Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Pride Month, New Law & Order Spin-Off


-Here at “Late Night” every
night, I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by
a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight, white male, would be difficult for me
to deliver, but we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them. So we’d like to share them
with you in a segment called “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] These are two of our writers —
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black!
-And I’m gay! -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So, here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go. In honor of LGBT Pride Month, Bud Lite will be selling
rainbow-colored bottles. -Well, thanks,
said mostly the L’s. [ Laughter ] -A street in Los Angeles was recently renamed
Barack Obama Boulevard. -So, I bet I know where you can
get a good deal on a house. -I’m sorry. Is that a street
in a black neighborhood? -If it’s not, it’s about to be. [ Laughter ] -Ireland has banned
an anti-gay preacher from entering their country. -His name is the Pope. [ Laughter ] -“Rolling Stone” published
a book excerpt recently about an author’s visit
to a white nationalist cookout. -“That’s terrible,” said someone
eating the potato salad at a white nationalist cookout. [ Laughter ] -Is white people’s potato salad
that bad? -No, I’ve eaten it before —
on a dare. I got $10. [ Laughter ] -The website Refinery29
recently posted a list of possible wedding gifts
for lesbian brides. -A lesbian bride
is like a straight bride except she’s experienced orgasm. [ Laughter ] It’s true. -After a seven-year absence, NBC announced they’re bringing
back their genealogy series “Who Do You Think You Are?” -But this time
they’re calling it “Surprise: You’re Related to
Slave Owners.” -Oh, wait, this next joke is
about Puerto Ricans. -Oh, I’m Puerto Rican.
I’ll take it. -All right, great. It was announced recently that
Oprah has donated $2 million to hurricane relief efforts
in Puerto Rico. -Said Puerto Rican moms,
“I’m glad Oprah did that, but when is she
gonna get married?” [ Laughter ] -Now, is there any way to get
a Puerto Rican mom to stop asking
when you’re gonna get married? -Sure. Come out. [ Laughter ] -How did you come out? -Oh, I just showed up with a
rainbow-colored Bud Lite bottle. [ Laughter ] -NBC ordered has a new
“Law and Order” spin-off called “Law and Order:
Hate Crimes.” -It’s just body-cam footage. [ Laughter ] Just kidding. They turn the body cams off
for that stuff. [ Laughter ] -I’m glad you’re charming. [ Laughter ] Officials in Florida yesterday
pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long
alligator in her yoga pants. -To be fair, it’s the only form
of birth control her insurance would cover. -We’re gonna get you
a pants alligator. [ Laughter ] -Hey, baby, you want to roar? [ Laughter ] -An ice-cream chain
in New York City has created a so-called
gelato burger, which is two scoops of gelato sandwiched between
sweet chocolate buns. -And if you want to know what
sweet chocolate buns look like, marry me. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -That’s my favorite. -What? -I still have one. -Oh, I don’t think I should.
-Please. Just one. -No, I don’t feel like
it’ll end well. -Come on.
-Okay. I trust you both. [ Laughter ] An Ohio bar is selling
a period-themed margarita. It’s like a regular margarita except it’s acting like
a total bitch right now. -Seth!
-No! -No? Oh, wait, wait. Okay. I understand now the kind of
joke you’re looking for and I have recalibrated
my taste. Let me try again. The BBC recently published
an article titled “Do lesbians
need more safe spaces?” And that’s ridiculous. They already have a bunch. They’re called Super Cuts. -How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -Black women and lesbians
are liars! [ Cheers and applause ] We’ll be right back with
Terry Crews everybody.

100 Replies to “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Pride Month, New Law & Order Spin-Off”

  1. When I see them having fun like this, it makes me feel weird that this is a multi multi million dollar show, and they all get paid to play. Still, happy that their work place is happy. I'm going to go back to shoveling coal now.

  2. Everyone knows a lesbian’s safe space is Home Depot/Lowe’s and the place where you can rent U-Hauls.

  3. … so if we marry Amber, we get the face AND the sweet chocolate buns? uh… can someone call a doctor? I think all my veins just popped from my heartbeat going "RAMMING SPEED! LIGHTSPEED! LUDICROUS SPEED!!!!!"

  4. I really love the premise of this sketch but it’s such a shame the audience reaction is somewhat lacklustre : (

  5. Many of those jokes were depressingly just true. . . Pope . . Body Cams . . Birth Control access in the south:(

  6. stick to bashing Trump. whenever I see the writers I turn it off. Racist jokes aimed at white people are offensive too. Maybe one day say thirty years from now people will lose their jobs for the racist jokes they are telling today. History repeats itself .

  7. So much like Joe Biden winking Frat boy personal space sexual harassment non apology another way to allow the approved people to say or do horrible things and it’s turn into a joke. Well done with another ridiculous double standard.

  8. My dad literally made potato salad today with vinegar, miracle whip, and mayo and then dared to call it potato salad.

  9. Those two remind me of celebrity presenters at the Oscars reading jokes from the TelePrompTer…real smooth 😜

  10. This is simply my favourite segment. It still feels new and refreshing, and the three of them together are adorable!

  11. This is literally the best segment, and I'm glad Seth and his team realize how to be able to tell these jokes without them coming from the mouth of a rich white guy

  12. Nigel Tufnel claimed that Spinal Tap had armadillos in their trousers. Florida Woman says "Hold my alligator."

  13. Jesus, this got savage! I loved those jokes much more than the 'regular' ones, but judging by the audience reactions, they are less digestable for broader public 🤣😂

  14. I'm glad you're charming….AND GLAMOROUS!!! Oh Hella Yeah, Even THIS Gay Man knows Beautiful When He Sees Loveliness Like Hers, almost turns me every time she's on screen.

  15. I just realised what Seth is doing here. He’s both
    A) putting himself down and giving his spot to women
    B) literally setting those women up for success, not only with the punchline, but also by giving them the spotlight
    Thank you, Seth

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