Pete Lee and Nikki Glaser’s Relationship History – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

Thank you.
– I’ve never understood why we can’t just use our side of the arm rest, you know? Like, you, just like use
the edge of it, you know? I don’t think that’s so bad.
– [Nikki] Like share an edge? – Yeah, both have an arm on the edge. – Because then your arms will touch, and that will not be fun.
– That’ll make you gay. (upbeat music) We’re back, it’s You Up with Nikki Glaser. We’re in the middle of
talking to Pete Lee. I wanna just get to how you
met your girlfriend because you met your girlfriend on a plane. I think we talked about it–
– Flying to see you. (laughs) – Flying to see me and possibly– – With a possible hook-up– – Scenario. – Yes, scenario, and– – Between you or? – Okay, so, (stammers). For any listener–
– Her. who doesn’t know the
history of me and Pete Lee, and then how this lovely lady, who is one of my best friends came to be, is that Pete Lee and I
fell in love when I was 20, you were like 43. (laughter) Pete Lee was my first love. We fell in love. I was on the road in Kansas City. He was on the road, I lived there. I was doing a guest set, he was featuring. We met, we had a weekend
together, we fell in love, we had sex at the end of the weekend, which we all know what happens, I’ve talked about it already. And, (laughter) first orgasm. Not a big deal, okay. Major deal to a woman. So I fell in love with him, we were gonna be together forever, he had a girlfriend back in New York, who he was gonna break up with, and I was gonna move to New
York after I graduate college, and go live with him. He never broke up with her. He chose her over me, Bachelor style. (laughter)
He loved us both, apparently. But then I never talked to him. I said when he broke
up with me, I was like I’m never gonna talk to you again, and I didn’t talk to him for 11-ish years. – [Pete] 11-ish years. And we were both doing comedy
and would see each other, never saw him. Finally, I started hating someone else more than I hated you. (laughter)
It freed up space to be friends with you because I was like, I want him back in my life, he’s, he married that girl, by the way. He made the right choice at the time. – At the time, it was, it’s like war. It’s, everything’s okay
until nothing’s okay. And then the marriage fell apart. I became–
I was elated to hear that news when I did. It was like the greatest
news ever it was like. (evil laugh)
(laughter) It was that laugh. Your laughing like the lady that stole the Little Mermaid’s voice. (laughter) – Ursula, oh my god, totally. It makes me evil how much I
loved that you were in pain. (laughter) Oh, I loved it. So then, so then, I ended up, and
then Pete was single. I knew that, but I didn’t really care. He reached out to be like, “Hey, can we talk about what happened 10,” I think it was like 9 years at that point. You were like, we ran
into each other at Stand. It was awkward. You brought me on stage
’cause we had never had to interact at all. And I went to The Stand one night, and he was hosting and I was like, I’m on the show, he has to say my name, I have to shake his hand. Shit. I go on stage, I just go, this is weird. Or what did I say?
– You go, “This is not ideal.” – This is not ideal. (laughter)
And then I just took the mic, and was like I ain’t run. And then I got home, I had an email from Pete being like, that was not ideal was the subject. – Subject, this is not ideal. (laughs) – And then he wrote, he was like, “Hey, it’s been a long time. “I have a lot to tell you. “I made a promise to my
ex-wife that I would never talk “to you again, like I
wouldn’t reach out to you.” Which makes sense. “So I never had a chance to
tell you how I felt about it, “and why I chose it and all this, “and I would love to get
coffee and talk about it.” And I was like no thanks, still hate you. Not ready for, this is enough closure. Like hello, goodbye, no friendship. Then, then I started hating someone else with the same venom that I
hate you for 11 years almost. And the one night I saw you at The Stand, and you were in some
interaction with someone, having a conversation. And I was like oh I want, you would always be talking to my friends, and I couldn’t talk to them because you would be talking to them, and I had to not talk to you. So one night you were talking
to Yanis and some people, and I just remember you
said something funny, and I looked at you, ’cause I was involved in the
conversation at this point. And I looked at you and I was like, oh, I don’t hate him anymore. And I was like that’s so weird. (laughter) It just was this thing
that was there forever, and it just wasn’t. And I was like, I felt
an affection for him. Not like oh, sparks, but it was just like, ah Pete, I miss you. And it was because I hated someone else, and I’m monogamous with hate,
(laughter) and I’m polyamorous with love. But I can only hate one man at a time. – I think we should all do that. I think we should all pick one
person in our lives to hate. – [Nikki] Yes. – And then one to love. – And now I don’t even
hate that guy anymore, so I don’t know who I hate now, that’s– – When you started to not
hate that guy anymore, I was like uh. – I know, I know.
