Whitney Cummings – I Love You – Marriage & Sex

Love makes you think about
doing things you never thought you’d do before, you know?
Like, getting married. I thought
I was gonna get married. For me, I never thought
I was gonna get married ’cause I have all this divorce
in my family, you know? I also think when you get
older as a woman, marriage just becomes
a little more appealing, ’cause marriage
is set up for girls as an offer that you
just cannot refuse. If someone came up to me
on the street randomly, and marriage as an
institution, did not exist, and someone was just like,
“Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested
in a beautiful diamond ring? And a bunch of parties
where your friends will buy you whatever the
( bleep ) you want? And then you get to move
into somebody else’s house and get on their health
insurance plan. And then
if they cheat on you, you get half their shit,
no questions asked… would you be
interested in that?” Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get
all that shit? Well, you just have to
have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know what? ( Bleep ) it.
I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit.
Where do I sign up? ( GIGGLES ) It’s not that we love you. We just want
shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like, we don’t always
have sex with you guys because we like
want that ( bleep ). No! No! Okay? Half the time
I have sex with a guy, it’s because
it burns calories. ( APPLAUSE ) I’m like oh, God.
I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go
to the gym, so… I should probably
just ( bleep ) this guy. ( SIGHS ) But I really go for it,
you know. I wear a terrycloth headband
and ankle weights. I get in there…

100 Replies to “Whitney Cummings – I Love You – Marriage & Sex”

  1. I dont have time for the gym sooooo…. lol wtf you talkin about? This shits great..n shes the hottest female comic ever!!

  2. A talented comedian. Really good material… needs to work on delivery. She should be watching all her tapes like a football player prepping for the Super Bowl. For what its worth — Most of what she needs to do to get better is 1/ Do less, slow down 2/ Stop trying to act black.. sometimes it looks like shes having an identity crisis 3/ Dont be afraid to smile for more than 1/4 second 4/ Take a breath… Allow the audience to finish their laughing at Joke #1 before you go for their throat in Joke #2.

  3. Hey! It would not be picnic to shack up with you either, I'd go "what did I do? did I cap the toothpaste?" every time you zoom in the resting Jack Nicholson face.

  4. she is never going to get married or have kids not because she dont want to but she is about to be to old she wint have anymore eggs left in her hen house the snake of time will see to that

  5. I'm just not into this whole new wave feminist stand-up comedy thing! I get it: women have sex as an obligation, not for the fun of it! But you have a well-paying job and are presumably financially independent. So, nobody's forcing you to "want that dick"!

  6. Marriage has no benefit for a man whatsoever. Women initiate divorce 80%of the time so why bother??women bring nothing to the table except headaches and their worn out stretched out pussyholes and their 4 kids from their last failed relationship. Only stupid ass men get married. I've nutted in and slutted out wayyyy too many wives and girlfriends to ever take marriage seriously.

  7. Hey looked like her flashing those tits worked out for her just like Thorne. Never heard of her before the incident now she's everywhere. Stay classy!

  8. It's odd that marriage is presented as a gift to women when it's actually documented that women's happiness declines more sharply then men's in marriage. Men also have more health and mental problems when single.

  9. So she's basically saying that women are materialistic and need a man for their finances. Plus she said that women have sex with men to get shit and stuff that they want….I suppose there's not a lot of difference between them and prostitutes

  10. And that is a perfect example on why you NEVER marry a woman, marriage nowdays is a scam and a rip-off for men, you lose everthing the moment she kicks you out. STAY single and avoid marriage or living together, you can date and have a blast out of it but the moment the date is over each to their own places guys, trust me you'll thank me later.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *