the percentage of women in research and initial tenure track positions is at least at statistical parity, if not currently dominated by women. Yes, it is a small thing and male dominance of all the other venues is probably true, but if you think that biomedical research is dominated by men, you arent a biomedical researcher. It probably is true that among full professors in tenured seats males are the lion's share, but as time goes by and they die off, those seats will be increasingly be occupied by the younger women scientists of today.

    Have a great day!

  8. Love Seth's humour. This segment shows he doesn't have all white male writers, which I understand is very predominant in the field. And it really brings to mind that all the comedy based talk show hosts are also male. Great to see this segment.

  9. Anyone else a little bit sick of the whole 'lesbians have a zillion cats and love home depot' bit that seems to be one of the jokes everytime in this segment?

  10. Are black people actually late all the time or do white people just think that because of their weed dealers?
    Are black people actually late all the time or do the early ones just get arrested for loitering?

  11. If you want to see a white majority, look at any picture from Antarctica. I just have to point out, that the "Continent" farthest from that one, is Europe.

  12. I had a boss start to tell a joke in a meeting of mostly women. Totally inappropriate joke. When I tried to stop him, that is exactly what he did. No no it will be Ok. I still remember the defining silence in the room when he got done. Someone must have told him it would be Ok.

  13. Ok but whats even funnier is the web series about the lesbian vampire (carmilla im pretty sure is the series they were talking about) was originally sponsored by u by kotex

  14. This sketch is so cringey and pedantic… amber is hilarious, don’t waste her talent on these tired tropes. I’m sure Jenny is a good writer but you can’t tell if she’s funny when her o my joke is “lesbians, am I right?”
    Hahaha

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