(laughter) Watch out. – Yeah, I felt like a baseball player that’s having a bad season. I’m like, I’m gonna be traded.
(laughter) I am out. – Battin’ a nice 200. (laughter) – So am I telling, is there anything you’d like to interject? At this point? – No, I, first of all, you’ve told it very efficiently. – Yeah, I’ve told it so many times, I’m just getting through, just so you can get to you meeting– – Reader’s Digest, yeah. – So then, he writes and then that night, I was like, oh I wanna be friends with him again. Then, I was still, I think
still in a relationship at the time and then I
broke up with my boyfriend. I heard Pete Lee had
broken up with a girlfriend that he was with after his marriage ended. And I was like oh we’re both single, he’s someone I had sex with before. This would be an easy thing to just like, I need to get back on the horse. Ya know. I should just have casual
sex with Pete Lee probably. – Yeah.
– Yeah. Not like pursue a relationship,
but see what’s there. – [Pete] She was like, “This is ideal. – This is ideal.
(laughter) This is ideal. So I wrote you and was like
hey, let’s get that coffee. I’m ready to be friends
or whatever it was I said. (laughter) And then, Jaime, is this weird? I know it’s, you’re the coolest. What? – Coaching him, and– – [Nikki] Oh yeah, yeah we’ll get to that. – [Pete] Oh you guys knew
each other at the time. – We’ll totally get to that, that’s so, it’s so insane. So then. So then, I reach out to
him ’cause my friend goes, “Oh, Pete broke up with this girl.” And I was like, oh I need to have sex, and I’ll, I’m ready to
be friends with him. I already knew that. And so I reached out to you. You were in LA at the
time, I knew you were. And I was like let’s hang
out and you were like, “Hey, I’m really busy.” And I was like oh he’s not single. There’ no, he would make
time to hang out with me if he were single, I just know it. – Yeah, I would’ve. – And whether or not you
wanted to sleep with, we, there was, we have a good friendship. Or it was always there,
that chemistry of good love. And so I was like, I just sensed
the girl was still around. And so you were like, “I’m running sets for Fallon,
I’m working on my Fallon set, “so I don’t have any free nights.” And I was like well I’m taking
the nights off of comedy, so I have no sets and I
won’t be seeing you anywhere. (laughter)
I remember saying that. And really believing it. And then I got asked to
do this set last minute, and I was like ah, I have
nothing to do tonight. I walk in and Pete’s there with that girl, so my lie is now–
– Wow, yeah. – It wasn’t even, and I have
to walk by, it was just. And but we were like, I was like hi. I think I just grabbed
your shoulder or something. – We hugged, you and I hugged, and she was not happy about that. – I knew her from before you. I was friends with her ex-boyfriend. And she iced me that night and I was like, whoa this isn’t good. So I quickly left after my set. Cut to, we started being friends again. Shortly after that, you
were still with her, and then, can I get in on this? – Yeah it was at the end, and it was at the end of her and I, and things were rocky. And then Nikki and I were
legitimately just friends, but I had her saved in my
phone as a different name ’cause I felt weird. – That’s always a good
feeling inside, isn’t it? – Yeah.
