-Thank you. Wow! This is a dream
come true for me. I mean, especially me because I don’t even look like
I’m gonna be funny, you know? [ Laughter ] It’s my face.
it’s like a little TED Talky. Like it looks like I’m about to
use the phrase renewable energy. I know that.
[ Laughter ] It’s a hurdle. A lot of people have kids,
’cause they’re like, “Well, if you don’t,
who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old?”
But there’s no guarantee your kids are gonna
take care of you, you know? Take my parents’ kid
for example. [ Laughter and applause ] I’d be more apt to have kids if
they would take care of me now. You know, like,
I would adopt someone if they’re old enough to drive. [ Laughter ] Then my friends would call me up
and be like, “Today, little Emma
took her first steps.” I’d be like, “Oh, really? Wow! Ron just dropped me off
at the airport. Yeah.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I love my nephew so much. He makes me hesitant
to have kids ’cause I’m afraid
I might have kids and then they don’t
measure up to him, you know? I told my girlfriend that.
She goes, “That’s ridiculous.” She goes, “That’s like
never getting married because you’re afraid you’re
gonna meet someone better.” And I’m like, “Yeah.”
[ Laughter and applause ] I’m dyslexic. That’s tough, man, because you
don’t see it coming. You know, I just arrived in the
first grade — you have no idea. I arrived in the first grade.
Everyone started reading. I was like,
“Meh, I’m gonna stare out the window for a decade. But,
you guys, you do your thing.” [ Laughter ] I found out I wasn’t going to
learn how to read at 6. That’s young to get bad news
about the future. [ Laughter ] That’s like pulling a kid aside
and being like, “Hey, there’s a good chance you’re gonna be
a degenerate gambler.” [ Laughter ] He’s like, “What are the odds?” [ Laughter and applause ] Third grade was tough
’cause the teacher was old, and she learned to teach
before dyslexia was invented. So she didn’t think
it was a thing. She thought it was something
people made up to get attention. Like a gluten allergy. [ Laughter and applause ] She’d make, like,
the whole class read, and then it would be my turn. I’d be like,
“Yeah, I can’t read. It’s the same situation
as yesterday.” [ Laughter ] She’d be like, “Sound it out.” I’d be like,
“Nice try. That’s reading.” [ Laughter ] That is so insensitive, man. Tell a dyslexic child
to sound it out? That’d be like if someone pulled
you aside and said, “Hey, I can’t eat this. I’m
deathly allergic to peanuts.” And you’re like, “Chew slowly.” [ Laughter ] They put me in special ed.
I was in special ed. My mom did all my homework,
all my projects. They still put me there. [ Laughter ] It’s true.
My mom would always say to me, she’d say, “You know, there’s
nothing to be ashamed about being in special ed,”
and I’m glad she felt that way ’cause technically
she was in it too. [ Laughter and applause ] I am so close to my mom.
My mom had surgery last year. I went to the hospital. I was so, like, upset and
nervous I immediately fainted. As I came to, the doctor was
panicking and said to my dad, “Does he have
any medical conditions we need to know about?” My dad said, “He has OCD.” [ Laughter ] That’s not pertinent to
the situation at all. He just started talking smack. [ Laughter ]
The doctor’s like, “Seriously, is there anything
we need to know?” My dad’s like,
“He owes us 5 grand.” Yeah.
[ Laughter ] I have a new girlfriend.
She’s Indian. And sometimes
I’ll tell people that, and they’re like,
“Native American or from India?” And I’m like, “First off, rude.” [ Laughter ] “Secondly, I will
look into that.” [ Laughter and applause ] She has
an emotional support dog, which I have no experience with. So the first time
she cried in front of me, I just kind of innocently
looked at the dog and was like, “Do you got this?” [ Laughter ] I have no experience with pets
at all. When I was a kid,
I would ask for a pet, and my parents would say, “Well,
what will we do when we travel?” Then we never went anywhere. [ Laughter ] My friend was like, “Weren’t you
lonely without a dog?” I was like, “No, I was busy
preparing for this voyage the whole time.”
[ Laughter ] Last time I was home, just out
of the blue, my mom goes, “We should have
gotten you a dog.” That always hurts, right? You’re hanging out
with your parents. They start brainstorming ways you could have been
a better person? [ Laughter ] Same trip, out of nowhere,
my mom goes, “When we get old, I hope you
don’t put us in a home.” And I was like, “Well, what will
I do when I travel?” [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you guys so much! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Phil Hanley! Phil Hanley. For more, visit philhanley.com.