-My gosh, I am seriously so
excited to be here right now. Because everybody I went to high
school with is getting married and having kids, on Facebook. Probably in real life too.
But who cares, and — And I’m not saying I don’t want
to get married. I do. I just know I’m not ready yet.
Sometimes I think I’m ready. I see the posts,
I feel the emptiness. Like, I want to be married.
[ Laughter ] But then I eat bread and I feel
so much better. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh! Just needed some carbs,
almost ruined my life. Like, that was a close one. You think you need
to get married, just slam a sleeve
of Ritz crackers first. Make sure that’s not
what you need. If that doesn’t work, lie under
some warm laundry for an hour. It feels like being loved
unconditionally. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I want to have kids, too,
but I’m afraid. Because as far as I can tell,
you do not get to pick. [ Laughter ] You just go to the hospital
in pain. Few hours later, they’re like,
“This is what came out of you.” [ Laughter ]
You’re like, “Really?” They’re like,
“Yeah, no tradesies.” [ Laughter ] And they’re not cute
right away. Have you seen a newborn
recently? It’s disgusting. It’s all —
it’s all purple and wrinkly. Like, “Congratulations,
It’s a raisin. Look at that.” [ Laughter ] And then we all have to lie
to new parents. Like,
“Oh, he’s really handsome.” [ Laughter ]
“Oh, she’s beautiful.” I’m bad at it. I’m like,
“Oh, that has potential!” [ Laughter and applause ]
“What’s –” “What’s that going to be, a girl
when the scales fall off? Who — who gave you a glue gun?
What did you make?” [ Laughter ] “That needs like 40 more
minutes up in there. “At least.
What’s her name, Salmonella? Uhh! That is —
That yolk is running!” [ Laughter ]
Not ready, not ready. But I’m in my 20s. I shouldn’t be making
any permanent decisions, okay? Being in your 20s
is like having a virus. You can’t do anything,
you just have to wait until you’re better. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And the whole time you’re
waiting, everybody’s like, “These are the best years
of your life. These are the best years
of your whole life.” And I’m like, “I just used
a fast food napkin as toilet paper.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] This gets worse? Everything feels like that
in your 20s. Temporary, pointless. Dating in your 20s is like
watching “Titanic” where you’re just like,
“This isn’t gonna work out. “But let’s just enjoy this first
part where we’re hooking up in cars and pretending
he’s not poor.” [ Laughter and applause ] Put a jacket on anybody. I hung out with some girls
my own age last week, one of whom told me she’s
writing a memoir at 23. Yeah. “I’m like, maybe start
with a pamphlet.” I don’t know.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, if you’re writing a memoir
in your 20s, you had better have been
murdered. Like — [ Laughter ] Unless you are murdered
or you’re that chick who got her arm bitten off
by the shark and kept surfing, no memoir. You have to earn
your autobiography. [ Laughter and applause ] I will never hang out
with these girls again. At one point they started taking
photos for the Internet. Because I don’t know
if you know this, but if you don’t take enough
photos for the Internet, you actually start to
disappear like Marty McFly in “Back to the Future.”
[ Laughter ] Thank you for laughing, they did
not get that reference. [ Laughter ] So this girl is taking
like 400, 500 photos just trying
so hard to matter. And she turns to all of us
at the table and goes, “Okay, now let’s do one
where we’re laughing.” [ Laughter ] And then all the girls
around me went… [ Laughter and applause ] Feel how horrible that was?
[ Laughter ] They didn’t make any noise,
they just went through the motions like an atheist
with their family on Christmas. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That’s a candid photo
to my generation. Just a lie with a filter on it. Have you seen those
girls online? Just like, “Oh, my God,
it’s so weird “that you caught me
in this poppy field in my ball gown, #blessed.”
[ Giggles ] [ Laughter and applause ] No, that’s not real.
And it’s not candid. Candid means bad. You guys remember the ’90s
when you took a candid photo on a disposable camera, and then you just didn’t see it
for 30 days? [ Laughter ] You went to bed every night,
like, “Hope that pans out.” [ Laughter ] And a month later
you picked it up in that crappy paper taco sleeve
full of duplicates because you need one for every
room of the trailer. And you went through and you
finally saw it and it sucked. Three of your fingers
are in the corner. Nobody’s looking at the camera.
[ Laughter ] It’s just your aunt and uncle
getting divorced in the background.
[ Laughter ] And you just wrote “pizza party”
in a scrapbook like it deserved
to be a memory? That was a candid photo.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] You guys are great.
Thank you so much. ♪♪
[ Cheering ] -Come on, pal,
that’s awesome! ♪♪ Taylor Tomlinson.
[ Cheers and applause ] Follow her on Twitter