– Yeah. (laughter) – And I knew it.
– At one point you– I go, Pete, we’re really emotionally
involved right now. We were just talking on
the phone all the time, always friends. Nothing, nothing that your ex-girlfriend could’ve overheard and been like, “You guys!” Like nothing. – Yeah, zero perversion. – Zero, literally zero. But I go, I have a feeling
that she doesn’t know. I would only get to talk to
you when she wasn’t around. She didn’t know, but I just had a feeling, because she’s wasn’t someone
that would be able to handle you having a girl friend
as close as we were. – [Pete] That’s a good way to say it. – And so, I said, I’m gonna say, I go, I have a feeling that
right now I’m in your phone not as Nikki Glaser, like it is. And you were like, “Yeah, you’re, you’re not.” – Yeah.
– Like you’re– – You are, yeah, you are not, you’re saved as my friend Josh Wade. Still, when Josh Wade
texts me, I’m like Nikki. It’s really weird. (laughs)
– And so then I was like, you got, this is gonna end. I gotta pull out because you’re getting the fun of like friend,
like this emotional support that I know you’re not
getting in your relationship, and I’m providing that for you because she is not nice. And so I’m gonna pull out. So I’ll talk to you in two
weeks when you guys break up because there’s now way
that you’re gonna be able to stay with her without
having me as your friend, talking you through it. – The table leg. – The, I was a table
leg and I pulled it out ’cause your table is
now gonna be unsteady. Two weeks later he’s like, “We broke up. And I wrote back ha ha ha. (laughter) And you, and then I called
you and you were crying. – I called you, yeah, you
called me, I was crying pathetically in a hotel in Iowa, which is even worse. – Yeah, that’s a bad spot to cry. – Yeah and then Nikki
was like, she was like, “Where are you?” “I’ll come see you.” And
blah blah blah blah blah. – [Nikki] No, I literally said I just got out of a relationship too. Do you wanna have sex with each other, and project our feelings about
our exes onto each other? – Yeah. – I’ll come find you. So we looked at our schedules. I was like you’re in
Chicago, I can fly out there. I almost bought a ticket
and then I was like, no that’s ridiculous. You’re gonna be in LA in a couple weeks. So then? – Yeah, so I was like
yeah I’m gonna be in LA next weekend and you were like, “Oh what for?” And I was just like
stuff, meetings, whatever, but it was to go see her. But I couldn’t admit that ’cause of cool guy stuff,
you know I’m so cool. (laughter) I’m flying there that weekend, and I sit down next to Jaime on the plane. – Randomly sit next to
this girl on the plane. – Randomly sit next to it, and we were sitting in
the last row, first class, the reason being, tying this all together, we don’t wanna recline our seats on anyone ’cause we’re both nice, people pleasers. (laughter) And, yeah, and so I say hello to her. I was like yeah, I’m gonna
go to sleep, blah blah blah, bathroom and then she wraps
her sweater around her head and falls asleep ’cause she calls herself an ugly sleeper.
– ‘Cause that’s what she does. – She says.
– Yeah. (laughter) – And so she creates a
cocoon around her head so no one can see her ugly sleep. It’s brilliant. I respect it.
– It’s brilliant. – It also makes it dark,
which is quite nice. – Yeah.
– Yes, yes. – [Jaime] Protects all the parts. – Yeah, everything, you’re protected. I love it.
– Everything. So she, so then we wake up
about two hours into the flight, and I start telling her,
yeah I’m going to see Nikki, and like we were friends,
I tell her the whole story. I just, you know, we just told. And so she’s rooting for us, you know? I remember the next day, ’cause we got there, you
stayed the night at my hotel, nothin’ happened. – Well, I got my dogs out for the night, I was like I’m goin’ to Pete Lee’s. I packed my little bag. I just, (laughs) I had just taped, I was coming from a
taping of Drop the Mic, which is a rap battle competition, another worse idea I ever signed up for, (laughter) where I competed in a rap battle. And I rap taping and I had my car service just take me straight to The Roosevelt, to go hang out with you. – To go hang out and
the thing we’re missing is we had lunch and I landed, and then I told you about her.
