Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN —
KEVIN HART. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
LET ME HEAR YOU! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES. YES.
SO EXCITED TO BE HERE, MAN. SO MANY AMAZING THINGS GOING ON
RIGHT NOW. WHERE DO I START?
FIRST AND FOREMOST, JUMANJI. I HAVE THAT COMING OUT SOON.
EXCITED ABOUT THAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
. I CAN TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT
THIS IS MY THIRD TIME HOSTING “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.”
MY THIRD TIME ON THIS STAGE. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
I’M ABOUT TO GO ON MY THIRD TOUR, IRRESPONSIBLE TOUR.
I’M EXCITED ABOUT THAT, PEOPLE. BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT
NOW. I JUST HAD MY THIRD BABY.
I JUST HAD BABY NUMBER THREE. YES.
YES, I DID. I CAN ADMIT TO EVERYBODY THAT I
WASN’T — I WASN’T EXCITED ABOUT HAVING A BABY IN THE BEGINNING,
WHEN WE HAD THE IDEA OF HAVING A BABY, I WASN’T THRILLED.
I DIDN’T KNOW IF I WANTED THE BABY.
THAT’S ME BEING HONEST. DON’T JUDGE ME.
I’M BEING HONEST. THE REASON Y I HAVE GOT TWO
ALREADY, MY DAUGHTER IS 12, MY SON IS 10.
I DID IT ALREADY. I TOLD HER, THEY YOUR BABIES,
TOO. SHE SAID I KNOW, BUT THEY ARE
OLD AND I WANT A NEW ONE. I SAID FIRST OF ALL DON’T TALK
ABOUT MY KIDS LIKE USED CAR. THEY RUN PERFECTLY FINE.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE KIDS. THE THING FOR ME, I DIDN’T WANT
TO DEAL WITH THE 2-YEAR-OLD AGE AGAIN.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD CHILD.
ALL THE YOU DO IS REPEAT YOURSELF ALL DAY TO A 2-YEAR-OLD
CHILD. THAT’S ALL YOU DO.
YOU SAY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO A 2-YEAR-OLD
CHILD. HEY, HEY, WHAT DID I SAY?
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME. NO.
WHAT DID I SAY? LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME. WHAT I — WHAT DID I SAY.
NO. LOOK, LOOK, AHH.
NO. LOOK.
AHHH. WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS AHHH? THAT’S NOT EACH A WORD BUT WE
MADE IT A WORD. GO BEHIND A STRANGER THAT YOU
DON’T KNOW AND GO AHHH. I BET THEY DUCK.
IT ALWAYS FOLLOWS WITH A HIT. I BET THEY DUCK.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE TOO MANY PATIENTS.
I DON’T LIKE YOUNGER WOMEN THAT ARE MAKING OLDER MAN HAVE THESE
BABIES. I WAS AT A PARK, I SAW
60-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH A 2-YEAR-OLD BABY.
IT DISGUSTED ME. HE COULDN’T KEEP UP WITH THE
BABY. THE BABY WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM.
HE WAS TREATING THE BABY LIKE THE BABY WAS A LOOSE BASKETBALL
AT A PLAYGROUND. LOOK OUT.
MAN, THAT’S MY BABY. PASS IN A BABY BACK THE ME.
COMING DOWN THE SIDE BOARD. THAT’S MY BABY.
HEY, PASS THAT BABY BACK TO ME, PLEASE.
HE COULDN’T BEND HIS KNEES. HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE
BABY EQUIPMENT. HE KEPT TRYING THE TALK TO ME TO
GET ME TO DO THINGS FOR HIM. YOU, MY MAN, RIGHT THERE, COME
HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THIS
STROLLER DOWN. OKAY?
LIKE I GOT IT UP, I GOT IT UP, YOU ABOUT I CAN’T GET IT DOWN.
LIKE I TOOK VIE IING A RE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
AFTERWARDS. I SAID IT IS A NEW STROLLER, ET
CETERA A TOUCH AND RELEASE. YOU TAP THE BUTTON IN THE MILL,
THE VOLUMER IS GOING TO COLLAPSE.
HE SAID CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW TO DO IT.
I TAPPED THE BUTTON IN THE MIDDLE AND THE STROLLER
COLLAPSED. HE LOST IT.
I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. HE SAID CAN I GOT YOU TO FOLLOW
ME TO MY CAR AND HELP ME PROPERLY STRAP MY BABY IN THE
CAR SEAT. I SAID WHAT?
HE SAID LET’S HYPOTHETICALLY SAY I DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT ON THE WAY
OVER HERE. I MADE A LEFT AND MY BABY SLID
TO THE RIGHT AND SMACKED HER HEAD.
LONG STORY SHORT, I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS GUY’S KIDS FOR THE
LAST TWO WEEKS. TRUE STORY.
I HAVE TO SAY THIS, I HAVE TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO THE WOMEN
WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING THE KIDS.
YOU DO SO MUCH. I TAKE MY HAT OFF.
WHEN IT COMES TO PUTTING STRUCTURE IN THE BABY’S LIFE,
BATHING, FEETING THEM, TAKING THEM TO SCHOOL, FROM SCHOOL.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. I APPLAUD YOU FOR THAT.
BUT THE ONE THING YOU ARE NOT, ONE THING YOU ARE NOT IS FUN.
I KNOW WHEN YOU FIRST HEAR, THAT YOU GET AN ATTITUDE.
WHAT? I’M FUN.
THAT’S A LIE. YOU A LIAR.
I’M FUN. NO, YOU ARE NOT.
YOU ARE NOT. YOU NEVER HEARD A KID SAY, I
CAN’T WAIT TO GET HOME AND PLAY WITH MY MOM.
YOU AIN’T NEVER HEARD THAT I CAN’T WAIT FOR MOMMY AND ME
TIME. THAT DON’T EXIST.
DON’T NO KIDS SAY THAT. ALL THE FUN RESPONSIBILITY LIES
ON THE SHOULDER OF THE FATHER. IT DOES.
I KNOW RIGHT NOW WOMEN YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME SAYING SO WHAT, IF
IT DOES, JUST PLAY WITH THE KID. WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IS
THAT THE FUN BECOMES THE HARDEST JOB BECAUSE THE KID DOES NOT
KNOW HOW TO SHUT FUN OFF. LET ME TELL YOU THE SCARIEST
THING FOR A MAN TO SEE A EVER A LONG DAY OF WORK.
HE’S TIRED. THE SCARE YESZ THING FOR A MAN
TO SEE WHEN HE OPENS UP THAT DOOR REAL SLOW IS THAT BABY WITH
LOT OF ENERGY ON THE OTHER SIDE. OH, YEAH!
I’M READY TO PLAY, DADDY! I’M GOING TO PLAY THAT GAME
WHERE YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND I KEEP OPENING THEM BACK UP.
I WANT TO DO THAT. I WANT TO JUMP ON YOUR NECK,
DADDY! THAT’S A BAD GAME, MAN.
YOU GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE AS A MAN TO DEAL WITH
THAT. A LOT.
SOME MEN HAVE IT. SOME DON’T.
I’LL MAKE A BET RIGHT NOW, I’LL MAKE A BET THAT EVERY MAN IN
THIS AUDIENCE THAT HAS A CHILD HAS DONE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY
AT LEAST ONE TIME. LONG DAY OF WORK.
IN YOUR CAR, DRIVE HOME. YOU PULL THIS THE DRIVEWAY.
AS SOON AS YOU PULL IN THE DRIVEWAY THAT BABY WITH ALL THAT
ENERGY GETS IN THE BLINDS AND SEES YOU.
OH, YEAH, DADDY ABOUT TO PULL UP.
YOU SEE THE BABY. YOU SEE THE BABY SEE YOU SEE THE
BABY. AND YOU BACK OUT THAT DRIVEWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] WE HAVE GOT AN AMAZING SHOW FOR
YOU GUYS TONIGHT, EVERYBODY. FOO FIGHTERS ARE HERE TONIGHT.
YES! STICK AROUND.
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

