Shane Torres Performs Stand-Up


>>Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHO HAS PERFORMED ON “CONAN” AND
COMEDY CENTRAL. GIVE IT UP FOR SHANE TORRES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>HELLO! HELLO? HOW ARE YOU ED SULLIVAN THEATER,
YEAH? ALL RIGHT. I KNOW THAT I AM GETTING OLDER
BECAUSE I HAVE STARTED TO MAKE MORE NOISE LAYING DOWN THAN
STANDING UP. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT HAPPENS SOMEWHERE AFTER 30. AS SOON AS MY HEAD HITS THE
PILLOW NOW, I JUST — ( LAUGHTER )
HEEEEEH! JUST GET THIS DAY OFF OF ME. I TURN ON MY SIDE, I SOUND LIKE
A CITY BUS COMING TO A STOP. HEEEH! TTTSTH. THE NEXTkO■ MORNING I WAKE UP WI
MORE PAIN THAN THE NIGHT BEFORE. HOW ARE YOU SORE FROM REST,
FATTY? NOBODY TOLD ME I WOULD BE YOUNG
FOREVER BUT NOBODY TOLD ME IT WOULD END SO DAMN FAST. IT HAPPENS QUICKER THAN YOU
THINK. IN MY 20s, I WAS A LUNATIC. I’D SNORT IT, SHOOT IT, DRINK
IT, SCREW IT, AND NOW IF I HAVE CHEESE I WANT TO LAY ON A COLD
FLOOR. ( LAUGHTER )
IT AFFECTS ME EVEN LIKE I WANT TO GO SEE MY PHYSICIAN IN MY
20s — THAT’S A DOCTOR — ( LAUGHTER )
— I WOULD GO SEE HER AND I WAS SO CARE FREE THEN. SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
YOU’RE DOING PRETTY GOOD, BUT MAYBE JUST LOSE A FEW POUNDS. I WOULD BE SO OPTIMISTIC, IT’S
OKAY, DOC, HERE I COME, WORLD! BUT I TURNED. BUT NOW LIFE HAS BEATEN ME
PRETTY GOOD. ( LAUGHTER )
YOUR LAUGH IS HAWPTING — HAUNTING. WHEN I GO SEE HER NOW I TAKE IT
PERSONALLY. SHE’S, LIKE, YOU NEED TO LOSE
SOME WEIGHT AND I’M, LIKE, I DON’T LIKE YOUR DAMN GLASSES. WE’RE SAYING
OTHER? MY CHOLESTEROL IS HIGH, YOUR
CO-PAY IS HIGH. HOW DOES THAT FEEL? NONE OF THESE NURSES LIKE YOU. I DRINK LESS THAN I EVER HAVE. IT IS STILL A PROBLEMATIC
AMOUNT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S THE KIND OF DRINKING IF WE WENT TO BRUNCH YOU WOULD BE LIKE
WHO GETS SCOTCH WITH A WAFFLE? ( LAUGHTER )
I GOT BUDDIES WHO ARE GETTING SOBER. YOU EVER HAD SOMEONE DO THAT TO
YOUR FRIENDSHIP? ( LAUGHTER )
( BLEEP ) WHAT A BUMMER THAT I WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS I NEVER
HAD A FRIEND WHOSE ASSOCIATE WAS LESS IRRITATING THAN THEIR
ADDICTION WAS. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE, YEAH, I HAD THIS BUDDY, HE’S SOBER, HE CAUGHT A TOUCH OF
CHRIST. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE WAS THE FUNNEST DRUNK I’D EVER MET IN MY LIFE. GREW UP WITH HIM IN TEXAS, A
DUDE NAMED TODD. I WOULD BE, LIKE, WE’RE GOING
FOR COCKTAILS TONIGHT. WHAT DO YOU SAY? HE’S, LIKE, YEAH, FORGET CHILD
SUPPORT! TODD IS AWESOME! I’M, LIKE, I’M HAVING A
BARBECUE. HE’S, LIKE, I’M GOING TO SHOOT
MY GUN IN YOUR POOL! YEAH! TODD WAS AWESOME. NOW TODD IS SOBER AND HE IS A
HUSK OF A MAN I KNEW, TRULY JUST A TURTLE WITHOUT A SHELL. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, ONE OF THE THINGS THAT’S VERY IRRITATING ABOUT TODD’S
ASSOCIATE IS HE NOW THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN EVERYBODY BECAUSE HE
DOESN’T DRINK, A REAL CHEEKY LITTLE JERK. WE’LL BE OUT TO DINNER AND HE’LL
SAY SOMETHING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE — ARE YOU REALLY
GOING TO HAVE A FIFTH BOTTLE OF WINE FOR DINNER? ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, TODD, I’LL HAVE VALIUM WITH MY CARROT CAKE, I’M NOT THE
ONE WITH THE PROBLEM AT THE TABLE. ALL OF A SUND YOU’RE NOT PARKING
ON YOUR NEIGHBOR’S LAWN AT 4 IN THE MORNING, YOU’RE BETTER THAN
EVERYBODY ELSE. TODD, THAT’S A DUMB DUMB ASS NAM
( LAUGHTER ) HONESTLY, WHO THE HELL LOOKS AT
A NEWBORN BABY NOT YET HAVING SINNED IN THIS WORLD, SEES THEIR
CHILD DRAW ITS FIRST BREATH AND REST ITS HEAD UPON THE BOSOM OF
ITS MOTHER AND THINKS “TODD”? WHAT, DO YOU WANT IT TO BE DUMB? LOOK, I GET IT, NAMING A KID IS
A BIGGER RESPONSIBLE THAN PEOPLE MAKE IT OUT TO BE. MY BEST FRIEND WHO GREW UP IN
TEXAS HAD HIS FIRST LITTLE BOY, HE NAMED HIM LARRY. I MET AN INFANT NAMED LARRY. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE’S MY SON, LARRY IF BABY. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? IS HE ALREADY 100 YEARS OLD? ( LAUGHTER )
MY NAME IS DUMB, I GET IT. MY NAME IS SHANE TORRES. I GOT THAT NAME BECAUSE MY
MOTHER WAS FROM SOUTHERN IRELAND AND MY FATHER WAS FIRST
GENERATION MEXICAN-AMERICAN. SHANE IRISH, TORRES THE SMITH OF
MEXICAN LAST NAMES AND THAT MAKES ME CATHOLIC. THIS YEAR FOR LENT I’M GIVING UP
HOPE. ( LAUGHTER )
COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE, THOUGH. LIKE IF MY DAD HAD BEEN IRISH
AND MY MOM HAD BEEN MEXICAN. PARENTS WOULD HAVE NAMED HE LIKE
JUAN MCDOUGALL. ( LAUGHTER )
FERNANDO FI FI FITZGIBBON! THANKS YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.>>STEPHEN: SHANE TORRES,
EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

