my TV staring COMEDIAN STEVE SWEENEY “SWEENEY HAS ISSUES”


LD GIR UP WITH THAT ONE. CHEATING IS AS MUCH A PART OF AMERICANA AS BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, NORMAN MY OLD GIRRIEND CAME UP WITH THAT ON. CHEATING IS AS MUCH A PART OF AMERICANA AS BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, NORMAN ROCKWELL AND INTERNET PORN, FEATURING NAKED PICTURES OF NORMAN ROCKWELL. ACCORDING TO THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY, 15 PERCENT OF WIVES AND 25 PERCENT OF HUSBANDS HAVE HAD EXTRAMARITAL SEX. BUT LADIES, DON’T GET ALL UP ON YOUR HIGH HORSES THERE THINKING YOU’RE BETTER THAN MEN. THERE ARE TWO REASONS FOR THE LOWER NUMBER OF WOMEN CHEATERS. FIRST ONE’S OBVIOUS – YOU’RE NOT TELLING THE TRUTH; AND SOND, THE STUDY DIDN COUNT THE INCREDIBLY HIGH NUMBER OF EXTRAMARITAL LESBIAN AFFAIRS THAT WE ALL KNOW MARRIED WOMEN HAVE ON A DAILY BASIS, LEST OUR LETTERS TO PENOUSE BETRAY US. WEBSTER DESCS INFIDELITY AS “UNFAITHFULNESS TO A MORAL OBLIGATION.” BUT WHO CARES WHAT A SHORT, WASHED UP TV STAR THINKS. THE POINT IS, A “MORAL OBLIGATION” FOR A GUY ISAGE TO BE THE LOOKOUT FOR YOUR BUDDY WHILE HE TAKES A LEAK AROUND THE CORNER. HE TRUSTS YOU AND YOU WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB, BUT IF YOU DECIDE TO WALK AWAY AND GET A DONUT, THEN LET’S FCE IT, T DEFINITION OF “SEXUAL RELATIONS” HAS CHANGED A LOT IN RECENT YEARS. FOR EXAMPLE: THANKS TO BILL CLINTON, A HUSBAND CAN CONFIDENTLY DENY HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A WOM – AS LONG AS THE WOMAN IS THE ONE WHO PAID — AS LONG AS THE WOMEN IS THE ONE WHO PAID FOR THE HOTEL ROOM. IT PROBABLY DOESN’T HELP THAT A LOT OF TV SHOWS PROMOTE IN IF I — IN FIDELITY AS — KE IN THE MOVIE FATAL ATTRACTION. AND THAT HAPPENS MORE TIMES THAN YOU WOULD THINK SO GUYS, BEFORE YOU HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH SOME WOMAN YOU JUST PICKED UP AT A BAR ASK HER FIRST — ARE YOU A PSYCHO? IF SHE SAYS YES, THEN GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. UNLESS SHE IS TOTALLY HOT AND THEN JUST TAKE YOUR CHANCES. BUT CONTRARY TO MOST STEREOTYPES THE OTHER WOMAN USUALLY ISN’T WAITING TO LURE MEN. BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU DO GET LUCKY. I’M DR. STEVIE AND I DO HAVE ISSUES. — SWEENEY.>>SO NOW LET’S EXAMINE THE HOWS, THE WHYS AND THE WHY NOTES OF CHEAT WITH OUR SPECIAL GUESTS. A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN AND ACTOR HAS BEEN IN MOVS AND A REGULAR ON THE SOPRANOS, PLEASE WELCOME FRANK — [ APPLAUSE ]>>AND ANOTHER VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN ACTOR AND WRITER AND CREATOR AND STAR OF DR. KATZ. [ APPLAUSE ]>>AND A JILTED WOMAN. HER NAME IS LAURA. [ APPLAUSE ]>>SO FRANK, LET’S START WITH YOU. WHY DO MEN CHEAT?>>WELL THERE IS A LOT OF REASONS. ONE IS IF YOU’RE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, THERE IS A LOT OF DOWNTIME — WHERE THERE IS NO SEX AND CHEATING FILLS THAT VOID. [ LAUGHTER ]>>OKAY. FRANK. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT CHEAT SOMETHING.>>I’M ALL FOR IT, OF COURSE. YOU KNOW YOU LEARN HOW TO KEEP A SECRET.>>GOOD POINT, FRANK.>>>YOU LEARN NEW SEXUAL POSITIONS THAT YOU WOULD NOT NORMALLY DO AT HOME.>>WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CHEAT SOMETHING LIKE IF YOU CHEAT YOU NEVER KNOW WHO REALLY WINS LIKE IN MONOPOLY IF YOU GO PAST GO AND YOU $400 YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO REALLY KNOW LIKE WHY OR HOW YOU WILL WIN. IT’S SO WRONG.>>LKING ABOUT CHEAT WITH MEN AND WOMEN FIDELITY AND FAITHFULNESS.>>FIDELITY — OH. LIKE THE INVESTMENT PEOPLE. IF YOU CHEAT THEM THEY WILL KNOW. THEY HAVE A LOT OF COMPUTERS AND THEY CAN TRACK THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]>>CAN I JUMP IN FOR A SECOND?>>I WOULD LIKE TO YOU JUMP IN.>>I’M MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN FOR 25 YEARS. 25 YEARS — IN FACT NEXT WEEK WE’RE RENEWING OUR VOWS OF CELIBACY. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT ONLY ONCE IN OUR 25 YEARS HAVE I BEEN TEMPTED TO BE UNFAITHFUL AND I APPROACHED MY RABBI BECAUSE I’M JEWISH AND I SAID RABBI WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S OKAY. WHAT ABOUT COMMANDMENTS. HE SAID NOTHING IS CARVED IN STONE.>>THAT IS ANOTHER GOOD POINT. NOTHINIS CARVED IN STONE. SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS THAT IN ORDER TO KEEP THE MARRIAGE ALIVE AND EXCITING YOU CHEAT.>>I THINK EVERY MARRIED MAN CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG HAS A FANTASY ABOUT HIS WIFE COMING HOME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.>>FROM SHOP SOMETHING.>>YEAH. [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>THAT’S OKAY.>>I THINK WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HERE IS MEN AND WOMEN CHEATING WITH EACH OTHER.>>WHY?>>OKAY. FRANK –>>YEAH.>>I THINK OF OTHER SPECIES. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. OKAY. LIKE DUCKS FOR EXAMPLE.>>EXCELLENT POINT. OH, WAIT YOU HAVEN’T MADE IT YET.>>DUCKERS MONOGAMOUS. DO YOU THINK THAT’S WHY MEN I THINK — THERE IS A CONNECTION SOME OF ABSOLUTELY. I THINK IF YOU LOOK OVER THE MORE THAN 485 SPECIES OF ANIMALS THAT LIVE JUST IN THIS TOWN AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR — AN OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF THE SPECIES ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS. I THINK THE PENGUIN MATES FOR LIFE AND I THINK ME.>>FRANK YOU DON’T KNOW — I’M JUST GOING TO SAY THIS ONE TIME. WE ARE NOT DUCKS. [ LAUGHTER ]>>HE HAS GOT A POINT.>>HE DOES HAVE A GOOD POINT.>>THANK YOU.>>WHEN DUCKERS FLYING IN A BIG V YOU KNOW WHY ONE LINE IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER? THERE ARE MORE DUCKS IN THAT LINE. [ LAUGHTER ]>>WELL I THINK THAT WE’VE ALL — LEARNED SOMETHING HERE.>>CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING?>>NOT YET.>>I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WE LEARNED IS THAT IF YOU’RE NOT CHEATING YOU’RE CHEATING YOURSELF. IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS SAYING?>>I THINK YOU’RE DEPRIVING YOURSELF OF THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING ALIVE. AND OF BEING OF ACHIEVING A PHYSICAL POTENTIAL. HELP ME OUT HERE. IF YOU’RE IN A LONG TIME RELATIONSHIP — OR MARRIED PARTS OF YOU CAN AT FEE.>>LET’S COME BACK AND MEET SOMEBODY WHO’S A — [ INDISCERNIBLE ] — CHEAT.>>WE’RE BACK IN TWO. BECAUSE STEVE SWENY HAS ISSUES. — MORE GREAT TIPS FOR YOU CHEATERS. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO NOT GET CAUGHT.>>TELL MY HUSBAND TO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW.>>OKAY. WELCOME BACK. WE’RE GOING TO MEET A CHEATER RIGHT NOW. STAN — HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?