Julio Torres Stand-Up


-Hi, hi. Hey. Hi. Hello. [ Light laughter ] I’m — I’m sorry if I seem
a little bit — a little bit
out of it right now. I — I got my lab results back. And, uh, just as
every doctor suspected, I’m simply too much. [ Laughter ] I — I come to you as
a carefree, platinum blond. [ Laughter ] But I haven’t always been
a carefree, platinum blond. [ Laughter ] I was actually born
and raised as a brunette. [ Laughter ] But I’ve been a platinum blond
for about five years now, except for a month-long period
somewhere in the middle, where I had a suspicious mole
on my back that I had to get removed and biopsied. For that period, I went back
to being a brunette because I thought, “No no. Blond Juilo
can’t deal with that.” [ Laughter ] That sounds like a job
for a brunette. [ Laughter ] I — I just updated
the software on my iPhone. [ Sighs ] [ Laughter ] And I was mortified to find out
that when you update your software, what used to be
the shooting star emoji becomes a meteor. [ Laughter ] Now, I don’t know if Apple knows
that the difference is monumental. [ Laughter ] Because, of course,
a shooting star emoji was this gorgeous stroke
of iridescence. It’d go from a very deep blue
to a very soothing baby blue to, like, ah! [ Laughter ] The meteor, on the other hand,
is this aggressive orange ball of fire. [ Laughter ] So for the longest time,
I thought I was being flirty when really,
I was being a psychopath. [ Laughter ] I’d get text messages being
like, “Hey, Julio. Will I see you later?”
And I’d be like, “I don’t know. Maybe.” Ah! [ Laughter ] When really I was going,
“Maybe!” [ Laughter ] I — [ Cheers and applause ] I — I brought this up
to the genius at the Mac store. [ Laughter ] And he said, “Sir, I have
to move on with my life.” [ Laughter ] As you can probably tell by now,
my favorite color is clear, followed closely by shiny. [ Light laughter ] I first remember the first time
I ever fell in love with the color clear. I was a little boy, and I saw
Cinderella’s pretty little feet going into that glass slipper. When I saw that, I was like,
“What is that? [ Laughter ] Mother, let’s rewind.” [ Laughter ] And she was like,
“Rewind to what?” And I’m like,
“You know to what. [ Laughter ] To the shoe.” [ Light laughter ] You know, a lot keeps me up
at night these days. [ Laughter ] But — okay. Remember that scene in
“Cinderella” where she has to rush out of the ball,
and she leaves behind that glass slipper? The prince finds the shoe, and
this is all has has left of her. But then, presumably, there’s
a scene where the prince goes to his subjects and he goes,
“Have every maiden in the kingdom try this on
until you find the girl I met at the ball.” But I bet there were like,
“Or… [ Laughter ] …you could just come with us
and look at their faces.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And he was probably like,
“But who would we use the shoe?” [ Laughter ] You know, just because you have
a tool doesn’t mean that you have to use it. Okay, unless there’s
any questions, thank you all. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Band plays ] -Julio Torres! Follow Julio on Twitter
@JulioTheSquare.

100 Replies to “Julio Torres Stand-Up”

  1. This feels like being skinned alive with the intensity of a morse code reading of War and Peace. Seriously end this. Forever.

  2. For all those people in the comments saying that if you don't like this or think it is funny then you just don't appreciate dry humor or dead pan humor or just don't "get it"…

    I get it. I understood the jokes. I just didn't think they were funny at all. I am a huge fan of dead pan and dry humor. I have even played characters on stage that are in that vain. So it isn't that I can't find the humor or don't get the humor. I just think he could have done much better in the delivery. His saying "umm" like every other word and stammering about in his delivery seems like it is to compensate for not being as funny as it should be. Some of the jokes have potential but his timing is so off because he is so concentrated on playing a "character" that it just distracts from the comedy.

    So maybe all of you who "get it" and laughed and accuse others of not finding the comedy in this or understanding it…well, maybe you all are just easier to make laugh and do not require that much for something to be funny. Maybe instead of chastising other people for having an honest opinion that is different from your own…you should get your heads out of your asses and…I dunno…realize that not everyone appreciates mediocre comedy — even people who appreciate this genre of comedy.

