Nikki Glaser Learned About Blue Balls | Netflix Is A Joke


– I think it is by far our
best option to get you off, is having sex, it’s the easiest. I never understand when girls are like, “No I didn’t have sex with him. “We did everything except sex.” I’m like, “Are you exhausted? “Why would you do all the hard stuff? (audience laughing) “What’s in it for you?” (audience laughing) Sex at least, if you have
sex, it’s gonna feel good. You could come, you know? (audience laughing) You won’t, probably. Like most of the time you don’t, but it’s like on the table, right? Our options to get you
off just are like, ugh, are not great, and we have to get you off. We do, right girls? You have to get a guy off, ’cause we all learned
about blue balls, right? I grew up in a generation
of women who went through a course similar
to the DARE program, about blue balls, in which we learned, (audience laughing) that it is our duty to get you off if you think you’re
gonna get off, you know? If you make a guy hard,
you have to see it through, or you’re like a selfish cunt, (audience laughing) Why did you make him hard then, if you didn’t wanna make him come? So, do it, you know? If you build it, he must come. You know the rules. (audience clapping) Finish what you started, clean plate club. You get all these, like I will, I will. And I certainly will,
because blue balls is a pain, it’s a severe pain that
I could inflict on a man by not blowing him? That’s so mean. And the pain apparently, girls, we can’t even understand it. (audience laughing) We can’t, physiologically
our bodies are not made to understand that kind of pain, but I can guess the
closest we can get is maybe a spinal fracture, or
like a gun shot wound? That’s kind of in that range. So you go, “Oh my god, I
don’t wanna make this guy feel that pain, this guy that I don’t
really even like that much,” so you blow him or you fuck him, ’cause you’re like “I don’t
want you to be in pain, “here’s the antidote.” (audience laughing) And then you find out it’s not a pain, and that’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s not a pain. It’s a feeling, for sure, it’s a feeling, and I will validate that. It is just like a… (audience laughing) I want to, please, I want to. Mom! It’s not fair! He got to come. (screams) That’s it, that’s the feeling. (audience laughing) Oh, I know, and you can’t
act that way either, ’cause you’re a man, or at
least you’re dressed like one. You have to bottle up that intense anger, and it must be annoying, and I get it, I’ve felt that way, I’ve not come before,
like almost exclusively. So I understand “cranky clit”
or whatever it is to me. I’ve felt that frustration, it sucks. And you feel it as a girl if
you don’t make a guy come, and you give him blue
balls, or whatever that is, you feel it the next day. Like girls, you ever spend
the night in a bed with a guy and not touch his dick? The next morning the energy
will have shifted in the room. There’s just a palpable anger, that even he’s not aware of, but he’s tying his shoes kind of loud, and you’re like, “Ah! Yikes!” He will have brought you to
his place in an Uber Black, but then you’re going
home in a Lyft Share. I mean things have taken a turn. So you just make guys come, like you’re just like,
“Oh I’ll make him come, “’cause I just don’t wanna hurt him, “I don’t want them to be mad at me, “I don’t want them to feel bad or sad, “So I’ll just fuckin’, here, take a come, “you can have a come.” I was doling out comes
all through my twenties. I gave away so many comes, and then I came up with a
way to stop giving out comes, which is I just wouldn’t
touch their penises, because if you don’t touch their penis, then you don’t have to
do anything about it, that’s a trick I learned. It’s like, you touch their hard dick, it’s like inviting a
vampire in your house, like you’re obligated to
then do something about it. (swanky upbeat music)

100 Replies to “Nikki Glaser Learned About Blue Balls | Netflix Is A Joke”

  1. Women can understand blue balls easy: Think about all your menstrual cramps collected up and then concentrated on a single spot in your junk, and then twist that spot. Now try walking around and going to work that way all day long because there's no Midol or Ibuprofen that can fix that shit.

  2. You should not have to do anything. I agree that is not right. Like we should be able to two pump chump it in the morning instead of only going in halfway or thinking of dead kitties. Blue balls can be far more debilitating than you realize apparently. Several times I could not walk upright all day. Several times it lasted 2 days. No pee pee touch involved beforehand. Just the smell and anticipation built up BY THE WOMAN, throughout the day or phone call, then the dinner or movie or both, all the while, all the man is focused on is the prize at the end of the road, he thought he earned 3 times over, DENIED. It’s cool. Sometimes a woman is not going to give it up so easy or feels uncomfortable with herself or period or, just realized she made a mistake. Totally understandable and easily worth suffering to know she was not forced into anything. But there are times where that is not the case at all. And a man must wake up in the morning with no money, no prize, and a burning sensation that cripples him and saddens him for 3 days even. I like your humor awesome lady, and that you talk about these things. I do NOT like when I undeservingly get crippled by a flaky chick and then misrepresented later about it. But whatevs. Now you know, and all is forgiven. Thank you for being you and I look forward to seeing more gorl

  3. She is bad… i just saw sebastian so i was expect something good from this netflix thing… well, anyways ,this shit was getting erotic.

  4. Not true, blue balls is actually a pain if you really edge… That's painful like getting kicked in the balls every time you move and the balls touch your inner thighs. However! It's nobody's duty. I got hands. It's a duty of the woman only if the guy doesn't have arms and is not flexible enough to blow himself off… Or if he is just really tired.

  5. Any comment here claiming that "Blue Balls is a pain" should consider taking a Tylenol chewable because you just took the joke.

  6. Blue balls is real, and it does hurt and make you feel sick to your stomach. But its not the worst pain in the world or anything.

  7. I thought this was brilliant and I’m irrationally frustrated that some people didn’t agree (or seem to get it?). To me she’s complaining about the fact that it’s the woman’s responsibility to handle the thing she caused. And whether that’s true or not, it is definitely true that from the woman’s perspective, it can feel unfair at the time for no other reason than because that’s a lot of work to do.

    I think most people are well aware of the man’s perspective on this, but people don’t too often talk about how a woman might feel about it, and I think that’s what makes this humor: Pointing out an aspect of reality that people generally don’t acknowledge, or maybe didn’t even realize. She walks you through what many women are feeling about it: like surely it can’t be that bad. I have to give birth, maybe men deserve to feel some sort of bodily malfunction as well (just examples of justifications for not doing the work).

  8. I know it’s her choice to get paid doing stand up porn but it’s very cringe.
    There’s a some females that are rocking comedy and they are doing a much cleaner act. I enjoy laughing during a comedy act, porn has its own rewards, laughing usually isn’t one of them. Hopefully. 😂😂😂

  9. To all jumping to claim blue balls is real and it really does hurt blah blah blah… dude just go jerk off! What the fuck is wrong with you people?

  10. It’s really not like you think. If it’s minor it’s not that big a deal, if it’s bad, it can be very painful. Like blue shooting through your abdomen painful. And what’s weird is once it gets that painful doing things to relieve it doesn’t feel good anymore. Lol

  11. How about this Nikki- How come a woman can argue and yell at you on the phone, for an hour or so, or More, and yet 3 minutes into a blowjob she says 'My jaw hurts.' Make a joke about That!

  12. Blue balls go both ways dont have sex with someone if there not willing to get you off it goes for everyone and anyone I'm not going to have sex with someone and not get them off and I'm not going to have sex with someone know they wont get me off even steven and fairness

  13. Of course blue balls are real it’s like 2 bruises on your balls and if you move them it hurts. It happens when you fully open up the valves of cum and then get denied.

  14. Nikki is a lazy comedienne. Sex jokes with a female are like fart jokes for a male, the laughs are awkward, not funny.

  15. The best is when us guys fucking to a point where the girls want the cum so bad to a point where they're about to cum and we fuck them harder and faster then we stop and tell them "Sorry Babe gotta go" and we don't give a damn about cumming for them and watch porn in the bathroom before pissing and leaving. 😂😂

  16. I feel like this is women comedy because I don’t get it. I know many girls who complain that guys don’t get them off and are selfish

  17. Hey. I’m not saying that blue balls doesn’t exist. Just saying that it’s not an excuse you can use to make women feel obligated to get you off. It’s your fucking problem. And that’s what porn is for. The selection is unbelievable. Try it some time

  18. I'm convinced blue balls being painful is one of those 4chan memes, where they try to get some outrageous bullshit accepted by the public. Like the white supremacist 'ok sign'. Yes it's annoying, yes it's frustrating, but painful, come on…

  19. This set is pretty funny but I assure you blue balls is definitely a thing. My worse one was in my late teens when I was in a short lived relationship with this chick who was still a virgin, she slept in my bed for 2 nights with nobody getting off but just a little bit of falling around, I was rock solid all night both nights with no release because obviously I didn't wanna pressure the poor girl (should have just rubbed one out in the bathroom while she slept in hindsight lol) but yeh when she left I was in agonising pain for a week, it felt like my balls were being squeezed tighter and tighter by a vice grip, and at that point there's nothing you can do about it but wait it out… sure it can be exageratted but that situation wasn't, since then I don't share my bed with any women im attracted to unless there's a finisher happening before the lay down to sleep lol, lesson learnt the painful way

  20. Can't speak for anyone else, but "blue balls" is very painful. I'm sure people lie about having it at times to make the other person potentially feel bad, but it is really painful.

  21. The hell? Blue balls does exist, but I've personally been able to tough it out like… planking, really. Tough, but not life-threatening.
    Here's the formula for blue balls.

    You've got to tease us guys to get us on the edge of coming. After at least a week of no relief. You've got to play to his favorite fetish and put in all that extra effort to tease him. Unless, he's barely an adult and comes very easily. Either way, tease him to the point the sperm and semen are exiting their organs and getting in the firing tube, then just… stop. Then you watch him struggle like a man who failed his 5th rep of a benching press: stuck underneath a 200 pound bar. He looks at you, his spotter, and asks for help. Your job is to charge him exorbitant prices for solving his crisis, because a real man would be able to unstuck himself. Eventually, he will learn to roll that bar on his abs and off his thighs, get up on his own, and not need you ever again. Which is good, because if you don't like helping him, he hasn't been able to help you either.

  22. I’m loving all the comments of guys saying that blue balls really do hurt and women should finish what they started as if jacking off isn’t an option. Some dudes dicks are just not worth getting lock jaw over.

  23. It is not the women’s responsibility to get a guy off. The person that told her that is a d-bag. I don’t know why she believed it. That is just some antiquated turn of the century chauvinist garbage.

  24. That's BS! It is ABSOLUTE PAIN! Your sac swells up 3 to 4 times as normal and you cannot walk! It also gives you diarrhea and not being able to walk.

  25. What is she talking about? What is “blue balls”? Is it when you are hard but don’t cum? But there isn’t any pain, or it’s just me?

  26. She will usually want to return the favor if you get her off first, but if she is still giving you blue balls, just start taking care of it yourself. It's her choice if she is going to watch you rub one out like a failure or if she is going to get back in there and finish the job.

  27. 🤣🤣🤣 I thought it was funny… but all the whiny negative comments are even better, lmao. Is BB a real thing, sure. Is it painful, well that would depend on one's pain threshold.
    Getting kicked in the balls hurts, but generally that pain goes away. Stop whining and deal with it. If it is happening to you then perhaps you are not the desirable sex machine you think you are.

  28. Blue balls is the equivalent of a heart attack or stroke. Its just in your testicles and all the connected piping(prostate, seminal vesicles). I dont want to kiss or cuddle unless i know im getting some that day. Not being a jerk or withholding affection to extort sex, it just hurts and I dont want to deal with that congested feeling. Dont be a tease

  29. She need to teach a class to women for sure. She has so many good tips for them. This is more than just comedy to the smart ones. They expect a guy to stick around after a long period without sex. 😂

  30. Is this bleached-blonde asshole ANOTHER female Jewish Shock Comic? … or did Amy Schumer lose 90 pounds? …. "FUCK OFF BITCH … you're so stupid and shallow it's pathetic."

  31. Most of these comments are men who don’t seem to have any balls to begin with. Blue balls is nothing more than a headache. That is the extent of the pain. A headache in your balls. And it doesn’t last nearly as long. Grow a pair all you whiny incel fuckwads. She’s making fun of your bitching and moaning because you’re a bunch of whiny little bitches. Stop comparing childbirth to a ball ache. Idiots.

  32. Another woman telling men how to feel on something only a man can experience. Maybe men should tell women how pregnancy feels.

  33. I get an intense stressful agonizing pressure up inside where my dick "roots" into my body kind of an inch deeper into the body than the perineum and my taint aches and is sore. It really does effect different guys differently. Some guys it is like a no anesthetic vesectomy clamp being on and all the plumping gets super tender. Some dudes only get thtought puberty. It is real, and all guys are different.

  34. Men can act so damn entitled sometimes (and before one of you neo-Nazis replies like "wElL nOt aLl mEn" obviously not all men, but if you're really not one of these men, you'll know that this comment doesn't apply to you and you won't get salty af). Like, it's not our job on this planet to give you whatever the hell you want. And some men get hard by just making out with a woman; so does that mean we're obligated to get those guys off every time for simply making out with them? Also, can we talk about how when women get their periods, our hormones are going crazy so we often get VERY sexually frustrated? But usually no one wants to have sex with us during that time because there's blood coming out of us (which honestly I kinda get). So we have the pain of cramps AND the frustration of REALLY wanting to get laid but not being able to. And we deal with it.
    No one (women, men or NB folks) should feel like they're a bad person for simply not wanting to do something with someone. Period.

  35. Funny….. But its a feeling of pain! Just be straight girls. Say it aint gonna happen right now…. its that time of month, its too soon, its not happening, its sick….etc. So we can get away to rub it out….. or watch. Maybe just show a few womanly things…..

  36. You won't understand unless your testosterone is on overload. You're 10X more likely to fight or get into some nonsense, you might end up losing a friend or two because of the build up of aggression with no positive outlets. *Sigh… These are scientific facts people.

  37. Blue balls is real and doesn't hurt the most til the next mornin and u still haven't cum. It's up there with worst pains a guy can experience. Not fun at all.

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