My First Attempt At Standup Comedy

Alright, coming to the stage ladies and gentlemen, this is actually a real special treat, I’m glad to bring him up. He is our first hearing-impaired contestant, would you do me a favor and please put your hands together for Mr. Tom Willard, everybody give it up for him. [applause] (to host) Is it my turn? I couldn’t hear you. Hi … [applause] I’m sorry, this is my first time doing standup and I can’t see anyone. I think everyone left. Saw me and left. Sorry, this is awkward. Okay, I’m Tom. I’m deaf, and no, I don’t read lips. Please stop asking me that. Everybody asks me that. It’s alway the first thing people say. “Hi, I’m Tom.” … “Do you read lips?” No, I don’t read lips. And guess what? Nobody reads lips. It’s all a big hoax. People have been pulling your leg making you think deaf people read lips. We don’t. And the reason why is because reading lips is impossible. The English language has more than one million words, and people talk at 60 words per minute. And I’m supposed to be able to understand all that just from this little bitty boop boop boop? No … To be honest with you, I don’t even know if you’re talking to me or chewing gum. [acting out chewing gum] What? What did you say? “Nothing, I’m chewing gum.” “Oh, sorry.” Later, the same person comes up to me. “Tom, we have to get out of here. The place is on fire.” And I’m looking and I’m thinking, “Wow, is that still the same piece of gum? That’s some good gum.” I can read lips when I already know what you’re going to say. If my coffee cup is empty and you come up with a pot of coffee, I’m going to be able to figure it out. But it’s when people come up to me out of the clear blue, I don’t know who they are, I don’t know what they want, lipreading doesn’t help. so I have to be looking for other clues to help me understand. For example, somebody might come up to me and, blah blah blah. I’m looking and looking, and I notice, wow, this person is tall. I’m not used to having to look up when I talk with someone. Maybe that’s it! Maybe he’s asking me to join his tall guy’s club. Or … someone comes up to me and, blah blah blah. I’m looking and looking and I notice, wow, this person is not dressed very well. Striped shirt, plaid pants, nothing fits … Maybe that’s it! Maybe they’re asking me for fashion advice. Or … someone comes up to me on the street, and pulls out a knife, and blah blah blah! I’m looking and I’m thinking, and I remember, cooking students carry their own knives. Maybe that’s it. Maybe he’s asking me where’s the culinary school at. So, there’s a lot of guess work involved. But I’m pretty good at it. And now, I’m a lifetime member of … Tall Gentlemen of America. And I do a little fashion consulting on the side. And I got mugged. Yeah, it’s not a perfect system. That’s why it’s called “guess work.” I guess my time is up, I’m going to wait until next time to teach you the dirty signs. Thank you. [applause]

5 Replies to “My First Attempt At Standup Comedy”

  1. Maybe the cats finished your wife's meatloaf, and that is why they have to sit waiting for you to decompose after your fall.

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