100 Replies to “Shane Torres Performs Stand-Up”

  1. Anxiety Meds have robbed people of their sense of humour. so NOTHING IS FUNNY. Everything is an attack on a victim. if you can't laugh at stupid things, stand up comedians, then you have a very serious problem. Get Help. your meds are robbing you of your Life.

  2. Don't know why it has that many dislikes, but I loved the set. His delivery is on point and even though you saw where the Todd line was going, the set up and his tone made me still laugh out loud.

  3. Fatalist comedians like Shane Torrez seem part of an intentional narrative spun by corporations' socially-engineered society to steer folks away from an optimistic future and thus making it easy to elect and adopt destructive people and policies. Thanks CBS for helping us all better understand who the real ENEMIES OF THE STATE are…

  4. Meanwhile, there's a stand-up comedian named Julio Torres performing on Fallon's show… Wonder if these two are related!

  5. Shane is funny as fuck. If this didn't make you laugh…. look up his bit defending Guy Fieri… and if that doesn't make you laugh… you're dead inside.

  6. holly shit that was good. I love when they go up and go for it hard and this guy went hard. Well as hard as you could go on this show without getting yelled at.

  7. I'm convinced that my body's warranty ran out in September of my my 44th year, because after that, everything just fell apart. Like a toaster that breaks the day after the warranty runs out. Just, some nice toast, some nice toast, some nice toast, congratulations you now know why extra long shoe horns exist.

  8. Audience was fine – they gave him a chance. His personality was just too abrasive. He came onstage like a jolly, overweight everyman, but his angry tone and troll-like facial expressions made him lose favour with the audience.

  9. That was tough to watch. Audience didn't laugh at all. It must've been torture for him. This guy had a bad set. His material was very weak. he could've brought better stuff. This is network tv.. he wasn't funny at all…2/10..

  10. That’s my friend Shane!! I didn’t even know he was going to be on Colbert! I just went to see what new videos there were. Badass!

  11. He wasn’t bad but a lot of his jokes are kinda past their time. 10-15 years ago they’d have gone over better. Maybe 20-25…

  12. County Clerk official: "strangest thing today….I had a couple a guys named Todd come in asking about changing their names"🤔

  13. This dude is fantastic ! Thought Stephen was going to wave him over to the desk at the end. A Legit craftsman. Great work man !!
    Love to the Late night Family !

  14. Man, I really, really liked this cat!! My day has been funky AF and he had me laughing like I've not in a long ass time! Much appreciated and true enjoyment!! Thanks! 🔥🔥🔥❤💚💛

  15. My friend just name his new baby Shane. I told him you have to change his name. It is just one letter different from shame. He explained me that Shane means John in Ireland, or Juan in Spanish. Less than 24 hrs, I found about this Shane Torres Guy! and I'm pretty sure my friend is going to like him, not just because both are Irish and his baby name is Shane, but also because this guy is funny!

  16. "Shoot my gun in your pool!" is a line that I'm surprised the producers didn't tell him to cull given recent events

  17. Never heard of Shane Torres until I saw this, now I am checking where to get "Established 1981". Very funny guy, hope I can find more of his work.

  18. I don’t usually like the comedians, but I liked this man. He was relatable a lot more than the ones who are STILL telling “my wife” jokes and acting like relationships are horrible (probably because that’s all the kind of relationships they’ve had, they’re socially inept and/or emotionally damaged, which seems common among comedians).

  19. Only time i ever watch Stephen Colbert Cheese is watching the stand up, this guy is great and yeah it sucks to get older, I took a nap and woke up with a sprained ankle, like wtf!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *