Why You Should Invest in Weed – Wanda Sykes


WANDA SYKES>>NOBODY LIKES TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN. NOBODY. THEN WE FIND ALL THESE ENRON GUYS, ALL THESE CEO’S ROBBING EVERYBODY BLIND, MAN. YOU KNOW, I TELL YOU, THAT STOCK MARKET, BOY. THAT’S WHY I GOT OUT. I GOT OUT THE MARKET. I CALLED MY BROKER. I WAS LIKE, “HEY, PUT ALL MY MONEY IN WEED.” (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) PRICE OF WEED NEVER GOES DOWN. THAT’S A REAL BLUE CHIP RIGHT THERE. (LAUGHTER) THESE CEO’S MAN, THEY JUST ROBBIN’ PEOPLE, BOY. I HOPE THEY GET A LOT OF JAIL TIME, TOO. BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY GET IN COURT, EITHER THEY PLEAD THE FIFTH OR THEY GO, “I DON’T RECALL.” AND THAT’S ACCEPTABLE. THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT. I MEAN, THAT SHOULDN’T BE ACCEPTABLE. YOU KNOW, YOU ASK ANY WOMAN IN HERE, YOUR MAN COMES HOME, AND YOU BEEN LIKE, “EH, YOU BEEN CHEATIN’ ON ME,” AND HE GOES, “I DON’T RECALL.” (LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, AND THEN CONFERS WITH HIS BUDDY. “ONE MOMENT.” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) “NO COMMENT.” (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) SHOOT. YOU GONNA WHIP HIS ASS ‘TIL HE GETS HIS MEMORY BACK. PUT UP WITH THAT. BUT THESE CEO’S, MAN, THEY RUTHLESS, BOY. YOU KNOW THEY AFFECTED LIKE MILLIONS OF LIVES. THEY HAD PEOPLE OUT THERE, THOUGHT THEY WAS GONNA BE ABLE TO RETIRE IN FOUR YEARS, AND THEN, THEY GOTTA WORK 40 MORE YEARS. YOU KNOW, THEN YOU GOT PEOPLE WHO WERE RETIRED, AND THEY GOTTA GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE. YOU KNOW, WE ALL GONNA FEEL IT. YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE, RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC, SOME 80 YEAR OLD DUDE IN THE CARPOOL LANE, JUST MESSIN’ TRAFFIC UP. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) YOU BASTARDS! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING! BUT THESE CEO’S, MAN, THEY– I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS, YOU A SCARY DUDE, MAN. I TELL YOU NOW, SHOOT, I WALK PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER, I DON’T EVEN BLINK. BUT IF I SEE A WHITE DUDE WITH A WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS. SHOOT. BEFORE I WALK PAST THE ARTHUR ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH THE PROJECTS. (LAUGHTER) CUTTIN’ THROUGH THE PROJECTS, YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOU THAT DAY. I AIN’T NEVER BEEN MUGGED OF MY FUTURE. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) MARTHA STEWART. NOW, SHE’S IN TROUBLE WITH THE STOCK MARKET. INSIDER TRADIN’. YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE’S RICH. RICH PEOPLE, THEY TALK TO OTHER RICH PEOPLE, AND THEY TALK ABOUT RICH STUFF. PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING. WE ALL ARE GUILTY OF IT. BROKE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO. JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL. I HAVE COUSINS WHO WORK AT WAL-MART. THEY ALWAYS CALLIN’ ME. “GIRL, DON’T BUY THERE TODAY.” (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) “UH-UH. NO. IT’S GOIN’ ON SALE TOMORROW.” (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) “UH-HUH. YEAH. TWO FOR ONE. TWO FOR ONE. IT’S GONNA SPLIT. IT’S GONNA SPLIT. YEAH.” (LAUGHTER) CATHOLIC CHURCH, THEY IN TROUBLE. YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE POPE WAS GONNA COME OUT AND JUST PUT HIS FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW? JUST LAY THE LAW DOWN. JUST GET IN THEY ASS. YOU KNOW? THOUGHT THE POPE WOULD JUST STEP OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, “LOOK, YOU MOTHER-(BLEEP) GOTTA CUT THIS (BLEEP) OUT, ALL RIGHT? Y’ALL SOME DIRTY BASTARDS. I’M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP). IF Y’ALL DO KEEP THIS (BLEEP) UP, YOU GONNA BUST HELL WIDE OPEN. I’M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP). I’M– THAT’S IT, RIGHT NOW, YA’ BITCH.” (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) AND HE SHOULD USE THOSE EXACT WORDS. (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING THAT WRONG: THE POPE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CUSS YOU THE (BLEEP) OUT. (APPLAUSE) BUT INSTEAD THE POPE AIN’T REALLY SAY TOO MUCH. YOU KNOW, HE KIND OF TOUCHED ON IT. THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW, POPE GETTIN’ KIND OF OLD. (LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, WHO WE FOOLIN’? THE POPE IS OLD, Y’ALL. THE POPE IS OLD. IT’S TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT PUTTIN’ THE POPE IN THE OLD POPE’S HOME. I’M SORRY. AND THEN, THE MAN, HE CAN’T EVEN STAND UP STRAIGHT. THE POPE ALL DOUBLED OVER. AND THEN, THEY PUTTIN’ THAT BIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD AND ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES AND STUFF. LIGHTEN THE MAN’S LOAD UP. GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING CAP OR SOMETHING. HELP HIM OUT. YOU KNOW? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) HELP THE POPE OUT. INSTEAD OF ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES, GIVE HIM A PAIR OF PAJAMAS. LET HIM WHERE A LITTLE TANK TOP AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING. YOU KNOW? GIVE HIM SOME HOUSE SHOES OR SOMETHING. HELP THE MAN OUT. AND NOW, THE POPE GOT A HUNCHBACK. WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK? NOW HE GOT A HUNCHBACK. YOU SEE THE BIG HUNCH ON HIS BACK NOW. THAT’S WHERE HE STORES ALL THE CONFESSIONS THAT HE HEARS FROM THE PRIESTS. UH-HUH. YOU DID WHAT? OH, LORD. OH– OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP. OH, OH. OH, Y’ALL ARE KILLIN’ ME. OH, I CAN’T HEAR NO MORE. MY HUNCH. OH, OH. THE BELLS, THE BELLS, THE BELLS. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

43 Replies to “Why You Should Invest in Weed – Wanda Sykes”

  1. Bernie Sanders is the only candidate to declare an end to cannabis criminalization & to call for all cannabis convictions to be vacated.

  2. I have no idea how old this set is, but it’s still funny. But I know it’s old when women in the audience got sperm for eyebrows πŸ˜‚

  3. Man this an old ass clip, the whole Enron thing went down in 2001 long time ago!

    Let's get some new stuff from Wanda plzzzzz?

  4. I love Wanda Sykes she is hilariously funny Mommy Boo. I feel like ppl don’t listen simple because she is a black women but she deserves her propsπŸ’―

  5. I love all the recent comments about Bernie.

    I was a new voter when my heart and understanding of a just Presidential process were crushed.

    Is there hope?

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