Living with Your Ex-Boyfriend – Megan Gailey

I was performing
at a barn in northern Wisconsin– I’ll do autographs after,
please– and they emailed me ahead
of time, and they were like, “We just want to warn you that
you might not do very well here, “because our audiences
don’t respond positively to female-centered humor.” So I was like, “Okay.” Let me take off
these tampon earrings. And then I started to get so
offended, because I was like, I don’t feel like my jokes
are female-centered. Like, I feel like my jokes
could be performed by any gay black man, so… [laughter] Don’t try and pigeonhole me. You don’t know anything
about me. Sometimes I want waffles
and I order fruit. Shit is hard for me. That’s a female-centered
brunch joke. Thank you. [laughter] I have a boyfriend, so… [cheering] I know. I know–well… I–it took me a while. This is my first one ever,
and… the first one is so exciting, ’cause, like, if I go missing, there’s finally a suspect,
you know? Like…she was loved. I like him a lot. Well, we broke up. But… it’s tricky,
’cause we live together. So when we broke up, I was like, “Do you
have enough money to move out?” And he was like, “No. Do you have enough money
to move out?” And I was like, “No,” so. We’re back together! [laughter and applause] Yay. You’re so in love. I kind of tricked him
into getting back together, besides the financial handcuffs
we were in. I took him on a romantic getaway
to Sleepy Hollow, New York. I wanted it to be, like,
a romantic trip, so I brought all this lingerie, but then I kept getting too full
at every meal. I would just hold the lingerie
in front of my body while I wore my regular pajamas. Like… [laughter] There’s so much dairy
in New York. It’s just…it’s like, if you think I’m gonna eat
four kinds of brie and then fuck you,
you’re crazy. Like… I’ma watch Dateline
and fall asleep. So I sort of–I–
I felt bad, ’cause the trip did not go
as planned, so I was like, you know what,
on the last day, I’ll give him a blow job. For me, the only place
I’ll give a blow job is in the shower. I feel very safe there,
’cause it’s like–it is– it’s not–it’s the best place. It’s a–you’re already wet, you can clean it up
a little bit, tears are welcome,
whatever. It’s a nice, safe sanctuary. [laughter] So we’re–we’re–we’re in the–
we’re in the shower, and I get down on my knees, and he looks down at me,
and he yells, “Don’t drown.” [laughter] And my response was, “I don’t know what other girls
you’ve dated, but I’ll stop
before that happens.” [laughter] Like, I don’t need this
that much. Like, this isn’t a mission I have to see through
to the end. This isn’t Apollo 11 for me, like, I’ll check out
at any moment. I’m not that dedicated
of a person. I haven’t even finished
“Breaking Bad.” I’m not gonna suck a dick
till I die. [laughter and applause] You guys have been so much fun. I’m Megan Gailey. [cheers and applause]

22 Replies to “Living with Your Ex-Boyfriend – Megan Gailey”

  1. 🍔 I open the door for a man a couple of days ago it was funny. because I didn't open it for the girl next to me they were all confused funny

  2. She was funny but she also started by saying her jokes aren't female centered then proceeds to tell female centered jokes haha.

  3. Honestly this wasn’t funny her attempts at humor were really uncomfortable the audience pity laughed several times cause they felt bad

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