>>STAN HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS.>>AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CHEAT SOMETHING.>>STAN HAS BEEN CHEATING FOR TWO YEARS.>>WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK?>>AREN’T YOU STAN?MER SERVICE.>>YES, I’M STAN.>>OKAY. SO YOU STARTED CHEATING — WHEN DID YOU START CHEAT SOMETHING.>>RIGHT AFTER THE SECOND DATE.>>THE SECOND DATE?>>WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHEATED?>>THIS MORNING AT 10:00 A.M. I MET A NICE GIRL FROM OUT OF TOWN ON THE TRAIN. SHE WANT TO SEE PAUL REVERE’S HOUSE. I TOOK HER TO SEE THE BUNKER HILL MONUMENT.>>OKAY. STAN, NOW WHY DID YOU GO OUT WITH THIS WOMAN AND AFTER TWO DATES YOU WERE ALREADY CHEATING ON HER? I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED.>>SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD HEALTH CARE. BUT SHE LIED. SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE DENTAL. — [ INDISCERNIBLE ] NEEDS A DENTAL.>>STAN. I’M SORRY.>>SO HOW THIS MAKE YOU FEEL?>>I FEEL AWFUL ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE NO DENTAL.>>LET ME CHECK. NO. THAT’S NOT IT.>>I SEE — — I FEEL SAD.>>NO.>>I FEEL REMORSEFUL.>>NOPE. NO. NO.>>DOWNTRODDEN?>>NO. NO. YOU FEEL GUILTY?>>YEAH. I FEEL GUILTY.>>ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO HERE I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN HELP STAN. HOLD THIS UP. PUT IT OVER TO THE LEFT. NOW WE’RE GOING TO TRY TO — BRING IT BACK. OKAY. WE’RE GOING TO TRY TO USE THE FIVE AND A HALF S ESTES TO SNAP HIM OUT OF IT. COME TO THE SEMINAR AT THE AUDITORIUM. WE’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY BE IN THE AUDITORIUM. WE ALREADY OUTSIDE IN A VAN IN THE THIRD PARKING SPACE. [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT.>>SO STAN, LET’S GET TO HOW YOU’RE FEELING, OKAY. SO YOU FEEL GUILT?>>YES. IF YOU SAY SO I FEEL GUILTY.>>REMORSEFUL.>>YES. THE REMORSE.>>OKAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE RELIEVED OF ALL OF THAT GUILT?>>I WOULD LIKE THAT.>>HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET RID OF THE REMORSE?>>THAT WOULD BE GREAT.>>WHAT YOU’RE REALLY AFRAID OF IS JUST GETTING CAUGHT?>>YOU’RE RIGHT.>>WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO WITH THIS GUY? [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>EXACTLY. SO YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO? WE’RE GOING TO BRING OUT YOUR WIFE AND YOU’RE GOING TO ADMIT TO HER RIGHT NOW YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING AND YOU WILL FEEL GREAT. LET’S BRING HER OUT.>>I DON’T KNOW IN F THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, DR. SWENY.>>YOU WILL BE FINE. LATE BRING OUTSTANDING’S WIFE. COME ON OUT. THIS IS STAN’S LOVELY WIFE CAROLYN.>>GOOD.YOU FEELING? IS THIS DEAL OR NO DEAL?>>NO.>>DID WE WIN A TRIP?>>NO. NOPE. WELL IN A WAY YOU WON A TRIP.>>VEGAS?>>NO. NOT VEGAS. [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>NO.>>LINCOLN PARK?>>NO. NO. CAROLYN, STAN HAS GOT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU. COME O — ON. STANDING. YOU CAN DO IT.>>ARE YOU TAKING ME ON A TRIP?>>NO. I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL AND VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.>>OKAY. WELL, WHAT IS IT?>>I HAVE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU FOR TWO YEARS.>>WHAT?>>YEAH.>>CHEATING?