Stand Up Comedy from Casey James Salengo


>>JIMMY: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY MAN. HIS FIRST SPECIAL PREMIERES THIS FALL ON COMEDY CENTRAL. PLEASE WELCOME CASEY JAMES SALENGO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HOW ARE YOU DOING, LOS ANGELES? THAT’S WHAT I LIKE THE HEAR. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CITY YOU HAVE HERE. CONGRATULATIONS. I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF DUL, DIRTY WHITE TRASH. JUST DISGUSTING, PEOPLE CRAWLING THEIR WAY OUT OF A TREE. WHEN PEOPLE HEAR I’M WHITE TRASH, THEY ASSUME I GREW UP IN A TRAILER. THAT SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL. I LIVED IN AN RV. I WOULD GO TO MY FRIENDS’ HOUSES WITH TRAILERS LIKE, WELL LA-DI-DA. DIDN’T KNOW I WAS FRIENDS WITH THE QUEEN OF FRANCE. WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS? THAT’S A DOOR. OH THEY PUT DOORS INSIDE NOW? YOU GOT A MULTIPLE DOOR HOUSEHOLD? TOO GOOD FOR VINYL ROOM DIVIDERS? IN A TRAILER YOU CAN HEAR YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX, IN AN RV YOU CAN FEEL THEIR HEARTBEATS. I DON’T LIKE IT EITHER, FOLKS. I’M SORRY. I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY NOW. IT’S GREAT. BUILDINGS AND STUFF. IT’S MUCH DIFFERENT. IT’S VERY LIBERAL. I HAD MY FIRST HETEROPHOBIC MOMENT RECENTLY. I WALKED UP TO THIS BUILDING, AND A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MAKING OUT REAL HARD. GETTING AFTER IT. GRINDING FACE. IN MY MIGHT BE I WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL? YOU GOTTA DO THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY? THERE’S KIDS AROUND, GET INSIDE! THEN I GOT CLOSER, AND SAW IT WASN’T A MAN AND WOMAN, IT WAS A MAN AND ANOTHER MAN WITH LONG HAIR, AND IMMEDIATELY WAS LIKE, OH THAT’S GREAT! YEAH! YEAH, BOYS! COME ON, KIDS, COME BACK. HEY, COME HERE. THAT’S WHAT WE CALL PROGRESS. I’M TRYING TO DATE IN THE CITY NOW. IT’S HARD IN NEW YORK CITY, LADIES, VERY SPOOKY. VERY SCARY. I’VE BEEN ON THE APPS. YOU GUYS KNOW BUMBLE? THAT’S THE ONE WHERE THE GIRLS TALK TO YOU FIRST, ALLEGEDLY. I’VE YET TO UNLOCK THAT FEATURE. MUST HAVE TO UPGRADE MY PHONE OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. IT’S FUNNY WHEN YOU GET ON THE APPS. YOU CAN TELL HOW LONG THESE GIRLS HAVE BEEN ON THESE APPS BY HOW MEAN AND SPECIFIC THEIR BIO IS. A GIRL WHO JUST GOT ON THERE LIKE I’M FROM CALIFORNIA. I LIKE HORSES. A GIRL WHO’S BEEN ON THERE A WHILE WILL BE LIKE, NO WEIRDOS, NO CREEPS, NO MAMAS BOYS! NO ZOOKEEPERS, NO MENNONITES! NO LIBRAS, NO KEVIN’S! WE’LL GO FOR ONE DRINK, YOU DON’T LOOK AT ME, AND MY FRIEND CHERYL IS COMING! SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE STILL AROUND! I’M A BIT OF A PARTIER. I LIKE SMOKING A DOOB HERE AND THERE TOO. YOU’RE HIGH, I CAN SEE IT. I REALIZED RECENTLY I LIKE SMOKING ALONE MORE. WHEN I SMOKE WITH FRIENDS EVERYONE IS LIKE YEAH, COOL, ALRIGHT. I’M MORE LIKE, HELLO? IS THERE SOMEBODY THERE? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU’RE THERE. THAT’S ENTRAPMENT. I GET PARENT PARANOID. IT MAKES ME SO PARANOID I CAN’T BE AROUND PEOPLE WEARING WINDBREAKERS BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY’RE WHISPERING SECRETS. THEY’RE LIKE, SHHH! [ WHISPERING ] SAY IT TO MY FACE! IT’S BEEN A PLEASURE. I’M CASEY JAMES SALENGO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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