Before we get into the rest of the video, I do want to go ahead and thank you guys. Um, I should have done this in the last one, but I had already kind of finished it by the time I hit the milestone, But I just hit 500,000 subscribers! That’s incredible, I’ve never had 500,000 of anything. When I first invented YouTube, back in 2005, I never imagined that I’d have over half a million people on this website. It’s truly insane, especially considering the fact that I waited almost 11 years before posting anything on it. But I figured to celebrate this milestone, I’d like to do something self-deprecating. Because even though I’m like this “big shot,” you know, famous Youtuber now or whatever I’m still.. An idiot. Almost everything I say, at all times, is stupid. Uh, ask my wife. I say stupid shit to her all the time. The great thing about YouTube is I can just edit out all of the stupid shit and leave the good stuff in. And kind of.. uhh Indirectly lie to the world about how smart and funny I am. So what I’d like to do today is take a look back, Specifically at some of my old iPhone notes. Because ever since I was a child, I knew one day I wanted to be a comedian, Or an actor, or some sort of entertainer. You know, like every kid wants to be? The problem was… I wasn’t funny. But that didn’t stop me from trying to be. So I’d like to take a look back at all of the- The sketch ideas, The pseudo inspirational thoughts, The sentence fragments, That I, for some reason made an effort to save over the years, All in an attempt to answer the question: “Why did I write that down?” Normally for my videos I’m usually reacting to something on my computer Um, so I kind of, you know, I’m looking at this and I look at the camera, go back and forth, But I’m not doing that for this one, So I figure, Why not mix it up, you know? Um… Actually… gimme a second… (mumbles unintelligibly) Hello. My doctor says it’s a bad idea to get out of my chair. Alright, lets look at some iPhone notes. But first, have I ever shown you guys my pop socket? Um, it’s a blurry picture of a dog… That I bought… Uh, very late at night While intoxicated! That’s actually going to be a common theme for today’s video. I’m pretty sure 80% of these notes I wrote… Uh… I was high. Um, I used to get really really high and think that every thought I had was brilliant, But then, by the time I would start writing it down, I’d be like halfway through, and I’d forget what it was and I’d never finish it. Uh, so you end up with notes like this: “I guess if there’s one” Oh, that wasn’t the only one from that night Because 20 minutes before that I put: “If you want ” “While writing a sequence of texts” I’m very curious to know what these were supposed to be, but I’ll never know. I- I can’t possibly remember what I was trying to say at the time. Man, I gotta be honest with you guys, “People really don’t be giving a fuck” “Butterfly for dinner again?? I hate my wife” “I plead Beethoven’s Fifth!” “Pressing a Benjamin button” “Candy that comes with instructions” I feel like with this one, I was having like a midlife crisis at the age of 20. “Maybe being good at video games isn’t a necessary skill in your life.” *chuckle* “Curious Jorge” A show called “what about country music?” Where country music enthusiasts interview people And ask them what kind of music they like, And they’ll start listing them, until the host interrupts and says: “But what about country music?” That’s objectively terrible. Ah. This was probably a little trick I was leaving for myself, uh, For my girlfriend at the time, “Surprise her with food.” That’s not a bad idea. I think I was still learning how to like, be in a relationship, Even though that was like my 5th one… Honestly though, surprising your girlfriend with food is a pretty good idea. She’ll almost always appreciate that. Surprise! Babe, look, I got you pizza! Surprise! Amanda:
It’s like 3am! Drew: But…but… Get outta here! Drew: I thought…I thought you liked pizza… Amanda: I’m trying to sleep. Drew: Okay… I like the notes where it’s clear I went back later and, like, commented on the note So this one is: “Oh hey I cleaned that weird stain on your computer” And then it cuts to a perfectly clean computer And the stain was just, like, a sticker So the joke is that, like, I saw that there was a sticker on someones computer, and I was like, “Oh, lemme clean that weird stain” And I just like rubbed the sticker off…? And then I came back later and said: “This is comedy gold.” So, no one steal this idea, cause I declared that this is comedy gold. Uh-oh. Another midlife crisis here: “If everything you do is ironic then… …what’s real?” “Weed is supposed to relax you but it turns me into” That’s like a joke in itself, the fact that I didn’t finish it, The fact that it cuts off right there… That’s pretty funny. Honestly, there’s still some truth in this Um, “On a good day I feel like my personality is a mix of John Mulaney and Scott Aukerman. But most days its just Brenda Song and diarrhea.” I used to think that the only way I would ever be successful, like creatively, would be if I wrote a book, Which is, like, so unrealistic. First of all, I-I’ve actually tried to write a book before but, like – it’s easy to start a book, I feel like almost every comedian or whatever, Whatever creative person has tried to write a book, And it lasts anywhere from 30 minutes to, like, 40 minutes And then you just kinda give up cause you realize, “Oh, it’s gonna take me a fuckin’ year of hard work and there’s no like, payout” With YouTube at least it’s like I can work pretty hard for a week or whatever, And then I have a thing- I have a thing I can show people. But with a book it’s like, forget about it, I’m going to write this for two years before I get any feedback on it? But I remember for a long time, I was gonna write this, like, fake advice book for college kids or whatever It was gonna be a mix of, like, Um, relationship advice, Uh, health tips, uh Eh, school advice, stuff like that, But the joke was gonna be everything was terrible advice. “Starting a new workout regimen? Go ahead and get all those rest days out of the way now. You’re gonna need that energy later.” “General weight loss tip – Try quitting your job. A great way to lose weight is to not be able to afford food.” It’s kinda all downhill from there… “Hunger is caused by extra room in your stomach, Which isn’t there if nothing comes out. No pooping means no eating, which means lookin’ good” These are terrible! “‘Hey, if I’m not poopin’, I’m loopin’!’ – a DJ with chronic diarrhea” “Evil baby genius who finds a way to control the actions of every adult. Uh, but the only thing he gets them to do for him is get candy that’s on a shelf too high for him to reach. Um, and eventually he dies of diabetes.” Don’t say it – there’s definitely some potential there. “Getting second place in a small penis contest”. “Pedophile Phil”! “You see the way my brain works, Is that it doesn’t” Here’s another example of commenting on my own joke Picture I’m at like a wedding or something – “Guys, let’s make some toast.” It’s very funny – just ask me when I wrote it I kind of feel bad for 20 year old Drew, um, ’cause I definitely like I wasn’t that happy with myself yet And it shows in a lot of these “I don’t feel like an adult. Not for lack of responsibility or because of my petite wrists, But because the absence of any significant amount of self-worth. I enter conversations with other adults, but the playing field isn’t even. I know my place in the relationship. They aren’t my peers, They’re my superiors, and whether that’s the reality of it or just the thought I forced into to my head, That’s the feeling I have.” I feel a little bummed out reading that. This one just says: “unconventional wisdom teeth” I guess this is something that would have gone in my fake advice book “The key to success in life is relationships.” “Always introduce yourself to everybody even if you already know them.” “It seems silly to use ‘sleeping lessons’ as my alarm. I bet if someone were to really give you sleeping lessons the first thing they teach you is not to set an alarm. That would be like, rule number one.” It’s kind of funny, like poi- it’s the- point out the irony there It’s not ba- that’s not bad Oh, this one really grinds my gears: “Texting during a conversation” I bet I had a lot of observations about that I didn’t write any in this note, but- Alright guys. Are you ready for the cringiest, Most convoluted attempt at like, clever wordplay you’ll ever hear in your entire life? So try to follow along here. There’s a rapper named MC. Anarchy, but he goes by MC A. Don’t guess where this is going. I feel like you might have a feeling but don’t. So he asked his friend, “Hey, man. I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. Do you know anywhere where I could, maybe, play some basketball? Or do some indoor swimming? Just kind of sad.” And the friend says, “Why, MC A?” And MC A says, ‘No, they don’t let me in there anymore’ [melancholy jazz music] *sigh* Oh, hey Grandpa. Oh, hey kid, what’s wrong? Oh, nothing. I’m- I’m fine. Nice try Drew, but grandpas can always tell when something’s wrong. Sit down, come talk to me All right. Well. It’s just… I-I’m making this video, right? Where I-I go back and look at all my old jokes And…they’re just so bad Grandpa: Ahh
Drew: It’s just making me wonder like, am I an idiot? Am I not funny at all? My whole life all I’ve wanted was to be a comedian and and now I… I’m worried I might have been chasing a pipe dream this whole time. Mind if I let you in on a little secret? No, not at all. Please do. Drew I…don’t give a shit about anything you just said. You are the whiniest little bitch, I swear to God. “Oh, I’m not very funny. What if nobody like me??” Drew, I fought in every war, what have you done? What have you had to overcome? I have scoliosis. My scoliosis has arthritis, shut up! Oh and another thing: I’ve seen the way you’re looking at your grandmother, alright? And you better back the fuck off kid, ’cause she’s taken! I really liked wordplay more than I remember liking wordplay This is a character called ‘The Sike-ic’ Uh…sike-ic as in like, ‘Sike!’ You know But anyway, this is the Sike-ic doing a premonition for someone “Things are looking up for you, Chad, Maybe a love interest is blossoming?” “Sike! You gonna lose your job.” “The Sike-ic, He’ll tell it like it is, but not at first.” Uh, this might’ve been something I wanted to tell to my girlfriend at the time, But was too nervous “I want to get fucked in your butt.” “A message to poop:” “You are what I eat” “Guy does acid to loosen up so we can talk to girls” I remember writing this down, and I guess Uh, There was probably more to it, Like ’cause this isn’t enough for a book. It says ‘book idea’ “The town by the highway.” Inspired by a town in Florida I had seen by the highway, And this is where it gets really good, because that’s the entire note. It’s- that’s just the whole book is that these people live by a highway. Ooh, let’s get a little political here for a second. Um, gun control was very hot-button issue, So, let’s hear what Drew Gooden from 2013 has to say about it. His idea was to not ban guns, But just make them really hard to use. They only work with shitty outdated voice recognition software So they’ll ask you several times to repeat what you said; it’ll sometimes mistakenly play your workout mix, But you can’t get it to stop because it can’t hear you over your workout mix. I may be an idiot, but that’s not a bad idea. I’m not looking forward to the day I have to explain Easter to my kids, Uh, cause I’m still not totally clear on that “Hey dad, How come a bunny comes and gives us eggs?” “Well, because Jesus came back to life.” [sad piano music]
“Why is it that the older, I get the harder it is to make friends? I know it’s not my fault, it can’t be. I can proudly say I’ve become considerably less shitty as the years have passed. Certainly I have more qualities to offer than I did in elementary school, When I presumably had a lot of friends. I have a much more refined sense of humor, I brush my teeth every single day– Not an exaggeration. –Now I walk into a classroom full of people I don’t know and I already have prejudices about them.” “She won’t stop looking at her phone. He looks like that annoying guy I used to play baseball with.” “Is she crying?” “I don’t want to talk to any of these people. I’ll just sit in silence and inwardly scoff at them.” “Attribute this to some kind of moral inefficiency, but more likely it’s what I use as a defense mechanism.” “What if they don’t like me?” Damn. “Who the FUCK stole my deodorant.” I would say like half of my thoughts that I think are funny aren’t funny, But I don’t realize they’re not funny until later. But I thought they were when my brain created them. That’s what’s weird. With comedy I feel like I have two sides of my brain. Um, kind of butting heads at all times. Like on one hand, I want everything I’d say to be funny. Like, I want to just pull something out of my ass and be like: “Eh? Eh?” “It’s funny, right?” “I found it in my brain.” But as I’m finding it, the other side of my brain is like, “Well, hold on Drew, Let’s be reasonable here. That’s not even remotely funny when you stop to think about it”, and the other side is like, “I haven’t yet!” I’m gonna go and start wrapping this video up with this note here: “If I’m never gonna actually make the things in my notes. I need to find a way to make something out of them.” “If I’m not gonna make the idea of a thing, Become the thing it’s supposed to be, then I’ll try and turn the idea itself into a different thing.” Uh, it took me four years, but that’s what I did. I turned my notes that weren’t content into content… Sort of… I guess, if this counts. Because after all, it’s not about the thoughts you have, it’s about what you do with them Great video Drew! [smack sound effect] I tell you what I’m just relieved I’m done with this video because I can finally take my shirt off Oh wait what’s this? Is that ‘a merch’? Was I wearing ‘a merch’ this whole time? What? Is this the official Little Stinker shirt now available at drewgoodenshop.com? Is this a shirt that says pants? Is this from that vine that’s ruined my life? You bet it is! I’m actually relaunching my entire merch shop It’s sort of the same, but it’s different, has more stuff. Has more practical stuff like, you know, shirts. I’m gonna be constantly adding stuff to it so keep your eyes out But guys this is very exciting, I’m finally selling actual merch I’m becoming an actual YouTuber. Is that good? Or Is that- is that good? That’s right guys, drewgoodenshop.com for all the goods, uh, If you want to support me and wear a shirt That says the thi- that says the thing that’s for me, That’s the wa- that’s the place to do it. Also, even if you guys don’t actually want to buy any of the merch, You should still at least look at the website because I spent a lot of time on it these past couple weeks Uh, and I think it looks pretty good And I like some of the stuff that I made and… go look at it. As always, I want to close out the video by Wishing each and every one of you a very happy birthday I hope you have the most special birthday in your life, because that’s uh- it’s your birthday today Um… Congratulations, and like and subscribe and I’ll see you guys next time!