Michael Ian Black’s Sandwich Allegory Sums Up Trump’s Election


THERE WE GO. PUT THESE ON. HEY, I CAN SEE EVERYTHING NOW! WELCOME BACK, FOLKS. MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY
COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM “WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER” AND AMY
SCHUMER. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW,
MICHAEL IAN BLACK. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.>>HI, THERE.>>Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.>>GOOD TO SEE YOU.>>Stephen: I LIKE THE ENTIRE
THING YOU’VE GOT GOING ON. THE LIKE THE DARK ON DARK WENT
MUSTACHE.>>YEAH, I’M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE
MUSTACHE, MYSELF.>>Stephen: ARE YOU DOING IT
FOR A PART?>>FOR A TV SHOW, YEAH. I FEEL LIKE I LOO LOOK LIKE A
BACKGROUND COP. THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND
WAITING FOR THE REAL COPS TO GO THEIR JOBS.>>Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE A
BACKGROUND COP IN A FRENCH DETECTIVE MOVIE. YOU’RE TOO SUAVE LOOKING.>>I’M NOT NORMALLY DRESSED UP. I FEEL LIKE I’M A SINGLE DAD
WITH AN IX WIFE WHO HAS THE KIDS FOR THE WEEKEND.>>Stephen: SO YOU DRESSED UP?>>FOR THIS, ABSOLUTELY, I DO.>>Stephen: THE SINGLE DAD
DRESSED UP WHEN HIS WIFE LEAVES TOWN.>>NO IN MY SCENARIO, THE GUY
GOES OUT IN HIS JEANS AND HOODIE.>>Stephen: WHAT’S YOUR GO-TO
TO, APPLEBEE’S.>>JUST A BURGER.>>Stephen: I GO TO THE JACK
DANIEL’S WINGS.>>YOU’RE A LUSH GLI TAKE IT ANY
WAY I CAN GET IT. LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU
TALKED ABOUT A BOOK YOU HAD WRITTEN CALLED “A CHILD’S FIRST
BOOK OF TRUMP.”>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: THAT WAS
EXPLAINING DONALD TRUMP TO CHILDREN, LIKE IF YOU YOU
ENCOUNTERED A TRUMP IN THE WILD.>>RIGHT, IT WAS KIND OF–
( LAUGHTER ) THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. IT’S A LITTLE BIT– IT’S A
LITTLE BIT LIKE “GOOSEBUMPS” FOR KIDS. IT’S A HORROR STORY.>>Stephen: EXACTLY, AND IT
SOLD WELL, I UNDERSTAND.>>IT DID.>>Stephen: PEOPLE REALLY
LIKED IT. NOW THAT HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, CAN YOU EXPLAIN DONALD TRUMP TO ADULTS? ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE WE’RE AS CONFUSED AS CHILDREN.>>PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME,
“MICHAEL, YOU’RE A GENIUS. HOW DID WE GET–
( LAUGHTER ) TO THIS PLACE IN OUR CULTURE?”
AND I CAN EXPLAIN IT WITH A STORY. THANK YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, STEPHEN, IT’S LUNCHTIME. AND I DECIDE TO TAKE MY SON TO
SUBWAY SANDWICHES.>>Stephen: I’M FAMILIAR WITH
SUBWAY SANDWICHES.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: I KNOW THAT CHAIN
SUBWAY SANDWICHES.>>THAT’S THE ONE, SUBWAY
SANDWICH S.>>Stephen: HOW OLD IS YOUR
SON IN THIS SCENARIO?>>HE’S 13 OR 14.>>Stephen: 13 YEARS OLD.>>I DECIDE TO GO TO SUBWAY
BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE SUBWAY AND WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN COMMON.>>Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS HOW
YOU BOND.>>RIGHT. WE GO TO SUBWAY AND WE EACH HAD
OUR REGULAR ORDER. HE LIKES THE “IITALIAN” B.M.T.>>Stephen: B.M.T.>>THAT’S A SANDWICH LOADED WITH
DELI MEETS MAETS, NONE OF WHIEWMS OF WHOSE NAMES BEGIN
WITH B., M., T. AND I LIKE THE SIX-INCH CHICKEN
BREAST AND THAT’S A CLASSY ORDER. AND I CAN TELL. THE WOMAN WHO TAKES THE ORDER —
>>Stephen: IT’S A CLASSY ORDER?>>AND I KNOW SHE THINKS SO
BECAUSE WHEN I ORDER SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE THIS… ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.>>SO SHE GOES, “WOULD YOU LIKE
CHEESE?” I SAY, “NO CHOOSE.”>>Stephen: NO CHEESE.>>AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME
OUR EYES MEET. AND I KNOW WHAT SHE’S THINKING. “A-HA, THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT.” AND SHE’S RIGHT. I AM. I AM A CONNOISSEUR OF SUBWAY, SO
I CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE REGULAR SUBWAY SANDWICH MAKE
EXPERT SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: THAT’S WHAT THEY
CALL THEIR EMPLOYEES.>>THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL THEM. BUT SO FEW OF THEM EARN THAT
TITLE, UNLESS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE ART OF ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONISM WHEN THEY FLING VEGETABLES WILLY-NILLY ACROSS–
THAT’S NOT THE ART I’M TALKING ABOUT.>>Stephen: YOU DON’T WANT A
DA-DA SANDWICH.>>NO, YOU DO NOT. THE ART I’M TALKING ABOUT,
STEPHEN, IS THE ART OF THE BALLET. IT’S A DANCE, A HAND DANCE.>>Stephen: JUST REAL QUICK. WE’RE GETTING TO TRUMP SOMEWHERE
IN HERE, RIGHT?>>DO YOU TRUST ME? ( LAUGHTER )
SHE IS A PERFECT MAKER OF SANDWICHES. SHE MAKES– HE PUTS ALL THE
VEGETABLES ON. SHE ASKS IF I WANT JALAPENOS,
AND I DO WANT JALAPENOS. AND THEN AT THE END, SHE SAYS,
“WHAT KIND OF DRESSING?” I SAY, “MUSTARD.” SHE PUTS THE MUSTARD ON. I SAY, “A LITTLE BIT MORE
MUSTARD, PLEASE.” SHE PUTS A LITTLE BIT MORE
MUSTARD ON. SHE BAGS THE SANDWICHES. WE TAKE THEM HOME. MY SON’S SANDWICH, STEPHEN, IS
PERFECT, IT’S A PERFECT SANDWICH. MINE, HOWEVER, THERE IS
SOMETHING AMISS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?>>Stephen: NO CHEESE.>>YOU RAY FOOL! STEPHEN, ON MY SANDWICH, THERE
IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH MUSTARD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?>>Stephen: NO. ( LAUGHTER ).>>SOMEHOW IN MY ARROGANCE, IN
MY HUBRIS, I HAD DECIDED THAT I KNEW BETTER THAN THIS SUBWAY
SANDWICH ARTIST HOW MUCH DRESSING A SUBWAY SANDWICH
SHOULD HAVE. WHY DID I DO THAT? WAS IT SEXISM? PERHAPS. ( LAUGHTER )
WAS IT– WAS IT SUBCONSCIOUS RACISM? YOU BET IT WAS. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WHAT RACE–>>TWO YEARS LATER, STEPHEN! TWO YEARS LATER, DONALD TRUMP IS
ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE JERKS LIKE ME THINK THEY KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING BETTER
THAN THE PROFESSIONALS WHO DO IT FOR A LIVING! AND THAT’S HOW WE GOT WHERE WE
ARE TODAY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THANK YOU.>>YOU’RE WELCOME.>>Stephen: THANK YOU. WOW. YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE A– YOU HAVE A– A PETITION.>>I DO HAVE A PETITION.>>Stephen: AT THE WHITE HOUSE
RIGHT NOW.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: ON THE WHITE HOUSE
WEBSITE YOU CAN PUT A PETITION IN.>>YES.>>Stephen: AND IT’S GOT A LOT
OF SIGNATURES, RIGHT? HOW MANY DOES IT NEED?>>100,000.>>Stephen: HOW MANY DOES IT
HAVE?>>ZERO AS FAR AS I CAN TELL
BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE WASN’T TABULATING SIGNATURES FOR THE
LONGEST OF TIME. YOU WOULD PUT A PETITION ON THE
WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE, AND NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE CLICKED
ON IT, IT WOULDN’T TABULATE THE SIGNATURE S.>>Stephen: IS THIS THE TRUMP
PEOPLE DOING THIS?>>I DON’T KNOW WHO IT WAS. WAS IT THE RUSSIANS? PERHAPS. WHO CAN SAY.>>Stephen: WHAT’S YOUR
PETITION?>>I’LL GIVE YOU THE– I WANT TO
GET IT EXACTLY RIGHT. IT WAS “TO EXPLAIN TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE WHY PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP IS SUCH A NEEDY
LITTLE BITCH.” THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE
PETITION. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: THEY CAN JUST GO AND SIGN UP?>>THEY CAN GO AND SIGN IN.>>Stephen: MICHAEL IAN BLACK,
LOVELY TO SEE YOU. MICHAEL IAN BLACK HAS A SHOW ON
iTUNES. “HOW TO BE AMAZING WITH MICHAEL
IAN BLACK” IS AVAILABLE ON iTUNES AND AUDIBLE. MICHAEL IAN BLACK, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CAT
EXPERT, JACKSON GALAXY.