100 Replies to “Kevin Hart Stand-Up Monologue – SNL”

  1. Respect to kev but Dave Chappell had one of the best snl monologues and standing ovations of all time. OF ALL TIME. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

  2. People blow this whole cheating thing out of the water because he's famous. Obviously cheating isn't good, but it happens a lot of the time and people forgive people for cheating. So just forget about it and move on with your lives

  3. It's OUR responsibility to basically "raise" the kid….while the father "plays" with them? That's the funniest joke EVER!!!

  4. Not funny. No jokes. Just an attitude of being bothered by things + energy. If you're into him, I guess that's enough.

  5. PLEASE READ !!!!! Yall go peep my channel !! Iโ€™m a upcoming rapper from Charlotte, Nc living in Houston, Tx. Ainโ€™t no point in wasting your time… God Blesss

  6. Why can't I see the video? On the entire SNL channel it is always just a black screen the whole way through. Does someone know what's wrong?

  7. Third tour? Third kid? 33! Freemason! Sold his soul to SATAN. Everyone you see on any mainstream media is FREEMASONIC SATAN WORSHIPPING GARBAGE. Boycott the DEVIL

  8. Not funny not funny not funny… why is this guy so successful?… He dOesn't even appear confident on stage. I think he gets a lot of charity laughs for being shoryr

  9. Mr. Hart, the 90's called. They would like you to neatly re-package their gender stereotypes before returning them, thank you.

  10. Whew….thats better. Sorry I just got here from this hit piece of an article talking shit about this video using cherry picked comments to talk about how sexist and 2017 this video is. Don't think I've ever been so happy to see the YouTube comments again. Man those butthurt, taking everything personal, control freak, not knowing wtf comedy is creeps got to me.

  11. Well he said he don't like these younger women making these older men have these young kids….. how about that old bastard stop slanging dick getting these younger bitches pregnant if they know their old asses can't keep up with. Check ur old ass in with an old broad that u know u can't get pregnant if not try beating ur meat til u drop dead.

  12. KEVIN HART a.k.a. MR.COMEDIAN. BEST COMEDIAN HERO IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN CENTURY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  13. Wasnโ€™t that funny but he still made his money from there ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™‚๏ธ

  14. My dad got shot when I was 15 months old so I am excited for mommy and me time and I do play soccer with my mom. So HA Kevin Hart. HA.

  15. Lol. He cheated so what lost of guys do, rich men poor men presidents who the fuck cares, if he wasnt famous u wouldnt give a damn. How about complain about homelessness or bigger issues than who this man is laying the pipe too. Dumb bitches

  16. Can we all just agree to stop arguing over Kevin's mistakes in his personal life. He's a human being. When it comes down to it he is still one seriously funny and gifted comedian.

  17. My daddy looked at me, backed out of the driveway, and I havenโ€™t seen him since. Itโ€™s been 4 years. Iโ€™m 34 now.

  18. People who've watched the irresponsible tours will realize that he's improvised the "dealing with 2 year olds" joke in like 10 different promotions but it made us laugh every single time… That's why he's one of the best stand up talents of the generation. period.

  19. That's some weird inertia that old guy is working with. He took a left turn and his baby slid to the left instead of the right. That's insane. 3:50

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