Louis Katz – Louis and the Tramp – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


You know, God closes a door
and then he opens a window and my window happened
to be a giant, ethnically ambiguous punk rock
chick with big titties. Looking like if The Rock
was a Suicide Girl.[dark electronic music]♪ ♪– Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” [moaning] I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr. Ooh, nice teeth. [roaring] You boys have a good time. [whip snaps] Oh-hoh.Ladies.[muffled] Tonight’s episode
is all about romance. [cheers and applause] This gentleman has
a brand-new stand up album titled,
“If These Balls Could Talk.” Please give it up
for my friend Louis Katz. [cheers and applause] – So I’ve always been
a very romantic guy. And then at some point,
something took a turn in me and I became very cynical. It’s hard to pinpoint
exactly when that happened, but if I had to take a wild
guess, I’d say it could be, uh, July 2, 2006,
at 8:53 in the morning. That was when my six-year
relationship that was supposed to end in marriage instead
ended when I found out for the last two of those
six years, she was fucking
another dude. [crowd oohs] Yeah. It’s weird figuring out that someone you’re with
is cheating on you. It’s kinda like solving
a murder mystery. Except you’re the victim. I should have seen it coming.
All the signs were there. You know, she was distant,
she wasn’t returning my phone calls as quickly as
she used to, her pussy tasted like dick. [laughter] My friends were trying
to cheer me up. They’d be like, oh,
don’t worry, at least you’ll get
some good material out of it. All I got was that pussy tastes
like dick joke. Not worth it. I was super depressed. I couldn’t stop thinking
about it. I even invented my own
sex move as a way to try and get back at her,
kinda like the Donkey Punch or the Dirty Sanchez. I invented my own move.
I called it the Vengeful Louie. And here’s how it works. You find out a girl’s cheating
on you, but you act
like everything’s cool, right? Then you go in for
the make-up sex, right? And then right before
you’re about to come, you pull out,
then you start crying, she leaves, and you
never trust anyone ever again. [laughter] The Vengeful Louie. No, being cheated on, it really
fucked me up, man. I was completely broken. And I thought the only way
I’d ever get better would be if I fell in love
again. And I didn’t think
that was possible. I was in that mindset still
a year later doing a gig in
Portland, Oregon. And after the show,
I’m looking for a place to eat. I finally find
one place that’s open, but sitting out front blocking
the door are two gutter punks. All right–one person knows. Gutter punks, of course,
they’re like, you know, the young, rock and roll
homeless. Always got all the patches
on their clothes, and the tats, and the piercings,
looking like a band that went camping and then got
super lost. Always got a dog that’s somehow
cleaner than all of them. And as I get close to the door, I’m about to walk in, instead
of asking me for change, they get up,
follow me into the restaurant. Turns out,
they weren’t homeless; they were the wait staff. Yeah, it can be hard to tell
in Portland, where everyone’s dressed like
they’re in some stage of camping. So I go inside and I notice
that the one that’s helping me out,
she’s actually kinda cute. I’m thinking, oh, I’ve gotta
say something cool to impress
this fine-ass gutter server. So I’m like, you know, I’m
just travelling through town, you know, I’m a stand-up
comedian. I tour all over the place. She’s like,
oh, that’s really cool, I love to travel too. I actually used to
hop on trains. I went, that’s so funny,
because when I first saw you I thought you were homeless. Classic pickup line. Believe it or not, it worked. I got her number,
and I started talking on the phone regularly with
the most uniquely beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my life. You’ve never
seen anyone like her. I mean, she was nearly six feet
tall, part black, part white, part Native American,
part Hawaiian. So you see her, and you’re like
oh, she must be the first of a new master race
of Amazonian super women. Or like the world’s
largest Filipino. Plus, she had all that
gutter punk style. You know, with the tats
and the piercings. And she had purple hair
and it was shaved on the side I’m just like, oh,
this is perfect, you know. I could totally picture her
defending my honor as we roam through a
post-apocalyptic wasteland. It was amazing.
It was as if the universe was making up
for me being cheated on by bringing me
my dream girl. You know, God closes a door
and then he opens a window and my window happened
to be a giant, ethnically ambiguous punk rock
chick with big titties. [applause] Looking like if The Rock
was a Suicide Girl. So we’re talking on the phone,
it’s that early stage of the relationship,
we’re just getting to know each other and it’s like every
new thing I’m learning about her is just making me more
and more into her, you know. I found out she used to do
heroin, so that’s interesting. She was starting to strip.
Like, cool, we both work in night clubs. She stabbed a skinhead–
living the dream! She had a baby. She’s totally
down to fuck, awesome! But between the baby and the