100 Replies to “Michael Ian Black’s Sandwich Allegory Sums Up Trump’s Election”

  1. Was this literally an advertisement for Applebees and Subway?

    Is this a new low? Is this the future of advertising on television?

  2. "Explain to the American people why President Donald J. Trump is such a needy little bitch."
    Micheal Ian Black, 2017.

  3. That was either the best embedded advertising or the most incoherent political analogy ever. So either way, I hate it.

  4. I like Colbert but he does realize he's part of the problem that lead to Trump getting elected? Him, SNL etc with the Hillary has already won jokes led to people not voting. Resulting in Trump getting elected…

  5. Michael and Michael have issues with Trump. More clueless Hollywood idiots. It's obvious the liberals don't know why Trump won and still won't acknowledge that they are responsible for what we're in now.

  6. https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/explain-american-people-why-president-donald-j-trump-such-needy-little-bitch-1

  7. I'm in awe. I have no words. This man, he has so succinctly stated the greatest unsolved problem of today.

    My only regret is that I will never meet this Sandwich Artist of which he speaks, and will never avariciously devour one of her perfect, delectable sandwiches.

  8. Only twat Americans will look as someone and something like Trump and the disasters that he is going to cause and think, If I ,as a famous or semi famous person write ANYTHING about Trump I can make some money. Trump, is not THE problem. He is A problem but really he is bi-product of that mentality, That AMERICAN mentality, which is `fuck everyone else so I win` or as they say in the states. The American dream.

  9. The fake laugh track is bad. I just watched Steven Crowder rape this guy discussing rape. Michael Ian Black is a moron of grand proportions.

  10. as a trump supporter and conservative, this guy is fucking hilarious. props to him for adding political spice to comedy instead of comedy spice to politics. a political show that tries to be funny ends up not being funny, but a good joke told well that ends in some sort of political idea is hilarious. well done

  11. colbert is whack and has become a sad parody of himself…Michael Ian Black on the other hand is hilarious and always have been…

  12. Art doesn’t include cheese? Only an idiot doesn’t like cheese. Oh, you want proof? His admitted his sons sandwich was perfect. He’s not as smart as his son. LOL

  13. that's a strange analogy, i thought it was normally the single mum where the dad had the kids for the weekend.

  14. Our politicians are not anywhere near as talented as a good Subway sandwich artist. They are just corrupt, warmongering assholes.

  15. I notice Hollywood pedos hate President Trump. Michael Ian Black, James Gunn, Dan Harmon…

    The list goes on…

  16. nice to see colbert inviting a pedophile to talk about his trump syndrome https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DinCbEpX0AAcyUo?format=jpg

  17. Went to my kids' elementary school Halloween parade. Disappointingly few "slutty girl" costumes.

    — Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) October 31, 2009

  18. My day so far: Mini Wheats, writing, quick baby fuck, more writing, picked up kids from school.

    — Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 23, 2011

  19. Some lady just changed her baby boy's diaper right in front if everybody at the gate. Unimpressive penis.

    — Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 4, 2013

  20. payola cover up summer camp rape defenders…bush payola cover up..scales test…Haverhill Kennebunkport penn state payooa rape defender hysteria…you don't get your lives back…you will die for these scum ..your money don't spend….hack retred

  21. HIs podcast "Obscure" (where he reads and comments on the novel Jude the Obscure) is really good.. didn't know of him before but I find the guy really interesting

  22. I was a big fan of the State in High School back in the 1990s . Now I want Michael Ian black"s head on a plate.

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