MIT Standup Comedy Club – James Peraire-Bueno

And put your hands together everybody for James Peraire-Bueno! (Clapping) (In the background) One minute James! One minute! Um so Halloween as an adult is really different than Halloween as a kid Trick or treating, for instance When I was a kid, I could go to houses, and if they had no candy, they’d say something like “Sorry, we don’t have any candy” or they’d tell me like “Come back next year” but last year I went trick or treating and I got completely different responses One house told me “go away”, another one said “fuck off, I’m calling the cops” (laughter) and another one told me, “its thanksgiving”. (more laughter) thanksgiving is like… its a pretty bad story. Like the settlers came over and they needed help… they needed help like growing their crops or whatever, and well, uh the Native Americans helped them and to like honor them, the settlers threw them a feast. And then at the feast, they killed all of them (laughter). Thats a pretty shitty way to honor someone. So whenever my mom… like whenever I go home for thanksgiving, and she asks “James, can you bake the pumpkin pie for me” every year I’m like, “no thanks mom, I know what happens next” (laughter) Its really convenient that we live in Cambridge, right next to Harvard, instead of Providence, right next to Brown because we can make fun of Harvard all we want like “oh these Harvard kids are huge assholes” but for some reason we can’t say “Those Brown kids are massive dicks”. (a lot of laughter) so… (clapping) so theres a saying that goes, “if you’re good at something, never do it for free” and what really confuses me is when you go to Harvard Square, and there are these people dancing around with signs saying “free Hugs” or happy birthday… err happy friday uhm and to me, that just sounds like a great business opportunity. Because I could set up a sign right there saying “premium hugs $5” or “2 for 1 hugs” or like vegan organic hugs… (laughter) but I’ll still get earth moms complaining that they aren’t gluten-free. So recently with the Tom Brady deflate gate uhm I’ve come up with the theory that uh I’ve come up with the theory that I’ve come up with the theory that (laughter) that uhm messing with your balls like gives you a distinct advantage in sports. But really, we shouldn’t be praising Tom Brady as the first person to come up with this… because Lance Armstrong (laughter) like came up with this in a sport that doesn’t even require balls. So one thing that really irritates me are unrealistic movies. and tv shows, I guess (audience “like fake movies”) – yeah, like fake movies so the other day I was flipping through the TV and there was this scene of like the desert and there was a woman driving a car full of passengers like bad guys chasing them and like theres a ramp in the distance in the middle of Saudi Arabia or something, and she drives up to the ramp and spins around and manages to land it perfectly and this would never happen, because women cannot drive in Saudi Arabia. (laughter) thank you. (Clapping)

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