    Remember…just because someone disagrees with you or doesn't "get it" the way you do does not make them less intelligent than you or mean that their sense of humor is lacking compared to yours.

    How narcissistic (especially of you young people) to associate disagreement and difference of opinion to intelligence and lack of sense of humor.

    In my opinion, which is both intelligent and educated…this lacked humor because of timing. That is my opinion. Is it different than yours? Maybe. Is that okay? Sure. Does it mean you or I are any better than anyone else at saying what is good and what is bad? No. Comedy, like all other arts, is subjective. Subjective. Do you all know the definition of that word? It is fairly obvious these days that many people do not. It is like having a difference of opinion makes you less. Social Media has created a generation of narcissists who cannot handle someone disagreeing with them. Sad.

  3. The only negative comments I see are people talking about others leaving negative comments, yet I haven’t seen those negative comments so the people who are commenting negatively about those leaving negative comments are just being negative.

  4. So dry lol. Love the deadpan. The sense of timing you have to have is RIDICULOUS, but he makes it look easy.

  5. I've been waiting and hoping Julio would blow up, and ppl would get to appreciate his perfect timing. Seems Bill Hader took notice. I'm stoked everyone gets to see this funny breath of fresh air

  6. EVERYONE GO WATCH LOS ESPOOKYS – first episode is on youtubes HBO for free and he is equally as hilarious in it!!!

  7. I LOVE HIS SENSE OF HUMOR BUT HE STOLE THAT “MY FAVORITE COLORS ARE CLEAR AND SHINY” JOKE FROM A DRAG QUEEN FROM RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE WILLAM BELLI WHO IS ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL!! That doesn’t mean he intentionally stole it or that he is a bad comedian just wanted to mention it. YOU SHOULD GO CHECK OUT WILLAM BELLI’S YOUTUBE CHANNEL ESPECIALLY HIS OLDER VIDEOS FROM LIKE SEVERAL YEARS AGO! AND ALSO GO CHECK OUT OTHER VIDEOS OF JULIO TORRES! FUNNY SHIT

  8. He's funny, adorable, and quite brilliant. Some of the sketches and videos he has written for SNL are genuinely hilarious. Big future ahead. Big.

  9. I’m sure the guy is funny, I’m a huge fan of the deadpan style I.e. nate bargatze. I just can’t make it through because of how much he says uhh/um.

  10. I just finished watching Los Espookys EPS 1 .. 😆 and then this is my next suggestion . Not complaining

  11. I just watched the first two episodes have Los Espookys… if you dig this style of humor, you will love the show! Julio is hilariously ridiculous 🙂

  12. Every kid from this generation schtick is rge whole "I'm the awkward person" rather it b in comedy, rap, or acting.

  13. You know, what he said about the shoe and the quest through all the meetings and all the land. It really makes you think. They probably used to tell that story differently and it got changed over time. I bet there used to be some kind of identical twin. And he couldn't tell the difference between the two sisters. And then he had to find the shoe. Actually, that doesn't make sense, because an identical twin would still probably have the same shoe size.

  14. Oh look Gen Z has finally been exposed to a deadpan comic and now there's a race to feel cultured by who can pretend to like it the most in the comment section. This is pure shit. Look up Mitch Hedberg.

  15. YouTube play so many adds, like ppl are not able to control themselves and they would just run to buy the stuff they’re advertising. Like, no.

  16. People are laughing ??? And hes basically just talking saying a story ..??? How is that funny????….i was brunette… audience laugh???

  17. Do any of these people that think this is brilliant dead pan comedy think norm McDonald is funny? Norm is purposefully trying to be unfunny. Maybe I'm missing it. I don't feel for a second that is this guys goal.

  18. 😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴🐒😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴

  19. The scare quote for "genius" is like a dad joke that's aged long enough to become cool and funny again for people like Julio to use

    I guess this is the dril effect

  20. Okay, I'm calling it, Aubrey Plaza and Julio are going to come out in a movie where they're siblings, sometime in the future. If not I got some ideas.

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