Trump’s Hurricane Tweets Not Overburdened With Accuracy


>>Stephen: WELCOME TO “THE LATE
SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO BE BACK. WE JUST RETURNED FROM A
TWO-WEEK BREAK. I DIDN’T WATCH ANY NEWS. HOW’S KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND DOING? REALLY? SHE’S OUT? WELL, THAT’S JUST MORE VOTES FOR
JAY INSLEE. WHAT?! BUT HE HAD GLASSES! HE WAS THE ONE WITH GLASSES,
RIGHT? OKAY. OF COURSE, THE BIG STORY IS
HURRICANE DORIAN. IT’S CURRENTLY A CATEGORY 2, BUT
OVER THE WEEKEND, IT GREW TO A CATEGORY 5 STORM THAT HAS
DEVASTATED THE BAHAMAS. IT’S SLOWLY MOVING OFF. OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH EVERYONE
DOWN THERE TONIGHT. AND LET’S REMEMBER THEM
WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER. NOW, THE STORM IS HOVERING OFF
THE COAST OF THE UNITED STATES. NO ONE IS SURE IF IT’S GOING
TO MAKE LANDFALL OR WHERE. AND BY “NO ONE,” I MEAN DONALD
TRUMP.( LAUGHTER )
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE PELTED THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WITH 122 TWEETS,
INCLUDING DOZENS OF UPDATES ABOUT THE STORM, MIXED IN WITH
COMMENTS ABOUT THE TRADE WAR WITH CHINA, COMPLAINTS ABOUT
JAMES COMEY, AND HIS ANNOYANCE WITH THE ACTRESS DEBRA MESSING.( LAUGHTER )
PLUS HIS TWEETS WEREN’T OVERBURDENED WITH ACCURACY. FOR INSTANCE ON SUNDAY HE
TWEETED, “IN ADDITION TO FLORIDA, SOUTH CAROLINA, NORTH
CAROLINA, GEORGIA, AND ALABAMA, WILL MOST LIKELY BE HIT MUCH
HARDER THAN ANTICIPATED LOOKING LIKE ONE OF THE LARGEST
HURRICANES EVER. ALREADY CATEGORY 5. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!”
WHY THE ALL CAPS? DOES HE THINK THE STORM
DROWNS OUT HIS TWEETS?” “REALLY COMING DOWN OUT THERE,
I’M GONNA PUT THE CAPS LOCK ON. (YELLING)
CAN YOU READ ME NOW?”( LAUGHTER )
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE QUICKLY CORRECTED HIM, TWEETING,
“ALABAMA WILL NOT SEE ANY IMPACTS FROM #DORIAN. WE REPEAT, NO IMPACTS FROM
HURRICANE DORIAN WILL BE FELT ACROSS ALABAMA.”( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS TO
FACT CHECK THE PRESIDENT.( LAUGHTER )
I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE HAS TO
TWEET, “IT IS OUR DUTY TO REPORT THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS INCORRECT
WHEN HE SAID THAT PACKAGES ARE MOMMIES AND LETTERS ARE THEIR
BABIES.”( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP CAN NEVER ADMIT THAT HE WAS WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING, SO
THE NEXT DAY HE FIRED BACK, “I SUGGESTED YESTERDAY AT FEMA
THAT, ALONG WITH FLORIDA, GEORGIA, SOUTH CAROLINA AND
NORTH CAROLINA, EVEN ALABAMA COULD POSSIBLY COME INTO PLAY,
WHICH WAS TRUE. THEY MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT
THIS– DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,OT– WHEN, IN FACT, UNDER
CERTAIN ORIGINAL SCENARIOS, IT WAS, IN FACT, CORRECT THAT
ALABAMA COULD HAVE RECEIVED SOME HURT.”( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “OKAY, I’M NOT WRONG. BECAUSE AT ONE POINT, I WAS
RIGHT. UNDER CERTAIN SCENARIOS, IT
COULD HAVE HIT ALABAMA. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I WRITE
WEATHER FAN FICTION.( LAUGHTER )
IN MY VERSION, HURRICANE DORIAN ENDS UP WITH HERMIONE. OKAY? IT’S A NATURAL, PRETTY HOT.” AND THE TRACK OF THE–
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WE’RE BACK! WE’RE BACK, BABY!>>Jon: YEAH! YEAH! COME ON NOW!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: AND THE TRACK OF THE STORM WASN’T THE ONLY THING HE
GOT WRONG. HERE’S WHAT HE SAID AT A FEMA
BRIEFING ON SUNDAY.>>WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S
COMING AT US. ALL WE KNOW IS IT’S POSSIBLY THE
BIGGEST. I HAVE– NOT SURE– I’M NOT SURE
THAT I’VE EVER EVEN HEARD OF A CATEGORY 5. I KNEW IT EXISTED. AND I’VE SEEN SOME CATEGORY 4s. YOU DON’T EVEN SEE THEM THAT
