-This is so exciting. We are here on Sunday night. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s crazy. Right now, everyone who passed
out during the game is waking up to this like, “Oh, my God,
I slept through Monday? I am so fired.” But it was an interesting day
around the office, too. At 1:00 p.m., people on
the crew, they came up to me and they were like,
“Hey, Jimmy, I had to sell my New York Jets tickets
because of today’s show. I had to sell them.” By 4:00 p.m., they were like,
“Hey, thanks for doing the show, so I didn’t have to
watch the freaking Jets. Here’s a little something
for you. Thank you very much.” [ Cheers and applause ] “I didn’t have to watch it.” We’re at the start
of a new season. I guess one of the big trends
this year is healthier foods
at the stadium. Yep, the Dallas Cowboys are now selling quinoa salad
and mushroom burgers. [ Laughter ] If you’re interested, look for the concession stand
with no one in line. [ Laughter ] Not only that,
I read that more stadiums are offering
a selection of fine wines. [ Audience oohs ] Here’s how it works. First, you pick out
a nice vintage. Then you taste it,
then you strap two bottles to a helmet
with a giant plastic tube. [ Laughter ] Bottle of red, bottle of white. Rosé, baby! Rosé. [ Cheers and applause ] Of course, we’re coming to you
after tonight’s big Sunday night game between the Patriots
and the Steelers. Before the game, Rob Gronkowski
busted out of the tunnel, chest bumped his teammates,
trash-talked the Steelers, and then remembered
he retired six months ago. Like, “Alright, my bad.
Sorry about that, forgot.” The big NFL story is about superstar wide receiver
Antonio Brown. Have you been
keeping up with this? So here’s the story, I think. Antonio got
frostbite on his feet after he went into one of
those cryotherapy chambers wearing the wrong shoes
or something. He froze —
Frostbite on his feet. So he had to —
He got in trouble for that. Then he didn’t want to play because his helmet wasn’t
NFL-approved. He wanted to play with
an old helmet that he liked. Yeah, and then he cursed out the
GM and threatened to fight him, then went on social media and asked to be
released from the team. [ Laughter ] Even “Bachelor” fans were like,
“This is way too much drama. I can’t. This is just one man.” Guys, I love the NFL so much.
I’m so pumped. And not just for the games,
but also ’cause it means we get to do
my favorite segment. Are you ready for this, Tariq?
-Absolutely. -It is time for “Tariq lightly
roasts the NFL mascots.” Here we go. ♪ -Tariq lightly roasts
NFL mascots ♪ -Alright. First up, we got Who Dey
for the Bengals. [ Laughter ] Okay. I mean, is it just me, or does his shirt
look a little too small? -[ Laughs ]
Oh, snap, he did it, not me. [ Laughter ] He said it, not me.
His words, not mine. Yeah. -Sorry. Who are you guys? -Who you think?
We Team Tariq, baby! [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah, that’s right.
That’s right. We support everything
this man does. Isn’t that right, Tariq? Keep doing your thing, Tariq. [ Laughter ] -Alright, alright. Up next, you got Roary
for the Lions. I mean, no offense, man,
but you could use a haircut. -[ Laughs ]
No, he didn’t! He went there. -Jimmy, can we even
say that on TV? Hey, yo, call standards and
practices. We all getting fired. -Everybody getting fired. Pull out your wallets.
-Wow. -Billy Buffalo for the Bills,
right? Uh, last time I checked,
buffalos ain’t blue. -[ Laughs ]
What? I mean, what? You kidding me? -I mean, how do you even
recover from that? Trick question. You can’t! -Can’t do it. Can’t do it.
-I’m so sorry. Are you wearing two pairs of
glasses, the guy in the back? [ Laughter ] I just noticed. [ Applause ] -Yeah. Yeah, I need
the second pair to see. [ Laughter ] -Hey, man,
how you gonna make fun of this brother’s ailment, man?
He got problems. -Alright, I apologize.
-Just cool it, man. -Hey, yo, keep going, Tariq! -Alright. Alright. Alright. This is Pat the Patriot
for the Patriots. I mean, to be honest,
his smile is kind of creepy. -What the —
[ Screaming ] [ Laughter ] I mean, is this even legal?
-What? [ Laughter ] -You’re killing them. Genius. -Wrecking stuff, man. Cool. -Steely McBeam for the Steelers. I mean, you have to admit, I mean, it’s kind of —
it’s a weird name. -Oh, my God! [ Laughter ] He done it again!
[ Laughter ] -It’s over! Hey, hey, call me a cab
’cause this is over. -Team Tariq!
Tariq, Tariq, Tariq! -Thank you.
Give it up for Tariq Trotter. Bashir Salahuddin.
[ Cheers and applause ] And Diallo Riddle. That has been “Tariq lightly
roasts NFL mascots.” Thank you for being here, guys. ♪ -Tariq lightly roasts
NFL mascots ♪