– Oh yeah. You told me about her, yeah! – I told you about her,
which is not a good move, but the reason why I told you
about it is ’cause I was like we’re friends and I
don’t wanna be dishonest, but then also you’re
kind of a cock, you know? And whatever.
– Oh right, yeah. – So I was like if there’s
anybody that’d be cool with meeting a girl that
I vibed with, it’d be you, and nothing happened. – Exactly, that’s a good point. – That’s funny, you are kind of a cock. – I am, I like hearing about guys I like being into other women
and them being into them. So that was a, I didn’t
realize that was a move you were doing, but.
(laughter) – I wasn’t really doing a– – And it didn’t work
(laughs) because I went over to your hotel room and there was, I was just like we’re just friends. What are we doing? – It was so weird. It was just so weird. – But, I had gotten my, I had already had the night from the dogs, I was far away from my apartment, and I go, Pete, I, we were just like, it was just, we were having fun, but it was like, when are we gonna hook up, if at all? You know, that vibe? – Yeah.
– Yeah. – And I was just like, Pete, I gotta be honest. I’m just feelin’ a friend vibe right now. And you were like, “Oh my god thank god, me too.” And we were both, and I go, can I still spend the night ’cause I don’t wanna go back home? Can I just sleep in the same bed? And so we slept next to
each other as friends. I had my noise-canceling headphones, and my sleep mask. He had his sleep apnea machine on. – CPAP machine.
(laughter) Hell yeah. I kept thinkin’ the whole night, when’s she gonna come over
and make a move, ya know? – [Guy] That’s the clench it,
the old sleep apnea machine. (Nikki blows air) (laughter) It would be great if you had
like a Darth Vader fetish, and that was your way of getting her. – Yeah. (laughs) – Okay, Pete Lee, back to you
meeting the love of your life on a plane. So you flew to LA, you meet this girl, you’re telling this girl
about this other girl that you’re gonna meet that, and what was her advice to you? What did you think about this
girl when you first saw her? Was there like, I mean you were obviously
attracted to her. – Very attracted to her eyes were just, I was melting with her eyes. And I remember thinking– – [Nikki] I know the feeling,
I saw her last night, and the night before.
– Yeah, right? Those eyes.
– It’s crazy. She’s so pretty. – She’s so pretty and she had
such a chill, warm, deep vibe. – And she talks like this,
like she just talks like, so very like.
(laughter) It’s just earnest and kinda just, she’s I hears you and
will put her arm on you, and just, you feel understood.
(laughter) I said this the other day, but one night I was crying at the cellar because some said something, and she just, I didn’t even know her. It was the first time I had met her, and she reached across
the table and was like, “Can I hold your hand?” And she held my hand as
I weeped into my hummus. And then later, and it felt so nice, and I’m really uncomfortable
with hand-holding. I’ve never held hands with
boyfriends or any, it just– – Yeah, we’ve never held hands. (laughs) – My parents don’t hold my hands, as a kid I just crossed
the street on my own. And so I was like I hold your hand, ’cause she seems like she knows
that this is gonna help me, and I trust her. And then she, the thing that killed me was later on, she wrote me a text that said, “Thank you for letting me hold your hand.” And I wept when I read that. It was so sweet ’cause I was like, that was hard for me to do
and she acknowledged it. It was so, and I’m like, why is she thanking me? She was comforting me! She’s a god damn angel! Okay, go on. – [Pete] Yeah.
(laughter) She’s a magic person. – She really is.
– She really is. Yeah, so then, I just, I felt such a deep connection. When I left her at the airport, I missed her, like immediately. And then, we went on our separate
ways and stayed in touch via Instagram. I remember the next day, I was like, yeah it didn’t work out, blah blah blah. We went back and forth
and talked about that. Just kinda stayed in
touch, like at a distance, for a long time.
– Sure, yeah. – For a long, long time. And then, yeah and then, I was single and I was dating. You and I were kinda, I
don’t know how to say it, like single together, you know? It would be like awful date, come back, talk to each other on the
phone kind of a thing. All of the, just the worst
of the worst situations. And you always went, “But what about plane girl? “What about plane girl?” And then it turned out that I– – P-L-A-N-E. (laughter) – Shawn was like, “Wow, what a shitty thing to call you. (laughter) – “What about plane girl?” Well because,
(laughter) when I landed that day and I told you, you looked at her Instagram
and you go, you’re like, “I think something’s there.” I go, first of all you look alike. (laughter)
– You said that we look alike, but– – When two people look, people are always drawn to
people who kinda look like them, and it’s not an insult
like you look like a man, or that you look like a woman, even though you kinda do.
(laughter) That was a joke, but no. You guys have similar things going on. – Similar features, I
have a joke in my act where I can’t ever lie
to her ’cause she can open my phone with her face. (laughter)
– Ah, that’s so funny! You had a joke last night that you go, “You ever eat so much that your phone “doesn’t recognize your face?” (laughter) That was such a good joke. Oh my god. – That was basically, I
ate so much at a party that I, my phone wouldn’t
unlock and I was like, (laughter)
god Peter, what are you doing? You’re off the rails.
– So funny. – But so, yeah so her and I, I remember when we finally
came back together, to meet up, I walked into the hotel
lobby where she was staying, and I just felt that
vibe, that energy again, that deep connection of
like this is the person you’re supposed to be with. But when I first met
her, that was a few days after I had gotten out
of that relationship. And I was like well anybody you meet, you’re gonna vibe with them. And I didn’t realize that you could go on, you know, 20 dates and you
wouldn’t vibe with any of them, and that was such a special thing. – And a lot of times I
feel like people discount who, they’ll meet the person
they’re meant to be with right out of a relationship and they go, “But it’s probably just
my out of a relationship, “like everyone’s.” Because that does happen. And sometimes you can discredit
those actual true things, and you need to come back
around to them later, because you don’t acknowledge
them for what they are in the moment because
you can’t because it’s– – [Shawn] You’re clouded. – Yes.
– Like the idea that it’s impossible. – Yes, yes.
– Yeah. – Yeah and it’s so weird because, I said, I told her I loved her like right away. I had a, you know my Ron Cagoni? – [Nikki] Yeah.
– He told me, he was like, “Pump the breaks, pump the break, sister! “You’re movin’ “at lesbian speed here.” (laughter) “Alright, there’s gonna be a
moving van out front next.” And I was like, I just
kept telling people, no, no, she’s really great. And they’re like, “No, you move fast, you’re moving fast. And then people, now that
they meet here, they’re like, “What are you doin’? “Move faster! “She’s special, what’s happening?” ‘Cause yeah, when she meets people, she changes them. It’s insane. – Last night Elna, even, or we hung out last night and
we just talked about Jaime after you guys left for the whole time. Just about how amazing she is. People get it right away. And it’s not, that’s not hyperbole. It is, there’s something, and I knew it when you guys finally, when you were connected, I was like, uh oh, this is it. I felt it from your texts even about her. I was like yeah, this is. I was like can I be your best man? (laughter)
I asked right away. – You said that, yeah. I texted you sex with a bunch of Xs. (laughs) And you wrote, “Can I be your best man?” (laughter) – [Nikki] Can I? – Yeah, you can. – Okay, good.
– Seriously, you can. – [Nikki] Thank you, me and your brother? – Yeah, you and Rob can be co-best men. – Okay, thank god.
– Best theys. (laughter) It’s gonna be a
gender-neutral ceremony, but. (laughter) But yeah, I remember I
sent you a picture of us fairly early on, and you go, “Oh my god, that looks like
an engagement picture.” And then I sent you, it was one of the first times that we were really hanging out. And we were having sex,
like I sent you a picture of us.
(laughter) We were just like in bed, but
we have shirts on and stuff. – It was too, it was too in bed for like a,
(laughter) it was too, it was too in– – But that’s what those throws will do, is you’ll lose the filter all night. – Yes!
– Well this is where, this is the one. – You’re right, you’re
so in it, you’re like, “People gotta see this. – Look at what we have.
(laughter) Look, he loves me! – And you go, (laughs) you wrote back, “Okay… I gotta set
some boundaries here.” (laughter) ‘Cause I, you go, “I feel like I’m having a
three-way with you two right now.” – I thought you guys, it felt
like when you guys are like, “We can’t wait to meet you.” It felt like that kind
of vibe and I’m like, I don’t like this. I’m so happy for you. And the thing was, I was already
becoming friends with her through your texts. You’d be like, “Jaime said
she can’t wait to meet you.” And I’m like I can’t wait to meet her. And then I called you once, and you were in the car together. That was the first time we talked, Jaime, was in the car when you guys were driving, on the way to something. And I think I just, what? – You were worried about something (laughs) getting stuck in you. That is so funny.
– Oh wait. What story was that? Oh, when there was a cap stuck in me? – [Jaime] Yes. – Yeah, yeah, I don’t, that’s so, oh my god that’s so weird. I remember I was getting done with a run, and then I called you. And whenever I get done with
a run, I just run a lot, so I’m like (speaking gibberish). And I’m talking so fast
and I remember being like, she’s gonna think I’m psycho. And then I was talking about, oh! ‘Cause I was talking about
Sully landing on the Hudson. Because I was running along
the Hudson and I was like, I’m right by where Sully landed. And I remember the day Sully landed, because that was the day
that my boyfriend found a weird cap inside my vagina
(laughter) that was left by an, and
I mean it’s a crazy story. But he was (stammers). – Please just finish
the sentence about why there’s a cap inside you.
– Yeah why was there a cap in you?
– Do you not know this story? – I have never heard this
story, I don’t think. – No way.
– It’s a great story. – Okay.
– I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard this one.
– How many minutes do we have? – [Woman] Eight, go, go. – Oh my god.
(laughter) I’m so sorry that this, I’m really, I hate that it is. So, January 17th, 2,000. (laughter) Whatever he landed on the Hudson, I got a hotel room, I was in St. Louis. My boyfriend and I both lived
with out parents at the time. I was like, we were both drunk and broke. And I got us a hotel room that night, and I remember I was waiting all day for him to get off work. He
showed up, we’re having sex. He goes, what, we had just started dating,
maybe a couple weeks then. And he was like, “What is that? And I’m like what is what? And he’s like, “I feel something scraping my dick.” and I’m like what?
– Oh shit. – I don’t have an IUD or anything, so I was like what, I was really offended. And he’s like, “I swear to god.” And I was like what are you talking about? And so then I reach inside
myself and I was like, (gasps) what is that? What is that? And he’s like, “I don’t
know, I felt it for a while. “I didn’t want to say anything.” And I’m like I don’t know what that is! I’m really, and I was just so embarrassed. I’m getting embarrassed
right now even reliving it. ‘Cause I was like I
don’t put things in me. (laughter)
I don’t have anything in me. And so, he, my fingers weren’t
long enough to get it out. It was so lodged up. So he had longer fingers, so
he fuckin’ slender man’s up, (laughter)
and forceps it out. It is a blue cap, it
looks like ChapStick cap. – Oh, damn. You’re dry and you
thought that would fix it? – I did, doesn’t that make sense? (laughter) But the ChapStick was nowhere to be found, and it still exists up there.
