Maz Jobrani Stand-Up


( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>HEY, WHAT’S UP? ALL RIGHT! WHOO! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I’M EXCITED TO BE HERE. I’M EXHAUSTED BECAUSE I HAVE
YOUNG KIDS. I HAVE A 9-YEAR-OLD BOY AND A
6-YEAR-OLD GIRL. ANYBODY GOT YOUNG KIDS? ( CHEERING )
THEY’RE EXHAUSTING. IT’S SUMMER. YOU HAVE TO BE ON ALL THE TIME. I GO TO ALL OF THEIR SCHOOL
EVENTS. I WAS THERE AND I REALIZED MY
PARENTS NEVER CAME TO MY EVENTS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THEN I REALIZED WHEN YOU HAVE IMMIGRANT PARENTS YOU DON’T
WANT THEM TO COME TO YOUR SCHOOL EVENTS. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS BORN IN IRAN. WHEN IMMIGRANT COME TO SCHOOL
EVENTS, THEY OUT YOU. THEY’RE, LIKE, HELLO, WE ARE
IMMIGRANTS! AS SOON AS THEY WALK IN. YOU’RE LIKE, DAD! SHUT UP! ( LAUGHTER )
THEY THOUGHT I WAS ONE OF THEM! ( LAUGHTER )
YOUR DAD’S COMING UP. YOU KNOW, IN IRAN, WE ALSO HAD
FUNDRAISERS! LIKE, DAD, NOBODY LIKES IRAN! THEY THOUGHT WE WERE GREEK! ( LAUGHTER )
LISTEN, THIS WAS 35 YEARS AGO, NOBODY LIKED IRAN. STILL NOBODY LIKES IRAN. NOW WE HAVE THE MUSLIM BAN. I WASN’T AFRAID OF THE MUSLIM
BAN MYSELF BECAUSE HONEST TRUTH IS I’M NOT THAT RELIGIOUS. I WAS BORN IN IRAN, BUT I’M NOT
REALLY RELIGIOUS. I’M NOT REALLY MUSLIM, I’M MORE
LIKE MUSLIM-ISH. LIKE, THIS IS HOW MUSLIM I AM:
I CAN PLAY A MUSLIM IN A MOVIE. YOU’D GO SEE IT, YOU’D BELIEVE
IT. RIGHT? YOU GO TO A MOVIE, YOU SEE ME ON
THE SCREEN, “ALLAHU AKBAR!!! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT? RIGHT? YOU GO “OH, HE’S GOOD, LOOK AT
THAT. WOW.” “LEELEELEELEELEE.” “OH, HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE,
WOW!” BUT THE HONEST TRUTH IS I’M NOT
THAT RELIGIOUS, IF I WAS MUSLIM I’D HAVE TO FAST DURING RAMADAN,
I DON’T FAST DURING RAMADAN. I COULDN’T DRINK ALCOHOL, I
DRINK ALCOHOL. I WOULD HAVE TO PRAY FIVE TIMES
A DAY. I DON’T PRAY, I DON’T PRAY. THE ONLY TIME I PRAY IS IF I’M
ALMOST IN AN ACCIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN I JUST GO “OH, JESUS! ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S THE WRONG GOD! I JUST SAY “OH, JESUS!”
BECAUSE IT’S FASTER. “OH, JESUS!”
IT’S FAST. “OH, MOHAMMMMMED” TAKES TOO LONG. ( LAUGHTER )
I’M TELLING YA. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH. SO WITH THE MUSLIM BAN, I WASN’T
WORRIED. MY COUSIN
MAJID, THAT GUY IS SCREWED OKAY? HE PRAISE FIVE TIMES A DAY. HE FASTS DURING RAMADAN YOU
KNOW, HE’S GOT TO GO. HE’S GOT TO GO. I DIDN’T SAY IT, TRUMP SAID IT,
HE’S GOT TO GO. NO, I LOVE HIM, HE’S A NICE GUY,
BUT HE’S GOT TO GO. I’M JUST SAYING, IF THE F.B.I. SHOWS UP AT MY HOUSE AND GO “ARE
THERE ANY MUSLIMS?” I’D BE LIKE “YEAH, MAJID.” YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I’M NOT GOING TO LIE TO
THE F.B.I.! ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN TRUMP WON MY SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL COMES UP AND SAYS, DADDY,
AM I GOING TO BE DEPORTED? I SAID, NO, BUT COUSIN MAJI,
HE’S GOT TO GO. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS ACTUALLY AGAINST THE TRAVEL BAN BECAUSE THE TRAVEL
BAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR AMERICA’S SAFETY BUT NONE OF THE
COUNTRIES ON THE BAN HAD EVER COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERROR IN
AMERICA. I ACTUALLY WENT TO A PROTEST
AND I LEARNED THAT WHITE PEOPLE BORN IN AMERICA PROTEST
DIFFERENTLY THAN PEOPLE OF COLOR AND OTHER PEOPLE NOT BORN IN
AMERICA. WE’RE ALL PROTESTING, IT’S GOING
GREAT, WE’RE ALL JUST PROTESTING. THIS IS HOW I PROTEST. WE’RE JUST PROTESTING. THIS IS HOW I PROTEST, MAN. DON’T LAUGH AT MY PROTEST. THIS IS HOW I PROTEST. ( LAUGHTER )
EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT AND THEN THE RIOT POLICE CAME OUT
AND I WAS, LIKE, OH, SNAP! ( LAUGHTER )
I’M JUST GOING TO GO PROTEST OVER HERE FOR A MINUTE. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE WHITE DUDES DID NOT CARE, THEY JUST KEPT GOING, OUT
OF MY WAY, COPPER, HERE I COME, IT’S MY THIRD AMENDMENT RIGHT,
MY EIGHTH AMENDMENT RIGHT, MY 45th AMENDMENT RIGHT. I’M IN THE BACK — THERE’S 45
SNEAMENTS THE MEXICAN NEXT TO ME SAID, UH, NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M TELLING YA. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS HOW SCARED I WAS TO BE AT THE PROTESTT. I TOOK MY PASSPORT TO THE
PROTEST. ( LAUGHTER )
WHO TAKES THEIR PASSPORT TO A PROTEST? AN MILITARY, THAT’S WHO. I’M NOT GOING TO GET DEPORTED,
RIGHT? IF THEY TRIED TO ARREST ME,
OFFICER, I’M WITH YOU, GOD BLESS AMERICA. THAT’S RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, OFFICER, THAT’S RIGHT. YEAH, I’M WITH YOU. YOU WANT SOMEONE? COUSIN MAJI IS IN THE CAR RIGHT
OVER THERE. I’M MAZ JOBRANI.
THANK YOU GUYS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>James: MAZ JOBRANI,
EVERYBODY! WATCH “IMMIGRANT” ON NETFLIX
STARTING AUGUST 1!

14 Replies to “Maz Jobrani Stand-Up”

  1. Who cares if nobody like iran
    You got issues mate .
    What are you thinking or talking about?
    You must pay and be proud to be Iranian.
    To me you are nothing but a complex .
    Remember you must wish to be iranian.

  2. No body likes Iran coz they are Muslim (sheea) and they originally not Muslims they made their own religion.. The people in western countries don't know much about it, they think all Muslims r the same… When they convert to Islam they get a real understanding who are (sheaa's) and when they started and what they believe in.. In fact they are a group of people against Islam with a name of islam

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