MUCH. BUT A CATEGORY 5 IS SOMETHING
THAT I DON’T KNOW THAT I’VE EVER EVEN HEARD THE TERM.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I NEVER HEARD OF A CATEGORY 5. UP UNTIL I TOOK OFFICE, FOUR WAS
THE BIGGEST NUMBER.( LAUGHTER )
NOW THEY INVENTED FIVE. AND WAIT– HOLD ON. I HAVE AN IDEA. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? SIX.” HOW HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF A
CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE WHEN THERE HAVE BEEN THREE CATEGORY 5
HURRICANES WHILE YOU’VE BEEN PRESIDENT?( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? FROM LISTENING TO YOU NOT KNOW
WHAT THEY ARE.>>I NEVER EVEN KNEW A CATEGORY
5 EXISTED. IT ACTUALLY TOUCHED DOWN AS A
CATEGORY 5. PEOPLE HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF A 5
HITTING LAND. CATEGORY 5, NEVER HEARD ABOUT
CATEGORY 5s BEFORE, A CATEGORY 5 IS BIG STUFF!>>Stephen: SO YOU HAVE HEARD OF
IT, AND THEN YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF IT. AND THEN YOU HAVE AND THEN YOU
HAVEN’T. YOU HAVE THE MEMORY OF A
GOLDFISH. TO GO ALONG WITH THE SKIN TONE. TO GO ALONG. TO GO ALONG WITH. IT’S TRUE. BUT PRESIDENT TRUMP DIDN’T JUST
HAVE WRONG IDEAS ABOUT THE HURRICANE. HE ALSO HAD SOME WRONG IDEAS
ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT HURRICANES. BECAUSE WE’VE LEARNED THAT
DURING ONE WHITE HOUSE MEETING ABOUT THE ONGOING THREAT OF
HURRICANES, TRUMP SAID, “I GOT IT. I GOT IT. WHY DON’T WE NUKE THEM?”
( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: NO!>>Stephen: SO, THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD WANTS TO NUKE THE WIND. MUCH LIKE THE HURRICANE, HE BLEW
ON: “THEY START FORMING OFF THE COAST OF AFRICA, AS THEY’RE
MOVING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC, WE DROP A BOMB INSIDE THE EYE
OF THE HURRICANE, AND IT DISRUPTS IT. WHY CAN’T WE DO THAT?”
OH, OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! BECAUSE IF YOU NUKE A HURRICANE,
YOU GET A RADIOACTIVE HURRICANE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
IT’S LIKE–
( CHEERS )
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. IT’S LIKE PUTTING CHERNOBYL ON
JET SKIS.( LAUGHTER )
THE SOLUTION TO ONE BAD THING IS NOT ANOTHER BAD THING. ( AS TRUMP )
“WHAT? THERE’S AN EARTHQUAKE IN
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA? GOT IT. GOT IT. LET’S SPRAY LOS ANGELES WITH
EBOLA.” TEACH THAT– TEACH THAT
EARTHQUAKE A LESSON.” WHEN THE PRESIDENT SUGGESTED THE
LITERAL NUCLEAR OPTION IN THE MEETING, THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM
WERE STUNNED. ACCORDING TO ONE PERSON PRESENT,
“YOU COULD HEAR A GNAT FART IN THAT MEETING.( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE WERE ASTONISHED. AFTER THE MEETING ENDED, WE
THOUGHT, ‘WHAT THE (BLEEP)? WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?'”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: HOW ABOUT THAT?>>Stephen: GET A BETTER
PRESIDENT? BECAUSE THAT FARTING GNAT WOULD
BE A BETTER PRESIDENT. STILL, ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL
DEFENDED THE PRESIDENT, SAYING, “HIS GOAL, TO KEEP A
CATASTROPHIC HURRICANE FROM HITTING THE MAINLAND, IS NOT
BAD. HIS OBJECTIVE IS NOT BAD.” OH, SO IF THE OBJECTIVE IS NOT
BAD, IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW YOU ACHIEVE IT. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “YOU KNOW,
SINCE GRANDMA DIED, GRANDPA HAS BEEN ALONE TOO MUCH. SO I SOLD HIM TO THE YAKUZA.”( LAUGHTER ).>>Jon: OH, NO. THAT’S A DARK TURN THERE.>>Stephen: HE’LL BE VERY
HAPPY THERE. WILL NOT BE ALONE. BECAUSE HE SOLD HIM TO THE
YAKUZA. AND IT’S NOT REASSURING WHEN YOU
TELL US THAT THIS IS THE WAY THE PRESIDENT SOLVES PROBLEMS. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU WANT TO MAKE AN OMELET, YOU
GOTTA NUKE A FEW IHOPS.”

