The Dead Man on William Randolph Hearst’s Yacht – Drunk History


– Hey, now,
my name is Lucius Dillon. Today we’re gonna talk about
the mysterious death of Thomas Ince. Was he murdered? Or dead-ed.
Dead. – What?– All right, so the year is
November of 1924.
Thomas Ince was a big-deal
Hollywood producer.
And big, old, huge
newspaper tycoon
William Randolph Hearst wantedto get into the movie
industry.
Hearst is like, hey,
it’s your 44th birthday.
Why don’t you come to my yachtand we’ll take a three-day
cruise.
We’ll get some celebrities.We’ll sign some contracts to
make us business partners.
It’s gonna be a great, great,
great, great humdinger
of a good time,so he was like, great.So they set out on the yacht.So it’s Hearst and it’s Inceand it’s actress
Marion Davies.
She was Hearst’s very
unsecretive mistress. – Ohh.– And it’s Charlie Chaplin,and it’s also gossip columnist
Louella Parsons.
And other people not famous
enough to mention in this story.So they all go out
for three days,
but when the boat returns,Thomas Ince was dead.[gulps]Party over.The newspaper read “Big Hot
Shot Hollywood Producer
Shot Dead On Hearst’s Boat!”But then,the evening edition said,Ha Ha Ha! Whoops!
Just Kidding!
He Actually Died Of Heart
Failure In Hearst’s Home.
[raspberries]So, yeah. Weird.But things get more confusing,because at Thomas’ funeral,Ince’s wife, Elinor,
was like,
it’s so terrible that
my husband has died.
Okay, thanks.
Come again.
And then she cremated him
immediately
and [bleep] off to Europe.So that was kind of odd.We know he’s dead.That’s the one fact
that we know. But since there was so many
different stories, I mean, it’s pretty much like
the movie “Clue.”But we’re gonna figure it out.We’re gonna figure it out.So one of the theories
is that Thomas Ince
had a problem with ulcers,because he was
a big Hollywood producer
and had a lot of stress
and shit on his mind.
Of course, when he gets
on the yacht,
champagne’s flowing.They were having hootenannies
and bee-baw-billies
and blah-blah-blahs,and then Ince is like, oh.Salted almonds, yes.
I probably shouldn’t.
Okay, I’ll have 1
or 40.
And then of course when it
comes to toasting time,
it was like, okay,
it’s my [bleep] birthday.
Toast to me.Love–mm…But because of that,it ruptured his ulcer,and the next morning, he wakes
up with a heart attack–
not that cool–
and then died.
– That’s theory one.– That’s theory one.So theory two is:they’re having a great, old
time for three days.
Except for Chaplin,
who was in his room,
alone, suicidal.Because, like…
[sighs]
I’m Chaplin.I’m a big, old genius.And I hate myself.Oh, look it here.There’s a diamond-crusted
pistol.
Ince comes in, is like,
hey, Chappy!
What’s going on?Look at you.
Are you being funny?
No, I’m being depressed.Look–I mean, clearly I
have a pistol–oh, shit.
I just shot you.Oh, God.Oh…God.Oh.Oh, okay. God.[belches]Oh.But here’s the prevailing
theory:
Hearst had a whole yacht
party.
♪ Dan-ding, bah-bah ♪♪ Blee-blabbity, bloop-bloop ♪♪ Bing-ding, bah-bah ♪[raspberries]♪ Bing-bong, boo-bah,
ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Dee-dee, dee-dil-ee-dee-dee,
boo, eh, mm-mm ♪
[pops][blubbers]So that–so there’s a lot of
music happening. – Why did you stop?
– [laughs] – [chuckles]– And cut to Ince and Hearst
going down the hall.
And Hearst is like,oh, I love Chaplin because
he does nice things
to my bankroll.
I love Davies because
she does nice things
to my downstairs.
And then–oh!They see Chaplin and Davies
having some…
– Sex.
– Yes.
So then back to Hearst had
a diamond-crusted pistoland was like, how dare you,
Charlie Ma-Chaplin.
Not Ma-Chaplin, but–
how dare you, Chaplin!
I’m going to shoot you both.So Ince did a slow motion
no…He makes money for Hollywood.[raspberries]And someone got shot,
and it was Ince.
And he died.But maybe not.– [laughs]– So after the incident,everyone was like,
so, Louella,
you were on the yacht.What’s the scoop?
Was it Hearst?
Was it Chaplin?
Was it Davies?
What happened?I saw nothing.
I was not on the yacht.
I was 3,000 miles away.You didn’t even know about it.[raspberries]She was there.
She didn’t say anything.
– What do you believe happened?– I think that Hearst
shot him
on the yachtwith the revolva–revolver.And he was buying up
everyone to shut them
the [bleep] up.I mean, he bought this gossip
columnist.
He bought Ince’s wife.And he got away with it.Because Hearst owns
everything.
He owns all of the newspapers.He is the Citizen Kane,the rosebud.And after all that,Hearst said like,
hey, everybody,
Thomas Ince didn’t die
of natural causes–
wait, no, yeah–he did die–
[laughs]Thomas Ince did not die
of murder.
He died of natural causes.Nice try.
[laughs]
I’m Hearst.And I’m gonna go home
and sleep with my wife.
Good night.– [laughs] – Mm.
– Do you have any other
theories? No?

32 Replies to “The Dead Man on William Randolph Hearst’s Yacht – Drunk History”

  1. The only thing better than that dance is knowing that someone had to choreograph it, then everyone had to spend several hours rehearsing it.

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