(laughter) Anyway, I mean trying to
make a long story short. I pull it out, I am like
I don’t know what this is. And he’s like, “Yeah right, why would you
have something in you?” And I’m like I don’t know what it is. I kept it, ’cause I was like
I’m gonna figure this out. I don’t, I call my doctor and I’m like is there anyway you could’ve
left something in me? And I’m like I’m gonna make some money. Because this is bad malpractice. – Sure. – And then I got a
lawyer and they’re like, “Are you affected, were you, “is your health impacted at all?” And I’m like, ’cause I went back to, it would’ve been a year
that it was left in me, based on the last time
I was at the doctor. – Jesus. – And that’s the only time
things are in my vagina, like, things, you know?
– Right. – When they are doctors down there– – Odds and ends. (laughs) – Buttons, legs. – Yeah, you don’t know what’s goin’ on. There’s a sheet, you’re
just like whatever. Willy-nilly. And so, I remember the lawyer being like, “Were you affected at all?” And I was like, I mean
emotionally, it was embarrassing. He’s like, “Maybe there’s something
there, but probably not.” And I was like damn it. So then I convinced my
boyfriends at the time that, he believed me. I was like I truly don’t know what it was. It’s so weird. I was gonna string it on a
necklace for Valentine’s Day as a joke. Never did that, grateful that I didn’t. (laughter) And then I, one night, I was like I’m gonna Google blue cap vagina and just see what pops up. And sure enough, there
was a girl that posted on a message board, “I found a blue cap in my vagina. “I don’t know what it is. “Does anyone else have this, found this?” And there was a picture of it, and it was the same thing. And I was like–
– Whoa. – Oh my god, I found my like
Traveling Pants sisterhood. So I emailed her and I was
like, girl, I have this. I took a picture of mine, I was like we what is this? And she was like, “I
don’t know what it is!” She lived in Des Moines. I was supposed to be in
Des Moines the next weekend at the Funny Bone.
– Wow. And I go, come to a show,
I’ll get you in, she’s like, “I’m not interested.”
(laughter) She literally did not go to the show. – That’s insane.
– And I gave her free tickets, and she’s my age and a
cool girl, I thought. I was like, what– – Cool girl type of girl
who has caps in her pussy. (laughter)
– Yeah, cool cap girl. – She’s verified. (laughter)
– It literally has a blue. (laughter) So, she never showed, but
she got weird about it. She was like, “I think this is a government conspiracy. I think it’s a camera. I think that doctors are
doing some weird shit.” And I was like (breathes deeply), I don’t know if I believe that. And so I kinda left it alone. Couple more years pass
and I was just like, well there’s one girl with a blue cap. We still don’t know what it is. Doesn’t have a serial number on it. It’s just a plastic
ChapStick cap lid size thing. And then I Googled it one
more time, years later, and another thing came up
and it was another girl in a message board that said, “I found a blue cap in my vagina.” (laughter)
And then, there was a response to it that said, “That’s a Monistat cap “from a Monistat thing. So I had given myself, I
guess I had a yeast infection at one point, which I didn’t
even remember ever having one. I literally was like I’ve never put any, I don’t remember having one, but I, you know when you do a thing? There’s a cap that you’re
supposed to take off that many–
– Oh! – Many bitches are forgettin’
to take this cap off. And I did it to myself and so I wrote back the Des Moines girl to be like hey girl, long time no talk. (laughs) I’m not coming back to town anytime soon, but I found out what the, it’s not an alien- government conspiracy. Like you, you and I are
stupid and don’t know how Monistat works, and she was like, “No, I still think it’s…”
(laughter) She literally would not give up the– – [Guy] Oh my god. – So in the end, I just didn’t
know how to use a thing, and it, I had a cap in my
vagina for a really long time. And it was gross and
that’s the story of the cap that I told on the phone
with you the first time that I met you. (laughter)
We’re gonna talk to my mom, and my mom just is probably on the line listening to all this. I don’t know if you knew about
this, Mom, but now you do. We’ll be back with more show after this. (rock music)

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