possible manslaughter charge, I’m thinking I should
not see her anymore. So I fly out to Portland
to see her some more. [scattered applause] We meet up, she shows up,
she’s already pretty drunk, proceeds to get drunker. We end up sleeping
together but we don’t have sex, ’cause like I said
she’s very drunk, and also remember,
she’s almost six feet tall. It’s very awkward trying
to have sex with someone that much bigger than you. Less of a doggy style,
more of a jockey style. You know? [laughter] So we wake up in the morning, she’s like, hey,
can you get me a beer? I’m like, okay.
I get her a beer and she chugs the beer. She’s like, could you
get me another beer? I’m like, all right.
Get her another beer. She chugs the beer.
Apparently she was playing some kind of one-woman
drinking game. Called alcoholism. But after chugging only two
beers, she was pretty sober– relatively, for her. And we’re having
a great time. You know, we’re just fooling
around, making each other laugh. She was super funny.
She always called me the one of two things. She either called me toots, like some kind of Waffle House
waitress named Trixie. Or woman. That’s a funny thing
to call a dude. And we’re sitting there messing
around in bed, and I’m
just kissing her all over, and I keep kissing her,
I’m not even thinking that I’m doing it, but I keep
kissing her here and here. And at one point she just kinda
nonchalantly just stops me, she goes, hey,
why are you doing that? And I didn’t even realize
it until she said it, but I was kissing her
on these scars she had from where
she tried to kill herself. [crowd exclaims] I was super embarrassed
at the time, you know? I just revealed so much
about both of us. We were naked
but all the sudden, it got way more intimate
than either of us wanted it to be,
you know? I mean, there’s so many weird
things I could’ve been doing in bed with her that would’ve been
so much easier to explain
why I was doing. Like if I was just perched
on the edge of the bed, just flicking my nut sack. Staring at her.
She’d be like, why are you doing that? Well, let me take you to the scrotum flicker’s subreddit. There’s a whole bunch of us.
We’re a community. But I didn’t know how
to explain why I was kissing
her suicide scars like some kinda living
Morrissey lyric. [cheers and applause] I guess I could’ve
tried to explain myself. Like, I don’t know,
you got daddy issues, I’m kissing your boo boos. I’ve got a savior complex, you’ve got wounds
on your wrists. I mean, isn’t it obvious? This is just my way
of asking you will you go codependent
with me? She leaves, and I have this
horrible feeling in my stomach. And I realize I have
fallen in love again. And I knew it was
gonna end badly, but to me
that was the best part. You know, shit wasn’t gonna
go down like it did with the last girl, you know? My ex had stabbed
me in the back; this girl would never do that. She’d stab me right
in the face. And yeah, I knew
it was gonna hurt. But after being cheated on, that’s what I thought
love was like. It hurt. You know, it wasn’t
all bells ringing And birds chirping. No, that was a fantasy. That kind of love
was one of those things that only happens
in the movies. And like wacky food fights. And double penetration. No, this is how
real love felt. You know what I mean?
It was scary it was painful and it was gonna tear me up from the inside. Like double penetration. So we– We keep having this
long-distance relationship. Seeing each other
on and off again, over the course of the year. I would always love talking
to her, because whenever
I had a bad day, she would always cheer me up. Like, I remember this one
day I was really struggling with this new queef joke
I was working on. So I call her up, I’m like,
I really gotta talk to you. She’s like, I really gotta
talk to you too. I got evicted
from my apartment, they fired me from my job,
and they took away my baby. I can’t even begin to imagine bringing up the queef joke now. That’s a lot of problems
for one person to deal with, but I’m like, this is not
a problem for me. I can solve this,
I can save you, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna buy you a ticket
from Portland down to L.A., you can come stay with me
while we put you in a rehab, and I did it right there
and then. Bought the ticket,
she flew down the next day. Huge mistake. ‘Cause it wasn’t true. She couldn’t live with me, because I live with my parents. Yeah, kind of an unspoken
rule at my folks’ place. Don’t bring home any
alcoholic stripper hobos if they’re not Jewish. [applause] So now we’re holed up
in a seedy motel less than a mile
from my parents’ nice house. I’m constantly paranoid my mom’s gonna drive by
and see us. I’m sneaking her food from
their kitchen, “E.T.” style. Or “Stranger Things” style,
if you’re closer to her age. And finally,
after about a week, I find a rehab that has
room for her. We put her in,
and she starts following the program and getting better. It just felt so great,
you know? It’s like, wow, it’s like a
good deed that I can fuck. And time passes, I’m not really
hearing from her. It sounds like she’s following
the program and sobering up And I’m thinking, wow,
you know, this is amazing. You know, we’re not together,
but this is the happy ending