>>NOT ONLY THAT I’M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO YOU. YOU SQUEEZE THE TOOTS PASTE FROM THE MID— TOOTHPASTE FROM THE MIDDLE AND NOT ONLY THAT I CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR SISTER.>>MY SISTER?>>AND YOUR FRIEND, ANN.>>WHAT?>>AND NOT ONLY THAT — I AM A PEEPER. — AND I’M ALSO A KLEPTOMANIAC. I STOLE YOUR MOTHER’S ICE CREAM SCOOPER. I SMASHED YOUR CAR. AND THE DOG, WHEN WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT HE RAN AWAY?>>RUSTY.>>NO. I HAD TO SELL HIM BECAUSE I HAD A LOT OF DEBT.>>THAT’S ENOUGH. THAT’S GREAT. WHAT YOU DID WAS Y LIBERATED YOURSELF.>>DR. SWENY?>>I’M CONFUSED.>>MOVE ON.>>MOVE ON?>>WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO WITH THIS WOMAN? [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>SUCK IT UP.>>YOU NEED YOUR PARKING VALIDATED.>>YEAH.>>OKAY. WE WILL BE BACK.>>MORE HELPS ON THE WAY. BECAUSE STEVE SWENY HAS p @JOIN THIS SUNDAY AT NOON AND 11 PILT JUST FOR YOU THE VIEWER…ON THIS MYVOICE WE HAVE THE WINNERS OF MANCHESTER NEW HAMPSHIRE’S RECYCLING ID TUNE IN AND SEE SOME GREAT LOCAL STORIES ON Ñ HVbG.o>>OKAY. GREAT. WE’RE BACK. TALKING ABOUT CHEATING. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?>>MY NAME IS HEIDI.>>ARE YOU MARRIED?>>YEAH.>>HOW LONG?>>THREE YEARS.>>WHERE DID YOU GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO EVERETT MASS?>>YES.>>DO YOU THINK THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF EVERYONE CHEATED ONCE A YEAR LIKE MAYBE AT HALLOWEEN. BECAUSE EVERYONE COULD WEAR A BATMAN COSTUME. WHAT DO YOU THINK?>>THAT SOUNDS A BIT KINKY I GUESS. BUT I DON’T KNOW.>>AREN’T YOU FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE? LIVE FREE OR DIE.>>NO. I’M FROM MASSACHUSETTS.>>OKAY AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?>>ESTELLE.>>WHERE ARE YOU FROM?>>DERRY, NEW HAMPSHIRE.>>I’M A SORRY. WHAT DO YOU DO?>>I WORK AT THE BEST SUB SHOP.>>WHICH ONE THAT IS?>>USA SUBS.>>CONGRATULATIONS. ANY WAY. WE’RE SO PROUD. I’LL HAVE A REGULAR, NO HOT STUFF. ANY WAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR HUSBAND — IF YOU CAUGHT YOUR HUSBAND CHEAT SOMETHING.>>I DID CATCH HIM CHEATING AND I TOOK THAT PRECIOUS FOOTBALL COLLECTION AND BASEBALL COLLECTION AND PUT ITT ON THE LAWN AND LIT IT ON FIRE. [ CHEERING ]>>WOW!>>AND THEN YOU MADE HIM A MEAT BALL SUB. ARE YOU STILL MARRIED? [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>OKAY. WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? IF YOU’RE NOT CHEATING YOU’RE CHEATING YOURSELF. WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.>>WHAT SCIENCE SHOULD A WIFE LOOK FOR TO FIND OUT IF HER HUSBAND IS CHEATING. GOOD QUESTION. THEY HAVE GOT BUILT IN RADAR. THEY DON’T NEED SCIENCE. — SIGNS.>>ANYTHING THAT MIGHT INDICATE THAT HE IS A LITTLE BIT RED. UNEASY.>>GOOD TIP.>>I WOULD SUPPOSE THAT HELD BE LESS LIKELY TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. HE IS WORN OUT FROM THE OTHER WOMAN. OTHER SIGNS PROBABLY LIPSTICK ON THE COLLAR. PERFUME SMELL. [ INDISCERNIBLE ]>>ANOTHER GREAT TIP. STRIPPER DUST.>>YES, IT’S TRUE. EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS CAN BREAK

2 Replies to “my TV staring COMEDIAN STEVE SWEENEY “SWEENEY HAS ISSUES””

  1. 6:00 "I am married to the same woman for 25 years… 25 years, in fact, next week we're renewing our vows of celibacy"

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