29 Replies to “Trump’s Hurricane Tweets Not Overburdened With Accuracy”

  1. Okay, there is like a small chance nuking a hurricane might help. The force of the explosion creates shock-waves that will break the storm apart. It will spread radioactive water everywhere and the following heat and vacuum may well interact with the weather front to make another storm, but it would probably take out Dorian, depends on the nuke used, scale and all sorts of math from chaos theory.
    For a proper look at how negative blowing up a nuke in water is, look at Operation Crossroads. The detonated two nukes, one in the air above a fleet of empty ships, one in the water below. The one in the air (Able) wasn't so bad (sank five smaller ships, damaged a bunch), the one in the water (Baker) created shock-waves in the water that were much more damaging than the ones in the air, crushing the hulls of the warships that had survived WW2 (nine, including a battleship and carrier which had been damaged by Able). Many ships survived both nukes, but were pelted by water from the second explosion, water that was radioactive and shortened the lifespan of anyone that went near them (which they found out after they had people go and walk around on them, the average life expectancy dropped by three months, including the people that never went on them, the people that did with radiation badges averaged less). The original plan was to clean them and then scrap them, which in navy terms means dismantle and sell the parts or metal. Instead very few could be salvaged, and ships that were never directly exposed became contaminated from simply being in the same waters.
    Nuking a storm like that may very well make the large parts of the eastern seaboard uninhabitable, it would be a disaster on the same scale as disaster movies. Baker was devastating and it would probably be many times smaller than most modern nukes. It would also be incredibly difficult to guarantee accuracy, military explosives are famously not as accurate as the military or government likes to pretend, that is under normal circumstances. Able was 700 yards off course, modern smart bombs and missiles still miss targets. A storm with winds is likely to mess with all of that rather substantially and it would make dropping a bomb flat out impractical for the bomber.

  2. STARTING TODAY DEMOCRATIC SAID ..MEXICIAN CAN HAVE BABY..BLACK CANT EAT BBQ..CHINESE MUST EAT VEGGIE..NON WHITE OR THE OTHER WHITE CAN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE….ONLY GAY TV HOST CAN EAT STEAK DRIVE ANYWHERE . OWN ALL YOUR STUFF……NO MORE CHILDERN FOR NOBODY BUT THERE FAMILY…

  3. well instead of nuclear weapons in to hurricane he lunch lasers and let it sit there for 36 hours . like ,….. let's make sure it doesn't get to his Marra Lago golf course . not funny ! capital murder !

  4. God released a statement mocking the president's plea for him to bless everyone affected by the hurricane, instead suggesting that the president "Maybe tell [his] people to take a hint."

  5. There's another hurricane trump is certainly worried about. When he is being called a nobody and Trump's worried, you know you are doing the right thing. Andrew Yang all the way for 2020!!!

  6. Ummm, let's see, just Google it Mr. POTUS. Looks like 13 Atlantic category-5's in the past 20 years, including Dorian and something called Katrina.

  7. To be fair, nukeing hurricanes has been considered many times before, and research has even been done to determine the feasibility of it. Now, turns out it would, in fact, be a terrible thing to do.

  8. From Dave Chappell"…Russia did not make America racist.." along this thought, Russia did not make our governments liars and and our leaders boneless sycophants!!!

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