I was looking for. Then I get a call from her. She ran away from the rehab with a street poet
named Trashcan. Now she’s living on the streets and she’s back on heroin. Yeah, that’s the thing
with this girl, you know how addicts have to hit rock bottom
before they can quit something? She would hit a rock bottom, and then drill through
that rock bottom to find a new deeper,
shittier rock bottom like some kind of life fracker. So now I’m getting random calls
from her while she’s homeless. At one point,
Trashcan calls me– very charming guy,
I get it. And I get one
last call from her. She calls me up.
She says, Trashcan is dead. I don’t know what to do.
You gotta help me. I go, shit, how’d he die? She said, he said he would
kill himself if I left him. And I did, and he did. God damn, Trashcan
is a man of his word. I mean, that’s the real
romantic, right there. How am I supposed to
compete with that? There isn’t enough
chocolate-covered pineapple in the world
for that Edible Arrangement. I’m like, look, I don’t know
what you want from me, I already flew you down from Portland to Los Angeles, I struggled and fought to get
you into rehab, I put you in the rehab,
and still you manage to fuck it all up. So why don’t you stop
calling me, lose my number. And I hang up on her. So I’m driving to pick her up. Decide I’m gonna drive her
to the Greyhound station over in Hollywood, get her
a ticket back to Portland. She can go be
a homeless junkie where she knows
the bus schedule. And we get to the station,
but instead of walking
in to buy the ticket with me, she decides she’s gonna
lie down on the ground in the middle of
the parking lot, started screaming, crying,
and throwing a fit. Luckily it is
a Greyhound parking lot, so that kinda thing happens,
like, every hour, on the hour. I’m standing there trying
to reason with this clearly unreasonable person,
and as I’m talking to her, three older well-dressed white
ladies start coming at me, looking like Nick-at-Nite
moms coming from a bake sale. I was scared of
my mom catching me, now I got three moms
and they’re coming at us fast. And they’re asking questions
in a typical mom fashion. You know what I mean? Like, concerned, but also a dash of disapproval
on top of there. First I get kinda defensive, like, look, can’t a man
attempt to abandon a young girl in a Greyhound parking
lot without being judged? But they did seem like
they actually wanted to help. You know, they were checking
her vitals, and making sure she stays conscious
and stuff like that. So I’m thinking, like,
oh, maybe they’re nurses. And one of them pulls
me aside and goes like, this is really serious,
we’ve gotta get her out of here quick,
because if we don’t, the psychiatrists
are gonna come and they’re
gonna pump her full of drugs. Yeah, I was just worried about getting her on the bus, I didn’t know we had
to look out for psychiatrist street gangs. Whose turf is this?
The Freudian Crypts? Or the Young Jungians? Finally I put it together
in my head: irrational fear of psychiatry,
we’re in Hollywood, they’re not nurses;
they’re Scientologists. [crowd groans, laughs] They didn’t come from
a bake sale. They came from praying
to Xenu the Galactic Overlord. All praises due upon him,
no disrespect. [scattered applause] Still trying to make it
in show business. Then I’m thinking, like,
I don’t know. Maybe Scientology
would be a good option for her. If she ever quits heroin,
she’ll need an equally
time-consuming hobby. Maybe Tom Cruise will come
through and save the day. That’s right.
The originator of jockey style. And then at one point, even
these nice ladies are like, We don’t know what else we can
do for her. They’re like,
we’re gonna call 911. I’m like,
wait, don’t do that. I get down on my knees
and start whispering right in her ear, like, saying,
like, look toots, stop fuckin’ around, they’re gonna call the police. I don’t want you to go to jail. Please get up right now. And as I’m talking to her, her head gets heavy in my hand, I can’t find a pulse, and she
doesn’t seem to be breathing. So they call 911,
an ambulance comes screaming into the parking lot. Somehow they manage
to revive her. As soon as she comes to, she
starts kicking and screaming, freaking out even worse
than before. It takes two large EMT guys
to restrain her. And they strap her down to
the gurney, and they’re pushing her to the ambulance,
and there’s tears and mascara pouring down her face,
and before they close the doors I’m like, look toots, please,
just listen to the doctors. do what they say,
you’ll get better. She goes,
I’m never getting better! And it just kinda knocks
the wind out of me, ’cause I realize, you know,
like, maybe she’s right. You know, maybe she’s never
getting better ’cause maybe nobody ever
really gets better. You know, I thought if I fixed
her, it would fix me. But I couldn’t do it. I wish I could, but
I wish I knew how, I wish there was some kind of instruction
manual for fixing people. And the ambulance drives off, and one of the ladies
comes up to me with a kind look in her eyes
and she says, have you ever read
“Dianetics”? [laughter, applause] And that was the moment
I stopped being a romantic. [cheers and applause] Thank you guys very much.
Good night.♪ ♪– Louis Katz,
ladies and gentleman.
[cheers and applause]

100 Replies to “Louis Katz – Louis and the Tramp – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored”

  1. I always love seeing the occasional audience member who is offended and must visually demonstrate that they are not amused.

  2. I feel your pain. It is so hard to let go of a woman with wonderful titties. It's like selling a leather recliner on Craigslist that your dead dog used to snuggle in with you. Watching Jumanji all the live long day.

  3. In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ

  4. See this is actually good, every two lines I was laughing. Yet on a 3M with some fake bullshit story, everyone is like "Wow so hilarious, cumin this cumin that, I'm original".

  5. Kind of a weird thing to say but….
    I have the same glasses as himπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  6. tragic story, but he is one of the most genius comics i've never seen before. Holy shit!

    Side note, that white girl with the choker behind him is the realest crowd member that appreciates this genius.

  7. Kissing slashed throat scare tissue; that's not as bad as sucking on a nipple and getting milk, then waking up in the morning and seeing a pimple on her tit with a hickey around it.

  8. Everybody got that ending. This guy knows how to connect. RIP, Trashcan. "I will remember you….dodo dopbomdop! WIll you remember me?…"

  9. As a crust punk (gutter punk's, angrier, slightly more depressed sibling), this set really hit home for me. I knew a lot of people like this chick and how he talks about her sounds spot on with how a lot of us are. We're sad and pissed off at the world, but have no idea how to change it without breaking our code of ethics, and that takes a toll on us. A lot of us (including myself) turn to substances for an escape, and to each other to feel like we're not alone. It's a tough crowd, but we look out for each other all the same. I really, really hope this girl got better and is at least happier now than before. This was an awesome set, this dude has some of the wittiest punchlines I've heard in a minute, and storytelling well beyond what I expected. I'm excited to see him grow as a comedian going forward and what he does from here. Much love from Indianapolis, Louis.

  10. Stand up comedy can't be too hard. Stupid ass audiences laugh at fucking anything that's supposed to be a joke. While you sit home and don't even crack a smile.

  11. A lot of comedians incorporate a 'sad story' into their sets but I really did not expect this here, the tragicomedy here was so good painful and intense and funny. Great job.

  12. This sounds like exactly the type of gross love story the would transpire in Portland. And the exact kind of mess of a woman you'd expect to find there.

  13. Hey, very similar thing happened in my life. The girl was a bipolar abusive narcissist with intimacy and trust issues, into all kinds of psychodelics shamanism witchcraft fake spirituality, yet so beautiful and romantic yearning for love and family. Tried to fix her, didn't work. Turned my life upside down, broke my heart. Loving her felt so good

  14. "Have you ever read Dienetics" OH MAH GAWD πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  15. 16:48 man I've never gone from laughter to deep sadness so fast.
    "I wish there was some kind of instruction manual for fixing people".

  16. No one does monogamy, ofcourse it's not natural first of all and just something the church has programmed people to do.😊
    The swinger lifestyle is the only lifestyle. Get a girl in the lifestyle and you will be happy forever. #lifehack

  17. "There isn't enough chocolate covered pineapple in the world for that edible arrangement!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

  18. Can we find a joke about scientology that doesnt have to do with Zenu and the gates of hell? Xenu or zenu what ever it's called, is a fictional character created by L. Ron Hubbard for science fiction novels that has literally nothing to do with scientology other than the writer. Like theres gotta be better jokes about it, like the stuff Leah Remini talks about "I saw a 4 year old and these work camps being made to lift an axe and chop wood" how tf 4 year olds lifting axes Leah? πŸ˜…

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