Merman Rodney Dangerfield: Half Comedian, Half Fish


– I’m comin’, I’m comin’. Hey Mom, I’m sorry I’m
late for lunch, you know. (audience laughter) But I heard a funny joke. I was walkin’ along and
I saw this fat walrus. (seal barking) How fat was she? She was so fat when she went swimming she left a ring around the lake. I knew you’d like it, Pop. Listen, Mom, I’ve got
somethin’ to tell you. It’s really important, you know. (seal barks) Pop, I don’t wanna play ball. Put the ball down. Mom, I think I’ve reached the age where I gotta go out on my own. (seal barks) It’s nothing personal. The time has come for me to find a mate. (seal barks) Aw, don’t give me that. Every girl I went out with, you put down. How ’bout the flounder I met? I really liked her. I brought her home for dinner. And you ate her. (audience laughter) Mom, I’m your only son. Give me your blessing, will you? (seal barks) Thanks, Mom. I hope I can find a girl just like you. Only without the whiskers. (audience laughter) – [Jacques Clostoe] It was
at this fortuitous moment that we docked at the lagoon
with our ship, the Babalu. – I’ve got to hide. I mean, something smells fishy here. (sniffs) Why that’s me. (audience laughter) – Hello. Hello, anyone here? Bonjour, bonjour. Annette loves Frankie. (audience laughter) Aaah. The song of the conch shell
is irresistible to a mermaid. (horn sound) (audience laughter) (jazzy horn sound) (laughter and applause) – Hey, Pops, you blow a
mean conch, you know that? – Who are you? What are you doing here? – I live here. Who are you? – I am Jacques Cousteau,
world famous oceanographer. I am here in search of
the elusive mermaid. – A mermaid? – Oui. – What’s that? – A mythical sea creature who
from the waist down is a fish. But from the waist up is a, how you say, a great pair of water wings. – No kiddin’, you mean there
really is such a thing? – Just ask any sailor who has
been at sea for six months. – Hey, you mind if I tag along? – Not at all, just walk this way. – Hey, it’s easy for you to say. – Now this device will
help us find her location. – What is that? – A Sony Fishman. (audience laughter) It’s getting closer, closer, closer. Sacre Meckle. You are a merman. – Whatch you call me? – A merman, a merman. There’s no business like show business. You are a merman. – Well, it takes one to know one. – No, no, no, no, you
misunderstand me, Monsieur Merman. I want to take you back
to civilization with me. And share you with the world. Oh, my family’s been through enough. My uncle’s in a children’s zoo. And my aunt, she’s a muff in Toronto. – That’s good, but you stick with me and my aquatic friend and you
will be bigger than Shamu. – Shamu. – Oui. – Mermaid. – Mermaid, mermaid, mermaid. (audience laughter and applause) (big band music) A good word from the press, will assure not only a
government research grant but possibly my own special on PBS. – Very well, I just don’t want them to exploit him like some
kind of sideshow freak. – Look what it did for the Elephant Man. (silly elephant noise) Ladies and gentlemen of the press, my laboratory assistant Dr.
Louise Carter and myself present the amazing merman. Time for dinner. – Oh, this isn’t dinner. That’s Oliver. We were in school together. Besides, I don’t want fish from him, I tired of fish, fish, fish, fish. How ’bout a veal cutlet? A frankfurter with sauerkraut? A piece of Danish. Lloyd, please Oliver. – Dr. Carter, does the creature
like being in captivity? – First of all, this man is no creature. He is a human being. – Are you kiddin’? My
great uncle was Moby Dick. – He is a man with
dignity and intelligence and feelings and warmth and desires and deep yearning passions. – Aaah, perhaps you can direct the remainder of your questions
to the merman himself. – Mr. Merman, are you
lonely here in captivity? – Nah, I brought my whole
neighborhood with me, you know? Well that’s Sal over
there, and that’s Ralph, and that’s Wayne with the pink stripes. And that’s Lucy the red snapper. I picked her up at a sushi bar. – Is it hard to walk with
a tail the size of yours. – That’s funny, I was ’bout to ask you the same thing, you know. – Merman, question over here. – Comin’ through, look out
there, Harold, I’m sorry. Comin’ through here. – Mr. Merman, do you have a name? – Do I have a name? Is Bismark a herring? Of course I’ve got a name. My full name is… (seal barking) – How do you spell that? – Lady, do me a favor, will ya? Come over here, okay? – How do you spell that? – Why don’t you address me
the same way Dr. Carter does? – Oh, and how’s that? – Not now, darling, someone is coming. – Oh, as you can see he’s been
under a great deal of stress. Any further questions today
would only confuse him. This press conference is over. – Yes, madam and monsieur,
come with me s’il vu plait. I will introduce you to the
wonder and the potentially fatal and intricate mating
ritual of the sea urchin. – Oh darling, thank goodness they’re gone. Oh at least we’re alone my angel. Oh my darling, take me in your arms, my deep sea devil and kiss me. All my life I’ve waited for
someone like you to come along. You are a marine biologist’s dream. Human intelligence coupled with
unlimited spawning ability. – Oh, come on, don’t
believe that old fish tale. Besides, it won’t work.
Where will we live? – We’ll buy a houseboat. – A houseboat, are you kiddin’? I’ll keep slippin’ off the deck. It will never work. – Oh yes it will, oh
darling I swear it will. Oh please say you’ll marry me. – Marry, are you kiddin’?
Let’s not get carried away. I mean for at least a year
we should swim together. – Oh, whatever it takes,
I’ll do it, I swear darling. (kissy noise) – Dr. Carter, Monsieur
Merman, what are you doing? Are you crazy? – Have you been at sea so long that you have salt water in your veins? Can’t you see I love
him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. – You want to be a fish wife? – Yeah, but we’re one fish short. – Let’s not. There is an operation still in the experimental stages which can alter the genetic structure of a woman into a fish. However, it may be fatal. – I don’t care, I’ll do anything. I want to spend the rest
of my life with him. I want to have your caviar. (audience laughter) – Good grief, stop, stop, this is sick. It’s madness. Come with me
Dr. Carter. This is madness. Are you sure you want
to go through with this? – [Dr. Carter] Yes, yes. – Hey, do me a favor, will ya? Have it ready before the tide goes out. (audience laughter and applause) Harold, give me some room here, will ya? I mean, go play nice with the turtle, huh? – Well mon ami, your waiting has ended. – Did the operation work? Is she half fish? – You bet. Voila! (audience laughter) – It will never work, we
could never go in public. I’ll spend my whole life
looking for costume parties. (audience laughter) It might not be too bad, you know. She can’t yell at me,
she can never say no. She’ll never lose an earring. Hey honey, come here, will ya? Looks like I’m hooked. (audience applause and laughter)

37 Replies to “Merman Rodney Dangerfield: Half Comedian, Half Fish”

  1. Its funny bcuz my son is leaving to college on Friday & he & my wife were having a similar convo last week๐Ÿ˜‚

  2. i lived next door to the keyboard player for the Mermen. Darryl was his name, i think. He never mentioned that these guys were in the band. Small world.

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